Tunnel Vision [Baekhyun/Kai] (1/2)
Tunnel Vision
EXO | Baekhyun/Kai | PG-13 | 12,787w
Angst, Friendship, Romance
Baekhyun knows that friendship is all Jongin can give him. And so he spares himself the disappointment and heartache and never asks for anything more.
Written for nekkajitge for SNCJ's Secret Santa for 2012
Tunnel Vision
There is a quiet, but surging excitement in the hallowed hall. The walls are glistening white; the pews shining in an exuberant brown. White veils hang on the sides of the pews, small white and blue flowers adorning them. The carpet has been rolled out on the aisle, dark and pristine red. The church bells are ringing, echoing in the hearts of those present.
As the wedding march starts playing above the din of the crowd, Jongin cuffs the back of his shoes on the spotted beige marble floor. It’s a habit of his, a nervous one if anyone were keen enough to observe. He then shifts his feet, one small step to the left, one small step to the right, looking like he was doing some awkward dance in front of the altar. He looks up from where he’s staring at the tips of his shiny black shoes as the double doors open, and he keeps holding the breath that he realizes he hasn’t really let go of the moment he arrived at the church.
Junmyeon enters and murmurs immediately erupt from the crowd. The playing of the wedding march is halted. Jongin schools his expression even as Junmyeon reaches him to explain something he’s already felt that morning when he woke up, his phone empty of messages. He thinks he’s already known it even a month prior to this auspicious event. He averts his gaze from Junmyeon, merely nodding as upsetting word after upsetting word comes out of his mouth. It really isn’t something new, but that doesn’t mean it makes his eyes sting with tears any less. But before a tear could slide down his cheek, an arm is already around him, ushering him towards one of the side rooms that the church has.
Baekhyun sits him down on the sofa, making sure he’s comfortable before he goes to get him a glass of water. Jongin keeps his eyes closed even as Baekhyun makes him drink because maybe if he closes his eyes long enough, when he opens them again everything will have turned out to be a dream and everything will be okay.
“Jongin, look at me,” Baekhyun quietly says, slightly pleading. Jongin opens his eyes, but avoids meeting his imploring ones. He hesitantly reaches out and places his fingers on Jongin’s jaw, slowly orienting his head to make him look at him. “It’s okay,” he whispers when Jongin finally gives in and meets his gaze.
It’s only then that Jongin allows himself to burst into tears.
-
The apartment is half empty. Jongin stops in his tracks as soon as he enters, making Baekhyun almost walk right into his back. He eyes the boxes in the middle of the living room. But, even as he approaches it and before he goes through them, he already knows that everything in the apartment are things that solely belong to him. Still, it doesn’t stop him from going through every drawer, every cabinet, every closet and nook and cranny. When he’s done checking even the trash bins, he flops down on the floor in the middle of the living room, just beside the mousy brown sofa.
“He really left,” Jongin says through his tears, head bowed, hands flat on the floor. “He left me.”
Baekhyun stands by the door, helpless. In all the years he’s been Jongin’s best friend, he’s only seen Jongin cry twice.
The second time he’s seen Jongin cry was when Baekhyun accidently stepped on his favorite red toy car when they were ten years old. Baekhyun remembers running around the house, away from Jongin, who was trying to scare him with a dead cockroach. It felt like time stopped when they heard a loud crunching sound the moment his foot connected with the toy car. His eyes widened and, immediately, he looked at Jongin, who had thrown himself on the floor, the pieces of the car in his hands. He remembers very clearly how Jongin had cried, as if mourning the loss of a most favored friend. Now that Baekhyun thinks about it, that toy car might have been just that to Jongin. It was the last gift Jongin’s father had given him before he had left them for another family the year before, which was the first time that he’d seen Jongin cry.
Baekhyun cradles Jongin’s head in his arms as he continues to cry, harder than he’s ever had. Jongin is clinging onto him like his life depended on it, arms tight around his waist, his tears soaking through the material of his shirt.
“I don’t understand,” Jongin manages to speak through his tears. “I did everything right. I did everything for him.” His memories with Kyungsoo flash in his head like scenes in a movie. He keeps on searching his head for some clue or any hint that would have led to Kyungsoo leaving him on the day of their wedding. Sure, they weren’t always happy, but they loved each other. He just can’t understand what happened. “I did my best-“
“Shh,” Baekhyun gently interrupts, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “Recounting things won’t do you any good.” He tries very hard not to cry, not to have his own heart break by the fact that Jongin is laying himself bear like this with him, pouring his brokenness out, trying to dissect what was wrong with him. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” he promises. “This isn’t your fault.”
All their lives together, Baekhyun’s always been blaming Jongin for things. When Baekhyun first scraped his knee, he cried and screamed at Jongin because he had pushed him in his excitement to get to the swings first. When Baekhyun’s ice cream had fallen, he grabbed Jongin’s own ice cream and threw it to the ground because when Jongin tried to have a taste of Baekhyun’s ice cream, it tipped the whole thing and made it fall. When Baekhyun’s boyfriend had dumped him, he almost wanted to smack Jongin in the face because his boyfriend said that Jongin being around Baekhyun all the time just didn’t sit right with him.
There are many other things, like how his own apartment is perpetually messy because Jongin’s things are always scattered everywhere, or how his social life is practically non-existent because Jongin still insists that Baekhyun remind him of his meetings and appointments like he’s his personal secretary. Or like how Baekhyun really can’t get mad at Jongin for all of these things simply because he is who he is.
But this is one thing he cannot blame on him.
Baekhyun has seen how hard Jongin worked to make his relationship with Kyungsoo sail smoothly. Being an architect meant that Jongin mostly traveled around the city to do site checks and building checks, but he always made sure that he had time for Kyungsoo. He tried to come home as early as he can so he can have dinner with Kyungsoo. Or if he had to come home late, he’d always bring breakfast for him. Kyungsoo suddenly breaking up with Jongin, and on their wedding day, too, really baffles Baekhyun. How can anyone not want Jongin?
“But I-“ Jongin tries to speak to try to rationalize things, but Baekhyun shushes him. He hums a song in Jongin’s ear to continue calming him down.
Baekhyun rationalizes in his stead. Kyungsoo and Jongin did everything together, from going to university together, to buying groceries because Jongin would just end up buying potato chips if left to his own devices, to watching cartoon on lazy Sunday afternoons. After Baekhyun had introduced them to each other, Kyungsoo had become a constant third to their gatherings. And then Jongin confessed and the rest was history. Their marriage had been planned ever since they were in university. Baekhyun tries racking his brains for any sign that Kyungsoo was unhappy, but he really can’t find anything.
He clutches Jongin tighter when Jongin shifts in their embrace as his song dies out. Jongin has stopped crying, now just absently tracing patterns on Baekhyun’s arm, leaving goose bumps in their wake.
“Baek,” Jongin’s voice croaks and Baekhyun presses another kiss to his head. “Can we just stay like this for a while?”
“For as long as you like.” Baekhyun swallows back the sobs gathering up in his throat.
-
“How is he doing?” Chanyeol asks for mere formality, Baekhyun knows, because how else would someone who’s been dumped on his wedding day feel?
“Doesn’t want to get out of the apartment,” Baekhyun shares. That morning, he insisted that Jongin come with him to the site where he’s currently designing a building for one of the prominent business owners in the city. But Jongin merely grumbled into the pillow and ignored whatever else that came out of his mouth.
“I thought they still didn’t have a bed in the apartment,” Jongdae comments around the kimbap he’s chewing on.
Baekhyun hesitates. The days that followed the wedding weren’t pretty. Jongin seemed to have made a decision based on his current situation to plant himself in Baekhyun’s apartment and bury himself in the sheets. He hasn’t really left the apartment since then, merely getting up to eat a little bit before burrowing himself back again with his misery.
Chanyeol watches Baekhyun with a careful eye. “Is he sleeping at your place?”
“I can’t exactly let him sleep at the apartment he was supposed to share with Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun reasons, looking to Jongdae and Junmyeon for some moral support. Jongdae merely shrugs, while Junmyeon looks away. “Staying there would just make him even more depressed,” he continues.
Chanyeol purses his lips as if wanting to say something more but decides against it. He turns to Jongdae instead and they start discussing some project Jongdae has for his job. Baekhyun breathes a sigh of relief because he knows exactly what Chanyeol was thinking, knows exactly what he wanted to say. But those are things he doesn’t want to hear at the moment. He’s been reminded of it everyday ever since… He slightly shakes his head and takes a piece of galbi in his mouth.
“You okay?” Junmyeon asks quietly, nudging him. Baekhyun looks at him and there’s an uncertain smile on Junmyeon’s face.
Baekhyun smiles back and nods. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he sighs. “I’m just worried about him. I mean, it’s impossible for me to know how it’s like to be dumped on your wedding day so I don’t really know how best to comfort him.”
He plays with the food on his plate. Jongin’s been noncommittal about everything. Whenever Baekhyun asks him what he wants to eat or what he wants to watch on TV or whether he’d like to go get groceries with him, all Jongin would do is shrug and go back into the bedroom. At night, when Jongin thinks that Baekhyun is asleep, their backs turned to each other on the bed, Jongin cries. In the morning, Baekhyun sees Jongin’s red, puffy eyes and the tear streaks on his face, but he never says anything.
“You’ll know what to do,” Junmyeon says. “You’re the best friend.”
The statement hits Baekhyun harder than Junmyeon intends it and it shows on Junmyeon’s face. His eyes widen when Baekhyun flinches as if Junmyeon physically pushed him back. Chanyeol and Jongdae look up from their conversation. But Baekhyun merely smiles and shakes his head, brushing it off like it’s nothing.
-
Baekhyun and Jongin had met way back when they were still in diapers and didn’t really know the concept of friendship. They’d traded milk bottles, toys and candies, and, somehow, managed to stick together throughout the years. Or, as Baekhyun always likes to say, Jongin stuck with him throughout the years because he just likes Baekhyun so much. A smile always makes its way to Baekhyun’s face when he thinks about this. Because it’s something that Jongin has never denied either.
As they grew older, their friendship consisted mostly of Jongin nagging Baekhyun to treat him to food or movies or to buy him this cool comic book, while Jongin made sure that no one touched Baekhyun in school or even so much as gave him an evil eye. Because, while Baekhyun was older, he was also much smaller than Jongin. Baekhyun is also kind of pretty and so people tend to tease him or want to manhandle him.
Baekhyun’s pretty much used to Jongin asking something and him giving it. It’s something that he does without thinking because he knows that if he asks something of Jongin, he’d gladly do the same for him. But he never really asks for anything because there really isn’t anything more from Jongin he can ever want aside from Jongin being himself and being his friend.
“That’s the lie that you always tell yourself, Baekhyun,” he hears Chanyeol’s constant argument to him when Jongin is brought up when they’re talking.
It’s not that Baekhyun is lying to himself. He really doesn’t expect much from Jongin except for his friendship. Because he knows that it’s all Jongin can give him. Why ask for something you know can’t be given to you? And so he spares himself the disappointment and heartache and never asks for anything more.
“Aren’t you tired of just giving and giving and never getting anything in return?” is another question that Chanyeol constantly asks him. “You can’t just say yes to everything he asks from you.”
Baekhyun smiles to himself as he unlocks his apartment. If there’s something he can’t do, it’s saying no to Jongin. Although, sometimes, he just might agree with Chanyeol.
Jongin is standing in the middle of the living area, staring at an envelope in his hand, when Baekhyun walks in. He removes his shoes and shrugs his coat off to hang it on the rack and slowly approaches him. Jongin only looks up when Baekhyun is close enough.
“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun asks. He knows that the answer to this question is mostly no, but he always asks because maybe, one day, the answer will sincerely be yes.
Jongin takes a deep breath as his eyes fall on the envelope once more. “Kyungsoo and I booked our honeymoon way before we even picked a venue for our wedding,” he speaks as if reminding himself. He scoffs. “I’ve completely forgotten about this,” he smiles wryly at Baekhyun. “It’s a Europe trip.”
The Europe trip that Jongin kept on talking about all the time right after they’d booked it. Jongin’s always wanted to go to Europe and having made plans to go there with the person he cared about the most made it all the more exciting. London, Italy, Paris. Baekhyun takes a deep breath. He knows their itinerary well because he was the one who’d helped Jongin create it.
“You should still go. I mean, everything’s already paid for anyway,” Baekhyun suggests. It was probably best for Jongin to get away, to clear his mind at a place where he won’t be reminded so much about Kyungsoo every second of the day. “I’m sure your boss can let you off.”
“I have already filed my leave,” Jongin seems to be thinking about it. But there’s a crease in between his brows and Baekhyun knows he’s trying very hard not to be emotional about the whole thing.
“There you go then,” Baekhyun says. He gently takes the envelope from Jongin’s hand and places it back on the table. “C’mon. The guys are probably waiting for us. You should go get ready.”
Baekhyun’s halfway to his room when Jongin calls out, “There are two tickets.”
Baekhyun freezes and he slowly turns back to face him again. His eyes move towards the envelope on the table, feeling his chest crushing his heart as it constricts. Even before he looks up, even before Jongin opens his mouth to speak, he already knows what’s coming to him.
He starts shaking his head. “Jongin, I don’t think-”
“It’s just for a couple of weeks,” Jongin cuts him off desperately. “I’m sure you can get off work.”
“It’s a whole month, Jongin,” Baekhyun reasons, trying to swallow the big lump that has placed itself at the base of his throat. “I can’t just take a sudden vacation. I can’t just leave.”
“But the ticket’s already there and I know you have your passport ready,” Jongin insists, taking a couple of strides across the room before he’s standing right in front of Baekhyun, hands on his shoulders. “Besides, it’s Europe. You’ve always wanted to go to Europe. This is your chance.”
“But I-“ Baekhyun finds himself out of counter options.
“Please, Baek,” Jongin whispers frantically. “I know I need to get away, but maybe it’s better if you go with me. That way I can still find my way even if I get lost. You know how lost I can get.”
Baekhyun meets his eyes. He can’t help but think that Jongin isn’t just talking about getting lost in Europe. But he doesn’t allow himself to dig deeper. Instead, he nods.
“Okay,” he softly gives in. “Only because it’s Europe.”
Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut as Jongin hugs him tightly. He hopes he won’t come to regret this.
-
“When were you going to tell me that you were going on a little trip?” Chanyeol asks Baekhyun as his forkful of pasta is halfway to his mouth.
Baekhyun swallows and puts his fork down, suddenly feeling like he’s lost his appetite. He glances out of the window of the restaurant and sees people rushing to and fro, having places to go, things to do. He wonders just how complicated their lives are compared to his.
“How did you find out?” Baekhyun takes a deep breath as he meets his gaze.
“Apparently Jongin mentioned it in passing to Jongdae,” Chanyeol explains, waving it off dismissively. He leans towards him, elbows on the table. “Baekhyun, I know you’re looking out for him and I know that you think this will help him because he says he needs you. But this is a bad idea.”
“I know that,” Baekhyun snaps and Chanyeol straightens up in surprise. He breathes deeply. “I know that going with him isn’t really going to be good for him,” he repeats in a calmer fashion. “He needs to be able to think and that would be easier for him if I’m not around. But he asked and I just… if you’d seen him… He’s so broken, Chanyeol,” he worriedly says as he meets Chanyeol’s furrowed brow. “I can’t just leave him by himself. Especially somewhere as far away as Europe.”
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything as Baekhyun resumes eating his pasta. As soon as he’d agreed to go on the trip, Jongin took out the list of things that they needed to pack, a list that Baekhyun had made. Jongin was actually excited. He had smiled like he hadn’t been doing for the past two weeks after the wedding and Baekhyun really didn’t have the heart to rain on his parade.
“When I said that it was a bad idea, I didn’t mean for Jongin,” Chanyeol starts speaking again, shaking his head when Baekhyun starts to interrupt. “I meant for you.”
Baekhyun looks down at his half-eaten food. “Chanyeol, please,” he entreats in a rasped voice.
“You know I’m right,” Chanyeol maintains. “This…friendship that you have with Jongin has been destroying you for years.”
“I’m fine,” Baekhyun insists, still not meeting his eyes.
“If you go on this trip, you’re just going to hurt yourself even more,” Chanyeol continues adamantly. “And you’re going to find out, yet again, that you’re in love with someone who will never see you the way you see him-“
Baekhyun slams his hand on the table. Chanyeol leans back on his seat just as other patrons curiously glance their way. He and Chanyeol had been friends for years, meeting in several university classes as Chanyeol was taking up engineering. Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol had always known about his feelings for his best friend. But never had he so candidly spoken about it the way he is doing now. And never has the truth hurt so much.
“I know all those things,” Baekhyun starts to speak in slow and measured tones, clenching his hand on the table into a tight fist. “You don’t have to be worried about me or my feelings and remind me about them. I’m not stupid.”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tries to interrupt.
“I’m going on this trip with him because he asked me to,” Baekhyun goes on like Chanyeol hasn’t spoken. “I’m going because I’m his best friend first and foremost. That’s a priority above and beyond any sort of feelings I may have for him.”
“You’re just going to get hurt,” Chanyeol looks truly concerned and Baekhyun knows that he’s reminded of all those times Baekhyun has broken down and cried because a one-sided love was just too painful to go through.
“I know,” Baekhyun agrees resignedly. He clasps his hands together and takes a deep breath because he does understand what Chanyeol is telling him. Many stupid things have been done for love, but hurting one’s self because of it should never be one of them. But he’s been Jongin’s best friend for so long that he can’t just stop the friendship in a snap of a finger. “I know,” he repeats.
Chanyeol reaches out across the table and puts both his hands on top of Baekhyun’s clasped ones. “Will you call when it becomes too much?” he asks.
Baekhyun forces a smile as he turns his hand upside down to hold Chanyeol’s instead.
-
It’s the night before their flight and Baekhyun is doing some last minute packing, going through everything and making sure they’re bringing everything that they need. The doorbell rings and Baekhyun straightens up and pads through the apartment in his socks to open the door.
“Hi,” Junmyeon greets.
“Hey,” Baekhyun returns the greeting, surprised, letting him in.
“Just wondering if you wanted some help with any last minute thing,” Junmyeon offers, following Baekhyun into the apartment and watching as he takes out a couple of too big shirts out of one of the luggage. “I’m guessing that’s Jongin unpacking unnecessarily again.”
“If by unnecessary, you mean a teddy bear and a case of beer, then yes,” Baekhyun shares with an eye roll. “I think he’s scared that beer would be too expensive in Europe.”
“And the bear…?” Junmyeon’s brows are furrowed.
Baekhyun laughs. “It’s a gift from his parents when he was younger. He likes having it around wherever he is,” he explains. He puts the bear in another luggage and zips up the other one. “I’m surprised you managed to get time away from work to come visit,” he continues.
“I won’t be able to see you off tomorrow so I figured…” Junmyeon shrugs then looks around. “Where’s Jongin?”
“Bought some snacks for the plane,” Baekhyun says, walking back into the bedroom to get his bag where their passports and tickets are. “And you don’t have to see us off, you know. Chanyeol’s just being overly fussy about the whole thing.”
Chanyeol has never stopped giving him warnings and pep talks about the trip, telling him again and again how things can horribly go wrong and how he could end up crying and regretting ever going with Jongin. And, while Baekhyun hears him out, he also just takes it for what it is and ignores him. Sometimes, though, he pats Chanyeol’s cheek in affection, to which Chanyeol swats his hand away and scowls.
Junmyeon lets out a breath and stuffs his hands in his slacks pocket. “I want to,” he decisively states. “Baekhyun, there’s something I want to tell you.”
“What is it?” Baekhyun asks distractedly as he sorts through some paperwork.
Junmyeon approaches him, empties Baekhyun’s hands and places his own on his arms. “Baekhyun,” he repeats and Baekhyun finally looks at him. “There’s something I want to-“ He clears his throat. “I think you can do better.”
“Sorry, what are you-I don’t understand,” Baekhyun says, his eyes curiously tracing Junmyeon’s face. “Junmyeon?” he presses when he doesn’t respond.
“I think you shouldn’t go on this trip,” Junmyeon clarifies, taking a deep breath.
“What?” Baekhyun manages to chuckle despite his perplexity.
“I think it’s unfair for you because you’re Jongin’s best friend,” Junmyeon rambles, “and he should know better than to ask you for anything like this because if he knew better, if he knew you at all then he wouldn’t because he understands and-“
Baekhyun places a hand on Junmyeon’s chest and stops him. “Wait, where is this coming from?” he asks.
This is the first time he’s hearing anything of this sort coming from Junmyeon, who’s normally so calm and genial. He’s always been a good friend, but was never really the type to meddle into anything in his personal life. He didn’t even know that Junmyeon knew about his feelings for Jongin.
“You deserve better, Baekhyun, I wish you would see that,” Junmyeon practically pleads.
“I’m not sure I follow,” Baekhyun lies. Because even if his feelings for Jongin may be written on his face, he’d rather not say them out loud.
“You’re in love with him,” Junmyeon spells out. “You’re in love with someone who’s in love with someone else, who’s always been in love with someone else, who-“
“Stop,” Baekhyun says, pushing him back. He takes a couple of steps away from and takes a couple of deep breaths. This strangely feels like déjà vu, except this time it’s with someone whom he’s never ever talked to about Jongin, someone from the outside. It just means that he doesn’t have a grasp on this whole situation as well as he thought he did.
“He was getting married to Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon goes on. He reaches out and grasps Baekhyun’s arms again, much tighter this time. “He was getting married-“
“Stop. It,” Baekhyun repeats, this time in a much lower voice. He allows Chanyeol to speak to him like this because Chanyeol’s been his friend much longer and he’s someone he actually whines to about his feelings. But Junmyeon, as much as he is a friend, has no right to speak to him like this. He pushes Junmyeon back harder. “You don’t know what you’re-“
“But I do know, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon interrupts Baekhyun, who just becomes even more infuriated. “I do know.”
And before Baekhyun can react, Junmyeon’s pressing him against a wall, lips on his.
-
Baekhyun isn’t sure why he ever thought that Jongin pushing through with his “honeymoon” and going with him was ever a good idea. Maybe because he really thought that it would help Jongin get out of the rut, that being in another country, another continent, would make him feel, even the slightest bit, better, that it would make him see that things aren’t so bad, that life goes on. Baekhyun’s never felt so stupid and helpless in his entire life. Because, instead of all the things that Baekhyun had hoped Jongin would think and experience, Jongin has decided to further bury himself in desolation, European style.
Baekhyun bites his lip as he looks back to where Jongin is sprawled on the foot of the sofa, eyes bearing into the flashing pictures on the British television, hair greasy, face tear-streaked and beer on hand. It was a picture of utter despair and one that Baekhyun can’t bear to witness at the moment. He closes the door behind him and walks down the hallway to the hotel elevators.
As he walks down street, the street lamps lighting the road in yellow, he takes his phone from his pocket and dials a number.
Chanyeol answers on the second ring.
“Hey,” Chanyeol greets. There the sound of some rustling sheets and Baekhyun suddenly remembers the time difference. “I was wondering if you’d ever call.”
“You could have called me,” Baekhyun points out. He sighs, thinking that maybe it was a bad idea to call Chanyeol at all. “I can call at another time.”
“Stop,” Chanyeol stifles a yawn. “You know I don’t care when you call, that I like it better when you call me because it means you’re actually talking and letting things out. But, just so you know, paying for international calls is not really my thing,” he reminds him with a chuckle and Baekhyun weakly echoes him. Chanyeol quiets and sighs. “Still no improvement?”
“I really don’t know why he had to come all the way to Europe just to continue wasting away,” is Baekhyun’s response.
“Is that really what you’re wondering about or are you really wondering why you ever agreed to go with him?” Chanyeol returns.
“Can’t I wonder about both?” Baekhyun replies, taking a seat on the sidewalk. He looks up at the dark, cloudy sky, trying to catch the raindrops that were starting to make their way down with his free hand.
There was a similar night like this just a couple of years ago. Baekhyun’s boyfriend had just dumped him and he decided that drowning himself with beer and rain was a good idea. He had just started to think that singing depressing love songs was a good idea when Jongin had suddenly materialized beside him, beer in hand as well.
Baekhyun remembers Jongin quietly humming along, his arm around his shoulders, making him rest his head on his. After a while, when Baekhyun had stopped singing, Jongin started humming happier songs in an effort to make him laugh, which it did. By the end of the night, Baekhyun was laughing because there was really nothing funnier than Jongin singing.
It’s the small things like these that always have Baekhyun coming back to Jongin. No matter how much being in love with him hurt, Jongin still always manages to make him feel better when he needs him the most. Jongin may be oblivious to his feelings, but he’s always been a good best friend, and Baekhyun can’t say he doesn’t appreciate his efforts in that regard. Sometimes, though, he still wonders how he can go on pretending that he doesn’t care that Jongin doesn’t even notice the glaring detail of him being in love with him.
Chanyeol sighs through his yawn. “You already know how I feel about you and him,” he finally says. “But you’re already there and there’s no point in crying over something you have no control of. Unless, you want to come home?”
“No,” is Baekhyun’s immediate answer. He’s never abandoned Jongin before and he’s not going to start now. “I can’t. I’ll…” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll talk to him.”
“About Junmyeon, I-,” Chanyeol starts, but Baekhyun interrupts him.
“Don’t,” Baekhyun says, taking a deep breath. He isn’t sure why he’s never noticed it before. But thinking about Junmyeon now just makes him feel guilty and reminds him how much unrequited love can be a bitch. “Things are complicated enough as it is.”
When Baekhyun returns to their hotel room, he finds the television still on, playing some classic romance movie, and Jongin splayed on the couch, head bent to the side, the bottles of beer he had finished scattered on the floor. He sighs as he closes the door behind him and proceeds to clean up the mess. He can’t really remember the last time Jongin got himself drunk like this. When he thinks about it, Jongin never got drunk like this; except for that one time when they had a weird argument about something that Baekhyun doesn’t even remember anymore back in freshman year.
“Jongin,” he gently prods him awake once he’s finished cleaning up the mess by the turned off television. “Hey.” Jongin merely groans and shifts in his position, which now means that his head is cradled on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “C’mon, Jongin. You can’t sleep on the couch.”
“Don’t care,” Jongin mumbles, rubbing his nose on Baekhyun’s neck.
Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a very deep breath. “Jongin, come on,” he insists, trying to haul him off the couch to no avail. “You reek of alcohol and you have to get dressed. You’re going to have such a bad hang over in the morning.”
Jongin doesn’t move. Baekhyun watches the rise and fall of his chest, his eyelashes splayed out on his cheeks, and thinks about how young he looks. Sometimes he forgets that Jongin is two years younger than him. In all their years of friendship, Jongin’s always acted like the older one, probably because he was way taller than him, thinking that it’s his job to protect him. Baekhyun thinks, though, that all it’s done is make him dependent on Jongin. He thinks he’s been set up for disappointment all his life.
“I’ve seriously had enough of this,” he continues in frustration.
He remembers telling Chanyeol that he’d talk to Jongin. But he’s a coward and can’t really tell Jongin any of his frustrations because he firmly believes that he doesn’t have any right to feel that way. He’s not supposed to be in love with his best friend, after all.
“If you won’t even bother taking care of yourself anymore, I won’t do it for you. I’m not…” Baekhyun blinks because sudden tears sting his eyes. “I’m not your babysitter. I’m your best friend and if you can’t-“ He cuts himself off as he places a blanket over Jongin. “I’m your best friend,” he repeats, watching as Jongin’s chest moves up and down with each slumbered breath. “I wish you’d make an effort to be mine, too. I’m here. In Europe. With you, because you asked me to, and I wish you’d try harder even though it’s painful, even though you feel like you’d rather die. Just… I wish I don’t have to tell you these things for you to understand how I feel.” He takes a deep breath and swipes at the tear that slid down his cheek. “I wish you knew me like I knew you, Jongin. I wish you understood that I-“ Shaking his head, he stands up and decides to let that thought go unfinished.
As he slides under the bed covers, he tries to find Jongin in the darkness of the room. He lies down on the bed and closes his eyes when he couldn’t see him.
-
Baekhyun is in the middle of a dream-about what, he suddenly can’t remember anymore-when he feels a form of warmth pressing up against him, subsequently dragging him out of dreamland. He breathes in deeply and snuggles onto what seems like a muscular chest. There’s a tightening around his waist as he’s pulled closer to the warmth. Sighing in contentment, he gives in, humming in agreement. He smiles when lips are pressed onto his forehead, his eyes fluttering open.
It takes him five seconds to realize that he’s pressed against Jongin, their arms around each other and their legs tangled together.
Pushing Jongin off ungracefully, he sits up and takes in the state that they’re in. It seems Jongin had made his way into the bed somewhere in the middle of the night. He vaguely remembers shifting his position on the bed the night before and thinks back in horror how he welcomingly pulled in the cozy presence towards himself.
To his left, Jongin groans. “It’s too early in the morning to be over thinking about things,” he announces, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his left hand.
“You were-“ Baekhyun lamely points at the couch.
“Yeah,” Jongin explains with a yawn. “I was getting up to go to the bathroom when I saw you shivering and I couldn’t leave you cold, you know? You always get cold so easily.”
Baekhyun blushes. “Thanks,” he clears his throat and moves to get out of the bed. He starts walking away from the bed towards the bathroom when he turns back and leans forward to place the blanket back on Jongin. “You should go back to bed. I’ll be out of here in no time.”
Because that’s become their routine. Jongin sleeps in, Baekhyun places a glass of water and some medicine on the bedside table to help with his hangover, writes a note to remind Jongin to order in and actually take in some food, and then leaves to go sightseeing.
Baekhyun’s halfway towards the bathroom, clothes and utilities in hand when Jongin asks, “Aren’t you taking me with you?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re still half drunk,” Baekhyun answers evenly. “You should just go back to bed and get some rest. Besides, it’s our last day in London. We can just have dinner out when I get back if you really want to go out.”
Jongin sits up and shakes his head. “I’ve taken care of that hangover,” he explains. “I’ve taken the medicine and have actually showered already. I can just dress up and be ready to go in a couple of minutes.”
Baekhyun takes a couple of skeptical steps towards him and breathes in deeply when he’s close enough to smell Jongin’s scent. He doesn’t smell like alcohol and when he looks at him, he doesn’t look like he’s about to keel over any moment. Jongin grins at him when their eyes meet.
“Do I pass?” Jongin asks, still smiling.
“I’ll just shower,” Baekhyun replies instead and locks himself in the bathroom.
Later on, as they stroll down Piccadilly Street, Jongin takes Baekhyun’s hand in his and squeezes it. Baekhyun squeezes back.
-
Germany is definitely a lot more different than London. Aside from the fact that it’s a whole other country with a diverse culture and customs, it’s a deviation from their original itinerary. They were supposed to go to Italy next, but, on a whim, Jongin suggested that they stop by Germany since it’s on the way to Italy anyway. And Baekhyun, seeing Jongin suddenly so alive and excited for the first time since the wedding, gave in and allowed the side trip to Germany.
Jongin purses his lips as he studies the map before he looks up at a seemingly random direction. “I think our hotel is this way,” he points to his left side and turns back to the map again.
“Are you sure?” Baekhyun asks, slightly stressed because the last thing he wants to happen to them is to get lost. He doesn’t like the feeling, which is why he meticulously planned their itineraries in London, Italy and Paris. He doesn’t like not knowing where he is and how to get to and away from a certain place. “Maybe we should-“
“Relax,” Jongin assures him, taking his wrist and leading him away from the street corner where the cab had dropped them off. For some reason unknown to Baekhyun, Jongin managed to bungle the directions to their hotel. “We’ll be fine.”
The last time Jongin had used the word fine in a sentence, he practically trashed their suite in London. Baekhyun had asked if he was going to be okay by himself on their first day and Jongin answered that he was going to be fine. When Baekhyun returned, if he hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought that Jongin threw a party.
After an hour of circling the same block, because Jongin can’t read a map to save his life (and didn’t want Baekhyun to do anything but “relax”), they finally found their hotel. Baekhyun flops down on the bed as Jongin rummages around with his luggage for something. After this carries on for more than a couple of minutes, he sits up and watches him.
“What are you looking for?” Baekhyun asks curiously.
“Just some stuff,” Jongin vaguely answers.
“Would those stuff happen to be the papers you had lying around the floor yesterday?” Baekhyun carefully asks. Jongin looks up at him hopefully and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “They’re folded in the inner side pocket of your luggage.”
Jongin fishes them out and beams when he finds them. “Thank you,” he practically sighs out in relief. He takes a step forward and presses a kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead. Taking his phone out, he grabs his backpack and walks towards the door. “I’ll be right back. You stay here and… rest.” With a wink, he’s out of the room.
Baekhyun just stares at him. His forehead is still tingling where Jongin’s lips have touched him.
-
Berlin is famous for its music and nightlife, which is why when Jongin brings Baekhyun to one of the clubbing districts he really isn’t surprised. And even though clubbing isn’t really his thing (more of Jongin’s because he’s into dancing), he just tightens his hand on his because he doesn’t really want to get lost in this sea of people. That, and because he didn’t really pay attention to where streets and corners that the cab had passed because Jongin said he’s in charge of the Germany leg of their trip.
As Jongin moves to the beat of the music in the middle of the dance floor, Baekhyun sits back and just watches.
He likes watching Jongin dance because it’s something that Jongin’s always had for himself, something he knows Jongin doesn’t have to share with anyone else, and something that he can lose himself in.
Then again, Jongin always seems to lose himself in the things he likes and forgets everything else.
Because, somewhere in between the King Kong Club, Weekend and the Kaffee Burger, Baekhyun finds himself alone. And, although it hurts, it really shouldn’t have surprised him anymore.
-
As the sun’s rays are just starting to peek through the hotel curtains, Baekhyun feels Jongin stealthily slide into bed. He squeezes his eyes shut and pretends that he hadn’t been awake all this time, waiting for him to get back.
Jongin wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him back towards him, his breath ghosting the back of Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun tries to breathe evenly to keep up the pretense of being asleep because he really can’t deal with Jongin at the moment. He can’t deal with the ache in his heart that just keeps on growing and growing because he continuously lies to himself that nothing is wrong.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers to his neck. There’s a pause and a deep breath. “I am your best friend, Baek. I see you,” he continues. Baekhyun uncontrollably stiffens and Jongin knowingly tightens his arm around him. “And I’m trying. Just… I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
Baekhyun bites his tongue, forcing himself not to retort back. He knows it will happen again. Because Jongin still doesn’t understand. There’s so much he doesn’t understand and doesn’t see. Jongin is just apologizing for all the wrong reasons and it just makes his heart ache even more.
-
Still, Jongin is trying so Baekhyun gives him credit for that. Now that he knows that his frustrated tirade didn’t really fall on deaf ears, or sleeping ones for that matter, he appreciates that Jongin created this whole Germany trip just for him.
“Wait, so you’re in Germany right now?” Chanyeol’s surprise seeps through the phone line and makes Baekhyun chuckle.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun answers as he watches Jongin industriously scrub off the wine stain on his white shirt. “Just for a couple of days then we go back to the original itinerary.”
“So he just woke up one morning, decided to be sober and played tour guide for you. In Germany,” Chanyeol paraphrases.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun hesitates. “I kind of said something and I guess he listened even if he wasn’t meant to really hear it.” He raises his eyebrows in amusement when Jongin grumbles really loudly and furrows his eyebrows at the purplish stain.
“You talked to him, but you didn’t mean for him to hear it…?” Chanyeol repeats, sounding confused.
“Oh, he was drunk and I just…” Baekhyun sighs. “He took me to dinner earlier. It’s this very interesting place where the whole restaurant’s dark and they teach you how to actually find your food so you can eat and-“ He sighs again. “Chanyeol, Jongin’s never ever taken me to a fancy dinner before.”
“That sure sounds fancy,” Chanyeol comments with a chuckle. “I mean, you couldn’t see anything. Did you guys knock over anything?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun distractedly responds. “Jongin spilled wine on himself. Chanyeol, I just-“
“He just broke up with Kyungsoo, Baek,” Chanyeol cuts him off. “If you can even call that a break-up. That was more like the ending of a future. I’m sorry to tell you like this, but you can’t let this get your hopes up. You’re on his honeymoon.”
“You’re right,” Baekhyun averts his eyes when Jongin looks up at him and smiles. “You’re right. I’m being stupid.”
“You’re not,” Chanyeol corrects him adamantly. “You’re just… you’re just in love.”
Baekhyun thinks that being in love and being stupid can go hand-in-hand but he doesn’t tell Chanyeol that. Instead, he takes another deep breath and asks something that’s been nagging at him since the start of their vacation.
“How’s--how’s Junmyeon?” He says it so quickly that he imagines Chanyeol trying to figure out what he’s just said before managing an answer.
“How do you think he is?” Chanyeol returns, and Baekhyun can hear the cautiousness in his voice.
Baekhyun steps out of the washroom and leans his back against the wall. He closes his eyes. He knows exactly just how Junmyeon is feeling. What he can get past is the fact that he’s done exactly what Jongin’s been doing all these years. He never noticed because he was busy looking elsewhere, and he really hated himself for that. Maybe he gets just as lost into the things he likes just as much as Jongin does.
“Don’t blame yourself,” Chanyeol speaks when Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. “It’s not your fault. There are some things that just aren’t...” He trails off and clears his throat.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun whispers. He looks up when Jongin comes out, stain still overtly present on his shirt. “Hey,” he tells Chanyeol. “I have to go.” He ends the call and pockets his phone. “I guess we’re buying you a new shirt,” he teases Jongin.
Baekhyun consoles himself with the idea that, at least, he now knows about Junmyeon’s feelings, has acknowledged it, and has let him down gently. He believes that being let down is better than waiting for something that might never even come.
-
Part 2
EXO | Baekhyun/Kai | PG-13 | 12,787w
Angst, Friendship, Romance
Baekhyun knows that friendship is all Jongin can give him. And so he spares himself the disappointment and heartache and never asks for anything more.
Written for nekkajitge for SNCJ's Secret Santa for 2012
Tunnel Vision
There is a quiet, but surging excitement in the hallowed hall. The walls are glistening white; the pews shining in an exuberant brown. White veils hang on the sides of the pews, small white and blue flowers adorning them. The carpet has been rolled out on the aisle, dark and pristine red. The church bells are ringing, echoing in the hearts of those present.
As the wedding march starts playing above the din of the crowd, Jongin cuffs the back of his shoes on the spotted beige marble floor. It’s a habit of his, a nervous one if anyone were keen enough to observe. He then shifts his feet, one small step to the left, one small step to the right, looking like he was doing some awkward dance in front of the altar. He looks up from where he’s staring at the tips of his shiny black shoes as the double doors open, and he keeps holding the breath that he realizes he hasn’t really let go of the moment he arrived at the church.
Junmyeon enters and murmurs immediately erupt from the crowd. The playing of the wedding march is halted. Jongin schools his expression even as Junmyeon reaches him to explain something he’s already felt that morning when he woke up, his phone empty of messages. He thinks he’s already known it even a month prior to this auspicious event. He averts his gaze from Junmyeon, merely nodding as upsetting word after upsetting word comes out of his mouth. It really isn’t something new, but that doesn’t mean it makes his eyes sting with tears any less. But before a tear could slide down his cheek, an arm is already around him, ushering him towards one of the side rooms that the church has.
Baekhyun sits him down on the sofa, making sure he’s comfortable before he goes to get him a glass of water. Jongin keeps his eyes closed even as Baekhyun makes him drink because maybe if he closes his eyes long enough, when he opens them again everything will have turned out to be a dream and everything will be okay.
“Jongin, look at me,” Baekhyun quietly says, slightly pleading. Jongin opens his eyes, but avoids meeting his imploring ones. He hesitantly reaches out and places his fingers on Jongin’s jaw, slowly orienting his head to make him look at him. “It’s okay,” he whispers when Jongin finally gives in and meets his gaze.
It’s only then that Jongin allows himself to burst into tears.
-
The apartment is half empty. Jongin stops in his tracks as soon as he enters, making Baekhyun almost walk right into his back. He eyes the boxes in the middle of the living room. But, even as he approaches it and before he goes through them, he already knows that everything in the apartment are things that solely belong to him. Still, it doesn’t stop him from going through every drawer, every cabinet, every closet and nook and cranny. When he’s done checking even the trash bins, he flops down on the floor in the middle of the living room, just beside the mousy brown sofa.
“He really left,” Jongin says through his tears, head bowed, hands flat on the floor. “He left me.”
Baekhyun stands by the door, helpless. In all the years he’s been Jongin’s best friend, he’s only seen Jongin cry twice.
The second time he’s seen Jongin cry was when Baekhyun accidently stepped on his favorite red toy car when they were ten years old. Baekhyun remembers running around the house, away from Jongin, who was trying to scare him with a dead cockroach. It felt like time stopped when they heard a loud crunching sound the moment his foot connected with the toy car. His eyes widened and, immediately, he looked at Jongin, who had thrown himself on the floor, the pieces of the car in his hands. He remembers very clearly how Jongin had cried, as if mourning the loss of a most favored friend. Now that Baekhyun thinks about it, that toy car might have been just that to Jongin. It was the last gift Jongin’s father had given him before he had left them for another family the year before, which was the first time that he’d seen Jongin cry.
Baekhyun cradles Jongin’s head in his arms as he continues to cry, harder than he’s ever had. Jongin is clinging onto him like his life depended on it, arms tight around his waist, his tears soaking through the material of his shirt.
“I don’t understand,” Jongin manages to speak through his tears. “I did everything right. I did everything for him.” His memories with Kyungsoo flash in his head like scenes in a movie. He keeps on searching his head for some clue or any hint that would have led to Kyungsoo leaving him on the day of their wedding. Sure, they weren’t always happy, but they loved each other. He just can’t understand what happened. “I did my best-“
“Shh,” Baekhyun gently interrupts, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “Recounting things won’t do you any good.” He tries very hard not to cry, not to have his own heart break by the fact that Jongin is laying himself bear like this with him, pouring his brokenness out, trying to dissect what was wrong with him. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” he promises. “This isn’t your fault.”
All their lives together, Baekhyun’s always been blaming Jongin for things. When Baekhyun first scraped his knee, he cried and screamed at Jongin because he had pushed him in his excitement to get to the swings first. When Baekhyun’s ice cream had fallen, he grabbed Jongin’s own ice cream and threw it to the ground because when Jongin tried to have a taste of Baekhyun’s ice cream, it tipped the whole thing and made it fall. When Baekhyun’s boyfriend had dumped him, he almost wanted to smack Jongin in the face because his boyfriend said that Jongin being around Baekhyun all the time just didn’t sit right with him.
There are many other things, like how his own apartment is perpetually messy because Jongin’s things are always scattered everywhere, or how his social life is practically non-existent because Jongin still insists that Baekhyun remind him of his meetings and appointments like he’s his personal secretary. Or like how Baekhyun really can’t get mad at Jongin for all of these things simply because he is who he is.
But this is one thing he cannot blame on him.
Baekhyun has seen how hard Jongin worked to make his relationship with Kyungsoo sail smoothly. Being an architect meant that Jongin mostly traveled around the city to do site checks and building checks, but he always made sure that he had time for Kyungsoo. He tried to come home as early as he can so he can have dinner with Kyungsoo. Or if he had to come home late, he’d always bring breakfast for him. Kyungsoo suddenly breaking up with Jongin, and on their wedding day, too, really baffles Baekhyun. How can anyone not want Jongin?
“But I-“ Jongin tries to speak to try to rationalize things, but Baekhyun shushes him. He hums a song in Jongin’s ear to continue calming him down.
Baekhyun rationalizes in his stead. Kyungsoo and Jongin did everything together, from going to university together, to buying groceries because Jongin would just end up buying potato chips if left to his own devices, to watching cartoon on lazy Sunday afternoons. After Baekhyun had introduced them to each other, Kyungsoo had become a constant third to their gatherings. And then Jongin confessed and the rest was history. Their marriage had been planned ever since they were in university. Baekhyun tries racking his brains for any sign that Kyungsoo was unhappy, but he really can’t find anything.
He clutches Jongin tighter when Jongin shifts in their embrace as his song dies out. Jongin has stopped crying, now just absently tracing patterns on Baekhyun’s arm, leaving goose bumps in their wake.
“Baek,” Jongin’s voice croaks and Baekhyun presses another kiss to his head. “Can we just stay like this for a while?”
“For as long as you like.” Baekhyun swallows back the sobs gathering up in his throat.
-
“How is he doing?” Chanyeol asks for mere formality, Baekhyun knows, because how else would someone who’s been dumped on his wedding day feel?
“Doesn’t want to get out of the apartment,” Baekhyun shares. That morning, he insisted that Jongin come with him to the site where he’s currently designing a building for one of the prominent business owners in the city. But Jongin merely grumbled into the pillow and ignored whatever else that came out of his mouth.
“I thought they still didn’t have a bed in the apartment,” Jongdae comments around the kimbap he’s chewing on.
Baekhyun hesitates. The days that followed the wedding weren’t pretty. Jongin seemed to have made a decision based on his current situation to plant himself in Baekhyun’s apartment and bury himself in the sheets. He hasn’t really left the apartment since then, merely getting up to eat a little bit before burrowing himself back again with his misery.
Chanyeol watches Baekhyun with a careful eye. “Is he sleeping at your place?”
“I can’t exactly let him sleep at the apartment he was supposed to share with Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun reasons, looking to Jongdae and Junmyeon for some moral support. Jongdae merely shrugs, while Junmyeon looks away. “Staying there would just make him even more depressed,” he continues.
Chanyeol purses his lips as if wanting to say something more but decides against it. He turns to Jongdae instead and they start discussing some project Jongdae has for his job. Baekhyun breathes a sigh of relief because he knows exactly what Chanyeol was thinking, knows exactly what he wanted to say. But those are things he doesn’t want to hear at the moment. He’s been reminded of it everyday ever since… He slightly shakes his head and takes a piece of galbi in his mouth.
“You okay?” Junmyeon asks quietly, nudging him. Baekhyun looks at him and there’s an uncertain smile on Junmyeon’s face.
Baekhyun smiles back and nods. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he sighs. “I’m just worried about him. I mean, it’s impossible for me to know how it’s like to be dumped on your wedding day so I don’t really know how best to comfort him.”
He plays with the food on his plate. Jongin’s been noncommittal about everything. Whenever Baekhyun asks him what he wants to eat or what he wants to watch on TV or whether he’d like to go get groceries with him, all Jongin would do is shrug and go back into the bedroom. At night, when Jongin thinks that Baekhyun is asleep, their backs turned to each other on the bed, Jongin cries. In the morning, Baekhyun sees Jongin’s red, puffy eyes and the tear streaks on his face, but he never says anything.
“You’ll know what to do,” Junmyeon says. “You’re the best friend.”
The statement hits Baekhyun harder than Junmyeon intends it and it shows on Junmyeon’s face. His eyes widen when Baekhyun flinches as if Junmyeon physically pushed him back. Chanyeol and Jongdae look up from their conversation. But Baekhyun merely smiles and shakes his head, brushing it off like it’s nothing.
-
Baekhyun and Jongin had met way back when they were still in diapers and didn’t really know the concept of friendship. They’d traded milk bottles, toys and candies, and, somehow, managed to stick together throughout the years. Or, as Baekhyun always likes to say, Jongin stuck with him throughout the years because he just likes Baekhyun so much. A smile always makes its way to Baekhyun’s face when he thinks about this. Because it’s something that Jongin has never denied either.
As they grew older, their friendship consisted mostly of Jongin nagging Baekhyun to treat him to food or movies or to buy him this cool comic book, while Jongin made sure that no one touched Baekhyun in school or even so much as gave him an evil eye. Because, while Baekhyun was older, he was also much smaller than Jongin. Baekhyun is also kind of pretty and so people tend to tease him or want to manhandle him.
Baekhyun’s pretty much used to Jongin asking something and him giving it. It’s something that he does without thinking because he knows that if he asks something of Jongin, he’d gladly do the same for him. But he never really asks for anything because there really isn’t anything more from Jongin he can ever want aside from Jongin being himself and being his friend.
“That’s the lie that you always tell yourself, Baekhyun,” he hears Chanyeol’s constant argument to him when Jongin is brought up when they’re talking.
It’s not that Baekhyun is lying to himself. He really doesn’t expect much from Jongin except for his friendship. Because he knows that it’s all Jongin can give him. Why ask for something you know can’t be given to you? And so he spares himself the disappointment and heartache and never asks for anything more.
“Aren’t you tired of just giving and giving and never getting anything in return?” is another question that Chanyeol constantly asks him. “You can’t just say yes to everything he asks from you.”
Baekhyun smiles to himself as he unlocks his apartment. If there’s something he can’t do, it’s saying no to Jongin. Although, sometimes, he just might agree with Chanyeol.
Jongin is standing in the middle of the living area, staring at an envelope in his hand, when Baekhyun walks in. He removes his shoes and shrugs his coat off to hang it on the rack and slowly approaches him. Jongin only looks up when Baekhyun is close enough.
“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun asks. He knows that the answer to this question is mostly no, but he always asks because maybe, one day, the answer will sincerely be yes.
Jongin takes a deep breath as his eyes fall on the envelope once more. “Kyungsoo and I booked our honeymoon way before we even picked a venue for our wedding,” he speaks as if reminding himself. He scoffs. “I’ve completely forgotten about this,” he smiles wryly at Baekhyun. “It’s a Europe trip.”
The Europe trip that Jongin kept on talking about all the time right after they’d booked it. Jongin’s always wanted to go to Europe and having made plans to go there with the person he cared about the most made it all the more exciting. London, Italy, Paris. Baekhyun takes a deep breath. He knows their itinerary well because he was the one who’d helped Jongin create it.
“You should still go. I mean, everything’s already paid for anyway,” Baekhyun suggests. It was probably best for Jongin to get away, to clear his mind at a place where he won’t be reminded so much about Kyungsoo every second of the day. “I’m sure your boss can let you off.”
“I have already filed my leave,” Jongin seems to be thinking about it. But there’s a crease in between his brows and Baekhyun knows he’s trying very hard not to be emotional about the whole thing.
“There you go then,” Baekhyun says. He gently takes the envelope from Jongin’s hand and places it back on the table. “C’mon. The guys are probably waiting for us. You should go get ready.”
Baekhyun’s halfway to his room when Jongin calls out, “There are two tickets.”
Baekhyun freezes and he slowly turns back to face him again. His eyes move towards the envelope on the table, feeling his chest crushing his heart as it constricts. Even before he looks up, even before Jongin opens his mouth to speak, he already knows what’s coming to him.
He starts shaking his head. “Jongin, I don’t think-”
“It’s just for a couple of weeks,” Jongin cuts him off desperately. “I’m sure you can get off work.”
“It’s a whole month, Jongin,” Baekhyun reasons, trying to swallow the big lump that has placed itself at the base of his throat. “I can’t just take a sudden vacation. I can’t just leave.”
“But the ticket’s already there and I know you have your passport ready,” Jongin insists, taking a couple of strides across the room before he’s standing right in front of Baekhyun, hands on his shoulders. “Besides, it’s Europe. You’ve always wanted to go to Europe. This is your chance.”
“But I-“ Baekhyun finds himself out of counter options.
“Please, Baek,” Jongin whispers frantically. “I know I need to get away, but maybe it’s better if you go with me. That way I can still find my way even if I get lost. You know how lost I can get.”
Baekhyun meets his eyes. He can’t help but think that Jongin isn’t just talking about getting lost in Europe. But he doesn’t allow himself to dig deeper. Instead, he nods.
“Okay,” he softly gives in. “Only because it’s Europe.”
Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut as Jongin hugs him tightly. He hopes he won’t come to regret this.
-
“When were you going to tell me that you were going on a little trip?” Chanyeol asks Baekhyun as his forkful of pasta is halfway to his mouth.
Baekhyun swallows and puts his fork down, suddenly feeling like he’s lost his appetite. He glances out of the window of the restaurant and sees people rushing to and fro, having places to go, things to do. He wonders just how complicated their lives are compared to his.
“How did you find out?” Baekhyun takes a deep breath as he meets his gaze.
“Apparently Jongin mentioned it in passing to Jongdae,” Chanyeol explains, waving it off dismissively. He leans towards him, elbows on the table. “Baekhyun, I know you’re looking out for him and I know that you think this will help him because he says he needs you. But this is a bad idea.”
“I know that,” Baekhyun snaps and Chanyeol straightens up in surprise. He breathes deeply. “I know that going with him isn’t really going to be good for him,” he repeats in a calmer fashion. “He needs to be able to think and that would be easier for him if I’m not around. But he asked and I just… if you’d seen him… He’s so broken, Chanyeol,” he worriedly says as he meets Chanyeol’s furrowed brow. “I can’t just leave him by himself. Especially somewhere as far away as Europe.”
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything as Baekhyun resumes eating his pasta. As soon as he’d agreed to go on the trip, Jongin took out the list of things that they needed to pack, a list that Baekhyun had made. Jongin was actually excited. He had smiled like he hadn’t been doing for the past two weeks after the wedding and Baekhyun really didn’t have the heart to rain on his parade.
“When I said that it was a bad idea, I didn’t mean for Jongin,” Chanyeol starts speaking again, shaking his head when Baekhyun starts to interrupt. “I meant for you.”
Baekhyun looks down at his half-eaten food. “Chanyeol, please,” he entreats in a rasped voice.
“You know I’m right,” Chanyeol maintains. “This…friendship that you have with Jongin has been destroying you for years.”
“I’m fine,” Baekhyun insists, still not meeting his eyes.
“If you go on this trip, you’re just going to hurt yourself even more,” Chanyeol continues adamantly. “And you’re going to find out, yet again, that you’re in love with someone who will never see you the way you see him-“
Baekhyun slams his hand on the table. Chanyeol leans back on his seat just as other patrons curiously glance their way. He and Chanyeol had been friends for years, meeting in several university classes as Chanyeol was taking up engineering. Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol had always known about his feelings for his best friend. But never had he so candidly spoken about it the way he is doing now. And never has the truth hurt so much.
“I know all those things,” Baekhyun starts to speak in slow and measured tones, clenching his hand on the table into a tight fist. “You don’t have to be worried about me or my feelings and remind me about them. I’m not stupid.”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol tries to interrupt.
“I’m going on this trip with him because he asked me to,” Baekhyun goes on like Chanyeol hasn’t spoken. “I’m going because I’m his best friend first and foremost. That’s a priority above and beyond any sort of feelings I may have for him.”
“You’re just going to get hurt,” Chanyeol looks truly concerned and Baekhyun knows that he’s reminded of all those times Baekhyun has broken down and cried because a one-sided love was just too painful to go through.
“I know,” Baekhyun agrees resignedly. He clasps his hands together and takes a deep breath because he does understand what Chanyeol is telling him. Many stupid things have been done for love, but hurting one’s self because of it should never be one of them. But he’s been Jongin’s best friend for so long that he can’t just stop the friendship in a snap of a finger. “I know,” he repeats.
Chanyeol reaches out across the table and puts both his hands on top of Baekhyun’s clasped ones. “Will you call when it becomes too much?” he asks.
Baekhyun forces a smile as he turns his hand upside down to hold Chanyeol’s instead.
-
It’s the night before their flight and Baekhyun is doing some last minute packing, going through everything and making sure they’re bringing everything that they need. The doorbell rings and Baekhyun straightens up and pads through the apartment in his socks to open the door.
“Hi,” Junmyeon greets.
“Hey,” Baekhyun returns the greeting, surprised, letting him in.
“Just wondering if you wanted some help with any last minute thing,” Junmyeon offers, following Baekhyun into the apartment and watching as he takes out a couple of too big shirts out of one of the luggage. “I’m guessing that’s Jongin unpacking unnecessarily again.”
“If by unnecessary, you mean a teddy bear and a case of beer, then yes,” Baekhyun shares with an eye roll. “I think he’s scared that beer would be too expensive in Europe.”
“And the bear…?” Junmyeon’s brows are furrowed.
Baekhyun laughs. “It’s a gift from his parents when he was younger. He likes having it around wherever he is,” he explains. He puts the bear in another luggage and zips up the other one. “I’m surprised you managed to get time away from work to come visit,” he continues.
“I won’t be able to see you off tomorrow so I figured…” Junmyeon shrugs then looks around. “Where’s Jongin?”
“Bought some snacks for the plane,” Baekhyun says, walking back into the bedroom to get his bag where their passports and tickets are. “And you don’t have to see us off, you know. Chanyeol’s just being overly fussy about the whole thing.”
Chanyeol has never stopped giving him warnings and pep talks about the trip, telling him again and again how things can horribly go wrong and how he could end up crying and regretting ever going with Jongin. And, while Baekhyun hears him out, he also just takes it for what it is and ignores him. Sometimes, though, he pats Chanyeol’s cheek in affection, to which Chanyeol swats his hand away and scowls.
Junmyeon lets out a breath and stuffs his hands in his slacks pocket. “I want to,” he decisively states. “Baekhyun, there’s something I want to tell you.”
“What is it?” Baekhyun asks distractedly as he sorts through some paperwork.
Junmyeon approaches him, empties Baekhyun’s hands and places his own on his arms. “Baekhyun,” he repeats and Baekhyun finally looks at him. “There’s something I want to-“ He clears his throat. “I think you can do better.”
“Sorry, what are you-I don’t understand,” Baekhyun says, his eyes curiously tracing Junmyeon’s face. “Junmyeon?” he presses when he doesn’t respond.
“I think you shouldn’t go on this trip,” Junmyeon clarifies, taking a deep breath.
“What?” Baekhyun manages to chuckle despite his perplexity.
“I think it’s unfair for you because you’re Jongin’s best friend,” Junmyeon rambles, “and he should know better than to ask you for anything like this because if he knew better, if he knew you at all then he wouldn’t because he understands and-“
Baekhyun places a hand on Junmyeon’s chest and stops him. “Wait, where is this coming from?” he asks.
This is the first time he’s hearing anything of this sort coming from Junmyeon, who’s normally so calm and genial. He’s always been a good friend, but was never really the type to meddle into anything in his personal life. He didn’t even know that Junmyeon knew about his feelings for Jongin.
“You deserve better, Baekhyun, I wish you would see that,” Junmyeon practically pleads.
“I’m not sure I follow,” Baekhyun lies. Because even if his feelings for Jongin may be written on his face, he’d rather not say them out loud.
“You’re in love with him,” Junmyeon spells out. “You’re in love with someone who’s in love with someone else, who’s always been in love with someone else, who-“
“Stop,” Baekhyun says, pushing him back. He takes a couple of steps away from and takes a couple of deep breaths. This strangely feels like déjà vu, except this time it’s with someone whom he’s never ever talked to about Jongin, someone from the outside. It just means that he doesn’t have a grasp on this whole situation as well as he thought he did.
“He was getting married to Kyungsoo,” Junmyeon goes on. He reaches out and grasps Baekhyun’s arms again, much tighter this time. “He was getting married-“
“Stop. It,” Baekhyun repeats, this time in a much lower voice. He allows Chanyeol to speak to him like this because Chanyeol’s been his friend much longer and he’s someone he actually whines to about his feelings. But Junmyeon, as much as he is a friend, has no right to speak to him like this. He pushes Junmyeon back harder. “You don’t know what you’re-“
“But I do know, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon interrupts Baekhyun, who just becomes even more infuriated. “I do know.”
And before Baekhyun can react, Junmyeon’s pressing him against a wall, lips on his.
-
Baekhyun isn’t sure why he ever thought that Jongin pushing through with his “honeymoon” and going with him was ever a good idea. Maybe because he really thought that it would help Jongin get out of the rut, that being in another country, another continent, would make him feel, even the slightest bit, better, that it would make him see that things aren’t so bad, that life goes on. Baekhyun’s never felt so stupid and helpless in his entire life. Because, instead of all the things that Baekhyun had hoped Jongin would think and experience, Jongin has decided to further bury himself in desolation, European style.
Baekhyun bites his lip as he looks back to where Jongin is sprawled on the foot of the sofa, eyes bearing into the flashing pictures on the British television, hair greasy, face tear-streaked and beer on hand. It was a picture of utter despair and one that Baekhyun can’t bear to witness at the moment. He closes the door behind him and walks down the hallway to the hotel elevators.
As he walks down street, the street lamps lighting the road in yellow, he takes his phone from his pocket and dials a number.
Chanyeol answers on the second ring.
“Hey,” Chanyeol greets. There the sound of some rustling sheets and Baekhyun suddenly remembers the time difference. “I was wondering if you’d ever call.”
“You could have called me,” Baekhyun points out. He sighs, thinking that maybe it was a bad idea to call Chanyeol at all. “I can call at another time.”
“Stop,” Chanyeol stifles a yawn. “You know I don’t care when you call, that I like it better when you call me because it means you’re actually talking and letting things out. But, just so you know, paying for international calls is not really my thing,” he reminds him with a chuckle and Baekhyun weakly echoes him. Chanyeol quiets and sighs. “Still no improvement?”
“I really don’t know why he had to come all the way to Europe just to continue wasting away,” is Baekhyun’s response.
“Is that really what you’re wondering about or are you really wondering why you ever agreed to go with him?” Chanyeol returns.
“Can’t I wonder about both?” Baekhyun replies, taking a seat on the sidewalk. He looks up at the dark, cloudy sky, trying to catch the raindrops that were starting to make their way down with his free hand.
There was a similar night like this just a couple of years ago. Baekhyun’s boyfriend had just dumped him and he decided that drowning himself with beer and rain was a good idea. He had just started to think that singing depressing love songs was a good idea when Jongin had suddenly materialized beside him, beer in hand as well.
Baekhyun remembers Jongin quietly humming along, his arm around his shoulders, making him rest his head on his. After a while, when Baekhyun had stopped singing, Jongin started humming happier songs in an effort to make him laugh, which it did. By the end of the night, Baekhyun was laughing because there was really nothing funnier than Jongin singing.
It’s the small things like these that always have Baekhyun coming back to Jongin. No matter how much being in love with him hurt, Jongin still always manages to make him feel better when he needs him the most. Jongin may be oblivious to his feelings, but he’s always been a good best friend, and Baekhyun can’t say he doesn’t appreciate his efforts in that regard. Sometimes, though, he still wonders how he can go on pretending that he doesn’t care that Jongin doesn’t even notice the glaring detail of him being in love with him.
Chanyeol sighs through his yawn. “You already know how I feel about you and him,” he finally says. “But you’re already there and there’s no point in crying over something you have no control of. Unless, you want to come home?”
“No,” is Baekhyun’s immediate answer. He’s never abandoned Jongin before and he’s not going to start now. “I can’t. I’ll…” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll talk to him.”
“About Junmyeon, I-,” Chanyeol starts, but Baekhyun interrupts him.
“Don’t,” Baekhyun says, taking a deep breath. He isn’t sure why he’s never noticed it before. But thinking about Junmyeon now just makes him feel guilty and reminds him how much unrequited love can be a bitch. “Things are complicated enough as it is.”
When Baekhyun returns to their hotel room, he finds the television still on, playing some classic romance movie, and Jongin splayed on the couch, head bent to the side, the bottles of beer he had finished scattered on the floor. He sighs as he closes the door behind him and proceeds to clean up the mess. He can’t really remember the last time Jongin got himself drunk like this. When he thinks about it, Jongin never got drunk like this; except for that one time when they had a weird argument about something that Baekhyun doesn’t even remember anymore back in freshman year.
“Jongin,” he gently prods him awake once he’s finished cleaning up the mess by the turned off television. “Hey.” Jongin merely groans and shifts in his position, which now means that his head is cradled on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “C’mon, Jongin. You can’t sleep on the couch.”
“Don’t care,” Jongin mumbles, rubbing his nose on Baekhyun’s neck.
Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a very deep breath. “Jongin, come on,” he insists, trying to haul him off the couch to no avail. “You reek of alcohol and you have to get dressed. You’re going to have such a bad hang over in the morning.”
Jongin doesn’t move. Baekhyun watches the rise and fall of his chest, his eyelashes splayed out on his cheeks, and thinks about how young he looks. Sometimes he forgets that Jongin is two years younger than him. In all their years of friendship, Jongin’s always acted like the older one, probably because he was way taller than him, thinking that it’s his job to protect him. Baekhyun thinks, though, that all it’s done is make him dependent on Jongin. He thinks he’s been set up for disappointment all his life.
“I’ve seriously had enough of this,” he continues in frustration.
He remembers telling Chanyeol that he’d talk to Jongin. But he’s a coward and can’t really tell Jongin any of his frustrations because he firmly believes that he doesn’t have any right to feel that way. He’s not supposed to be in love with his best friend, after all.
“If you won’t even bother taking care of yourself anymore, I won’t do it for you. I’m not…” Baekhyun blinks because sudden tears sting his eyes. “I’m not your babysitter. I’m your best friend and if you can’t-“ He cuts himself off as he places a blanket over Jongin. “I’m your best friend,” he repeats, watching as Jongin’s chest moves up and down with each slumbered breath. “I wish you’d make an effort to be mine, too. I’m here. In Europe. With you, because you asked me to, and I wish you’d try harder even though it’s painful, even though you feel like you’d rather die. Just… I wish I don’t have to tell you these things for you to understand how I feel.” He takes a deep breath and swipes at the tear that slid down his cheek. “I wish you knew me like I knew you, Jongin. I wish you understood that I-“ Shaking his head, he stands up and decides to let that thought go unfinished.
As he slides under the bed covers, he tries to find Jongin in the darkness of the room. He lies down on the bed and closes his eyes when he couldn’t see him.
-
Baekhyun is in the middle of a dream-about what, he suddenly can’t remember anymore-when he feels a form of warmth pressing up against him, subsequently dragging him out of dreamland. He breathes in deeply and snuggles onto what seems like a muscular chest. There’s a tightening around his waist as he’s pulled closer to the warmth. Sighing in contentment, he gives in, humming in agreement. He smiles when lips are pressed onto his forehead, his eyes fluttering open.
It takes him five seconds to realize that he’s pressed against Jongin, their arms around each other and their legs tangled together.
Pushing Jongin off ungracefully, he sits up and takes in the state that they’re in. It seems Jongin had made his way into the bed somewhere in the middle of the night. He vaguely remembers shifting his position on the bed the night before and thinks back in horror how he welcomingly pulled in the cozy presence towards himself.
To his left, Jongin groans. “It’s too early in the morning to be over thinking about things,” he announces, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his left hand.
“You were-“ Baekhyun lamely points at the couch.
“Yeah,” Jongin explains with a yawn. “I was getting up to go to the bathroom when I saw you shivering and I couldn’t leave you cold, you know? You always get cold so easily.”
Baekhyun blushes. “Thanks,” he clears his throat and moves to get out of the bed. He starts walking away from the bed towards the bathroom when he turns back and leans forward to place the blanket back on Jongin. “You should go back to bed. I’ll be out of here in no time.”
Because that’s become their routine. Jongin sleeps in, Baekhyun places a glass of water and some medicine on the bedside table to help with his hangover, writes a note to remind Jongin to order in and actually take in some food, and then leaves to go sightseeing.
Baekhyun’s halfway towards the bathroom, clothes and utilities in hand when Jongin asks, “Aren’t you taking me with you?”
“I’m pretty sure you’re still half drunk,” Baekhyun answers evenly. “You should just go back to bed and get some rest. Besides, it’s our last day in London. We can just have dinner out when I get back if you really want to go out.”
Jongin sits up and shakes his head. “I’ve taken care of that hangover,” he explains. “I’ve taken the medicine and have actually showered already. I can just dress up and be ready to go in a couple of minutes.”
Baekhyun takes a couple of skeptical steps towards him and breathes in deeply when he’s close enough to smell Jongin’s scent. He doesn’t smell like alcohol and when he looks at him, he doesn’t look like he’s about to keel over any moment. Jongin grins at him when their eyes meet.
“Do I pass?” Jongin asks, still smiling.
“I’ll just shower,” Baekhyun replies instead and locks himself in the bathroom.
Later on, as they stroll down Piccadilly Street, Jongin takes Baekhyun’s hand in his and squeezes it. Baekhyun squeezes back.
-
Germany is definitely a lot more different than London. Aside from the fact that it’s a whole other country with a diverse culture and customs, it’s a deviation from their original itinerary. They were supposed to go to Italy next, but, on a whim, Jongin suggested that they stop by Germany since it’s on the way to Italy anyway. And Baekhyun, seeing Jongin suddenly so alive and excited for the first time since the wedding, gave in and allowed the side trip to Germany.
Jongin purses his lips as he studies the map before he looks up at a seemingly random direction. “I think our hotel is this way,” he points to his left side and turns back to the map again.
“Are you sure?” Baekhyun asks, slightly stressed because the last thing he wants to happen to them is to get lost. He doesn’t like the feeling, which is why he meticulously planned their itineraries in London, Italy and Paris. He doesn’t like not knowing where he is and how to get to and away from a certain place. “Maybe we should-“
“Relax,” Jongin assures him, taking his wrist and leading him away from the street corner where the cab had dropped them off. For some reason unknown to Baekhyun, Jongin managed to bungle the directions to their hotel. “We’ll be fine.”
The last time Jongin had used the word fine in a sentence, he practically trashed their suite in London. Baekhyun had asked if he was going to be okay by himself on their first day and Jongin answered that he was going to be fine. When Baekhyun returned, if he hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought that Jongin threw a party.
After an hour of circling the same block, because Jongin can’t read a map to save his life (and didn’t want Baekhyun to do anything but “relax”), they finally found their hotel. Baekhyun flops down on the bed as Jongin rummages around with his luggage for something. After this carries on for more than a couple of minutes, he sits up and watches him.
“What are you looking for?” Baekhyun asks curiously.
“Just some stuff,” Jongin vaguely answers.
“Would those stuff happen to be the papers you had lying around the floor yesterday?” Baekhyun carefully asks. Jongin looks up at him hopefully and Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “They’re folded in the inner side pocket of your luggage.”
Jongin fishes them out and beams when he finds them. “Thank you,” he practically sighs out in relief. He takes a step forward and presses a kiss to Baekhyun’s forehead. Taking his phone out, he grabs his backpack and walks towards the door. “I’ll be right back. You stay here and… rest.” With a wink, he’s out of the room.
Baekhyun just stares at him. His forehead is still tingling where Jongin’s lips have touched him.
-
Berlin is famous for its music and nightlife, which is why when Jongin brings Baekhyun to one of the clubbing districts he really isn’t surprised. And even though clubbing isn’t really his thing (more of Jongin’s because he’s into dancing), he just tightens his hand on his because he doesn’t really want to get lost in this sea of people. That, and because he didn’t really pay attention to where streets and corners that the cab had passed because Jongin said he’s in charge of the Germany leg of their trip.
As Jongin moves to the beat of the music in the middle of the dance floor, Baekhyun sits back and just watches.
He likes watching Jongin dance because it’s something that Jongin’s always had for himself, something he knows Jongin doesn’t have to share with anyone else, and something that he can lose himself in.
Then again, Jongin always seems to lose himself in the things he likes and forgets everything else.
Because, somewhere in between the King Kong Club, Weekend and the Kaffee Burger, Baekhyun finds himself alone. And, although it hurts, it really shouldn’t have surprised him anymore.
-
As the sun’s rays are just starting to peek through the hotel curtains, Baekhyun feels Jongin stealthily slide into bed. He squeezes his eyes shut and pretends that he hadn’t been awake all this time, waiting for him to get back.
Jongin wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him back towards him, his breath ghosting the back of Baekhyun’s neck. Baekhyun tries to breathe evenly to keep up the pretense of being asleep because he really can’t deal with Jongin at the moment. He can’t deal with the ache in his heart that just keeps on growing and growing because he continuously lies to himself that nothing is wrong.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin whispers to his neck. There’s a pause and a deep breath. “I am your best friend, Baek. I see you,” he continues. Baekhyun uncontrollably stiffens and Jongin knowingly tightens his arm around him. “And I’m trying. Just… I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
Baekhyun bites his tongue, forcing himself not to retort back. He knows it will happen again. Because Jongin still doesn’t understand. There’s so much he doesn’t understand and doesn’t see. Jongin is just apologizing for all the wrong reasons and it just makes his heart ache even more.
-
Still, Jongin is trying so Baekhyun gives him credit for that. Now that he knows that his frustrated tirade didn’t really fall on deaf ears, or sleeping ones for that matter, he appreciates that Jongin created this whole Germany trip just for him.
“Wait, so you’re in Germany right now?” Chanyeol’s surprise seeps through the phone line and makes Baekhyun chuckle.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun answers as he watches Jongin industriously scrub off the wine stain on his white shirt. “Just for a couple of days then we go back to the original itinerary.”
“So he just woke up one morning, decided to be sober and played tour guide for you. In Germany,” Chanyeol paraphrases.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun hesitates. “I kind of said something and I guess he listened even if he wasn’t meant to really hear it.” He raises his eyebrows in amusement when Jongin grumbles really loudly and furrows his eyebrows at the purplish stain.
“You talked to him, but you didn’t mean for him to hear it…?” Chanyeol repeats, sounding confused.
“Oh, he was drunk and I just…” Baekhyun sighs. “He took me to dinner earlier. It’s this very interesting place where the whole restaurant’s dark and they teach you how to actually find your food so you can eat and-“ He sighs again. “Chanyeol, Jongin’s never ever taken me to a fancy dinner before.”
“That sure sounds fancy,” Chanyeol comments with a chuckle. “I mean, you couldn’t see anything. Did you guys knock over anything?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun distractedly responds. “Jongin spilled wine on himself. Chanyeol, I just-“
“He just broke up with Kyungsoo, Baek,” Chanyeol cuts him off. “If you can even call that a break-up. That was more like the ending of a future. I’m sorry to tell you like this, but you can’t let this get your hopes up. You’re on his honeymoon.”
“You’re right,” Baekhyun averts his eyes when Jongin looks up at him and smiles. “You’re right. I’m being stupid.”
“You’re not,” Chanyeol corrects him adamantly. “You’re just… you’re just in love.”
Baekhyun thinks that being in love and being stupid can go hand-in-hand but he doesn’t tell Chanyeol that. Instead, he takes another deep breath and asks something that’s been nagging at him since the start of their vacation.
“How’s--how’s Junmyeon?” He says it so quickly that he imagines Chanyeol trying to figure out what he’s just said before managing an answer.
“How do you think he is?” Chanyeol returns, and Baekhyun can hear the cautiousness in his voice.
Baekhyun steps out of the washroom and leans his back against the wall. He closes his eyes. He knows exactly just how Junmyeon is feeling. What he can get past is the fact that he’s done exactly what Jongin’s been doing all these years. He never noticed because he was busy looking elsewhere, and he really hated himself for that. Maybe he gets just as lost into the things he likes just as much as Jongin does.
“Don’t blame yourself,” Chanyeol speaks when Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. “It’s not your fault. There are some things that just aren’t...” He trails off and clears his throat.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun whispers. He looks up when Jongin comes out, stain still overtly present on his shirt. “Hey,” he tells Chanyeol. “I have to go.” He ends the call and pockets his phone. “I guess we’re buying you a new shirt,” he teases Jongin.
Baekhyun consoles himself with the idea that, at least, he now knows about Junmyeon’s feelings, has acknowledged it, and has let him down gently. He believes that being let down is better than waiting for something that might never even come.
-
Part 2