(no subject)
sick and tired of; my mind.
sick and tired of; people constantly giving me *and everyone else in the world* the cure to fatness, yet telling me that every-body is unique.
sick and tired of; living in a town where i have no friends.
Montclair... I left this town so many years ago and I have no way of getting back into the "social scene" in fact im pretty confident that i dont want to. but you know what i have always envied? that everyone seems to have some kind of close knit friendship. that friendship that evolves over the course of highschool and will last you for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, and fortunately, I never stuck around in one place long enough to create these friendships.
I went to four highschools, graduated after being in highschool for 2 and a half years, and then i did a wonderful thing called; traveling the world! nd hell, it was a wonderful year, i got to go to 5 awesome countries and live in them. 3 of these countries, i didn't even speak their language. i had to learn! it was awesome. And although I may have the better life experiences then any other 17 year old girl I know, i still don't have the friendship that those senior girls have, the ones who actually look forward to coming home from college, or boarding schools, or the woods, or another country. I never look forward to coming home. I love my family but beyond my family there really isn't much here for me.
all there is.. is the anxiety i feel when i leave my house. the anxiety that i feel when i look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the happy 8th grader that once lived. could that really be the last time i was happy? because im thinking it was. since then there has just been a domino effect of kicked out of this school; kicked out of that school; live in the woods for 5 months; go to a lockdown boarding school for what was supposed to be 3 years until i finished highschool (but with a little determination and rule breaking, i got my diploma in 9 months!)- i remember that phone call.
Dad: hello?
me: Hey dad! it's kat! how are you?
dad" Im good hunny! how are you??
me: I'm great. I'm graduating highschool next week! And I've been accepted to 5 colleges and a scholarship!
Dad: ..... (silence) hm, what?
me: yeah i havent told you because i didnt want to break the surprise until i was positive but im getting my diploma! and i got my acceptance leters.
the rest of the conversation was just him asking how, going back and forth between my dad and the staff at school, and me being unbelievabley happy that i was leaving. I didn't have to sleep one more night in this place, i no longer had to look out the window to see the horizontally inturupted sunset- by the bars on the windows. by the women that followed me to the bathroom. by the lady who called me number 427.
and then i took the next flight to india.
10 months and a lot more countries, a hell of a year, alot happier, and here I am. wonderful.
somehow i think traveling the world lowered my self esteem. i used to be pretty happy with the way i looked. but then i traveled the world.. and saw all the other beautiful people. and realized, i would be lucky to be amongst them.
but i still don't have any friends.
not on this continent.
sick and tired of; people constantly giving me *and everyone else in the world* the cure to fatness, yet telling me that every-body is unique.
sick and tired of; living in a town where i have no friends.
Montclair... I left this town so many years ago and I have no way of getting back into the "social scene" in fact im pretty confident that i dont want to. but you know what i have always envied? that everyone seems to have some kind of close knit friendship. that friendship that evolves over the course of highschool and will last you for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately, and fortunately, I never stuck around in one place long enough to create these friendships.
I went to four highschools, graduated after being in highschool for 2 and a half years, and then i did a wonderful thing called; traveling the world! nd hell, it was a wonderful year, i got to go to 5 awesome countries and live in them. 3 of these countries, i didn't even speak their language. i had to learn! it was awesome. And although I may have the better life experiences then any other 17 year old girl I know, i still don't have the friendship that those senior girls have, the ones who actually look forward to coming home from college, or boarding schools, or the woods, or another country. I never look forward to coming home. I love my family but beyond my family there really isn't much here for me.
all there is.. is the anxiety i feel when i leave my house. the anxiety that i feel when i look in the mirror and wonder what happened to the happy 8th grader that once lived. could that really be the last time i was happy? because im thinking it was. since then there has just been a domino effect of kicked out of this school; kicked out of that school; live in the woods for 5 months; go to a lockdown boarding school for what was supposed to be 3 years until i finished highschool (but with a little determination and rule breaking, i got my diploma in 9 months!)- i remember that phone call.
Dad: hello?
me: Hey dad! it's kat! how are you?
dad" Im good hunny! how are you??
me: I'm great. I'm graduating highschool next week! And I've been accepted to 5 colleges and a scholarship!
Dad: ..... (silence) hm, what?
me: yeah i havent told you because i didnt want to break the surprise until i was positive but im getting my diploma! and i got my acceptance leters.
the rest of the conversation was just him asking how, going back and forth between my dad and the staff at school, and me being unbelievabley happy that i was leaving. I didn't have to sleep one more night in this place, i no longer had to look out the window to see the horizontally inturupted sunset- by the bars on the windows. by the women that followed me to the bathroom. by the lady who called me number 427.
and then i took the next flight to india.
10 months and a lot more countries, a hell of a year, alot happier, and here I am. wonderful.
somehow i think traveling the world lowered my self esteem. i used to be pretty happy with the way i looked. but then i traveled the world.. and saw all the other beautiful people. and realized, i would be lucky to be amongst them.
but i still don't have any friends.
not on this continent.