and so it goes
I almost forgot how to log into this. I needed a place to scream without actually screaming, and I remembered this.
My grandma and I seem to have this weird pattern, and I doubt anyone else notices it. Or cares. When I was sick for over a year, hardly anyone in my family noticed, let alone said anything to me. Why? Because my grandma was also sick. She gave me chicken pox and I missed a crucial part of school. Of course, all anyone remembers is that she was sick. And now I was supposed to have a graduation party tomorrow, and she fell and broke her hip. We have to cancel because she is having surgery as soon as they can do it.
I'm supposed to call everyone and cancel. I'll have to tell the story fifty times of how I left the house for 30 minutes and during that time she fell and the paramedics came and took her to the hospital. I don't want to do that. I don't want to cancel. This is the only time we can do this, and I only graduate from college once.
All day my mom's been at the hospital. I hate seeing her like this. But I think I hate even more how I feel. It's selfish, and I just don't care. I haven't gotten to celebrate this with my family, and tomorrow so many people were going to be here. I was going to give them copies of my published stories and talk about all the fun I had during my last week. Now if anyone does come to the house, they'll be here to talk about my grandma and they probably won't even remember I graduated, and I won't feel right talking about it.
It feels like nothing can be planned, nothing good can be about to happen, because then there's this.
Even if tomorrow wasn't supposed to be "for me," I'd be feeling this way. It's no secret I have issues with her. When my mom gets home she's going to ask why I haven't called people. I'm going to feel bad that I am just giving my mom more stress, and I'm going to be angry for not sucking it up and being mature and helpful. But what I want is to be honest with mom and tell her that I'm angry this happened, that I just want to be pissed for a while, and that I don't want to tell people the party is canceled because I don't want it to not happen.
Days like this feel huge and somehow empty. It goes on and on but nothing happens, it's just quiet and slow and heavy and the phone is always ringing, but it's never the right person. I want her to come home because I know she needs a break, but I don't want to have to say anything. I don't want to make her angry with me, and I don't want her to see me get upset over this.
My grandma and I seem to have this weird pattern, and I doubt anyone else notices it. Or cares. When I was sick for over a year, hardly anyone in my family noticed, let alone said anything to me. Why? Because my grandma was also sick. She gave me chicken pox and I missed a crucial part of school. Of course, all anyone remembers is that she was sick. And now I was supposed to have a graduation party tomorrow, and she fell and broke her hip. We have to cancel because she is having surgery as soon as they can do it.
I'm supposed to call everyone and cancel. I'll have to tell the story fifty times of how I left the house for 30 minutes and during that time she fell and the paramedics came and took her to the hospital. I don't want to do that. I don't want to cancel. This is the only time we can do this, and I only graduate from college once.
All day my mom's been at the hospital. I hate seeing her like this. But I think I hate even more how I feel. It's selfish, and I just don't care. I haven't gotten to celebrate this with my family, and tomorrow so many people were going to be here. I was going to give them copies of my published stories and talk about all the fun I had during my last week. Now if anyone does come to the house, they'll be here to talk about my grandma and they probably won't even remember I graduated, and I won't feel right talking about it.
It feels like nothing can be planned, nothing good can be about to happen, because then there's this.
Even if tomorrow wasn't supposed to be "for me," I'd be feeling this way. It's no secret I have issues with her. When my mom gets home she's going to ask why I haven't called people. I'm going to feel bad that I am just giving my mom more stress, and I'm going to be angry for not sucking it up and being mature and helpful. But what I want is to be honest with mom and tell her that I'm angry this happened, that I just want to be pissed for a while, and that I don't want to tell people the party is canceled because I don't want it to not happen.
Days like this feel huge and somehow empty. It goes on and on but nothing happens, it's just quiet and slow and heavy and the phone is always ringing, but it's never the right person. I want her to come home because I know she needs a break, but I don't want to have to say anything. I don't want to make her angry with me, and I don't want her to see me get upset over this.