.jesse.
i dream about him and usually he's upset. he USED to come give me advice in dreams, but for awhile now, it's been as though he's in some kind of utero...
last night i saw through the window that he was watching cartoons and i climbed up to the room he was in and joined (i think it was the Disney animated version of Robin Hood with the foxes). at some point there was a discussion with mom and then i climbed in his lap and hugged him and was trying to console him but i don't know what was wrong and i don't think i did in the dream either. or it was kinda fuzzy, anyway.
later (in the dream) there was some me not being ready for school/not feeling well stuff and dad trying to get me there and me being panicky. i know at some point i was doing that thing where i hear the hairdryer and know there's something behind me or sense something in the mirror and just generally freak out. my mom said she'd never seen me like that (but i feel like she has). i screamed and screamed. i never remember screaming much in dreams but i have been lately. i have dreams involving him and at some point i am just in a corner screaming.
i wake up and it doesn't feel better. the tree helps/hurts/helps/hurts. the holidays wear a big question mark wherein i will desperately want to make the best and enjoy every minute but will not be able to help feeling like crying periodically and then blaming myself (once more) for not putting in perspective that i'm with family now, etc. and won't be soon after...
i'm fine and this sounds like i'm terrible. i had the most amazing birthday party and alex sang for me and knocked over drinks and climbed on tables and i belted guns and roses (yes, shut up) and it felt like i had a community again for a minute. that dylan exhibit on friday made me feel all gooey and hopeful and i'm relieved to have time to make mixes again and sculpt and really, really, things are great. i even feel some writing coming on. i just miss people, but over christmas, get this, i get THE WEEK off. so actually, contrary to previous notes, i'll be home from the 22nd to the 30th. rawk.
it's just that i don't want to put it on anyone and i feel so ungrateful (because i have everything) but i am not always safe or sane. no one can know what it is to have that hole where your brother goes and it's every damn day. and after a year or two you learn how to be normal and people think you're fine and you ARE but it's there. it's there and it makes you irrational about christmas and you notice how people make the same faces as him in pictures and you stare at them for hours and instead of crying you have dreams where you just scream. and scream.
last night i saw through the window that he was watching cartoons and i climbed up to the room he was in and joined (i think it was the Disney animated version of Robin Hood with the foxes). at some point there was a discussion with mom and then i climbed in his lap and hugged him and was trying to console him but i don't know what was wrong and i don't think i did in the dream either. or it was kinda fuzzy, anyway.
later (in the dream) there was some me not being ready for school/not feeling well stuff and dad trying to get me there and me being panicky. i know at some point i was doing that thing where i hear the hairdryer and know there's something behind me or sense something in the mirror and just generally freak out. my mom said she'd never seen me like that (but i feel like she has). i screamed and screamed. i never remember screaming much in dreams but i have been lately. i have dreams involving him and at some point i am just in a corner screaming.
i wake up and it doesn't feel better. the tree helps/hurts/helps/hurts. the holidays wear a big question mark wherein i will desperately want to make the best and enjoy every minute but will not be able to help feeling like crying periodically and then blaming myself (once more) for not putting in perspective that i'm with family now, etc. and won't be soon after...
i'm fine and this sounds like i'm terrible. i had the most amazing birthday party and alex sang for me and knocked over drinks and climbed on tables and i belted guns and roses (yes, shut up) and it felt like i had a community again for a minute. that dylan exhibit on friday made me feel all gooey and hopeful and i'm relieved to have time to make mixes again and sculpt and really, really, things are great. i even feel some writing coming on. i just miss people, but over christmas, get this, i get THE WEEK off. so actually, contrary to previous notes, i'll be home from the 22nd to the 30th. rawk.
it's just that i don't want to put it on anyone and i feel so ungrateful (because i have everything) but i am not always safe or sane. no one can know what it is to have that hole where your brother goes and it's every damn day. and after a year or two you learn how to be normal and people think you're fine and you ARE but it's there. it's there and it makes you irrational about christmas and you notice how people make the same faces as him in pictures and you stare at them for hours and instead of crying you have dreams where you just scream. and scream.