Hi
I'm Airie. I used to be important.
Now? I'm tired, disallusioned and I never leave the house.
I think the last year of my life has aged me beyond any scope of rational comprehension.
Since I stopped posting regularly about a year ago, for reason's I'm not going to back track into, let's just say that you probably don't know half of why I dropped out of my glamourous and sparkly life.
Let me say it was probably ONLY because I think when you want something so badly, and you get it, and you realize it's NOT what you'd thought it would be, you find yourself disgusted and ultimately broken hearted past the point of being able to maintain it for whatever good is actually there.
Admittedly, there was a brief moment when I did find myself blessed. And there are a handful of memories where I can look back and say, Nobody will ever have this opportunity.
For lack of a better description, I just want to mention that I still can't bring myself to detail anything that I remember fondly, only because I can't imagine who may read this and if they do, I have no urge to name drop. I've realized I hate fans and fanatics. The forced intimacy of meeting someone and their immediate urge to call you a friend both irritates me and makes me uncomfortable.
Thankfully, all the people I met this year who fall into the catagory of wanting to know me just to say they know me, only met me when I was leaving a bathroom stall, coked out of my mind, and barely knowing my name, let alone who they were 20 minutes later.
I'm 3 months clean now and have NO urge to ever recover those friendships. I went into this with only Aimee. I came out with a stronger bond to her. And, truthfully? I didn't deserve to leave with that.
I'm Airie and I used to be important. I used to do things nobody else could. I got away with more sideways adventures, crackpot scheme's and more illegal maneuvering this year than anyone can imagine.
Maybe one day I'll detail the descent, the rock bottom heart-break and the rebuild of my psyche that I spent 12 months living through, but I still feel like nobody would understand and those who would think they do? Well, they just want to associate with my situation to make their own less monotonous. Even now, when I read and lurk and see the compliments paid to us, to the scene to the bands and the hosts, I remember the way the complimentors are discussed and degraded. I remember the jokes about fans, the way it is told one way to everyone else to spare feelings, and the reality of feelings pouring out over shots of patron. Nobody really loves anyone there. Loyalty is gone and I personally feel bad for the things I've only heard, not even for the things I've done.
I haven't gone out since Halloween, and I couldn't care less.
Now? I'm tired, disallusioned and I never leave the house.
I think the last year of my life has aged me beyond any scope of rational comprehension.
Since I stopped posting regularly about a year ago, for reason's I'm not going to back track into, let's just say that you probably don't know half of why I dropped out of my glamourous and sparkly life.
Let me say it was probably ONLY because I think when you want something so badly, and you get it, and you realize it's NOT what you'd thought it would be, you find yourself disgusted and ultimately broken hearted past the point of being able to maintain it for whatever good is actually there.
Admittedly, there was a brief moment when I did find myself blessed. And there are a handful of memories where I can look back and say, Nobody will ever have this opportunity.
For lack of a better description, I just want to mention that I still can't bring myself to detail anything that I remember fondly, only because I can't imagine who may read this and if they do, I have no urge to name drop. I've realized I hate fans and fanatics. The forced intimacy of meeting someone and their immediate urge to call you a friend both irritates me and makes me uncomfortable.
Thankfully, all the people I met this year who fall into the catagory of wanting to know me just to say they know me, only met me when I was leaving a bathroom stall, coked out of my mind, and barely knowing my name, let alone who they were 20 minutes later.
I'm 3 months clean now and have NO urge to ever recover those friendships. I went into this with only Aimee. I came out with a stronger bond to her. And, truthfully? I didn't deserve to leave with that.
I'm Airie and I used to be important. I used to do things nobody else could. I got away with more sideways adventures, crackpot scheme's and more illegal maneuvering this year than anyone can imagine.
Maybe one day I'll detail the descent, the rock bottom heart-break and the rebuild of my psyche that I spent 12 months living through, but I still feel like nobody would understand and those who would think they do? Well, they just want to associate with my situation to make their own less monotonous. Even now, when I read and lurk and see the compliments paid to us, to the scene to the bands and the hosts, I remember the way the complimentors are discussed and degraded. I remember the jokes about fans, the way it is told one way to everyone else to spare feelings, and the reality of feelings pouring out over shots of patron. Nobody really loves anyone there. Loyalty is gone and I personally feel bad for the things I've only heard, not even for the things I've done.
I haven't gone out since Halloween, and I couldn't care less.