Lone Wolf and Proud of it - nnngh...
Well, Az and the boyfriend are in her room. After the initial omfgaguyismakingoutwithmyflatmaterightinfrontofme thing, I'm coming to accept the fact that - well - this guy is nice, and that he's going to be coming to our flat very often. Which means, every day.
Don't get me wrong, I really like him, he's honest and kind, but I just...get uncomfortable. In a bad way - as in standing around picking at my cuticles bad. Because having people suddenly come into my flate makes me raise my guard unconsciously. I've told my parents about this, and they just go on and on with the 'you-need-to-invite-people-over-and-get-used-to-your-flat-being-full-of-people' and it's just like no. I like having a small space in this large city which is just mine, that I don't want people to invade. Because I need to protect myself, because I am on my own now, and I need to be more responsible than ever before.
So I guess one could say my socialising skills are extremely rusty. Because though I have no problem meeting and making new friends, it doesn't get too deep, because I hold them at arms length. Yeeeahhh. We're going to have to work on that this year and possibly the rest of my life.
Also, it might just be because she's now in a relationship, but Az is sort of adamant I'm missing out on something huge because I'm single (and always have been). She's had boyfriends before (both of which lasted about one week, so this really is a new record for her) and she asks me if, really, have I never wanted a boyfriend before.
Have I ever wanted a boyfriend? Yes, most definitely. The desire is getting stronger everyday, and I'm being serious, I really do want to have a boyfriend.
But it has to be the right person. Az is all like 'pero tu empieza con uno que mas o menos te gusta y si algo pasa pues pasa, y si no, pues no. Experimenta.' (Translation: 'just start going out with a guy who likes you even if you don't really know if you do, and if something happens it happens, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. Experiment.') And the thing is, I would be totally incapable of doing that.
Totally and completely incapable.
Whenever (if I ever) meet someone, I would have to be one hundred percent sure that I like them in that way. Perhaps not love them, but I would have to be attracted to them, because doubts make me put up walls and get anxious and worry that I will hurt the person involved. And I'd need to be sure they were into me too. Not just 'oh, he's alright, I guess, though I don't really feel anything for him - wait, he likes me? OHGOD I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH HIM'. That, just isn't me. I can't experiment. I would hate for it to go wrong, even though I know sometimes it will, and that's inevitable. I can't experiment, because I woudn't want people to experiment with me.
Am I expecting too much...? Am I taking this all too seriously? Don't answer that...