Revelations...
OK, so bare with this rant, cause it might have a point. If not, then I'm sorry, but this has been swirling around for several minutes and I think I've got it.
There's something about being in my car with Destin that makes me think more clearly than any other time. Maybe it's the voice, she's like a therapist who could also get you off just by talking. Maybe it's the comfort level of her being such a good friend. (I don't mean that Destin is my good friend, though she is, I mean as far as friends go, she's really good at it. Small distinction, but important.) Maybe, though it's cause we share a common enemy? I'll explain that later, Aimee, don't hang yet!
We were talking about realism versus idealism. Which is interesting if you look at it from the perspective that everyone is a realist, BUT their internal self analysis dictacts what is real and what is out of bounds.
I consider myself a realist. Truly when most people would think I'm the worlds biggest idealist. I'm convinced I can do anything. Other people might think I suffer from delusions of grandeur, but I see things as part and parcel of being special. That's it. I think I'm special. I think I've been put on this Earth to accomplish great things. Now, in order to truly believe that, you have to acknowledge that some people just weren't. Some are just filler. They don't really matter but to take up space. We all do it. Very few of us look at faces in Wal-Mart or traffic jams and think, "Wow all these people are here to do somehting incredible." It just doesn't happen.At lest not among the people who will read this, cause we aren't that Christian...
Maybe my idealism has turned into realism. Maybe by being such an idealist I've found that I am capable of greater things than most people would even contemplate and therefore I can now call realism what some consider intense idealism. Maybe most of you really think I live in a dream world, where I believe I'm living a dream. Maybe there's something broken inside of me that should be telling me when I've gone too far. I'll agree with that.
Let's take some things at face value to make our future assumptions, shall we;
Resolved.
Erin Hennessey can get close to anyone, for at leat 1 hour.
Erin Hennessey has convinced more people to give into her
Erin Hennessey is an eternal optimist.
Given those three resolutions, we can make some assumptions.
I could meet the 69 eyes if I want to. I can receive my masters degree with very little output. I can continue to make ends meet without getting a job.
Ok, those ae some optimistic goals, but based on what I've done, I, personally feel entitled to believe that there is no way any of them are out of reach. Where some might think I've got to be kidding myself, I'm looking at bigger projects and trying to figure them out.
I, Erin Hennessey, will market a major motion picture to millions of people and effectively launch a career with no history or experience.
I can do it. Do you know why? Cause someone has to be able to, and I'm the special one right? This inherently flawed logic has never proved me wrong. Maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective. Maybe there is something to the human spirit that, when coupled with my way of thinking, leads people to do great things. After all, I'm definately not the best, I never claimed to be. I'm just better than I thought I could be. Occasionally I surprise myself.
What I don't like, really, is that I afford myself the luxury of being deluded, but I do not, ever really give it to anyone else. Where I'm convinced my big dreams are almost certain to become a reality, I'm not so sure about other people's big dreams. Maybe it's cause other people have just bigger and more outlandish dreams than I do. Maybe they're way further out in the spectrum of what I consider to be realistic, which is hard to imagine, cause, I've got a pretty broad acceptance level.
I guess I know how I feel when I don't meet my own psychotic expectations so I hope to prevent people the same ache that I feel when i fail. I don't want anyone to feel that. I look at Aimee, who has this intense focus, such deep passion and so willing to put everything else on the back burner for one man and it scares me. I know that ambition, and I don't want her to miss out on life because she's so preoccupied. I know she thinks it's what she wants, but I look back on my obsessions and think only of the wasted time and energy I've put into them and what I miss out on. I'd like to spare her that. In my mad rush to protect her, I try to live her life. Where I go wrong is that we come at it from two different opinions. Optimist vs. Pessimist. Maybe THAT is the all too evasive reason that we work.
I'm the eternal optimist, in a lot of ways. I spent hours last night understanding that Tom hasn't called. I tried to give myself some tough love. I prayed a lot and I said...
"Erin, you were a screw. You slept with him the first night you met him. Really, he is never gonna call. He doesn't want you. You were Insert warm body here. It's not pretty, but it's ok and you'll get over it. Forget waiting for him to call. What the hell would he want with you anyways. All it would do for him is get him made fun of by all his friends for fucking the fat one at the wedding. He's probably gone through hell for doing it. Everyone has been teasing him cause your repulsive and you need to get over that. He's way out of your league and you can't have it. All those people who said you two would be a good couple are just being nice cause they don't want your feelings to be so hurt. It's easier for them to tell you he's insecure and inexperienced than it is to tell you the truth. He hasn't called cause he doesn't want to call. If he wanted to call he would have. No one is that inexperienced and scared. It's not him. It's you. Get over it."
I can't help telling myself that. Maybe if I could start believeing it I'd be ok about shit like this. I then started the detrimental chant my brother began after Katrina.
FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG
Now, the saddest part, yes even sadder than that above, which is sad, is that I'm still carrying my phone around cause he might still call. The weekend isn't over yet. Even abusing myself isn't enought to shut the little sunshine in my head up for good. I still have a feeling that he might just call.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? It feels like there are two personalities in my mind shouting different things. I wish they'd just go to blows and declare a direct winner already cause the bouncing between the two is making me nuts.
Imma go puke.
There's something about being in my car with Destin that makes me think more clearly than any other time. Maybe it's the voice, she's like a therapist who could also get you off just by talking. Maybe it's the comfort level of her being such a good friend. (I don't mean that Destin is my good friend, though she is, I mean as far as friends go, she's really good at it. Small distinction, but important.) Maybe, though it's cause we share a common enemy? I'll explain that later, Aimee, don't hang yet!
We were talking about realism versus idealism. Which is interesting if you look at it from the perspective that everyone is a realist, BUT their internal self analysis dictacts what is real and what is out of bounds.
I consider myself a realist. Truly when most people would think I'm the worlds biggest idealist. I'm convinced I can do anything. Other people might think I suffer from delusions of grandeur, but I see things as part and parcel of being special. That's it. I think I'm special. I think I've been put on this Earth to accomplish great things. Now, in order to truly believe that, you have to acknowledge that some people just weren't. Some are just filler. They don't really matter but to take up space. We all do it. Very few of us look at faces in Wal-Mart or traffic jams and think, "Wow all these people are here to do somehting incredible." It just doesn't happen.At lest not among the people who will read this, cause we aren't that Christian...
Maybe my idealism has turned into realism. Maybe by being such an idealist I've found that I am capable of greater things than most people would even contemplate and therefore I can now call realism what some consider intense idealism. Maybe most of you really think I live in a dream world, where I believe I'm living a dream. Maybe there's something broken inside of me that should be telling me when I've gone too far. I'll agree with that.
Let's take some things at face value to make our future assumptions, shall we;
Resolved.
Erin Hennessey can get close to anyone, for at leat 1 hour.
Erin Hennessey has convinced more people to give into her
Erin Hennessey is an eternal optimist.
Given those three resolutions, we can make some assumptions.
I could meet the 69 eyes if I want to. I can receive my masters degree with very little output. I can continue to make ends meet without getting a job.
Ok, those ae some optimistic goals, but based on what I've done, I, personally feel entitled to believe that there is no way any of them are out of reach. Where some might think I've got to be kidding myself, I'm looking at bigger projects and trying to figure them out.
I, Erin Hennessey, will market a major motion picture to millions of people and effectively launch a career with no history or experience.
I can do it. Do you know why? Cause someone has to be able to, and I'm the special one right? This inherently flawed logic has never proved me wrong. Maybe I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective. Maybe there is something to the human spirit that, when coupled with my way of thinking, leads people to do great things. After all, I'm definately not the best, I never claimed to be. I'm just better than I thought I could be. Occasionally I surprise myself.
What I don't like, really, is that I afford myself the luxury of being deluded, but I do not, ever really give it to anyone else. Where I'm convinced my big dreams are almost certain to become a reality, I'm not so sure about other people's big dreams. Maybe it's cause other people have just bigger and more outlandish dreams than I do. Maybe they're way further out in the spectrum of what I consider to be realistic, which is hard to imagine, cause, I've got a pretty broad acceptance level.
I guess I know how I feel when I don't meet my own psychotic expectations so I hope to prevent people the same ache that I feel when i fail. I don't want anyone to feel that. I look at Aimee, who has this intense focus, such deep passion and so willing to put everything else on the back burner for one man and it scares me. I know that ambition, and I don't want her to miss out on life because she's so preoccupied. I know she thinks it's what she wants, but I look back on my obsessions and think only of the wasted time and energy I've put into them and what I miss out on. I'd like to spare her that. In my mad rush to protect her, I try to live her life. Where I go wrong is that we come at it from two different opinions. Optimist vs. Pessimist. Maybe THAT is the all too evasive reason that we work.
I'm the eternal optimist, in a lot of ways. I spent hours last night understanding that Tom hasn't called. I tried to give myself some tough love. I prayed a lot and I said...
"Erin, you were a screw. You slept with him the first night you met him. Really, he is never gonna call. He doesn't want you. You were Insert warm body here. It's not pretty, but it's ok and you'll get over it. Forget waiting for him to call. What the hell would he want with you anyways. All it would do for him is get him made fun of by all his friends for fucking the fat one at the wedding. He's probably gone through hell for doing it. Everyone has been teasing him cause your repulsive and you need to get over that. He's way out of your league and you can't have it. All those people who said you two would be a good couple are just being nice cause they don't want your feelings to be so hurt. It's easier for them to tell you he's insecure and inexperienced than it is to tell you the truth. He hasn't called cause he doesn't want to call. If he wanted to call he would have. No one is that inexperienced and scared. It's not him. It's you. Get over it."
I can't help telling myself that. Maybe if I could start believeing it I'd be ok about shit like this. I then started the detrimental chant my brother began after Katrina.
FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG FAT CUNT PIG
Now, the saddest part, yes even sadder than that above, which is sad, is that I'm still carrying my phone around cause he might still call. The weekend isn't over yet. Even abusing myself isn't enought to shut the little sunshine in my head up for good. I still have a feeling that he might just call.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? It feels like there are two personalities in my mind shouting different things. I wish they'd just go to blows and declare a direct winner already cause the bouncing between the two is making me nuts.
Imma go puke.