counting stars on the ceiling [Suho/Chanyeol] (2/3)
counting stars on the ceiling
EXO | Suho/Chanyeol | PG-13 | 12,450w
Angst, Romance, Friendship
The emotions he’s been holding back for so long are brimming at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass.
part 1
counting stars on the ceiling part 2
-
“I hear you’re the resident Mandarin tutor around here,” Chanyeol says as he sits across from him, putting his books down on the desk.
“What?” Junmyeon’s laughter bubbles up out of him. “And where did you hear that?”
“Some of the Chinese trainees,” Chanyeol says, making a show of opening his book, grinning knowingly at him. “So will you teach me?”
“Did Wu Fan hyung put you up to this?” Junmyeon makes a face at him. Wu Fan is always teasing him about his Mandarin and how he’s gotten so good at it that he can actually strike up conversations with him and the other Chinese trainees. “Because I’m nowhere near as good at it as they are.”
“Do you just not like teaching me anything?” Chanyeol pouts. Junmyeon starts in surprise. “Because the other day I asked you to review the dance with me and you pushed me to Jongin instead. Then when I wanted to run through vocals, you asked Kyungsoo to go to the studio with me.”
“I…” Junmyeon trails away because he realizes that Chanyeol is right.
When he meets Chanyeol’s eyes, Chanyeol is staring intently at him and makes Junmyeon swallow heavily. There are times when Chanyeol looks at him and he thinks that he can see right through him, right through his eyes, right through his heart, and right through his smile. A fear always grips him because he knows that he’s treading on a dangerous line.
Suddenly, Chanyeol stands up, moves around the table and grabs Junmyeon’s hand. Chanyeol takes Junmyeon up the many flights of stairs and Junmyeon is fascinated by how Chanyeol’s hand, slightly rougher than his own, fits perfectly with his. He’s held hands with a lot of people, but none of those times came close to how he feels with Chanyeol’s hand clasped with his own.
When Junmyeon finally looks around, he finds that they’re at the rooftop once more. It’s grown to be their favorite hideaway because Chanyeol likes to feel even taller than he already is and because Junmyeon likes looking at the night sky.
“What are we doing here?” Junmyeon asks him, baffled. “I thought I was going to tutor you in Mandarin?”
“Were you really going to tutor me?” Chanyeol asks back, eyebrows raised knowingly. “Or were you just going to tell Yixing hyung to tutor me instead?” Junmyeon opens his mouth then closes them again because that’s exactly what he’d intended on doing. “See, this is what I’m talking about,” Chanyeol says, exasperation evident in his voice.
Junmyeon blinks. “What?”
“This,” Chanyeol repeats complete with arm gesture. “You never feeling you’re good enough.”
Junmyeon scrunches up his nose. “Is this about Mandarin? Because, really, Yixing is better at Chinese than me. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s actually Chinese,” he explains, confused.
“But you’re good at Mandarin,” Chanyeol insists and he shakes his head when Junmyeon opens his mouth to retort. “Just like you’re good at dancing and singing and speaking in public and thinking on your toes and making jokes…” He takes a deep breath. “You’re good, hyung. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”
Junmyeon blinks again because there are tears pricking his eyes and he’s pretty sure they’re going to start falling on his cheeks if he doesn’t get them in control. Chanyeol thinks he’s good at things. In all his years, training and even just growing up in general, no one’s ever really told him outright that he was good at what he was doing. He has always been the average kid, always being overtaken by others who were better.
“Chanyeol, I…” But he’s really not sure what he can say.
“Hyung,” Chanyeol says, reaching for his wrist and pulling him towards the balcony. He stretches out his right arm and points at the sky. “Do you see that star?” He looks back at Junmyeon, who is looking up at the sky. “That’s who you are. Sometimes I think that you shine so bright that you can’t even see how wonderful you are anymore.”
Junmyeon clears his throat and shakes his head. “You’re silly,” he says in a rasped voice full of emotion.
Chanyeol faces him and lightly traces the lines of Junmyeon’s face with his fingertips. “You’re always looking out for others, always making sure that everyone else is okay,” he whispers. “Why can’t you look at yourself for once and take care of yourself and see that you’re enough.”
There’s a strange sensation coursing through Junmyeon and he feels like he’s about to burst. His eyes slightly widen when Chanyeol leans his face closer to his. For a moment, he imagines what it would feel like to have Chanyeol’s lips on his. He’s pretty sure it would be wonderful because Chanyeol’s lips are pink and plump and he seems like he’d be a good kisser. But even if he isn’t… it’s Chanyeol, and just that fact alone makes him think that it’ll be amazing.
Still, Junmyeon takes a step back. Because he thinks about Suho and EXO and the company, and he’s reminded that there are certain lines that he cannot cross even when he’s practically about to tip over it. He chuckles through his fast beating heart and playfully pushes Chanyeol as if Chanyeol was joking about wanting to kiss him. Chanyeol laughs nervously, shifts uncomfortably in his stance.
When Chanyeol has gone, Junmyeon leans against the railing. He closes his eyes, hangs his head and takes deep breaths.
It’s all he can do to stop himself from crying.
-
They’re in one of the company’s meeting rooms. Jongin and Sehun are giggling like middle school girls over something in Sehun’s iPad, Baekhyun is sharing earphones with Kyungsoo, probably listening to the songs on their new album, Chanyeol’s sitting by the window lost in thought, and Junmyeon’s just sitting by the table. They’re all waiting for their manager, who says he has an announcement.
Everyone seems to be in a good mood, Junmyeon observes. Each of the members have been pretty much on edge with their comeback looming so close, and their packed schedules really didn’t help with the nerves. Jongin, being the one who seems to be under most pressure, kept on cracking, until he and Sehun almost went at it with each other, fists clenched and teeth bared. It had taken Chanyeol, Wu Fan, Minseok and even Tao to stop the two of them.
Meanwhile, Junmyeon had watched in the sidelines because he was far too delicate to be involved in a fight, Baekhyun had teased him.
Junmyeon rubs his cheek and leans back on the seat, closing his eyes. Sometimes, which happens far too often these days, he wonders if he’s really cut out for this job, for this dream that he thought he’s always wanted. So many things had happened since his trainee days that he’s confused, almost lost, as to what he really wants anymore. It feels like rejection after rejection has been coming at him that he’s learned to tuck his deepest desires at the back of his heart, where it’s never seen by anyone. And, slowly, these desires, have begun to eat away at his heart, until, he’s afraid, that nothing will be left.
Loud laughter rings in his ears and he opens his eyes. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Sehun and Jongin are all laughing at something. A small smile works itself to Junmyeon’s lips because seeing his members so happy and relaxed after being stressed for days on end makes him contented. When he lifts his eyes towards Chanyeol, wondering whether their rapper was laughing, too, he finds Chanyeol watching him. Their eyes meet and for a moment Junmyeon thinks that Chanyeol knows exactly what he’s thinking. But he doesn’t really get the chance to analyze further because their manager walks in at that moment, calling them all to attention.
They’re being allowed to have mini vacations. Finally. Jongin stands up and jumps around, already calling his mom, while Sehun’s hands are already typing a swift message on his own phone. Baekhyun’s beaming, while Kyungsoo’s looking at everyone in his own wide-eyed expression of joy. Even Chanyeol’s trademark blinding beam is back.
After the announcement, the members file out of the room, leaving Junmyeon with the manager. The manager sighs as he sees him lingering behind.
“Junmyeon,” the manager begins but Junmyeon merely shakes his head. The manager sighs once more then pats his shoulder before heading out himself.
Junmyeon stands in the middle of the room by himself. As he looks around, he realizes that it’s the same room everyone had gathered in when their debut was announced. He remembers Lu Han grabbing Yixing’s and Sehun’s hands in his in shock, remembers Jongdae turning around to hide his tears, while Tao cried unabashedly, remembers how Wu Fan put an arm around Minseok, who had then been whispering silent screams in Kyungsoo’s ear, remembers how Jongin moved around in a mixture of excitement and disbelief as Baekhyun tried to calm him down while he was wringing his hands in astonishment. He even remembers Chanyeol, who hugged him so tight when the announcement was done, when everyone had gone out to celebrate. Even if there are things he’d rather forget about that day, he can’t forget the way Chanyeol had whispered happiness in his ears, happiness in the fact that they were debuting together.
“It seems so long ago, doesn’t it,” Chanyeol’s voice startles him. He whips around and watches as Chanyeol reenters the room, hands in his pockets. “And yet, it’s only been a year.”
Junmyeon watches as Chanyeol reaches the table and places his hands on its edge before meeting his eyes. He and Chanyeol are rarely ever alone anymore. It’s been a conscious effort on Junmyeon’s end in the beginning but, after a while, they just never ended up by themselves. It makes Junmyeon wonder whether Chanyeol’s caught on and has started to make this effort as well.
“So much has happened in that year,” Junmyeon acknowledges with a smile.
Chanyeol pauses, seemingly contemplating his response. He then shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “You’re not going to see your family,” he finally says. The way he says it makes Junmyeon feel like he’s done something wrong.
“There’s so much I have to catch up on,” Junmyeon starts to explain.
“You’re never going to go for what you really want, are you?” Chanyeol raises his eyebrows in a challenge.
“Singing is my dream, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon calmly responds to his accusation. “There are sacrifices I need to make in order to achieve to get better at it.”
“So you’re saying that this isn’t big enough of a dream for us since we’re not sacrificing family time?” Chanyeol snaps.
“That’s not what I-“
“You’re sacrificing the wrong things, hyung,” Chanyeol interrupts harshly. “People are the most important things in a person’s life, relationships. When you sacrifice relationships, you’re not the only one who gets hurt. You don’t just-” He stops himself when he realizes he’s said too much.
There’s a pause, two, three. Junmyeon feels like his heart is going to burst because he’s brought back to that time when he thinks he chose all the wrong things. Chanyeol is standing in front of him, like all those other times, but Junmyeon believes that it’s too late to go back. Because no one waits for something that’s never going to come.
“Chanyeol?” Junmyeon carefully presses.
Chanyeol looks straight into his eyes. “Hyung, I just wish that you’d allow yourself to get the things that you want,” he says, “because you deserve them, too. Everyone deserves to be happy.”
Junmyeon bites his lip, trying to shove back some emotion he’s long held back.
-
“You’re chipper today,” Lu Han comments at a bouncy Junmyeon.
“He’s chipper everyday,” Wu Fan corrects him.
“Not like this,” Lu Han shakes his head, watching Junmyeon suspiciously. “What’s going on?”
Junmyeon shakes his head, his dark hair falling on his eyes. He brushes them back. “Nothing,” he denies, chuckling nervously. “Just… have you seen Chanyeol?” He cranes his neck to check if his tall friend was with the group of approaching trainees.
Knowing smiles immediately make their way on Lu Han’s and Wu Fan’s faces and Junmyeon embarrassingly feels himself blush.
“Oh… Chanyeol,” Lu Han teases him readily. “Are you finally going to confess?” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down and Wu Fan shoves him.
“I think he went to the next practice room,” Wu Fan tells him with an encouraging pat on the back.
“HWAITING!” Lu Han yells after him. Junmyeon turns back to make a face at Lu Han and then he’s almost sprinting to the other room.
He does a slow count to 10, taking a deep breath with each number in an effort to make himself calm. It’s one of those moments where he gets a sudden rush of bravery and he thinks that there’s no better way to spend it than telling Chanyeol that he’d made a mistake walking away from him that time on the rooftop. With a plan in mind, he quietly pushes the door open, and he’s about to step in when he hears someone talking.
“Chanyeol, what do you think you’re doing?” The voice is hushed and hurried.
“There’s nothing wrong with-“ It’s Chanyeol.
Junmyeon takes a step back, realizing that he’s intruding on a private conversation.
“Everything about it is wrong! You should know better! And, of all people, why Junmyeon?” It startles Junmyeon to hear his name. He frowns and listens further. “He’s not good for anything. He’s just going to drag you down.”
“Hey, we’re debuting together,” Chanyeol defends him. “And he’s good at a lot of things.”
“You do realize they’re only making him debut because he’s been here too long, right?” Chanyeol doesn’t respond. “You know I’m right.” There’s a sigh. “Please do yourself a favor. Don’t start anything with him. It’s not worth it.”
“It’s not worth it,” Chanyeol whispers. “You’re right…”
Junmyeon takes a couple of steps back until his back hits the wall opposite the practice room door, not bothering to continue listening to the rest of their conversation. His breathing is ragged and there are tears on his cheeks. He can’t seem to forget those words. It’s not worth it. When he hears the door shake, he pushes himself off the wall and runs away from there.
He’s not worth it.
-
“What is this?” Junmyeon asks as he steps into the room he shares with Sehun.
Sehun is on top of a ladder, busy sticking something green on the ceiling as Kyungsoo and Jongin keep the ladder steady. Junmyeon can feel the beginnings of a headache as he starts to imagine what nonsense the two youngest members have concocted yet again.
“What are you doing?” Junmyeon tries again. Sometimes (a lot of the time?) the members do strange and weird things that have gotten them in trouble. He sincerely wishes that this weren’t one of those times.
“They’re glow-in-the-dark, hyung,” Jongin shares excitedly. “Chanyeol hyung and I found them at the mall this morning. He suggested that we buy some and stick them on our ceilings.” He gives a vague but wild gesture towards the expanse of white over their heads. “Isn’t it cool?”
Jongin is smiling so brightly, something he rarely sees anymore since they debuted, so Junmyeon indulges him. “So everyone’s rooms have glow-in-the-dark…” he scrunches up his nose. “…stars and planets on the ceiling?”
“Even the living room!” Sehun and Jongin chorus way too happily. Kyungsoo chuckles.
“The kitchen, too.”
Junmyeon turns around to find Chanyeol leaning against the doorway, arms crossed on his chest, a smile on his face. There’s something about that smile that makes Junmyeon’s breath hitch. It’s one of Chanyeol’s more subdued, but sweeter and more affectionate smiles, one that the fans sometimes catch when he’s looking at Baekhyun. There’s suddenly a sour taste in Junmyeon’s mouth, but he smiles at him before looking back at Jongin and Sehun, who’s now back on the ground, surveying his handiwork in awe.
“That ought to do it,” Sehun claps his hands. He, Kyungsoo and Jongin make their way out of the room, the ladder in their hands.
“Well, I hope you’ve cleared this up with manager-hyung,” Junmyeon starts to say as he follows them out into the living room. “Because if I have to explain another time to him how you two are growing boys and need to have their childhood with them, I’m going to have a migraine. A permanent one.”
“Aww, hyung,” Sehun teases him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “You don’t have to.” Chanyeol, still by the doorway, chuckles.
Junmyeon rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to do some retaliation when Jongin interrupts them.
“Let’s try it out!” Jongin excitedly declares, looking at Kyungsoo.
“But it’s daytime and we won’t be able to-“ Kyungsoo turns the lights off. “-Oh.”
The members have covered all the windows up with paper, and, with the curtains pulled down, the living room is almost too dark. He looks up and he sees what Sehun and Jongin with Kyungsoo had been working hard on. The planets and stars glow brightly down at them. He thinks the other members were downplayed the whole thing, because almost the whole ceiling was filled with them. He smiles in wonder. Suddenly, Junmyeon feels young again, younger and untainted by camera flashes and idol expectations.
He slowly makes his way to the sofa, still looking up at the ceiling and sits down, leaning back and resting his head on the headrest. There was a time when he was so much more fascinated with the stars and otherworldly bodies, like the planets revolving around the sun, how he’s just a speck in the bigger scheme of things, and he can’t help but think how he’d allowed himself to veer away from that kind of zeal and love.
“Nice, right?” Chanyeol takes a seat beside him, joining Junmyeon in stargazing.
“Mmm,” Junmyeon mumbles, feeling strangely tranquil that he doesn’t even register, and doesn’t feel nervous about the fact, that Chanyeol is sitting beside him, their arms touching. He vaguely hears a door closing. “I haven’t… it’s been so long…” He ends with a sigh, not quite sure what he wants to express.
“I know, hyung,” Chanyeol whispers. He closes his eyes for a second and breathes deeply, and then he’s leaning his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder.
Junmyeon immediately stiffens and he moves to get up to get away because he hasn’t been this close to Chanyeol since that time at the rooftop. But Chanyeol shifts his position on the couch so that both his arms are around Junmyeon, clamping him down.
“What are you doing?” Junmyeon breathes out, feeling as if his lungs have trapped air out. With each time he struggles in Chanyeol’s arms, his chest feels like it’s going to rupture with feelings that he’s always been praying to disappear.
But Chanyeol doesn’t let go. Instead, he straightens up and tugs Junmyeon towards him so that he’s hugging him. Junmyeon squeezes his eyes shut as Chanyeol presses his face to his neck. He’s biting his lower lip so hard because the emotions he’s been holding back for so long are brimming at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass. Tears are leaking from his closed eyes and he finds that he can’t do anything to stop his feelings from seeping out as well.
If he doesn’t get away from Chanyeol soon, he knows that he’s going to start sobbing and then Chanyeol will know. Chanyeol will know. And the thought horrifies him. Because it’s not worth it. So he struggles, raising his hands to Chanyeol’s chest to push him away so he can start running because he hasn’t been running from this for so long only for it to catch up to him and leave him defenseless.
“Why don’t you want me, hyung?” Chanyeol’s voice breaks as he tries to keep Junmyeon in his embrace. Junmyeon stops wrestling away from Chanyeol. “Why do you hate me?” he repeats and Junmyeon can almost hear his heart breaking.
“What are you talking about?” Junmyeon manages to find his voice. It doesn’t make sense for Chanyeol to be asking these questions, especially from him.
Chanyeol slowly lets go of him when he’s sure that Junmyeon is going to bolt. He leans back and stares at his lap, his fingers playing with the creases of his pants. “You’re always… you’re always pushing me away, always choosing to stand beside Kyungsoo or Jongin, even Sehun, sometimes Baekhyun hyung, never with me. You rarely stay alone in the same room with me; never talk to me unless I talk to you. You don’t even acknowledge me sometimes, like, like I’m repulsive and you’d rather-“
“Stop,” Junmyeon’s voice is hoarse.
“Hyung, I just want to understand,” Chanyeol pleads, leaning forward and grabbing Junmyeon’s hand tightly. “What did I do? Why do you hate me? We’re friends, aren’t we? We’ve been friends for a long time. We’ve had the same dreams and…” His words get caught up in his throat and he takes a shuddery breath. “I just don’t understand. Please make me understand so I can fix this.”
It takes everything in Junmyeon not to break into pieces in front of Chanyeol. Because everything that Chanyeol’s said, it’s like something taken out of his own mind because he’s always felt that things had changed since that night on the rooftop. He and Chanyeol were never the same and he knows that that’s his fault. But it doesn’t make sense for Chanyeol to be feeling like this. For him to insist and to almost beg for an explanation over something that Junmyeon didn’t think Chanyeol ever thought about… It’s almost as if… Junmyeon coughs loudly to physically dispel such thoughts. It’s not worth it.
“There’s nothing to fix,” Junmyeon tells him, eyes slowly meeting Chanyeol’s. “I don’t know what you think is wrong, but there’s nothing wrong. I don’t… I don’t hate you. I could…” Never. His heart is aching because of things that could have been but never will be, and for things that he wishes he could do, things he wishes he could give, not just to Chanyeol, but also to everyone in the group. “I don’t know what I did to make you misunderstand, but I try my best to treat you all the same way. You, Kyungsoo, Baek, Jongin, Sehun, even the rest of EXO. I try, but…” There’s only so much I can give when there is nothing left.
Chanyeol is watching him with wide eyes and Junmyeon squirms because he always feels like Chanyeol can always see right through him. So he chuckles and smiles in an attempt to lighten things up. That normally works because he’s been told that his smiles eases the tension and brightens up situations. But it doesn’t work this time because Chanyeol merely tilts his head to one side as if studying him.
“You’re running away from something.” It’s not a question. It’s a fact and Junmyeon wants to get up and walk away, maybe jump off a bridge because he’d rather do that than face this, than face Chanyeol and whatever this is.
“I’m not running away from anything,” and it hurts Junmyeon to say it because he’s never denied it out loud and doing so feels like he’s going against everything that he is. “I don’t know what you’re saying-“
“Don’t lie to me!” Chanyeol suddenly yells. Junmyeon shuts up, stiff and a bit scared. Chanyeol may have his deep voice and may seem off-hinged, but he never yells. Chanyeol takes a deep breath and shakes his head as if chiding himself for the outburst. “Of all the people you think you can lie to…” he begins again, looking straight into Junmyeon’s eyes. “I’m not one of them. I think I know you better than the others.”
“Well if you think you know me then why don’t you explain to me what you’re saying,” Junmyeon snaps because this is just too much for him, too much. “What exactly am I running away from-“
Junmyeon breath is taken away when Chanyeol presses his lips against his. It’s different from how he’s imagined it to be. Chanyeol’s lips are chapped and rough, his kisses adamant, almost forceful. Junmyeon tries to pull away, his hands on Chanyeol’s arms clenched, gripping the fabric of his shirt. But Chanyeol is insistent, snaking an arm around his waist, his other hand finding purchase on the back of his head, strands of his hair in between his fingers.
After a while, Junmyeon stops trying to push him away, and he falls into the kiss. Just like how he’s fallen for Chanyeol all those years ago. He moves even closer, shortening further whatever distance there was between them, his hands making their way to Chanyeol’s waist, some of his fingers slipping under the edge of his shirt.
Kissing Chanyeol is like taking a deep breath after being under water for a long time. There’s that sense of relief and greediness that accompanies it that Junmyeon thinks he can’t let go of this anymore no matter how hard he tries. Because once you’ve tasted respite, you wouldn’t want to go back to being under the rock anymore.
When they pull away, Chanyeol’s lips are red and swollen, his cheeks are flushed with a healthy pink, and his eyes are too bright. Junmyeon thinks that he probably looks the same, and this thought makes him lightheaded with joy.
“Hyung, I’m…” Chanyeol swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in uncertainty. “I don’t-I’m sorry.”
Junmyeon shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he says. “Be anything, but sorry.”
“But I-I didn’t think… I wasn’t sure if you wanted…” Chanyeol stammers.
“It didn’t stop you anyway,” Junmyeon responds, slightly teasingly. Chanyeol smiles and Junmyeon’s heart soars.
“I didn’t,” Chanyeol agrees. Hesitantly, he reaches out for Junmyeon, who gladly curls into him, resting his head on the crook of Chanyeol’s neck.
“So…” Junmyeon’s uncertainty is back. Because breathing deeply isn’t all you do once you’re out of the water, out of the darkness. What happens next is key. “What was that about?”
Chanyeol squeezes him tighter. “Hyung,” and Junmyeon kisses his throat that vibrates when he speaks, “I just want you to be happy. I want you to feel like it’s not wrong to want things. I wanted you to know that we’d do anything for you, that I’d do anything for you.”
Junmyeon frowns. Slowly, he pulls back and looks at Chanyeol. “What do you mean?”
“We’ve talked about this,” Chanyeol continues. “You’re always watching out for others without asking for anything in return. I’m telling you now that you can ask because whatever it is, you can have it because you deserve it.”
Junmyeon stiffens. Before Chanyeol can say anything or do something, Junmyeon is already on his feet. He takes a couple of steps away from the couch when Chanyeol stands up.
Junmyeon didn’t think that his heart could be any more broken than it already is. Apparently, it can. Pity and too much kindness can evidently crush a heart in its fist, not letting go until it’s nothing but ash. He’s known all along that some of the members felt pity for him because he’s that trainee who’s been around for too long, the mediocre trainee, the unfit leader, someone who talks more to their sunbaes because he doesn’t really belong with them. These are things that Junmyeon has always known other trainees thought about him, but he’s ignored them because Chanyeol continued to assure him that it didn’t matter because they know it isn’t true. But if Chanyeol pities him, too, if he thinks that things will be okay by showing him too much kindness, then Junmyeon thinks that maybe they’re all right. He really mustn’t be worth it.
“I have to go,” Junmyeon tells him in the steadiest voice he can muster.
“Junmyeon hyung,” Chanyeol takes a step forward but Junmyeon takes a couple of steps back more in return.
“Don’t,” Junmyeon begs him, shaking his head as he feels the tears finally streak down his face. The pain in his heart is too much and he doesn’t think he can hold it in any longer, not when he’s gotten his hopes up only to be trampled back down.
When he closes the door of their dorm behind him, he staggers out into the hallway. He can’t help but think how a broken heart can really kill someone. Because he really feels like he’s dying.
-
part 3
EXO | Suho/Chanyeol | PG-13 | 12,450w
Angst, Romance, Friendship
The emotions he’s been holding back for so long are brimming at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass.
part 1
counting stars on the ceiling part 2
-
“I hear you’re the resident Mandarin tutor around here,” Chanyeol says as he sits across from him, putting his books down on the desk.
“What?” Junmyeon’s laughter bubbles up out of him. “And where did you hear that?”
“Some of the Chinese trainees,” Chanyeol says, making a show of opening his book, grinning knowingly at him. “So will you teach me?”
“Did Wu Fan hyung put you up to this?” Junmyeon makes a face at him. Wu Fan is always teasing him about his Mandarin and how he’s gotten so good at it that he can actually strike up conversations with him and the other Chinese trainees. “Because I’m nowhere near as good at it as they are.”
“Do you just not like teaching me anything?” Chanyeol pouts. Junmyeon starts in surprise. “Because the other day I asked you to review the dance with me and you pushed me to Jongin instead. Then when I wanted to run through vocals, you asked Kyungsoo to go to the studio with me.”
“I…” Junmyeon trails away because he realizes that Chanyeol is right.
When he meets Chanyeol’s eyes, Chanyeol is staring intently at him and makes Junmyeon swallow heavily. There are times when Chanyeol looks at him and he thinks that he can see right through him, right through his eyes, right through his heart, and right through his smile. A fear always grips him because he knows that he’s treading on a dangerous line.
Suddenly, Chanyeol stands up, moves around the table and grabs Junmyeon’s hand. Chanyeol takes Junmyeon up the many flights of stairs and Junmyeon is fascinated by how Chanyeol’s hand, slightly rougher than his own, fits perfectly with his. He’s held hands with a lot of people, but none of those times came close to how he feels with Chanyeol’s hand clasped with his own.
When Junmyeon finally looks around, he finds that they’re at the rooftop once more. It’s grown to be their favorite hideaway because Chanyeol likes to feel even taller than he already is and because Junmyeon likes looking at the night sky.
“What are we doing here?” Junmyeon asks him, baffled. “I thought I was going to tutor you in Mandarin?”
“Were you really going to tutor me?” Chanyeol asks back, eyebrows raised knowingly. “Or were you just going to tell Yixing hyung to tutor me instead?” Junmyeon opens his mouth then closes them again because that’s exactly what he’d intended on doing. “See, this is what I’m talking about,” Chanyeol says, exasperation evident in his voice.
Junmyeon blinks. “What?”
“This,” Chanyeol repeats complete with arm gesture. “You never feeling you’re good enough.”
Junmyeon scrunches up his nose. “Is this about Mandarin? Because, really, Yixing is better at Chinese than me. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s actually Chinese,” he explains, confused.
“But you’re good at Mandarin,” Chanyeol insists and he shakes his head when Junmyeon opens his mouth to retort. “Just like you’re good at dancing and singing and speaking in public and thinking on your toes and making jokes…” He takes a deep breath. “You’re good, hyung. I don’t know why you can’t see that.”
Junmyeon blinks again because there are tears pricking his eyes and he’s pretty sure they’re going to start falling on his cheeks if he doesn’t get them in control. Chanyeol thinks he’s good at things. In all his years, training and even just growing up in general, no one’s ever really told him outright that he was good at what he was doing. He has always been the average kid, always being overtaken by others who were better.
“Chanyeol, I…” But he’s really not sure what he can say.
“Hyung,” Chanyeol says, reaching for his wrist and pulling him towards the balcony. He stretches out his right arm and points at the sky. “Do you see that star?” He looks back at Junmyeon, who is looking up at the sky. “That’s who you are. Sometimes I think that you shine so bright that you can’t even see how wonderful you are anymore.”
Junmyeon clears his throat and shakes his head. “You’re silly,” he says in a rasped voice full of emotion.
Chanyeol faces him and lightly traces the lines of Junmyeon’s face with his fingertips. “You’re always looking out for others, always making sure that everyone else is okay,” he whispers. “Why can’t you look at yourself for once and take care of yourself and see that you’re enough.”
There’s a strange sensation coursing through Junmyeon and he feels like he’s about to burst. His eyes slightly widen when Chanyeol leans his face closer to his. For a moment, he imagines what it would feel like to have Chanyeol’s lips on his. He’s pretty sure it would be wonderful because Chanyeol’s lips are pink and plump and he seems like he’d be a good kisser. But even if he isn’t… it’s Chanyeol, and just that fact alone makes him think that it’ll be amazing.
Still, Junmyeon takes a step back. Because he thinks about Suho and EXO and the company, and he’s reminded that there are certain lines that he cannot cross even when he’s practically about to tip over it. He chuckles through his fast beating heart and playfully pushes Chanyeol as if Chanyeol was joking about wanting to kiss him. Chanyeol laughs nervously, shifts uncomfortably in his stance.
When Chanyeol has gone, Junmyeon leans against the railing. He closes his eyes, hangs his head and takes deep breaths.
It’s all he can do to stop himself from crying.
-
They’re in one of the company’s meeting rooms. Jongin and Sehun are giggling like middle school girls over something in Sehun’s iPad, Baekhyun is sharing earphones with Kyungsoo, probably listening to the songs on their new album, Chanyeol’s sitting by the window lost in thought, and Junmyeon’s just sitting by the table. They’re all waiting for their manager, who says he has an announcement.
Everyone seems to be in a good mood, Junmyeon observes. Each of the members have been pretty much on edge with their comeback looming so close, and their packed schedules really didn’t help with the nerves. Jongin, being the one who seems to be under most pressure, kept on cracking, until he and Sehun almost went at it with each other, fists clenched and teeth bared. It had taken Chanyeol, Wu Fan, Minseok and even Tao to stop the two of them.
Meanwhile, Junmyeon had watched in the sidelines because he was far too delicate to be involved in a fight, Baekhyun had teased him.
Junmyeon rubs his cheek and leans back on the seat, closing his eyes. Sometimes, which happens far too often these days, he wonders if he’s really cut out for this job, for this dream that he thought he’s always wanted. So many things had happened since his trainee days that he’s confused, almost lost, as to what he really wants anymore. It feels like rejection after rejection has been coming at him that he’s learned to tuck his deepest desires at the back of his heart, where it’s never seen by anyone. And, slowly, these desires, have begun to eat away at his heart, until, he’s afraid, that nothing will be left.
Loud laughter rings in his ears and he opens his eyes. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Sehun and Jongin are all laughing at something. A small smile works itself to Junmyeon’s lips because seeing his members so happy and relaxed after being stressed for days on end makes him contented. When he lifts his eyes towards Chanyeol, wondering whether their rapper was laughing, too, he finds Chanyeol watching him. Their eyes meet and for a moment Junmyeon thinks that Chanyeol knows exactly what he’s thinking. But he doesn’t really get the chance to analyze further because their manager walks in at that moment, calling them all to attention.
They’re being allowed to have mini vacations. Finally. Jongin stands up and jumps around, already calling his mom, while Sehun’s hands are already typing a swift message on his own phone. Baekhyun’s beaming, while Kyungsoo’s looking at everyone in his own wide-eyed expression of joy. Even Chanyeol’s trademark blinding beam is back.
After the announcement, the members file out of the room, leaving Junmyeon with the manager. The manager sighs as he sees him lingering behind.
“Junmyeon,” the manager begins but Junmyeon merely shakes his head. The manager sighs once more then pats his shoulder before heading out himself.
Junmyeon stands in the middle of the room by himself. As he looks around, he realizes that it’s the same room everyone had gathered in when their debut was announced. He remembers Lu Han grabbing Yixing’s and Sehun’s hands in his in shock, remembers Jongdae turning around to hide his tears, while Tao cried unabashedly, remembers how Wu Fan put an arm around Minseok, who had then been whispering silent screams in Kyungsoo’s ear, remembers how Jongin moved around in a mixture of excitement and disbelief as Baekhyun tried to calm him down while he was wringing his hands in astonishment. He even remembers Chanyeol, who hugged him so tight when the announcement was done, when everyone had gone out to celebrate. Even if there are things he’d rather forget about that day, he can’t forget the way Chanyeol had whispered happiness in his ears, happiness in the fact that they were debuting together.
“It seems so long ago, doesn’t it,” Chanyeol’s voice startles him. He whips around and watches as Chanyeol reenters the room, hands in his pockets. “And yet, it’s only been a year.”
Junmyeon watches as Chanyeol reaches the table and places his hands on its edge before meeting his eyes. He and Chanyeol are rarely ever alone anymore. It’s been a conscious effort on Junmyeon’s end in the beginning but, after a while, they just never ended up by themselves. It makes Junmyeon wonder whether Chanyeol’s caught on and has started to make this effort as well.
“So much has happened in that year,” Junmyeon acknowledges with a smile.
Chanyeol pauses, seemingly contemplating his response. He then shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “You’re not going to see your family,” he finally says. The way he says it makes Junmyeon feel like he’s done something wrong.
“There’s so much I have to catch up on,” Junmyeon starts to explain.
“You’re never going to go for what you really want, are you?” Chanyeol raises his eyebrows in a challenge.
“Singing is my dream, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon calmly responds to his accusation. “There are sacrifices I need to make in order to achieve to get better at it.”
“So you’re saying that this isn’t big enough of a dream for us since we’re not sacrificing family time?” Chanyeol snaps.
“That’s not what I-“
“You’re sacrificing the wrong things, hyung,” Chanyeol interrupts harshly. “People are the most important things in a person’s life, relationships. When you sacrifice relationships, you’re not the only one who gets hurt. You don’t just-” He stops himself when he realizes he’s said too much.
There’s a pause, two, three. Junmyeon feels like his heart is going to burst because he’s brought back to that time when he thinks he chose all the wrong things. Chanyeol is standing in front of him, like all those other times, but Junmyeon believes that it’s too late to go back. Because no one waits for something that’s never going to come.
“Chanyeol?” Junmyeon carefully presses.
Chanyeol looks straight into his eyes. “Hyung, I just wish that you’d allow yourself to get the things that you want,” he says, “because you deserve them, too. Everyone deserves to be happy.”
Junmyeon bites his lip, trying to shove back some emotion he’s long held back.
-
“You’re chipper today,” Lu Han comments at a bouncy Junmyeon.
“He’s chipper everyday,” Wu Fan corrects him.
“Not like this,” Lu Han shakes his head, watching Junmyeon suspiciously. “What’s going on?”
Junmyeon shakes his head, his dark hair falling on his eyes. He brushes them back. “Nothing,” he denies, chuckling nervously. “Just… have you seen Chanyeol?” He cranes his neck to check if his tall friend was with the group of approaching trainees.
Knowing smiles immediately make their way on Lu Han’s and Wu Fan’s faces and Junmyeon embarrassingly feels himself blush.
“Oh… Chanyeol,” Lu Han teases him readily. “Are you finally going to confess?” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down and Wu Fan shoves him.
“I think he went to the next practice room,” Wu Fan tells him with an encouraging pat on the back.
“HWAITING!” Lu Han yells after him. Junmyeon turns back to make a face at Lu Han and then he’s almost sprinting to the other room.
He does a slow count to 10, taking a deep breath with each number in an effort to make himself calm. It’s one of those moments where he gets a sudden rush of bravery and he thinks that there’s no better way to spend it than telling Chanyeol that he’d made a mistake walking away from him that time on the rooftop. With a plan in mind, he quietly pushes the door open, and he’s about to step in when he hears someone talking.
“Chanyeol, what do you think you’re doing?” The voice is hushed and hurried.
“There’s nothing wrong with-“ It’s Chanyeol.
Junmyeon takes a step back, realizing that he’s intruding on a private conversation.
“Everything about it is wrong! You should know better! And, of all people, why Junmyeon?” It startles Junmyeon to hear his name. He frowns and listens further. “He’s not good for anything. He’s just going to drag you down.”
“Hey, we’re debuting together,” Chanyeol defends him. “And he’s good at a lot of things.”
“You do realize they’re only making him debut because he’s been here too long, right?” Chanyeol doesn’t respond. “You know I’m right.” There’s a sigh. “Please do yourself a favor. Don’t start anything with him. It’s not worth it.”
“It’s not worth it,” Chanyeol whispers. “You’re right…”
Junmyeon takes a couple of steps back until his back hits the wall opposite the practice room door, not bothering to continue listening to the rest of their conversation. His breathing is ragged and there are tears on his cheeks. He can’t seem to forget those words. It’s not worth it. When he hears the door shake, he pushes himself off the wall and runs away from there.
He’s not worth it.
-
“What is this?” Junmyeon asks as he steps into the room he shares with Sehun.
Sehun is on top of a ladder, busy sticking something green on the ceiling as Kyungsoo and Jongin keep the ladder steady. Junmyeon can feel the beginnings of a headache as he starts to imagine what nonsense the two youngest members have concocted yet again.
“What are you doing?” Junmyeon tries again. Sometimes (a lot of the time?) the members do strange and weird things that have gotten them in trouble. He sincerely wishes that this weren’t one of those times.
“They’re glow-in-the-dark, hyung,” Jongin shares excitedly. “Chanyeol hyung and I found them at the mall this morning. He suggested that we buy some and stick them on our ceilings.” He gives a vague but wild gesture towards the expanse of white over their heads. “Isn’t it cool?”
Jongin is smiling so brightly, something he rarely sees anymore since they debuted, so Junmyeon indulges him. “So everyone’s rooms have glow-in-the-dark…” he scrunches up his nose. “…stars and planets on the ceiling?”
“Even the living room!” Sehun and Jongin chorus way too happily. Kyungsoo chuckles.
“The kitchen, too.”
Junmyeon turns around to find Chanyeol leaning against the doorway, arms crossed on his chest, a smile on his face. There’s something about that smile that makes Junmyeon’s breath hitch. It’s one of Chanyeol’s more subdued, but sweeter and more affectionate smiles, one that the fans sometimes catch when he’s looking at Baekhyun. There’s suddenly a sour taste in Junmyeon’s mouth, but he smiles at him before looking back at Jongin and Sehun, who’s now back on the ground, surveying his handiwork in awe.
“That ought to do it,” Sehun claps his hands. He, Kyungsoo and Jongin make their way out of the room, the ladder in their hands.
“Well, I hope you’ve cleared this up with manager-hyung,” Junmyeon starts to say as he follows them out into the living room. “Because if I have to explain another time to him how you two are growing boys and need to have their childhood with them, I’m going to have a migraine. A permanent one.”
“Aww, hyung,” Sehun teases him, putting an arm around his shoulders. “You don’t have to.” Chanyeol, still by the doorway, chuckles.
Junmyeon rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to do some retaliation when Jongin interrupts them.
“Let’s try it out!” Jongin excitedly declares, looking at Kyungsoo.
“But it’s daytime and we won’t be able to-“ Kyungsoo turns the lights off. “-Oh.”
The members have covered all the windows up with paper, and, with the curtains pulled down, the living room is almost too dark. He looks up and he sees what Sehun and Jongin with Kyungsoo had been working hard on. The planets and stars glow brightly down at them. He thinks the other members were downplayed the whole thing, because almost the whole ceiling was filled with them. He smiles in wonder. Suddenly, Junmyeon feels young again, younger and untainted by camera flashes and idol expectations.
He slowly makes his way to the sofa, still looking up at the ceiling and sits down, leaning back and resting his head on the headrest. There was a time when he was so much more fascinated with the stars and otherworldly bodies, like the planets revolving around the sun, how he’s just a speck in the bigger scheme of things, and he can’t help but think how he’d allowed himself to veer away from that kind of zeal and love.
“Nice, right?” Chanyeol takes a seat beside him, joining Junmyeon in stargazing.
“Mmm,” Junmyeon mumbles, feeling strangely tranquil that he doesn’t even register, and doesn’t feel nervous about the fact, that Chanyeol is sitting beside him, their arms touching. He vaguely hears a door closing. “I haven’t… it’s been so long…” He ends with a sigh, not quite sure what he wants to express.
“I know, hyung,” Chanyeol whispers. He closes his eyes for a second and breathes deeply, and then he’s leaning his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder.
Junmyeon immediately stiffens and he moves to get up to get away because he hasn’t been this close to Chanyeol since that time at the rooftop. But Chanyeol shifts his position on the couch so that both his arms are around Junmyeon, clamping him down.
“What are you doing?” Junmyeon breathes out, feeling as if his lungs have trapped air out. With each time he struggles in Chanyeol’s arms, his chest feels like it’s going to rupture with feelings that he’s always been praying to disappear.
But Chanyeol doesn’t let go. Instead, he straightens up and tugs Junmyeon towards him so that he’s hugging him. Junmyeon squeezes his eyes shut as Chanyeol presses his face to his neck. He’s biting his lower lip so hard because the emotions he’s been holding back for so long are brimming at the surface, like liquid reaching the brink and slowly trickling down the glass. Tears are leaking from his closed eyes and he finds that he can’t do anything to stop his feelings from seeping out as well.
If he doesn’t get away from Chanyeol soon, he knows that he’s going to start sobbing and then Chanyeol will know. Chanyeol will know. And the thought horrifies him. Because it’s not worth it. So he struggles, raising his hands to Chanyeol’s chest to push him away so he can start running because he hasn’t been running from this for so long only for it to catch up to him and leave him defenseless.
“Why don’t you want me, hyung?” Chanyeol’s voice breaks as he tries to keep Junmyeon in his embrace. Junmyeon stops wrestling away from Chanyeol. “Why do you hate me?” he repeats and Junmyeon can almost hear his heart breaking.
“What are you talking about?” Junmyeon manages to find his voice. It doesn’t make sense for Chanyeol to be asking these questions, especially from him.
Chanyeol slowly lets go of him when he’s sure that Junmyeon is going to bolt. He leans back and stares at his lap, his fingers playing with the creases of his pants. “You’re always… you’re always pushing me away, always choosing to stand beside Kyungsoo or Jongin, even Sehun, sometimes Baekhyun hyung, never with me. You rarely stay alone in the same room with me; never talk to me unless I talk to you. You don’t even acknowledge me sometimes, like, like I’m repulsive and you’d rather-“
“Stop,” Junmyeon’s voice is hoarse.
“Hyung, I just want to understand,” Chanyeol pleads, leaning forward and grabbing Junmyeon’s hand tightly. “What did I do? Why do you hate me? We’re friends, aren’t we? We’ve been friends for a long time. We’ve had the same dreams and…” His words get caught up in his throat and he takes a shuddery breath. “I just don’t understand. Please make me understand so I can fix this.”
It takes everything in Junmyeon not to break into pieces in front of Chanyeol. Because everything that Chanyeol’s said, it’s like something taken out of his own mind because he’s always felt that things had changed since that night on the rooftop. He and Chanyeol were never the same and he knows that that’s his fault. But it doesn’t make sense for Chanyeol to be feeling like this. For him to insist and to almost beg for an explanation over something that Junmyeon didn’t think Chanyeol ever thought about… It’s almost as if… Junmyeon coughs loudly to physically dispel such thoughts. It’s not worth it.
“There’s nothing to fix,” Junmyeon tells him, eyes slowly meeting Chanyeol’s. “I don’t know what you think is wrong, but there’s nothing wrong. I don’t… I don’t hate you. I could…” Never. His heart is aching because of things that could have been but never will be, and for things that he wishes he could do, things he wishes he could give, not just to Chanyeol, but also to everyone in the group. “I don’t know what I did to make you misunderstand, but I try my best to treat you all the same way. You, Kyungsoo, Baek, Jongin, Sehun, even the rest of EXO. I try, but…” There’s only so much I can give when there is nothing left.
Chanyeol is watching him with wide eyes and Junmyeon squirms because he always feels like Chanyeol can always see right through him. So he chuckles and smiles in an attempt to lighten things up. That normally works because he’s been told that his smiles eases the tension and brightens up situations. But it doesn’t work this time because Chanyeol merely tilts his head to one side as if studying him.
“You’re running away from something.” It’s not a question. It’s a fact and Junmyeon wants to get up and walk away, maybe jump off a bridge because he’d rather do that than face this, than face Chanyeol and whatever this is.
“I’m not running away from anything,” and it hurts Junmyeon to say it because he’s never denied it out loud and doing so feels like he’s going against everything that he is. “I don’t know what you’re saying-“
“Don’t lie to me!” Chanyeol suddenly yells. Junmyeon shuts up, stiff and a bit scared. Chanyeol may have his deep voice and may seem off-hinged, but he never yells. Chanyeol takes a deep breath and shakes his head as if chiding himself for the outburst. “Of all the people you think you can lie to…” he begins again, looking straight into Junmyeon’s eyes. “I’m not one of them. I think I know you better than the others.”
“Well if you think you know me then why don’t you explain to me what you’re saying,” Junmyeon snaps because this is just too much for him, too much. “What exactly am I running away from-“
Junmyeon breath is taken away when Chanyeol presses his lips against his. It’s different from how he’s imagined it to be. Chanyeol’s lips are chapped and rough, his kisses adamant, almost forceful. Junmyeon tries to pull away, his hands on Chanyeol’s arms clenched, gripping the fabric of his shirt. But Chanyeol is insistent, snaking an arm around his waist, his other hand finding purchase on the back of his head, strands of his hair in between his fingers.
After a while, Junmyeon stops trying to push him away, and he falls into the kiss. Just like how he’s fallen for Chanyeol all those years ago. He moves even closer, shortening further whatever distance there was between them, his hands making their way to Chanyeol’s waist, some of his fingers slipping under the edge of his shirt.
Kissing Chanyeol is like taking a deep breath after being under water for a long time. There’s that sense of relief and greediness that accompanies it that Junmyeon thinks he can’t let go of this anymore no matter how hard he tries. Because once you’ve tasted respite, you wouldn’t want to go back to being under the rock anymore.
When they pull away, Chanyeol’s lips are red and swollen, his cheeks are flushed with a healthy pink, and his eyes are too bright. Junmyeon thinks that he probably looks the same, and this thought makes him lightheaded with joy.
“Hyung, I’m…” Chanyeol swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in uncertainty. “I don’t-I’m sorry.”
Junmyeon shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he says. “Be anything, but sorry.”
“But I-I didn’t think… I wasn’t sure if you wanted…” Chanyeol stammers.
“It didn’t stop you anyway,” Junmyeon responds, slightly teasingly. Chanyeol smiles and Junmyeon’s heart soars.
“I didn’t,” Chanyeol agrees. Hesitantly, he reaches out for Junmyeon, who gladly curls into him, resting his head on the crook of Chanyeol’s neck.
“So…” Junmyeon’s uncertainty is back. Because breathing deeply isn’t all you do once you’re out of the water, out of the darkness. What happens next is key. “What was that about?”
Chanyeol squeezes him tighter. “Hyung,” and Junmyeon kisses his throat that vibrates when he speaks, “I just want you to be happy. I want you to feel like it’s not wrong to want things. I wanted you to know that we’d do anything for you, that I’d do anything for you.”
Junmyeon frowns. Slowly, he pulls back and looks at Chanyeol. “What do you mean?”
“We’ve talked about this,” Chanyeol continues. “You’re always watching out for others without asking for anything in return. I’m telling you now that you can ask because whatever it is, you can have it because you deserve it.”
Junmyeon stiffens. Before Chanyeol can say anything or do something, Junmyeon is already on his feet. He takes a couple of steps away from the couch when Chanyeol stands up.
Junmyeon didn’t think that his heart could be any more broken than it already is. Apparently, it can. Pity and too much kindness can evidently crush a heart in its fist, not letting go until it’s nothing but ash. He’s known all along that some of the members felt pity for him because he’s that trainee who’s been around for too long, the mediocre trainee, the unfit leader, someone who talks more to their sunbaes because he doesn’t really belong with them. These are things that Junmyeon has always known other trainees thought about him, but he’s ignored them because Chanyeol continued to assure him that it didn’t matter because they know it isn’t true. But if Chanyeol pities him, too, if he thinks that things will be okay by showing him too much kindness, then Junmyeon thinks that maybe they’re all right. He really mustn’t be worth it.
“I have to go,” Junmyeon tells him in the steadiest voice he can muster.
“Junmyeon hyung,” Chanyeol takes a step forward but Junmyeon takes a couple of steps back more in return.
“Don’t,” Junmyeon begs him, shaking his head as he feels the tears finally streak down his face. The pain in his heart is too much and he doesn’t think he can hold it in any longer, not when he’s gotten his hopes up only to be trampled back down.
When he closes the door of their dorm behind him, he staggers out into the hallway. He can’t help but think how a broken heart can really kill someone. Because he really feels like he’s dying.
-
part 3