Well good job, Fork Grabber; you did it. Try not to cry on your pasta.
Today is one of those lay on the floor sighing days. Which I would indulge in, except I have a metric ton of homework to do and I have to study for the exam tomorrow and I cannot walk in my room anymore. Or find clothes.
And yet it's nearly 1:30 and I have done nothing. But sigh. And wander despondently. I hate myself OMG...
So guess what? I'm gonna ramble.
So yeah, lonely. OMG so lonely.
But you know what, it's a weird loneliness. I don't have a thread running through my head that plays the "you need a man" loop. Hell, I don't even want to deal with another human being or take the time out to work on a relationship or anything. I don't have that "I need a relationship otherwise I'm incomplete thing." At all. I actively don't fucking want one. Dealing with my own shit is nearly impossible some days, dealing with anyone else on top of that and I'll just snap.
I want kisses.
I want to be kissed. I want someone warm with strong arms that I can just cuddle up in. I want to be touched. That's it. That's what I crave. It's not even sex (another whole can of worms at the moment). I just want to be kissed.
That's not something you can substitute with anything else. A stuffed animal won't cuddle back. My cat's shit at the whole love department and claws me when I try and hug her. So it's kinda like living in a world where you really, really want chocolate but it doesn't exist so you are never going to get it.
And all you can think of is fucking chocolate.
I know a part of it is likely buried in the wish that someday someone will want to put up with crazy, broken little ole me. And part of me is terrified that they won't. I don't want me, who else would? I still have the hope that someday something will change, I'll get fixed and you know, who knows? I'm not in a hurry to find a guy though, so the loneliness isn't too terribly dependent on that.
I just really want to be kissed.
And be fixed. And feel secure. And not be in so much pain every morning that I'm throwing up.
But mostly, kisses.
There. That's this weird-ass loneliness in a nutshell. I may have managed to delude myself completely, but I don't fucking care.
I have to go do homework now. Yes I do.
Come on Airen, homework.
And yet it's nearly 1:30 and I have done nothing. But sigh. And wander despondently. I hate myself OMG...
So guess what? I'm gonna ramble.
So yeah, lonely. OMG so lonely.
But you know what, it's a weird loneliness. I don't have a thread running through my head that plays the "you need a man" loop. Hell, I don't even want to deal with another human being or take the time out to work on a relationship or anything. I don't have that "I need a relationship otherwise I'm incomplete thing." At all. I actively don't fucking want one. Dealing with my own shit is nearly impossible some days, dealing with anyone else on top of that and I'll just snap.
I want kisses.
I want to be kissed. I want someone warm with strong arms that I can just cuddle up in. I want to be touched. That's it. That's what I crave. It's not even sex (another whole can of worms at the moment). I just want to be kissed.
That's not something you can substitute with anything else. A stuffed animal won't cuddle back. My cat's shit at the whole love department and claws me when I try and hug her. So it's kinda like living in a world where you really, really want chocolate but it doesn't exist so you are never going to get it.
And all you can think of is fucking chocolate.
I know a part of it is likely buried in the wish that someday someone will want to put up with crazy, broken little ole me. And part of me is terrified that they won't. I don't want me, who else would? I still have the hope that someday something will change, I'll get fixed and you know, who knows? I'm not in a hurry to find a guy though, so the loneliness isn't too terribly dependent on that.
I just really want to be kissed.
And be fixed. And feel secure. And not be in so much pain every morning that I'm throwing up.
But mostly, kisses.
There. That's this weird-ass loneliness in a nutshell. I may have managed to delude myself completely, but I don't fucking care.
I have to go do homework now. Yes I do.
Come on Airen, homework.