(no subject)
Whenever I write an entry this early it is always because I am still drunk from the night before, and this livejournal post can be no exception.
I have been so nervous this week that eating and sleeping seemed impossible...which they are still, but trust me, they won't be very soon because I am done depriving myself for anyone. It doesn't matter how much weight you lose or how much better you look, if a guy doesn't want you, he won't ever want you.
I planned my entire life this semester around so many variables and it has all come crashing down upon me. It's my fault, I know that. I don't blame him. Hell, I just stamped on and ran all over the host/guest relationship. He doesn't need or deserve this. This is my problem and it has been a problem for a while.
I like what I cannot have. I don't know why, but I do. Anything that is great and sitting in front of my very fucking eyes I think is not worthy, when really, it is probably the worthiest of them all. I see that now. It's not all about looks or what would make me look good. It's about finding a guy that is actually going to appreciate me for who I am, not for some person I pretend to be. I am DONE putting myself in these positions where it's completely obvious that it is totally one sided (even if I want to convince myself otherwise).
I am mostly just ashamed for myself. Ashamed of my behavior, ashamed that this is my fault and something I have to apologize for and something I am going to have to let go. I know I can but the other thing about me is this fierce sense of pride I have. Like my father, I don't like being talked down to or patronized, but even then in this instance, I totally deserved what I received. I have never felt so dirty in all my life. I am not going to feel pressured by myself or others or society now. Whatever happens will happen, I WILL NOT force myself anymore. It all amounts to nothing.
I am proud of myself that I can acknowledge all these things but sad that it had to take all this fucking bullshit to realize them. I feel like this summer I regressed after being so strong this past year. But I will say that I feel my strength is waning sometimes, and it would be nice to have someone to lean on.
But it sure ain't him.
I have been so nervous this week that eating and sleeping seemed impossible...which they are still, but trust me, they won't be very soon because I am done depriving myself for anyone. It doesn't matter how much weight you lose or how much better you look, if a guy doesn't want you, he won't ever want you.
I planned my entire life this semester around so many variables and it has all come crashing down upon me. It's my fault, I know that. I don't blame him. Hell, I just stamped on and ran all over the host/guest relationship. He doesn't need or deserve this. This is my problem and it has been a problem for a while.
I like what I cannot have. I don't know why, but I do. Anything that is great and sitting in front of my very fucking eyes I think is not worthy, when really, it is probably the worthiest of them all. I see that now. It's not all about looks or what would make me look good. It's about finding a guy that is actually going to appreciate me for who I am, not for some person I pretend to be. I am DONE putting myself in these positions where it's completely obvious that it is totally one sided (even if I want to convince myself otherwise).
I am mostly just ashamed for myself. Ashamed of my behavior, ashamed that this is my fault and something I have to apologize for and something I am going to have to let go. I know I can but the other thing about me is this fierce sense of pride I have. Like my father, I don't like being talked down to or patronized, but even then in this instance, I totally deserved what I received. I have never felt so dirty in all my life. I am not going to feel pressured by myself or others or society now. Whatever happens will happen, I WILL NOT force myself anymore. It all amounts to nothing.
I am proud of myself that I can acknowledge all these things but sad that it had to take all this fucking bullshit to realize them. I feel like this summer I regressed after being so strong this past year. But I will say that I feel my strength is waning sometimes, and it would be nice to have someone to lean on.
But it sure ain't him.