Another Night That Just Didn't End...
Why this time? This time, Ronica procrastinated far too much on her drawing portfolio. Now she is left with really great looking, half finished drawings of plants, hands, feet, flags, and whatever else has been randomly thrown in there. I'm highly caffeinated, and thinking a bit... So bare with me, k?
For the first time since September, I feel like I can truly relax. September left me more than a little bit lost, and I've spent the months up to this point trying to find my way. September... Gosh, it seems so long ago, right? And long story short, a lot of things just fell apart for me. It started a chain of events that left me worrying for the next two months. September started off with a great deal of hope, and ended in an ass-load of disappointment. I really tried and tried to strive for the very best, and after a couple disappointments I gave up and let everything go. I completely regret letting people and situations get the better of me this fall.
October seemed like it would be much better. Things seemed like they were looking up, but no. It was just a quick upward glance before starting the straight road downward. That's when the worry started. The anxiousness and the confusion. The endless crying and the sleepless nights were plentiful, and it took all my energy to plant a smile on my face everyday.
But November felt like the hardest to get through. Things started to really feel more like reality, and I could no longer hide the worry. I wore it over my clothes everywhere I went. It was difficult to keep hiding. No matter how much I was told, I couldn't believe that people were really there for me. I didn't want them to have a reason to be there for me. I hated them for a while. I truly did. I don't know if I could fully explain everything. I don't really think I want to. Everyone knows how secretive I am, and I keep my own secrets too well. I think this month was made for just an unhealthy mix of sadness and anger.
But now... Now I feel like I can really just sit down and breathe for a little bit... But just a little. I'll rest while I can.
New worries are constantly coming up on the horizon though, ya know? I'm worrying about hurting a really good friend's feelings when he comes here to visit. It's really sad. He reminds me every time we talk that he's had these very strong feelings for me for a couple years now. He tells me he loves me, and it makes me feel terrible. I can't force myself to love this kid. I just can't. I've tried to garner some sense of interest in him, but no luck. I feel like he's my brother. My "kuya", ya know? I don't know how to let him down... He's not exactly the most accepting person when it comes to bad news.
On the side, I'm worrying about business that isn't quite mine. I can't help it though. I spent a good deal of time worrying about this a while ago, and now that feeling of dread is starting up in my stomach again. I'm afraid everything is going to go downhill again, and I don't know what I should do. I'm scared that I'm going to see something worse than I saw last time. I'm afraid that I'm going to be disappointed. I'm afraid that I'm going to get angry. I'm afraid I'll lose something very important to me. I'm nervous, and I'm praying for nothing but the best... But my gut is telling me things aren't going to be okay for long. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Maybe it's all the coffee talking... Maybe it's because I'm crazy...
Maybe it's because I'm right.
(So you know, a part of me still wants you.)
For the first time since September, I feel like I can truly relax. September left me more than a little bit lost, and I've spent the months up to this point trying to find my way. September... Gosh, it seems so long ago, right? And long story short, a lot of things just fell apart for me. It started a chain of events that left me worrying for the next two months. September started off with a great deal of hope, and ended in an ass-load of disappointment. I really tried and tried to strive for the very best, and after a couple disappointments I gave up and let everything go. I completely regret letting people and situations get the better of me this fall.
October seemed like it would be much better. Things seemed like they were looking up, but no. It was just a quick upward glance before starting the straight road downward. That's when the worry started. The anxiousness and the confusion. The endless crying and the sleepless nights were plentiful, and it took all my energy to plant a smile on my face everyday.
But November felt like the hardest to get through. Things started to really feel more like reality, and I could no longer hide the worry. I wore it over my clothes everywhere I went. It was difficult to keep hiding. No matter how much I was told, I couldn't believe that people were really there for me. I didn't want them to have a reason to be there for me. I hated them for a while. I truly did. I don't know if I could fully explain everything. I don't really think I want to. Everyone knows how secretive I am, and I keep my own secrets too well. I think this month was made for just an unhealthy mix of sadness and anger.
But now... Now I feel like I can really just sit down and breathe for a little bit... But just a little. I'll rest while I can.
New worries are constantly coming up on the horizon though, ya know? I'm worrying about hurting a really good friend's feelings when he comes here to visit. It's really sad. He reminds me every time we talk that he's had these very strong feelings for me for a couple years now. He tells me he loves me, and it makes me feel terrible. I can't force myself to love this kid. I just can't. I've tried to garner some sense of interest in him, but no luck. I feel like he's my brother. My "kuya", ya know? I don't know how to let him down... He's not exactly the most accepting person when it comes to bad news.
On the side, I'm worrying about business that isn't quite mine. I can't help it though. I spent a good deal of time worrying about this a while ago, and now that feeling of dread is starting up in my stomach again. I'm afraid everything is going to go downhill again, and I don't know what I should do. I'm scared that I'm going to see something worse than I saw last time. I'm afraid that I'm going to be disappointed. I'm afraid that I'm going to get angry. I'm afraid I'll lose something very important to me. I'm nervous, and I'm praying for nothing but the best... But my gut is telling me things aren't going to be okay for long. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Maybe it's all the coffee talking... Maybe it's because I'm crazy...
Maybe it's because I'm right.
(So you know, a part of me still wants you.)