Eh...
I'm still feeling horrible. Sam slept over last night and we talked about a lot of things. We talked about what's happened in my past. I told her more about what it was like for me growing up in Brecksville, and how insignificant I felt there. I didn't go into much detail about anything, but I did tell her that I was teased and tormented. Now that I brought it up again I just can't stop thinking about it. That whole time was a horrible portion of my life, but I've become a better person because of it, I think.
Anyway, we talked about some of the things that's happened to me in Lakewood, too. The whole ordeal with Jessie and Veil.. Arik... Joe. Jersey isn't really talking to me much anymore now, also. It hurts all too much. Well, after Sam went to sleep I took down the drawings Joe made for me, and the picture of him and his ferret. I put them along with the concert t-shirt he bought me, his hoodie, and another t-shirt he gave me in a drawer and I plan on just leaving them there. I've called him once since that night, and he hung up on me. I tried.
After a while of not being able to fall asleep I managed to do so, but I woke up with a nightmare. I dreamed that someone tried to kill Sam by taking a knife to her stomach while she was still pregnant. Needless to say I woke up crying. A little while later I fell asleep again, but had a similar nightmare. Instead of Sam getting killed I got killed in her place. I don't know what's been up with me and I could really care less at this point, I just want to keep moving forward in life. It all still hurts when I think about it, though. I was scared.
Morning came and Sam and I woke up, chilled around a bit, then Andrew came to pick us up. We ate at Denny's for breakfast, went to Great Northern where I bought some manga and got my nails done, then came back to my apartment to take a nap. Sam and Andrew had a dinner to go to, so after talking with Anais she and I went to the exchange and stuffish. We met up with Schone, went to see Over The Hedge, went to Caribou (where I ended up dancing infront of because I was so hyped up on coffee), then met up with Sarah. We ran into Erika and then Krissy, but I wasn't really too happy with what we talked about. I was talking about what I wanted to do with my life since they asked, and Krissy told me it was lame, along with the random guy they were hanging out with. That hurt. I had to walk away before I literally just lashed out and mauled them both. I held myself back even though I really wanted to chew them out and hit them or something, so I'm proud of myself for that.
Anais, Schone, Sarah and I then proceeded to the park by Tops, where I swang on the swing, did some crazy stuff, then ended up just lounging around with Anais while looking at the stars. Hehe, constellations are fun to point out. If only we were south from the city we could have seen more stars and I would have been confused as hell. Oh well.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm frusterated with relationships. I know, completely off topic of what I was just posting, but I've been thinking. Yes, that is dangerous. Seeing Andrew and Sam together makes me so jealous. I wish I could have a relationship like theirs. I know I should just wait and something will arise, but it would be nice to know that I'm loved by someone that much. I was once. I screwed that all up though, apparently. In all honesty, that was the only relationship in which I felt that I loved that person and that person felt the same way about me for a time. Thinking about that makes me happy. Even if it isn't true that the person felt the same way about me, I would never want to know.
For now I know what I want in a significant other. I want FUN. No drama. I want nights just cuddling while watching t.v. or hanging out with friends. I want concerts, trips all over the place! Small things, like a night alone somewhere, or just a walk together. I want to fool around, rolling down hills, going out, playing videogames together and such simple things as that. I just want something that will work out for once. It'd be nice.
I guess I just missed love.
Haha, anyway. Done with yet another emoish post. Hooray. Time to go listen to music in my room and play some Mario64. Bowser will loathe having to face me and my awesome Mario breakdancing skills.
Anyway, we talked about some of the things that's happened to me in Lakewood, too. The whole ordeal with Jessie and Veil.. Arik... Joe. Jersey isn't really talking to me much anymore now, also. It hurts all too much. Well, after Sam went to sleep I took down the drawings Joe made for me, and the picture of him and his ferret. I put them along with the concert t-shirt he bought me, his hoodie, and another t-shirt he gave me in a drawer and I plan on just leaving them there. I've called him once since that night, and he hung up on me. I tried.
After a while of not being able to fall asleep I managed to do so, but I woke up with a nightmare. I dreamed that someone tried to kill Sam by taking a knife to her stomach while she was still pregnant. Needless to say I woke up crying. A little while later I fell asleep again, but had a similar nightmare. Instead of Sam getting killed I got killed in her place. I don't know what's been up with me and I could really care less at this point, I just want to keep moving forward in life. It all still hurts when I think about it, though. I was scared.
Morning came and Sam and I woke up, chilled around a bit, then Andrew came to pick us up. We ate at Denny's for breakfast, went to Great Northern where I bought some manga and got my nails done, then came back to my apartment to take a nap. Sam and Andrew had a dinner to go to, so after talking with Anais she and I went to the exchange and stuffish. We met up with Schone, went to see Over The Hedge, went to Caribou (where I ended up dancing infront of because I was so hyped up on coffee), then met up with Sarah. We ran into Erika and then Krissy, but I wasn't really too happy with what we talked about. I was talking about what I wanted to do with my life since they asked, and Krissy told me it was lame, along with the random guy they were hanging out with. That hurt. I had to walk away before I literally just lashed out and mauled them both. I held myself back even though I really wanted to chew them out and hit them or something, so I'm proud of myself for that.
Anais, Schone, Sarah and I then proceeded to the park by Tops, where I swang on the swing, did some crazy stuff, then ended up just lounging around with Anais while looking at the stars. Hehe, constellations are fun to point out. If only we were south from the city we could have seen more stars and I would have been confused as hell. Oh well.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm frusterated with relationships. I know, completely off topic of what I was just posting, but I've been thinking. Yes, that is dangerous. Seeing Andrew and Sam together makes me so jealous. I wish I could have a relationship like theirs. I know I should just wait and something will arise, but it would be nice to know that I'm loved by someone that much. I was once. I screwed that all up though, apparently. In all honesty, that was the only relationship in which I felt that I loved that person and that person felt the same way about me for a time. Thinking about that makes me happy. Even if it isn't true that the person felt the same way about me, I would never want to know.
For now I know what I want in a significant other. I want FUN. No drama. I want nights just cuddling while watching t.v. or hanging out with friends. I want concerts, trips all over the place! Small things, like a night alone somewhere, or just a walk together. I want to fool around, rolling down hills, going out, playing videogames together and such simple things as that. I just want something that will work out for once. It'd be nice.
I guess I just missed love.
Haha, anyway. Done with yet another emoish post. Hooray. Time to go listen to music in my room and play some Mario64. Bowser will loathe having to face me and my awesome Mario breakdancing skills.