[G] Even if you forget everything
Title: Even if you forget everything
Character(s): Hyukjae, Kibum
Rating: G
Genre: Sad
Type: One-shot
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Things weren’t supposed to come apart. They weren’t supposed to be broken like this.
Kibum was packing what’s left of his stuff in the dorm. He hadn’t been back since he decided to live away, to focus on his acting. He never really got to visit due to his tight schedules and training. So when we opened the door and found him outside, it was immediately a sign. It was a sign that things weren’t going to get better.
I watched as he looked through the books and CDs that he had left, smiling, being happy at finally finding something again for so long. He then put them in his bag and looked through the clothes I had put on the bed, more stuff that he had left behind and forgotten.
“I missed this,” he exclaimed, a huge grin on his face when he held up his favorite black shirt back in the day. He had always worn it when they were to perform. He always said it gave him comfort and relieved the nervousness.
“It missed you, too,” I muttered, looking away and staring at the wooden floor.
I began remembering the times when he used to walk on this floor, going into my room to talk about anything under the sun; work, his acting, my rapping, his rapping, the inedible food in the fridge, Heechul’s vanity, the girls we could never date, Jongwoon’s craziness, the mess in the living room, Jungsoo’s stress, music, Wookie’s cooking, the amount of shoes piling up in the hallway… the list went on and on. Our conversations always gave me comfort. Because Kibum, dubbed as the quiet one, only talked about things to people who mattered to him.
The bed creaked as he took the space beside me. He just sat there for a while, not breaking the silence. Slowly and gently, he reached for my hand and squeezed it tenderly. I knew he knew what I wanted him to say.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I shook my head. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “I can’t stay,” he went on more quietly.
I blinked and withdrew my hand from him. Tears were starting to gather in my eyes. “I know you can’t,” was my only reply. I stood up and walked to the closet, looking through the shirts, shorts and jeans. “Are those all your things?”
I heard him stand up and walk over to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder, my wet cheek touching his dry one.
“Hyung, I’m sorry that I haven’t been around and I’m sorry that I’m not going to be around.” As he said this, he hugged me tighter. I could tell that it was taking everything in him not to cry.
“We all do what we have to,” I responded, swallowing my sobs back down my throat. I paused as I tried to compose myself. What I was going to say next was something that I wanted to ask him when he first stepped back into the dorm. I turned around and faced him. “But… why are you doing this now?”
He sighed and brought a hand to his head, an indication that he was agitated. “It’s not the best of circumstances, I know, but… I just… what’s the point of coming back? Kangin hyung’s going to be in the army-.”
“He’s not staying there forever,” I interjected.
“…And Hangeng hyung’s leaving,” he finished, ignoring my interruption. He looked at me, searching my eyes of some sort of understanding. But I couldn’t give it to him. Because I didn’t understand. “Hyung,” he murmured contritely.
“So you’re leaving because he’s leaving?” I questioned. I went back to the bed and put all the remaining clothes on the bed in his bag.
“Of course not,” he denied, following me. He stopped me from moving. I looked up at him. “If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been part of Super Junior for a while.”
“And whose fault was that?” I snapped.
After saying it, I immediately regretted it. The look on Kibum’s face, the hurt I had inflicted on him, wasn’t something that was worth seeing ever.
I dropped the clothes I was holding and brought him in my arms. And for the first time in a long time, I saw Kibum cry.
We sat back down on the bed, him gathered in my arms, both quietly crying. We stopped talking about him leaving. There was no use. He was going to do it no matter how hard we tried to stop him. Singing had never been his passion right from the beginning. But he tried and stayed in the group because of us, his brothers. And we couldn’t begrudge him for that.
Instead, we talked about the memories we had created together.
The fans may have never seen it, but we’d always been close. Kibum was affectionate in the smallest of ways. It was in the way he smiled at you when he was happy, the way he offered water to you after practice, the way he opened the door for everyone and was the last to go through, the way he tried his best in singing and dancing when it wasn’t his forte. It was just in everything.
He would always want to sit beside me when we were on a bus to go to a show somewhere because we shared the same taste in music. Heechul would always pout at this, but knowing he can’t stand Kibum’s music, he would unwillingly oblige the setup. We would rap together at random moments. It was just an instant connection. A connection that I would never forget.
But as we talked, I realized how Kibum had failed to remember a lot of things. He’d forgotten how I liked to wear my hats, how Donghae loved to keep his music stacked a certain way, how Jongwoon talked to his turtles, how Wookie cried when his meals didn’t turn out well, how Kyuhyun took care of his games, how Sungmin slept at night, how Heechul brushed his hair, how Shindong snored, how Siwon prayed, how Yongwoon cursed, how Jungsoo liked his clothes a certain way. He forgot things that may not have mattered to anyone, but mattered to all of us. Because it was in these little details that made each of us who we are. It was what made us so dynamic. We were all so quirky in our own ways.
It hurt me. I believed that you should never forget things, even the little details, about the people you loved. It scared me that this was happening to Kibum. It just reinforced even more how things have fallen apart.
After a while, he finally stopped crying. He wiped his tears with his sleeves and looked at me, grateful.
“Everything okay in here?” Jungsoo had walked in, knocking on the door.
“Yeah,” Kibum answered, standing up and gathering his things. “I’ll be right out.”
Jungsoo smiled comfortingly, more at me than at him, before leaving us alone. He must’ve have known, like he always does, that I need it more.
Kibum turned to me. I looked at him.
I hated goodbyes. But this was one that I appreciated. I never got the chance to tell Hangeng how much I appreciated him and how much I loved him. This was my chance to make that right with Kibum.
“Take care of yourself,” I began. The tears were starting to form again and suddenly I couldn’t see clearly.
“I love you, hyung.” He wrapped me in a one-arm hug, pressing his lips to my cheek.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut.
We stayed like this for a moment, savoring every last second.
When he let go, he walked to the door. I watched as he almost disappeared around the corner, when he turned around and he was at my doorway again.
“Hyung,” he began, sadness in his eyes. “Do you think we’ll forget?”
My response came with a sad smile. He nodded appreciatively and this time he was gone for good.
People tend to forget things easily even when they say they won’t forget anything. But time tends to let things slip through the cracks and, before you know it, you’ve already forgotten.
That wasn’t going to happen to me. I promised Kibum.
Even if you forget everything, I've committed it to memory. I’ve learned us by heart. I’ll remember for all of us.
Character(s): Hyukjae, Kibum
Rating: G
Genre: Sad
Type: One-shot
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Things weren’t supposed to come apart. They weren’t supposed to be broken like this.
Kibum was packing what’s left of his stuff in the dorm. He hadn’t been back since he decided to live away, to focus on his acting. He never really got to visit due to his tight schedules and training. So when we opened the door and found him outside, it was immediately a sign. It was a sign that things weren’t going to get better.
I watched as he looked through the books and CDs that he had left, smiling, being happy at finally finding something again for so long. He then put them in his bag and looked through the clothes I had put on the bed, more stuff that he had left behind and forgotten.
“I missed this,” he exclaimed, a huge grin on his face when he held up his favorite black shirt back in the day. He had always worn it when they were to perform. He always said it gave him comfort and relieved the nervousness.
“It missed you, too,” I muttered, looking away and staring at the wooden floor.
I began remembering the times when he used to walk on this floor, going into my room to talk about anything under the sun; work, his acting, my rapping, his rapping, the inedible food in the fridge, Heechul’s vanity, the girls we could never date, Jongwoon’s craziness, the mess in the living room, Jungsoo’s stress, music, Wookie’s cooking, the amount of shoes piling up in the hallway… the list went on and on. Our conversations always gave me comfort. Because Kibum, dubbed as the quiet one, only talked about things to people who mattered to him.
The bed creaked as he took the space beside me. He just sat there for a while, not breaking the silence. Slowly and gently, he reached for my hand and squeezed it tenderly. I knew he knew what I wanted him to say.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I shook my head. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “I can’t stay,” he went on more quietly.
I blinked and withdrew my hand from him. Tears were starting to gather in my eyes. “I know you can’t,” was my only reply. I stood up and walked to the closet, looking through the shirts, shorts and jeans. “Are those all your things?”
I heard him stand up and walk over to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder, my wet cheek touching his dry one.
“Hyung, I’m sorry that I haven’t been around and I’m sorry that I’m not going to be around.” As he said this, he hugged me tighter. I could tell that it was taking everything in him not to cry.
“We all do what we have to,” I responded, swallowing my sobs back down my throat. I paused as I tried to compose myself. What I was going to say next was something that I wanted to ask him when he first stepped back into the dorm. I turned around and faced him. “But… why are you doing this now?”
He sighed and brought a hand to his head, an indication that he was agitated. “It’s not the best of circumstances, I know, but… I just… what’s the point of coming back? Kangin hyung’s going to be in the army-.”
“He’s not staying there forever,” I interjected.
“…And Hangeng hyung’s leaving,” he finished, ignoring my interruption. He looked at me, searching my eyes of some sort of understanding. But I couldn’t give it to him. Because I didn’t understand. “Hyung,” he murmured contritely.
“So you’re leaving because he’s leaving?” I questioned. I went back to the bed and put all the remaining clothes on the bed in his bag.
“Of course not,” he denied, following me. He stopped me from moving. I looked up at him. “If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been part of Super Junior for a while.”
“And whose fault was that?” I snapped.
After saying it, I immediately regretted it. The look on Kibum’s face, the hurt I had inflicted on him, wasn’t something that was worth seeing ever.
I dropped the clothes I was holding and brought him in my arms. And for the first time in a long time, I saw Kibum cry.
We sat back down on the bed, him gathered in my arms, both quietly crying. We stopped talking about him leaving. There was no use. He was going to do it no matter how hard we tried to stop him. Singing had never been his passion right from the beginning. But he tried and stayed in the group because of us, his brothers. And we couldn’t begrudge him for that.
Instead, we talked about the memories we had created together.
The fans may have never seen it, but we’d always been close. Kibum was affectionate in the smallest of ways. It was in the way he smiled at you when he was happy, the way he offered water to you after practice, the way he opened the door for everyone and was the last to go through, the way he tried his best in singing and dancing when it wasn’t his forte. It was just in everything.
He would always want to sit beside me when we were on a bus to go to a show somewhere because we shared the same taste in music. Heechul would always pout at this, but knowing he can’t stand Kibum’s music, he would unwillingly oblige the setup. We would rap together at random moments. It was just an instant connection. A connection that I would never forget.
But as we talked, I realized how Kibum had failed to remember a lot of things. He’d forgotten how I liked to wear my hats, how Donghae loved to keep his music stacked a certain way, how Jongwoon talked to his turtles, how Wookie cried when his meals didn’t turn out well, how Kyuhyun took care of his games, how Sungmin slept at night, how Heechul brushed his hair, how Shindong snored, how Siwon prayed, how Yongwoon cursed, how Jungsoo liked his clothes a certain way. He forgot things that may not have mattered to anyone, but mattered to all of us. Because it was in these little details that made each of us who we are. It was what made us so dynamic. We were all so quirky in our own ways.
It hurt me. I believed that you should never forget things, even the little details, about the people you loved. It scared me that this was happening to Kibum. It just reinforced even more how things have fallen apart.
After a while, he finally stopped crying. He wiped his tears with his sleeves and looked at me, grateful.
“Everything okay in here?” Jungsoo had walked in, knocking on the door.
“Yeah,” Kibum answered, standing up and gathering his things. “I’ll be right out.”
Jungsoo smiled comfortingly, more at me than at him, before leaving us alone. He must’ve have known, like he always does, that I need it more.
Kibum turned to me. I looked at him.
I hated goodbyes. But this was one that I appreciated. I never got the chance to tell Hangeng how much I appreciated him and how much I loved him. This was my chance to make that right with Kibum.
“Take care of yourself,” I began. The tears were starting to form again and suddenly I couldn’t see clearly.
“I love you, hyung.” He wrapped me in a one-arm hug, pressing his lips to my cheek.
“I love you, too,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut.
We stayed like this for a moment, savoring every last second.
When he let go, he walked to the door. I watched as he almost disappeared around the corner, when he turned around and he was at my doorway again.
“Hyung,” he began, sadness in his eyes. “Do you think we’ll forget?”
My response came with a sad smile. He nodded appreciatively and this time he was gone for good.
People tend to forget things easily even when they say they won’t forget anything. But time tends to let things slip through the cracks and, before you know it, you’ve already forgotten.
That wasn’t going to happen to me. I promised Kibum.
Even if you forget everything, I've committed it to memory. I’ve learned us by heart. I’ll remember for all of us.