Dis Aliter Visum - Chapter 66 - 2,538 words
Note: Another chapter where nothing happens.
Beta-reader: PlatinumOwl.
Chapter summary: Realizations.
Chapter 66
Kurapica awoke to the smell of coffee. Having slept a good portion of the previous day, he'd read until very late and had only gone to sleep when he'd noticed the sky getting brighter with the predawn. He cracked one eye open, and there was Kuroro, sitting on the edge of his bed, sipping from a mug and watching him. Seeing the blond was awake, he smiled. “Good morning,” he greeted cheerfully. “I made coffee.”
He pointed to the nightstand, where there was another steaming cup. Kurapica turned onto his back with a groan before stretching from head to toe. His sleeveless top hitched higher and he quickly lowered it before Kuroro could do something horribly embarrassing again. Pushing himself into a seated position, he hid a yawn behind one hand before raking his fingers through his hair. He tried blinking the sleep from his eyes and was only partially successful at best. He reached for the mug. “Are we leaving today?” he questioned, curious.
“Yes,” Kuroro confirmed. “It will take us a few days to reach Mir-Idlin. We might as well get started now.”
Kurapica nodded and took a sip of coffee. He glanced at Kuroro as he swallowed. “Must you always stare at me like this?” he asked.
“Like what?” Kuroro wanted to know. He brought his own mug to his lips, eyes still on Kurapica above the rim of the cup.
The blond shrugged. “Just - stop waking me up by staring at me, it's creepy.”
Kuroro swallowed his mouthful of caffeine, his eyebrows raising high on his forehead. “Creepy?”
“Yes,” Kurapica insisted. “Creepy.”
“How would you like to be awoken, then?” Kuroro prodded.
“I don't know,” the blond replied. “Anything but you just staring at me. Poke or nudge or at least blink once in a while.”
“I blink,” the older man pointed out, an amused smile on his lips. “You're just not awake to see it.”
“Whatever.” Kurapica decided to focus on his coffee. This conversation was going nowhere anyway.
Kuroro patted him twice on the side of his hip. “Finish your coffee and get ready. I'd like to sleep at an inn or something tonight, which means we'll have to make good time if we want to reach a town where we'll have a better chance of finding a bed to sleep on.”
The Spider Head got up and took the few steps that separated him from the door. He turned around, so Kurapica set his coffee down and shuffled to the edge of the bed and put his feet on the floor. “I'm up, I'm up,” he assured him. He stood and picked up his coffee mug again. He drained it in one go and walked to Kuroro. He handed him the empty cup.
Kuroro's eyebrows arched up again. An amused smile tugged at his lips, but he didn't comment. He took the mug from him and left the room. Kurapica went to take a shower. He wore his regular jeans and a tank top, then slipped a loose blouse on top, meaning to take it off in the car. Rather than wear makeup, he opted for a pair of large sunglasses. As soon as their things were all packed up, they left. Kuroro had acquired a car somehow. Kurapica didn't want to know where he'd gotten the sleek blue thing. He doubted it had been paid for, in any case. A quick stop to buy food for the trip, then another quick detour towards a drive-through for some decent coffee and breakfast, then they were on their way.
Kurapica turned on the radio and found a classical music station. When he was done eating, he took a book out and pretended to read. In truth, his mind was roiling, his thoughts furiously whirling around, and none of the words on the pages of his novel really registered. He caught Kuroro glancing at him a few times, but he was resolute to ignore him. He pretended not to notice him, although he certainly did.
As soon as they left the suburbs behind, Kurapica took off the blouse and slipped on a T-shirt as best he could, considering that he had a seat-belt on. It took a bit of manoeuvring, but he managed. It was easier to read without sunglasses on, but it was harder to pretend to, when his eyes weren't hidden. After a while, he chucked the book onto the back seat and turned slightly towards the car door. He pretended to sleep instead.
Things were bad. Things were extremely bad, and he wasn't sure what to do about any of it anymore. This... thing that he had with the Ryodan leader was not supposed to shake him as thoroughly as it had. He'd had a goal, had something he meant to do with this, but his little game had played him. There was simply no way that he could keep the man at a distance anymore.
He'd pull through, in the end. He couldn't see how he would manage at the moment, but he'd find the strength to keep some part of himself, at least. The Spider Head was cunning, and it seemed like everything that he did or said had multiple layers, composed of various degrees of honesty or deceit. Kurapica didn't know how to distinguish lies from truths, so he tried to assume that every word out of his mouth was a lie, yet the fact that the things Kuroro said were getting to him somehow proved that he was failing horribly.
This had been the question from the very beginning, hadn't it? Could he keep his head? From the very first time that he'd considered taking the older man on his proposition - and that he'd even considered it to begin with was a miracle in and of itself - he'd wondered where the line was. He'd had no experience before him, and it was really hard figuring out what the emotions raging inside of him amounted to. Passion, lust, desire, or actual, actual affection?
It had been easier to think of it in terms of lust. Physical attraction. Desire. It was all so much easier to brush it off as just his body finally demanding he act his age. Teenage years were supposed to be a time where one was more likely to indulge in these things, according to what he'd read back when, well, back when he started developing feelings for one of his new friends. The Hunter exam seemed so far, a whole lifetime ago. Damn, he hoped he hadn't made a horrible mistake there. It was hard to think of Leorio and not feel like this was all wrong.
“What are you thinking about?” Kuroro asked him.
Kurapica smoothed his features. “Nothing,” he said. “I'm sleeping.” Well, obviously not. “Trying to,” he amended.
“You were frowning,” the older man remarked. “Whatever your thoughts were, they can't be helping you sleep.”
“I was thinking I had too much coffee to manage a nap,” the blond lied.
Kuroro chuckled, a soft, deep sound that did something funny inside his chest. Kuroro. When had Kurapica started thinking of him as Kuroro? Not the Spider Head, not the Ryodan leader or bastard or even jerk, but Kuroro. His name. His first name. If it was indeed his name and not another lie.
Man, it was all messed up.
“You're frowning again,” the older man pointed out.
“I know,” he grumbled. “Leave me alone.”
A few kilometres went on in silence, something that Kurapica was grateful for. Not that it helped him put his thoughts in order. His ears were still listening intently for any sound from Ku- from the Spider Head. His chest still felt tight; his feelings and his head were a complete mess. Eventually, the sound of the wheels on the asphalt and the gentle vibration of the car lulled him to sleep.
He awoke with a start and sat up. Kuroro glanced at him. The blond blinked a few times, then tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. A few more blinks and he hid a yawn behind one hand before glancing at the clock on the dashboard. It was nearing one in the afternoon.
As if he'd followed his train of thoughts, the older man asked, “Hungry?”
“A little,” Kurapica had to admit. He looked around, trying to get his bearings. They were on a quiet road, driving through a woodland with little underbrush and very tall trees. “Where are we?”
“Nowhere, really.” Kurapica sent his companion - were they companions now?! - a look. “I'm serious,” Kuroro insisted. “We drove through Haewos half an hour ago, and won't see another town until nightfall. We're in the middle of nowhere.”
He slowed down and pulled over, carefully driving off of the road and under the trees. He put the car in park, undid his seat-belt and reached back for the bags of food that were on the bottom of the car, behind Kurapica's seat. He pulled one onto his lap, dug around for a sandwich and handed it to Kurapica. The blond looked at him for a moment. Why wasn't he just helping himself? He didn't need to give him this. Realizing that he was staring, Kurapica took the small triangular box. “Thank you,” he acknowledged politely before he unfastened his own seat-belt.
Kuroro hummed in response, dug through the bag and retrieved another sandwich before setting it back behind the passenger seat. He peeled the plastic front off and got half of his meal out, then met Kurapica's eyes. The blond realized that he'd been staring. He opened his own container. They ate in silence for some time, until the older man chucked the empty package on the back seat.
“So what's got you so pensive?” he asked Kurapica.
The younger man glanced back at the small container and made a face, then glanced down at his own. He took out the second half of his sandwich and took a bite, trying to gain himself some time to figure out how to answer the question.
“The past,” he finally said, truthfully enough.
Kuroro stretched his arm back behind his seat and fished out a bottle of water from another bag. “Yeah?” he prodded, uncapping it. He took a sip. “Anything specific?”
“The Hunter exam,” the Kuruta told him, because it was the safest answer.
“You kept making faces,” Kuroro pointed out. “I know the test is supposed to be gruelling, but is it really that bad?”
Kurapica glanced at him. “I doubt you'd find it difficult.” He wasn't hungry anymore, so he put the rest of his sandwich back in the little container. A shadow fell across him and he looked up just in time for Kuroro to catch his lips in a kiss. It was chaste, certainly nowhere near as provocative as other things they had done, yet it left him breathless, his heart beating so fast and loud, he thought it would come out of his chest.
When he pulled away, Kuroro was holding the rest of his lunch. “Thank you,” he drawled and took the rest of his sandwich back out of the plastic box before taking a bite.
Kurapica was frozen in place. He realized that he was gaping, but he couldn't will himself to move for the longest time. When his brain finally rebooted, he protested, “That's my lunch!” As if this was what had shocked him.
“So?” Kuroro asked, finishing the food. “You weren't eating it.” The box joined the first one on the back seat.
“That's no reason to steal it,” Kurapica grumbled. “What if I wanted to eat the rest later?”
“We've got plenty more food,” Kuroro pointed out. He glanced at him and had a sly sort of grin. Kurapica was instantly on his guards. “I don't think the sandwich is the problem,” the Spider Head said. He leaned into his space again and Kurapica had to resist the urge to back away. “I think, rather,” he began, holding the blond's chin gently between his thumb and fingers, “that this unsettles you now.” He closed the distance between them once more.
This kiss was more insistent, Kuroro's lips nibbling at his own. He kept it slow, firm but gentle. He didn't push it too far, kept it mostly close-mouthed and pulled away after a moment. Before Kurapica could move away, the older man slid his fingers into his hair, fingers tangling in the blond strands and pulled him into another one. He hummed against the younger man's mouth and Kurapica took in a shaky breath. Parting his lips turned out to be a bad idea. The kiss turned deeper, hotter and Kuroro's fingers were digging nearly painfully into the back of his skull. His teeth scraped over Kurapica's lower lip and it was suddenly the blond's turn to get more forceful. Before he even realized what he was doing, he grabbed Kuroro's shirt collar and pulled him in. There was nothing gentle about this kiss. Kuroro's hand fell to his far hip and he pulled him in. The gear stick jammed into Kurapica's thigh and he pulled away.
“Enough!” he growled. “That's enough.” He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, sitting back against the passenger door. When he looked up, the look on Kuroro's face took his breath away. “We have, have to be in town by nightfall, don't we?” he managed when the tightness that had suddenly gripped his throat relented. “We should go.” He wet his lips. “Stop looking at me like that!”
Kuroro's face closed up. “Like what?”
“Just, just drive,” Kurapica urged him. He turned away, ostensibly so that he could fetch his seat-belt, but really, just so he didn't have to see the naked desire in the older man's eyes. Desire and something else, something he didn't understand, something that scared him. It wasn't the cold, calculating look that he'd had at the beginning of this mad little adventure. It was softer, more open, honest.
It terrified him.
There was a long moment of silence, then Kuroro twisted the key in the ignition and drove back onto the road. He stepped on the accelerator, going way above the speed limit now, but Kurapica couldn't find it in himself to protest. He just didn't want to talk or look at him anymore. He refused to feel guilty, but it still gnawed at him, the rest of the day. Fast as they were going, they reached a small hamlet just before sunset. There was a small inn, but it was full. They drove on.
An hour later, they reached a more sizable town where they found an inn that had a room available. As luck would have it, there was only the one bed, but Kurapica refused to let it get to him. He got out of the blouse he'd slipped back on, took off his jeans and got into a pair of cotton pants. He slipped under the blankets, his back to Kuroro, and listened to the sounds coming from the older man as he, too, changed into his sleepwear.
Then Kuroro got into bed as well and the blond tensed up somewhat, expecting him to perhaps touch him, or something. Minutes passed, or maybe it was hours. He couldn't tell. It was if the world was holding its breath and waiting. Or maybe he was.
It took him a long, long time to fall asleep.
Beta-reader: PlatinumOwl.
Chapter summary: Realizations.
Chapter 66
Kurapica awoke to the smell of coffee. Having slept a good portion of the previous day, he'd read until very late and had only gone to sleep when he'd noticed the sky getting brighter with the predawn. He cracked one eye open, and there was Kuroro, sitting on the edge of his bed, sipping from a mug and watching him. Seeing the blond was awake, he smiled. “Good morning,” he greeted cheerfully. “I made coffee.”
He pointed to the nightstand, where there was another steaming cup. Kurapica turned onto his back with a groan before stretching from head to toe. His sleeveless top hitched higher and he quickly lowered it before Kuroro could do something horribly embarrassing again. Pushing himself into a seated position, he hid a yawn behind one hand before raking his fingers through his hair. He tried blinking the sleep from his eyes and was only partially successful at best. He reached for the mug. “Are we leaving today?” he questioned, curious.
“Yes,” Kuroro confirmed. “It will take us a few days to reach Mir-Idlin. We might as well get started now.”
Kurapica nodded and took a sip of coffee. He glanced at Kuroro as he swallowed. “Must you always stare at me like this?” he asked.
“Like what?” Kuroro wanted to know. He brought his own mug to his lips, eyes still on Kurapica above the rim of the cup.
The blond shrugged. “Just - stop waking me up by staring at me, it's creepy.”
Kuroro swallowed his mouthful of caffeine, his eyebrows raising high on his forehead. “Creepy?”
“Yes,” Kurapica insisted. “Creepy.”
“How would you like to be awoken, then?” Kuroro prodded.
“I don't know,” the blond replied. “Anything but you just staring at me. Poke or nudge or at least blink once in a while.”
“I blink,” the older man pointed out, an amused smile on his lips. “You're just not awake to see it.”
“Whatever.” Kurapica decided to focus on his coffee. This conversation was going nowhere anyway.
Kuroro patted him twice on the side of his hip. “Finish your coffee and get ready. I'd like to sleep at an inn or something tonight, which means we'll have to make good time if we want to reach a town where we'll have a better chance of finding a bed to sleep on.”
The Spider Head got up and took the few steps that separated him from the door. He turned around, so Kurapica set his coffee down and shuffled to the edge of the bed and put his feet on the floor. “I'm up, I'm up,” he assured him. He stood and picked up his coffee mug again. He drained it in one go and walked to Kuroro. He handed him the empty cup.
Kuroro's eyebrows arched up again. An amused smile tugged at his lips, but he didn't comment. He took the mug from him and left the room. Kurapica went to take a shower. He wore his regular jeans and a tank top, then slipped a loose blouse on top, meaning to take it off in the car. Rather than wear makeup, he opted for a pair of large sunglasses. As soon as their things were all packed up, they left. Kuroro had acquired a car somehow. Kurapica didn't want to know where he'd gotten the sleek blue thing. He doubted it had been paid for, in any case. A quick stop to buy food for the trip, then another quick detour towards a drive-through for some decent coffee and breakfast, then they were on their way.
Kurapica turned on the radio and found a classical music station. When he was done eating, he took a book out and pretended to read. In truth, his mind was roiling, his thoughts furiously whirling around, and none of the words on the pages of his novel really registered. He caught Kuroro glancing at him a few times, but he was resolute to ignore him. He pretended not to notice him, although he certainly did.
As soon as they left the suburbs behind, Kurapica took off the blouse and slipped on a T-shirt as best he could, considering that he had a seat-belt on. It took a bit of manoeuvring, but he managed. It was easier to read without sunglasses on, but it was harder to pretend to, when his eyes weren't hidden. After a while, he chucked the book onto the back seat and turned slightly towards the car door. He pretended to sleep instead.
Things were bad. Things were extremely bad, and he wasn't sure what to do about any of it anymore. This... thing that he had with the Ryodan leader was not supposed to shake him as thoroughly as it had. He'd had a goal, had something he meant to do with this, but his little game had played him. There was simply no way that he could keep the man at a distance anymore.
He'd pull through, in the end. He couldn't see how he would manage at the moment, but he'd find the strength to keep some part of himself, at least. The Spider Head was cunning, and it seemed like everything that he did or said had multiple layers, composed of various degrees of honesty or deceit. Kurapica didn't know how to distinguish lies from truths, so he tried to assume that every word out of his mouth was a lie, yet the fact that the things Kuroro said were getting to him somehow proved that he was failing horribly.
This had been the question from the very beginning, hadn't it? Could he keep his head? From the very first time that he'd considered taking the older man on his proposition - and that he'd even considered it to begin with was a miracle in and of itself - he'd wondered where the line was. He'd had no experience before him, and it was really hard figuring out what the emotions raging inside of him amounted to. Passion, lust, desire, or actual, actual affection?
It had been easier to think of it in terms of lust. Physical attraction. Desire. It was all so much easier to brush it off as just his body finally demanding he act his age. Teenage years were supposed to be a time where one was more likely to indulge in these things, according to what he'd read back when, well, back when he started developing feelings for one of his new friends. The Hunter exam seemed so far, a whole lifetime ago. Damn, he hoped he hadn't made a horrible mistake there. It was hard to think of Leorio and not feel like this was all wrong.
“What are you thinking about?” Kuroro asked him.
Kurapica smoothed his features. “Nothing,” he said. “I'm sleeping.” Well, obviously not. “Trying to,” he amended.
“You were frowning,” the older man remarked. “Whatever your thoughts were, they can't be helping you sleep.”
“I was thinking I had too much coffee to manage a nap,” the blond lied.
Kuroro chuckled, a soft, deep sound that did something funny inside his chest. Kuroro. When had Kurapica started thinking of him as Kuroro? Not the Spider Head, not the Ryodan leader or bastard or even jerk, but Kuroro. His name. His first name. If it was indeed his name and not another lie.
Man, it was all messed up.
“You're frowning again,” the older man pointed out.
“I know,” he grumbled. “Leave me alone.”
A few kilometres went on in silence, something that Kurapica was grateful for. Not that it helped him put his thoughts in order. His ears were still listening intently for any sound from Ku- from the Spider Head. His chest still felt tight; his feelings and his head were a complete mess. Eventually, the sound of the wheels on the asphalt and the gentle vibration of the car lulled him to sleep.
He awoke with a start and sat up. Kuroro glanced at him. The blond blinked a few times, then tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. A few more blinks and he hid a yawn behind one hand before glancing at the clock on the dashboard. It was nearing one in the afternoon.
As if he'd followed his train of thoughts, the older man asked, “Hungry?”
“A little,” Kurapica had to admit. He looked around, trying to get his bearings. They were on a quiet road, driving through a woodland with little underbrush and very tall trees. “Where are we?”
“Nowhere, really.” Kurapica sent his companion - were they companions now?! - a look. “I'm serious,” Kuroro insisted. “We drove through Haewos half an hour ago, and won't see another town until nightfall. We're in the middle of nowhere.”
He slowed down and pulled over, carefully driving off of the road and under the trees. He put the car in park, undid his seat-belt and reached back for the bags of food that were on the bottom of the car, behind Kurapica's seat. He pulled one onto his lap, dug around for a sandwich and handed it to Kurapica. The blond looked at him for a moment. Why wasn't he just helping himself? He didn't need to give him this. Realizing that he was staring, Kurapica took the small triangular box. “Thank you,” he acknowledged politely before he unfastened his own seat-belt.
Kuroro hummed in response, dug through the bag and retrieved another sandwich before setting it back behind the passenger seat. He peeled the plastic front off and got half of his meal out, then met Kurapica's eyes. The blond realized that he'd been staring. He opened his own container. They ate in silence for some time, until the older man chucked the empty package on the back seat.
“So what's got you so pensive?” he asked Kurapica.
The younger man glanced back at the small container and made a face, then glanced down at his own. He took out the second half of his sandwich and took a bite, trying to gain himself some time to figure out how to answer the question.
“The past,” he finally said, truthfully enough.
Kuroro stretched his arm back behind his seat and fished out a bottle of water from another bag. “Yeah?” he prodded, uncapping it. He took a sip. “Anything specific?”
“The Hunter exam,” the Kuruta told him, because it was the safest answer.
“You kept making faces,” Kuroro pointed out. “I know the test is supposed to be gruelling, but is it really that bad?”
Kurapica glanced at him. “I doubt you'd find it difficult.” He wasn't hungry anymore, so he put the rest of his sandwich back in the little container. A shadow fell across him and he looked up just in time for Kuroro to catch his lips in a kiss. It was chaste, certainly nowhere near as provocative as other things they had done, yet it left him breathless, his heart beating so fast and loud, he thought it would come out of his chest.
When he pulled away, Kuroro was holding the rest of his lunch. “Thank you,” he drawled and took the rest of his sandwich back out of the plastic box before taking a bite.
Kurapica was frozen in place. He realized that he was gaping, but he couldn't will himself to move for the longest time. When his brain finally rebooted, he protested, “That's my lunch!” As if this was what had shocked him.
“So?” Kuroro asked, finishing the food. “You weren't eating it.” The box joined the first one on the back seat.
“That's no reason to steal it,” Kurapica grumbled. “What if I wanted to eat the rest later?”
“We've got plenty more food,” Kuroro pointed out. He glanced at him and had a sly sort of grin. Kurapica was instantly on his guards. “I don't think the sandwich is the problem,” the Spider Head said. He leaned into his space again and Kurapica had to resist the urge to back away. “I think, rather,” he began, holding the blond's chin gently between his thumb and fingers, “that this unsettles you now.” He closed the distance between them once more.
This kiss was more insistent, Kuroro's lips nibbling at his own. He kept it slow, firm but gentle. He didn't push it too far, kept it mostly close-mouthed and pulled away after a moment. Before Kurapica could move away, the older man slid his fingers into his hair, fingers tangling in the blond strands and pulled him into another one. He hummed against the younger man's mouth and Kurapica took in a shaky breath. Parting his lips turned out to be a bad idea. The kiss turned deeper, hotter and Kuroro's fingers were digging nearly painfully into the back of his skull. His teeth scraped over Kurapica's lower lip and it was suddenly the blond's turn to get more forceful. Before he even realized what he was doing, he grabbed Kuroro's shirt collar and pulled him in. There was nothing gentle about this kiss. Kuroro's hand fell to his far hip and he pulled him in. The gear stick jammed into Kurapica's thigh and he pulled away.
“Enough!” he growled. “That's enough.” He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, sitting back against the passenger door. When he looked up, the look on Kuroro's face took his breath away. “We have, have to be in town by nightfall, don't we?” he managed when the tightness that had suddenly gripped his throat relented. “We should go.” He wet his lips. “Stop looking at me like that!”
Kuroro's face closed up. “Like what?”
“Just, just drive,” Kurapica urged him. He turned away, ostensibly so that he could fetch his seat-belt, but really, just so he didn't have to see the naked desire in the older man's eyes. Desire and something else, something he didn't understand, something that scared him. It wasn't the cold, calculating look that he'd had at the beginning of this mad little adventure. It was softer, more open, honest.
It terrified him.
There was a long moment of silence, then Kuroro twisted the key in the ignition and drove back onto the road. He stepped on the accelerator, going way above the speed limit now, but Kurapica couldn't find it in himself to protest. He just didn't want to talk or look at him anymore. He refused to feel guilty, but it still gnawed at him, the rest of the day. Fast as they were going, they reached a small hamlet just before sunset. There was a small inn, but it was full. They drove on.
An hour later, they reached a more sizable town where they found an inn that had a room available. As luck would have it, there was only the one bed, but Kurapica refused to let it get to him. He got out of the blouse he'd slipped back on, took off his jeans and got into a pair of cotton pants. He slipped under the blankets, his back to Kuroro, and listened to the sounds coming from the older man as he, too, changed into his sleepwear.
Then Kuroro got into bed as well and the blond tensed up somewhat, expecting him to perhaps touch him, or something. Minutes passed, or maybe it was hours. He couldn't tell. It was if the world was holding its breath and waiting. Or maybe he was.
It took him a long, long time to fall asleep.