Wow. Something so fantastic I had to make an LJ post!
This article explains so much.
Read the article before reading the cut or you won't understand.
It was fleeting_image who pointed me to the article. She said I would enjoy it, and when she first described what it was about, I thought I would have a purely intellectual interest in it. The power of praise! Sounds so neat, to think of what kind of effect praise would have on kids. Once I started reading it, though, I started to get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that feeling of familiarity, of reading something and thinking that, somehow, the author had you in mind while writing the piece.
The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids. The title says it all. Praise can be a double-edged sword, sometimes acting as motivation and encouragement, while at other times inducing a fear of failure and subsequent embarrassment. Tell a child he's brilliant and he'll do anything it takes to make sure he continues to appear intelligent, whether that means cheating on a test or giving up on anything he's unsure about so that he'll never fail (and therefore never be seen as anything but smart). Tell him he's a hard worker and he'll realize that it's his effort that makes him special - something he actually did rather than something he just is.
I was told all my life that I was smart. Growing up, I've always known I'm intelligent and that I have a natural ability that makes things like grammar, spelling and math easier for me than for most. I do think of my intelligence as innate, something I have no control over. I just am. Being smart, for me, is like being part Irish. So when people told me how great I was at being smart, it was kind of like saying "Wow, you're so white. Congratulations!" or "Good job on having those brown eyes."
My lack of motivation began very early. As far back as grade 1, I can remember not doing my homework. Even then, when I was 5 or 6 years old, my teachers told my parents (who relayed the message to me) that I was incredibly intelligent but I didn't apply myself. That was a common theme throughout my childhood and teenage years. You're so smart but you don't apply yourself! Another double-edged sword: Praise for something I had no control over, and criticism for "refusing" to do something I never learned to do.
The article suggests that children who are praised for things they can't control (being smart or just over-all good) are actually being taught that it is more important to keep up appearances than to actually be the thing they're being praised for. On the other hand, children who are praised for specific things such as having good work ethics or for concentrating so well on their assigned tasks are being taught that the merit is in those skills they willingly practice rather than in the qualities they naturally possess.
I have an incredible fear of failure. For me, failure is embarrassing, and I'm also afraid of being embarrassed. I wouldn't say that I consciously think, "If I fail at something, other people are going to think I'm dumb". It's more just a sense of "Oh god I can't do this I don't know what I'm doing I can't even try it's not worth it give up give up give up!" If I come up against an obstacle, I assume that the mere presence of the obstacle means I'm just not good at doing whatever it is I need to do and surrender to that idea rather than using my intelligence to help me through it. The more I try to push against it, the more resistance there is in my mind, telling me I'm just not smart when it comes to that task and I shouldn't even try because I'll never get anywhere anyway. I never applied myself because there was never any reason - either I'm good at something or I'm not. It was always as simple as that.
After reading this article, though, it's not so simple. I know I've already been improving in a lot of ways. I can set small goals and keep to them, and I have more faith in myself and my abilities than I ever used to. "Baby steps" is my mantra and so far it's working. Still, I think if I came up against a large obstacle, I would probably very quickly revert to how I used to be and do whatever I could to avoid facing it, but hopefully, in time, that will change.
Maybe by the time I go back to school I won't feel like I'm just wasting my time and money again. ;D
Anyway, I'm glad I got all that out. If you didn't check out the article, please do - it really is great, and it might help explain things for you too.
Read the article before reading the cut or you won't understand.
It was fleeting_image who pointed me to the article. She said I would enjoy it, and when she first described what it was about, I thought I would have a purely intellectual interest in it. The power of praise! Sounds so neat, to think of what kind of effect praise would have on kids. Once I started reading it, though, I started to get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that feeling of familiarity, of reading something and thinking that, somehow, the author had you in mind while writing the piece.
The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids. The title says it all. Praise can be a double-edged sword, sometimes acting as motivation and encouragement, while at other times inducing a fear of failure and subsequent embarrassment. Tell a child he's brilliant and he'll do anything it takes to make sure he continues to appear intelligent, whether that means cheating on a test or giving up on anything he's unsure about so that he'll never fail (and therefore never be seen as anything but smart). Tell him he's a hard worker and he'll realize that it's his effort that makes him special - something he actually did rather than something he just is.
I was told all my life that I was smart. Growing up, I've always known I'm intelligent and that I have a natural ability that makes things like grammar, spelling and math easier for me than for most. I do think of my intelligence as innate, something I have no control over. I just am. Being smart, for me, is like being part Irish. So when people told me how great I was at being smart, it was kind of like saying "Wow, you're so white. Congratulations!" or "Good job on having those brown eyes."
My lack of motivation began very early. As far back as grade 1, I can remember not doing my homework. Even then, when I was 5 or 6 years old, my teachers told my parents (who relayed the message to me) that I was incredibly intelligent but I didn't apply myself. That was a common theme throughout my childhood and teenage years. You're so smart but you don't apply yourself! Another double-edged sword: Praise for something I had no control over, and criticism for "refusing" to do something I never learned to do.
The article suggests that children who are praised for things they can't control (being smart or just over-all good) are actually being taught that it is more important to keep up appearances than to actually be the thing they're being praised for. On the other hand, children who are praised for specific things such as having good work ethics or for concentrating so well on their assigned tasks are being taught that the merit is in those skills they willingly practice rather than in the qualities they naturally possess.
I have an incredible fear of failure. For me, failure is embarrassing, and I'm also afraid of being embarrassed. I wouldn't say that I consciously think, "If I fail at something, other people are going to think I'm dumb". It's more just a sense of "Oh god I can't do this I don't know what I'm doing I can't even try it's not worth it give up give up give up!" If I come up against an obstacle, I assume that the mere presence of the obstacle means I'm just not good at doing whatever it is I need to do and surrender to that idea rather than using my intelligence to help me through it. The more I try to push against it, the more resistance there is in my mind, telling me I'm just not smart when it comes to that task and I shouldn't even try because I'll never get anywhere anyway. I never applied myself because there was never any reason - either I'm good at something or I'm not. It was always as simple as that.
After reading this article, though, it's not so simple. I know I've already been improving in a lot of ways. I can set small goals and keep to them, and I have more faith in myself and my abilities than I ever used to. "Baby steps" is my mantra and so far it's working. Still, I think if I came up against a large obstacle, I would probably very quickly revert to how I used to be and do whatever I could to avoid facing it, but hopefully, in time, that will change.
Maybe by the time I go back to school I won't feel like I'm just wasting my time and money again. ;D
Anyway, I'm glad I got all that out. If you didn't check out the article, please do - it really is great, and it might help explain things for you too.