you told me you loved me so why did you go away?
"All that I know is that I don't know how
to be something you miss."
-Last Kiss
Title: Of Kept Hurt and Broken Hearts
Author: aishi07
Fandom: SHINee
Pairing: Jonghyun/Key
Rating: PG-13 for all the cursing
Genre: angst (friendship, romance)
A/N: Because half the fandom still can’t get over the fact that Jonghyun and Shin Sekyung are officially an item. Plus, I don’t think I could ever stop writing for JongKey. I should not have been listening to Taylor Swift’s “Last Kiss” at this time. Angst is all that ever pops up.
Summary:
“I bet you’re mad at me, too.”
“Why would I be?”
“Aside from the fact that I’m dating Sekyung-”
“Jjong, listen,” Key interrupts. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Let me sleep, Jjong,” Key mumbles sleepily into his pillow when he feels the older slipping beside him in his bed. “See you tomorrow.”
“Can I sleep here?” Jonghyun asks, already slipping under Key’s covers, an arm placed lightly over Key’s waist. Key could feel his hot breath on his neck, a contrast to the cold evening.
“You have your own bed. Get the fuck off.”
“Please.” Jonghyun snuggles closer to Key.
Key opens his eyes slightly to see the obnoxious red numbers glowing on the alarm clock beside his bed. 2:03AM. “Alright, fine.”
Jonghyun chuckles, and pulls Key closer to his chest. He could definitely feel Jonghyun’s heartbeat, beating at the same time as his. “I love you, Key,” Jonghyun murmurs on Key’s neck.
Key sighs, controlling a smile. “Yeah? Goodnight, Jjong.”
“Say you love me, too.”
Key can almost imagine Jonghyun pouting behind him. He lets out a chuckle. “I love you, too. ‘Night.”
That smile.
It was supposed to be meant for him.
Key watches bitterly from their dorm window the events illuminated by the street lamps below-Jonghyun with an arm over her shoulder; Jonghyun giving her that special, bright smile; Jonghyun holding the phone over her ear; Jonghyun volunteering to carry her bag; Jonghyun being happy with her.
From the corner of his eyes, Key notices a person-paparazzi perhaps?-taking pictures from her-or his, he couldn’t really tell-phone. He knows it’s a bad sign. He just knows those pictures are going to spread like wildfire on the Internet overnight.
“Kibum-ah,” that deep, oh-so familiar voice full of concern starts behind him. He feels a warm hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t turn. “Stop hurting yourself.”
“Hurt?” Key mumbles to no one in particular, cold and numb. “Why would I be hurt?”
The next thing he knows, he is on someone’s chest, clenching his fist over someone’s favorite shirt, staining it with tears. Arms wrap around him and he sort of feels safe for a moment, although he knows it isn’t the same.
“Kibum-ah, please.”
“I can’t, Minho. I just can’t.”
And Minho watches Key break down in front of him, fragile and shattered into a million pieces. He keeps Key in his arms for the night, because he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t know what else to say. “He’s not worth it, Kibum-ah.”
Key could only nod on Minho’s chest, knowing Minho would never understand.
“Do you think he’ll be okay, hyung?” Taemin asks worriedly, hearing Key sobbing from behind closed doors. He feels like crying, too.
Onew feels his heart getting heavy, but sighs and pats Taemin’s head anyway. He doesn’t know how to answer that, so he just smiles and tells Taemin to, “Go to bed, Taemin-ah,” because “Growing boys need their rest.”
It’s six in the morning and everyone is still asleep. He head to their closet-because, really, he couldn’t go back to sleep anymore-to look for a decent change of clothes when he sees the black and white couple shirt hanging next to each other. He lets his fingers brush against them, lingering longer on the black one, the faint smell of Jonghyun’s cologne still emitting from it.
Key bites his lip, telling himself not rip either of the shirts into pieces. He turns around and blindly grabs a random shirt and pair of pants from the other side of the closet. He walks out of their closet and heads to the bathroom. Key turns on the shower, turning the dial to the highest temperature he can stand. He’s surprised he could take such heat.
He sleeps so soundly, Key could feel his chest clench from the beauty. He brushes his fingers lightly through Jonghyun’s still-blonde hair, wishing time would just stop. He just knows it’s going to come eventually, and he knows he will never be able to handle the pain.
“Key?”
“Go back to sleep, Jjong.”
“You should go back to sleep, too.”
“Hm, I don’t know,” Key replies, smiling. “I don’t feel tired anymore.”
“Alright,” Jonghyun says, propping himself up with his elbows. “I’ll stay awake with you, okay?” He moves closer to the other until their arms are touching and he lays his head on Key’s shoulders. “Talk to me about life.”
“Shut up, Jjong. You’ll wake the others up. Go back to sleep. I’m serious.”
“Not unless you meet me in dreamland.” Jonghyun slips his arm with Key’s and intertwines their fingers together.
Key stifles a laugh. “You’re such a joke, Jjong. I swear sometimes I’m not even sure if you’re joking or it just comes naturally to you. Are you even serious about saying that? Really, Jjong, it’s just totally-”
Jonghyun silences Key with a soft brief kiss, his lips lingering over Key’s a whole lot longer than it should. He pulls away and grins. “You talk too much,” he says. “Let’s just go back to sleep, okay?”
It’s ten-thirty in the morning and Key has been awake for roughly four hours now. He’s waiting for the news all morning, and all the waiting doesn’t disappoint when he finally-finally-hears Onew drop his mug in the kitchen, hushed whispers from Taemin coming from the same direction.
Of course, Key thinks bitterly to himself as he sits on their couch. Typical of Taemin to use the Internet in the middle of the morning.
“Oh God,” Onew curses, forgetting about the broken pieces of his mug lying on the floor. “We are so fucked. We are fucked.”
“Hyung, hyung,” Taemin says, shaking their leader back to his senses. “Calm down. I think-I think this was what Key hyung was crying about last night. He knew, hyung.”
And they think Key can’t hear them from another room. “We are fucked, Taemin-ah. Do you have any idea what’s going to happen to us now?” Key has never heard Onew curse this much before. Maybe they are literally fucked. Key shrugs, preventing himself from breaking down again.
“I guess they found out, huh?” Minho says, sitting down beside Key on the couch. “Well, they can’t really hide it forever. Did they find out who the girl was?”
Key’s voice is shaky. “Shin Sekyung.”
And Minho purses his lips, knowing when it’s time to keep quiet.
“Kibum, there’s-”
“Yeah,” Key gives him a sad smile. “I know.”
Jonghyun shifts uncomfortably in front of Key. “I’m sorry. Can we just-”
Key doesn’t let him finish. He doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t need to hear it. “Jjong,” Key forces a chuckle. “I get it. I’m happy for you, alright?” And Key turns away; he finally turns away before he cries his heart out in front of his whole world.
But Jonghyun grabs his wrist and pulls him back, crashing their lips together. Key lets the tears fall, knowing he should pull away now while he still can-but he can’t. So he lets himself sink deep one more time, before he finally swims away. Jonghyun’s lips are soft against his, like he’s felt it a million times before. It feels all-too familiar. So he lets Jonghyun kiss him for possibly the last time.
Key knows it will be the last time.
Their dorm is a riot.
“Jonghyun, do you have any fucking idea what you did?”
“Hyung, I’m sorry. I should have known-”
“Yes, you fucking should have. We are fucked. SHINee is fucked. You’ve fucked everything this group has every worked hard for.”
“Onew hyung,” Taemin tries, tugging at their leader’s sleeve. “Calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down, Taemin. Don’t tell me to fucking calm down.”
“Hyung, listen,” Jonghyun says. “I can explain to the media. I’ll handle the situation. I’ll-”
“Hyung,” Minho suddenly interrupts, entering the room with his phone in hand. “Manager hyung called.”
Everyone goes silent. Key looks up from his position on the couch, and all eyes are finally on Minho. He continues, “The agency says they’re confirming you’re relationship with Sekyung noona,” and it shocks everyone to silence.
Onew speaks up again. “What? They’re confirming it?”
“Sekyung noona could get killed because of this, hyung,” Taemin adds, worried. “Plus, Jonghyun hyung’s career could go down.”
“Our career, Taemin,” Onew corrects. “Oh my God, I knew I should have just managed my parent’s meat shop instead of having to deal with shit like this.”
“Calm down, hyung,” Minho repeats for the hundredth time that morning.
“You,” Onew points to Jonghyun. “You’re going to fix this, alright? You’re going to have to fix this.” Onew grabs his jacket and walks out of the door, getting ready to face their manager.
Taemin bites his lip before picking up his towel from the floor and heading to the bathroom. Minho sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Hyung,” he murmurs, but doesn’t continue. Instead, he heads to the kitchen to clean up the untouched food on the table.
Jonghyun ruffles his hair in frustration and trudges toward the couch, plopping down beside Key. The younger is quiet, arms crossed over his chest, and staring into nothing. “I bet you’re mad at me, too.”
“Why would I be?”
“Aside from the fact that I’m dating Sekyung-”
“Jjong, listen,” Key interrupts. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“So you are mad at me.”
“I’m not. I’m just irritated about this whole thing.”
“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun says, glancing at Key. “For everything.”
Key lifts his head up to face Jonghyun. He gives a small smile. “Don’t worry.”
Jonghyun purses his lips. “You do know our careers are at stake here, don’t you?”
“Don’t worry,” Jonghyun tells Key with a bright smile.
They have just experienced their first scandal-the girl pretending to be Jonghyun’s girlfriend is now an actress that garnered popularity by posting pixelized pictures claiming it was Jonghyun with her.
“Hyung, our career is at stake. Plus, you’re under house-arrest. Aren’t you the least bit worried?”
Jonghyun leans back on the couch, stretching his arms calmly in the air. “Nah. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“And I’m probably going be under house-arrest again. Aren’t you worried?”
Key holds Jonghyun’s hand reassuringly, and for a moment it feels a bit like déjà-vu. Key wishes they could turn back time, back to when everything was much simpler than it is now. Back when it was only him and Jonghyun-together.
“Nah,” Key replies, hiding the hurt in his voice, his eyes, and shoves them all in the pit of his stomach. He tries to hide the hesitation, the doubt, the quiver, in his voice. “Everything’s going to be fine.”