Divine Intervention
I went to church yesterday. What an experience. I think part of the reason I don't go as often as I should is that when I finally get there the sermon seems made for me. This time is no different. Absolutely no different. I always read ahead to know what to expect and what I read is NOT what I got. The readings were about struggle and prayer and whether God is really listening.
Now I'm expecting the entire Mass to be about excepting God's will and allowing Him control. Uh, NO! I couldn't have been more wrong if I'd tried. The entire sermon was about perserverence. About fighting. Not giving up, bugging God until you get your own way. It hit me so hard that I sat in the pew crying, sobbing until Aiyah handed me a tissue. I looked at her and said, "Gram, I don't know how to fight any more..." She took my hand and the Priest said, "Pray that God will show you how to fight, how to win." It seems a little silly to even mention how quickly I hit my knees.
God reminded me that I didn't forgot how to fight. I just I stopped fighting correctly. I started taking the easy way out. I stopped paying attention, and that isn't me. I got so moved I joined the choir. I'm going to law school, it's part of my fight for my son. It's my fight to give him the life he deserves. It's time for me to end this little vacation, hop back into the ring and kick some ass. Half time is over.... GAME ON!!!
I don't ask for signs because this is what happens. I don't get tiny whispers nudging me in the right direction. No, I get screaming in my ear and a violent push. There it is. How bad do you want it?
I also had some really good advice to administer to someone. I'd just like to generally reiterate it. I was told that someone was worried about a reaction they were going to get when they told someone a big secret. I mentioned that they had little to worry about since being friends meant that they'd accept the news. My query said "I hope they remember that..."
NO NO NO NO NO!!!! Children, you don't just hope people remember things. You don't hope they know. YOU FUCKING TELL THEM! So and So won't change their mind? CHANGE IT FOR THEM!!!!! Don't wait for people to come around or you will find yourself staring down at a coffin one day wishing to God you'd told them how you feel. Wishing for ten more minutes to tell them how you feel, to hug them and to hold them, to just be near them without bitching and bickering and being a prick.
Assume that everyone around you is a complete idiot with the attention of a fruitfly, don't ever give anyone any credit. DON"T ASSUME THEY KNOW!!!!! THEY DON"T. They can't remember.
When I die I want each and every one of you to know I love you. I want you to look down into my maple casket, with soft blue satin, and my crystal rosary around my hands. When you see me there with a soft tender smile on my face, know without a doubt; I loved each and every one of you... ALL OF YOU, more than you had any idea, for reason's that are too numerous to even begin to list. If your reading this know that I love you. Really. If I've picked up the phoen to you in the last six months, know that I love you. If I've seeked you out, know that I love you. If I've cried in front of you, in the rain, in a hurricane, in the middle of the night, in your driveway, KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU. I may wake up one morning and not be able to tell you. I might not be here, I might not be able to say it, and I may not be able to go without hearing it back anymore. Do me the favor of reminding each other as often as you can, Erin Loves You. Remind each other when they don't want to hear it. Push them. Don't assume they know, and don't assume they remember.
Life is a series of complex and intervening moments that make us. It's our manipulation of those moments that define us. Can you really go along just letting things happen, being a victim? Stop that. If you need someone to remember something, FUCKING REMIND THEM!!!!!
Don't stop fighting. Try a new attack, go a different road. PUSH AND PUSH Until you can't fucking move. Love the people you have until you physically hurt. Tell them how you feel until you know they are ready to scream. Tell them until they hate you. Make sure they know. They'll appreciate it in the end. Don't give up. Eventually everyone get's it.
Several of my dearest friends have given me great advice. Here's a little of it, maybe it'll help.
1. "You are stronger than you realize, you'd have to be. Don't forget that.Your the strongest woman I know, and you always have been. Your a fighter and it's what makes you so beautiful." PDH
2. "One day you woke up and it just didn't matter as much. That pissed you off and the first thing you wanted to do is make it just as important. Knock it off. Self torture isn't fighting."CJB
3. "Know your limits. Be fully aware of what you are capable of, then ignore them like you ignore me when you get pissed." JRP
4. "The hardest part is letting go. That's why it's part of the fight." AAB
5. "Somebody's gotta feel this. But they won't, not until you make them feel it."MMM
and finally........
6. "There it is, how bad do you want it. What are you willing to do to get it? Just reach out and grab it. take it and make it yours, goddamn it. Stop waiting for life to fall out of the sky and happen. Just go do it!"RJL
Yes, the gloves are back on. Only this time, I'm not hitting myself anymore...
Now I'm expecting the entire Mass to be about excepting God's will and allowing Him control. Uh, NO! I couldn't have been more wrong if I'd tried. The entire sermon was about perserverence. About fighting. Not giving up, bugging God until you get your own way. It hit me so hard that I sat in the pew crying, sobbing until Aiyah handed me a tissue. I looked at her and said, "Gram, I don't know how to fight any more..." She took my hand and the Priest said, "Pray that God will show you how to fight, how to win." It seems a little silly to even mention how quickly I hit my knees.
God reminded me that I didn't forgot how to fight. I just I stopped fighting correctly. I started taking the easy way out. I stopped paying attention, and that isn't me. I got so moved I joined the choir. I'm going to law school, it's part of my fight for my son. It's my fight to give him the life he deserves. It's time for me to end this little vacation, hop back into the ring and kick some ass. Half time is over.... GAME ON!!!
I don't ask for signs because this is what happens. I don't get tiny whispers nudging me in the right direction. No, I get screaming in my ear and a violent push. There it is. How bad do you want it?
I also had some really good advice to administer to someone. I'd just like to generally reiterate it. I was told that someone was worried about a reaction they were going to get when they told someone a big secret. I mentioned that they had little to worry about since being friends meant that they'd accept the news. My query said "I hope they remember that..."
NO NO NO NO NO!!!! Children, you don't just hope people remember things. You don't hope they know. YOU FUCKING TELL THEM! So and So won't change their mind? CHANGE IT FOR THEM!!!!! Don't wait for people to come around or you will find yourself staring down at a coffin one day wishing to God you'd told them how you feel. Wishing for ten more minutes to tell them how you feel, to hug them and to hold them, to just be near them without bitching and bickering and being a prick.
Assume that everyone around you is a complete idiot with the attention of a fruitfly, don't ever give anyone any credit. DON"T ASSUME THEY KNOW!!!!! THEY DON"T. They can't remember.
When I die I want each and every one of you to know I love you. I want you to look down into my maple casket, with soft blue satin, and my crystal rosary around my hands. When you see me there with a soft tender smile on my face, know without a doubt; I loved each and every one of you... ALL OF YOU, more than you had any idea, for reason's that are too numerous to even begin to list. If your reading this know that I love you. Really. If I've picked up the phoen to you in the last six months, know that I love you. If I've seeked you out, know that I love you. If I've cried in front of you, in the rain, in a hurricane, in the middle of the night, in your driveway, KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU. I may wake up one morning and not be able to tell you. I might not be here, I might not be able to say it, and I may not be able to go without hearing it back anymore. Do me the favor of reminding each other as often as you can, Erin Loves You. Remind each other when they don't want to hear it. Push them. Don't assume they know, and don't assume they remember.
Life is a series of complex and intervening moments that make us. It's our manipulation of those moments that define us. Can you really go along just letting things happen, being a victim? Stop that. If you need someone to remember something, FUCKING REMIND THEM!!!!!
Don't stop fighting. Try a new attack, go a different road. PUSH AND PUSH Until you can't fucking move. Love the people you have until you physically hurt. Tell them how you feel until you know they are ready to scream. Tell them until they hate you. Make sure they know. They'll appreciate it in the end. Don't give up. Eventually everyone get's it.
Several of my dearest friends have given me great advice. Here's a little of it, maybe it'll help.
1. "You are stronger than you realize, you'd have to be. Don't forget that.Your the strongest woman I know, and you always have been. Your a fighter and it's what makes you so beautiful." PDH
2. "One day you woke up and it just didn't matter as much. That pissed you off and the first thing you wanted to do is make it just as important. Knock it off. Self torture isn't fighting."CJB
3. "Know your limits. Be fully aware of what you are capable of, then ignore them like you ignore me when you get pissed." JRP
4. "The hardest part is letting go. That's why it's part of the fight." AAB
5. "Somebody's gotta feel this. But they won't, not until you make them feel it."MMM
and finally........
6. "There it is, how bad do you want it. What are you willing to do to get it? Just reach out and grab it. take it and make it yours, goddamn it. Stop waiting for life to fall out of the sky and happen. Just go do it!"RJL
Yes, the gloves are back on. Only this time, I'm not hitting myself anymore...