Good Bye.
Let me explain something about myself. I'm a very private person. I'm also an overly sensitive and introverted person. By that I mean that I tend to keep to myself, and everything gets to me.
My entire life has pretty much been this way. I was the person who got picked on it school, the one always picked last for everything when dividing into teams. And the times when I wasn't, it was out of pity. All my life, I let people walk all over me. Even the people I actually considered friends. I was always the one to avoid conflict, no matter what. I would occasionally tell the teacher if someone did something to me, but nothing else. I'd just curl inside of myself and try to ignore whatever it was that was bothering me. Because I didn't want to upset anybody else.
Because of that tendency, which lasted pretty much throughout my entire high school career, I ended up a very shelterred individual. The few friends that I did have rarely ever came over. I pretty much had school friends and church friends, and I didn't generally see either of them outside of the other place. Even today, there are only a handful of any of my junior high/high school friends that I still am in contact with.
As a general rule, I don't call people out when I'm upset about something. 9 times out of 10, if I'm upset, the person never has any indication of it and likely never knows, because I keep my big mouth closed. Call it consideration of their feelings. Call it conflict avoidance. Call it being a scared, nevervous little bitch. I don't really care. But for whatever reason, I'd rather go on with hurt feelings or being annoyed in silence than to let them know that they're upsetting me.
Everything I've mentioned still pretty much holds true today. Though I am coming out of my shell somewhat more than I used to, it's not much. Letting my Halloween costume be decided by other people, completely giving up any say-so as to how I would look at the Halloween party was a huge leap for me. More so than I think people realize. I try to play it off. I even did my best to ignore the fact that my own mother thought I looked trashy. For one night, I was going to let go and try something that I normally would not.
I try to act as normal as absolutely possible, which seems a contridiction for someone who claims to revel in being weird. But the truth is, I desperately want to be accepted, in everything I do.
I'm going to go now. But as a few final notes... to anyone who thinks I have ever talked about you in my writings, thinking that I have been talking about you without mentioning your name, it's not because I'm trying to act all 3rd-graderish about it. If I do that, IF I'm actually talking about you and doing that, it's because my issue is with you alone and I don't want to seem as if I'm pointing fingers and drawing attention to you. It is NOT because I'm trying to be all slick and think you don't know. I don't like calling people out. Period. You want proof of that, you can look back to a few weeks ago when I was upset about somebody in one of my communities. I purposely did not call him out by name in my rants here, not because I thought he wouldn't be able to figure out who I was talking about, but because my problem with him was with him alone. And I was not out to make the entirety of my lj hate him.
But now I'm rambling.
I have apparently upset some of my friends with a post I made. I had a hard time even posting that thing in the first place, because of my fear of people's reactions to it. Seemingly, my fears were quite founded, and I have retracted my post. But, because things I have read this morning have so upset me, not on an angry level but on a deeply hurt level, I have decided to leave lj for awhile. I will still post to Tortuga, because I need that distraction in my life. And I may still read my friends' entries. But I will likely not often comment, if at all.
But mostly, I will not be posting to my journal for a couple of weeks. So, have a nice life. And if you even bothered to read this. Thanks.
My entire life has pretty much been this way. I was the person who got picked on it school, the one always picked last for everything when dividing into teams. And the times when I wasn't, it was out of pity. All my life, I let people walk all over me. Even the people I actually considered friends. I was always the one to avoid conflict, no matter what. I would occasionally tell the teacher if someone did something to me, but nothing else. I'd just curl inside of myself and try to ignore whatever it was that was bothering me. Because I didn't want to upset anybody else.
Because of that tendency, which lasted pretty much throughout my entire high school career, I ended up a very shelterred individual. The few friends that I did have rarely ever came over. I pretty much had school friends and church friends, and I didn't generally see either of them outside of the other place. Even today, there are only a handful of any of my junior high/high school friends that I still am in contact with.
As a general rule, I don't call people out when I'm upset about something. 9 times out of 10, if I'm upset, the person never has any indication of it and likely never knows, because I keep my big mouth closed. Call it consideration of their feelings. Call it conflict avoidance. Call it being a scared, nevervous little bitch. I don't really care. But for whatever reason, I'd rather go on with hurt feelings or being annoyed in silence than to let them know that they're upsetting me.
Everything I've mentioned still pretty much holds true today. Though I am coming out of my shell somewhat more than I used to, it's not much. Letting my Halloween costume be decided by other people, completely giving up any say-so as to how I would look at the Halloween party was a huge leap for me. More so than I think people realize. I try to play it off. I even did my best to ignore the fact that my own mother thought I looked trashy. For one night, I was going to let go and try something that I normally would not.
I try to act as normal as absolutely possible, which seems a contridiction for someone who claims to revel in being weird. But the truth is, I desperately want to be accepted, in everything I do.
I'm going to go now. But as a few final notes... to anyone who thinks I have ever talked about you in my writings, thinking that I have been talking about you without mentioning your name, it's not because I'm trying to act all 3rd-graderish about it. If I do that, IF I'm actually talking about you and doing that, it's because my issue is with you alone and I don't want to seem as if I'm pointing fingers and drawing attention to you. It is NOT because I'm trying to be all slick and think you don't know. I don't like calling people out. Period. You want proof of that, you can look back to a few weeks ago when I was upset about somebody in one of my communities. I purposely did not call him out by name in my rants here, not because I thought he wouldn't be able to figure out who I was talking about, but because my problem with him was with him alone. And I was not out to make the entirety of my lj hate him.
But now I'm rambling.
I have apparently upset some of my friends with a post I made. I had a hard time even posting that thing in the first place, because of my fear of people's reactions to it. Seemingly, my fears were quite founded, and I have retracted my post. But, because things I have read this morning have so upset me, not on an angry level but on a deeply hurt level, I have decided to leave lj for awhile. I will still post to Tortuga, because I need that distraction in my life. And I may still read my friends' entries. But I will likely not often comment, if at all.
But mostly, I will not be posting to my journal for a couple of weeks. So, have a nice life. And if you even bothered to read this. Thanks.