(no subject)
oops i crapped my pants.
i have seriously been sick all day. first it began with unsurmountable depression, followed by an upset stomach. nothing seems to shake me out of it. my head feels groggy as if I were sticking it upside down and under water. I'm suprised at how many words i keep having to come back and add; i'm skipping too far ahead. i had a friend also, and now i don't. i haven't really talked to anyone at all. i work and come home. i miss my daughter unbelievably. like mad. i feel like a dog with no skeletal system. a bloodhound. so i try to think, i have a daughter and i need to be strong. someone at brett's job gets fired tomorrow and it might even be him. i am having trouble dealing with his jealousies, his attitude, his general negativity.
i had a dream where a customer came to the counter and gave me an attitude. i then proceeded to repeatedly bash their head into the counter. gerald says that he doesn't allow work to come into dreams. he usually has nightmares. well, eh this was a nightmare. promotion seems vague and unprofitable. i have to wait until the author comes. then it is based on an interview and my ideas. supervisors have become friendlier as if they see i potentially might become lateral. one of the music selections got changed. our district manager came and complemented us on our music selection. my manager mentioned how she went into the coconut grove stor
e and swore she heard hip hop playing. oh, the coconut grove store. i smell tea. do tea trees smell of tea? I don't mean maleleuca alternifolia...I'm sure I spelled that wrong. Working in a health food store has failed me for sure.
I have to fight the urge to to NOT feel like dying. I got a stupid new comforter and burke got towed, so i feel like i took money away from my daughter's unforms for school. I screwed that up.
Any other friend wouldn't be chopped liver. I was feeling that life seemed pointless and I realized that there are some things I can somewhat control. However, the universe's components explained that they didn't make much of an effort either. Defense mechanisms during times of ultimate worry and potential sadness seem to be kicking in. But what do I know? I probably have the disease my mother has. She started 'slipping' at around age 34. I do fear it. I fear the way I see my mother. I fear it the way I cannot face my mother. I fear it the way I do when people ask for gun magazines. The way people glamorize instances that have never happened to them, such as when they put fake bullet holes on their automobiles. I fear it the way I threw away email addresses in fear. Only to wonder if they're stashed in books or if I'm just a chapter in one of yours. You who won't look and will never know because you have mistakenly categorized me as the hurtful or something. Why reread something someone has already read unless they're convinced it will be enriching or fondly memorable? To be likened unto something which one is not. To be misunderstood. Ultimately, to feel sad. Or distant and confused. To think one is misjudging and to passively hurt partially due to an inability to change anything. I hope it felt good to make me cry. Because god damnit I wouldn't have tried to do that to you. I thought in the very least, if every thing is pointless, it is nice to be able to share that marvelous thought with someone. But I guess people have better things to do. Fuck, my eyes are red again. Pinnochio is now a boy, who wants to turn back into a toy. Hell.
I miss Burke sometimes. I just feel utterly confused and I feel like my life is heading in a direction that I cannot even control. I now believe I am a passenger. I am so afraid to decide anything for fear that I will make more ridiculous decisions. I am not the friend who idly sits by and doesn't care. I am the friend who comes to her senses to find out the situation is reversed. If everything else was shit, I thought at least I was realizing some of the important things; like i was able to rate them, put them in a certain order. I stood all day at work just hoping no one would need help. To just want to pretend not to hear additional 'oh yeah's as I tried to walk away because supposedly I had already helped them. Then to work by myself practically all day and poof. Supervisors all came in at 3, and while they didn't truly interfere, they didn't realize that somehow I had gotten everything done and I wasn't even motherfucking supervised. They just seem to be so worried that don't look like leaders. Their jobs are redundant. They should just get all their particular jobs done and realize that some of their coworkers actually have figured out much of what their doing. I feel like the only reason they have positions is so that someone can delegate what to do. If it were all already delegated, their positions wouldn't even be needed. 4 supervisors is more than anyone needs during a shift. At one time. It is seriously as if, 'here. i have some more work for you.' If they would just leave it open then it could all be SEEN by all of us, and we wouldn't have to wait for a special supervisor to come along and approve it to be done. To say, 'look, here's a piece of paper i printed from the computer so that i can physically hand it to you and tell you to do it.' If every week the paper's were set out, it would get done, eliminating the need for their position. Many jobs do just fine without having only certain people allowed to do 'no sales' and everyone having to get checked out even if they don't visit the back room. And the new cafe procedures are utterly daft. If our cafe was numero uno, does changing it make it more efficient? Not when the new procedures make it difficult for us to do our jobs. And I get to open there tomorrow.
So leave. Abandon. Go or go ahead and suprise me. Most importantly, how would one feel if something happened to me tonight and I was gone? That is how one should treat people. Not with 'i don't really cares.' I am sorry other people's lives are hard. But it takes more than one person to make an effort and HELLO? Other people have hardships as well. Just abandon people though. Well I am gotten back. I do say there is something super special about 'the power of intention.' Intentionally hurt me when I wouldn't do the same. I'm not surprised. Most people would rather do that than try to understand. Do things the easiest, safest, and the most efficient way possible. That is the key to a fulfilling life, I guess. I am dizzy as if I am in a smoky roller rink or a dance hall. And to know I will never be able to share my thoughts. They'll just go unseen. To not be able to say, 'you're wrong!' I'm sitting in this room, but I am really in a car and I am next to plenty of people in their own fishbowls and they are completely oblivious to me. Tears can just go down my face and I just keep realizing I am simply in a fucking trance but I'm unable to move. No one looks over because then they might acknowledge their own helplessness. I don't know if people going in different directions have more control and I don't know if I'm drowning in this. I am really depressed. Today, I am barely making it. Not to rhyme, but I am having trouble faking it. Maybe faking it has helped me a lot. But I'm not feeling very authentic right now. I can't even hold myself. It literally feels as if any moment I'm going to drop. I don't know how I am going to handle driving and picking up Brett. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's pretty bad right now.
i have seriously been sick all day. first it began with unsurmountable depression, followed by an upset stomach. nothing seems to shake me out of it. my head feels groggy as if I were sticking it upside down and under water. I'm suprised at how many words i keep having to come back and add; i'm skipping too far ahead. i had a friend also, and now i don't. i haven't really talked to anyone at all. i work and come home. i miss my daughter unbelievably. like mad. i feel like a dog with no skeletal system. a bloodhound. so i try to think, i have a daughter and i need to be strong. someone at brett's job gets fired tomorrow and it might even be him. i am having trouble dealing with his jealousies, his attitude, his general negativity.
i had a dream where a customer came to the counter and gave me an attitude. i then proceeded to repeatedly bash their head into the counter. gerald says that he doesn't allow work to come into dreams. he usually has nightmares. well, eh this was a nightmare. promotion seems vague and unprofitable. i have to wait until the author comes. then it is based on an interview and my ideas. supervisors have become friendlier as if they see i potentially might become lateral. one of the music selections got changed. our district manager came and complemented us on our music selection. my manager mentioned how she went into the coconut grove stor
e and swore she heard hip hop playing. oh, the coconut grove store. i smell tea. do tea trees smell of tea? I don't mean maleleuca alternifolia...I'm sure I spelled that wrong. Working in a health food store has failed me for sure.
I have to fight the urge to to NOT feel like dying. I got a stupid new comforter and burke got towed, so i feel like i took money away from my daughter's unforms for school. I screwed that up.
Any other friend wouldn't be chopped liver. I was feeling that life seemed pointless and I realized that there are some things I can somewhat control. However, the universe's components explained that they didn't make much of an effort either. Defense mechanisms during times of ultimate worry and potential sadness seem to be kicking in. But what do I know? I probably have the disease my mother has. She started 'slipping' at around age 34. I do fear it. I fear the way I see my mother. I fear it the way I cannot face my mother. I fear it the way I do when people ask for gun magazines. The way people glamorize instances that have never happened to them, such as when they put fake bullet holes on their automobiles. I fear it the way I threw away email addresses in fear. Only to wonder if they're stashed in books or if I'm just a chapter in one of yours. You who won't look and will never know because you have mistakenly categorized me as the hurtful or something. Why reread something someone has already read unless they're convinced it will be enriching or fondly memorable? To be likened unto something which one is not. To be misunderstood. Ultimately, to feel sad. Or distant and confused. To think one is misjudging and to passively hurt partially due to an inability to change anything. I hope it felt good to make me cry. Because god damnit I wouldn't have tried to do that to you. I thought in the very least, if every thing is pointless, it is nice to be able to share that marvelous thought with someone. But I guess people have better things to do. Fuck, my eyes are red again. Pinnochio is now a boy, who wants to turn back into a toy. Hell.
I miss Burke sometimes. I just feel utterly confused and I feel like my life is heading in a direction that I cannot even control. I now believe I am a passenger. I am so afraid to decide anything for fear that I will make more ridiculous decisions. I am not the friend who idly sits by and doesn't care. I am the friend who comes to her senses to find out the situation is reversed. If everything else was shit, I thought at least I was realizing some of the important things; like i was able to rate them, put them in a certain order. I stood all day at work just hoping no one would need help. To just want to pretend not to hear additional 'oh yeah's as I tried to walk away because supposedly I had already helped them. Then to work by myself practically all day and poof. Supervisors all came in at 3, and while they didn't truly interfere, they didn't realize that somehow I had gotten everything done and I wasn't even motherfucking supervised. They just seem to be so worried that don't look like leaders. Their jobs are redundant. They should just get all their particular jobs done and realize that some of their coworkers actually have figured out much of what their doing. I feel like the only reason they have positions is so that someone can delegate what to do. If it were all already delegated, their positions wouldn't even be needed. 4 supervisors is more than anyone needs during a shift. At one time. It is seriously as if, 'here. i have some more work for you.' If they would just leave it open then it could all be SEEN by all of us, and we wouldn't have to wait for a special supervisor to come along and approve it to be done. To say, 'look, here's a piece of paper i printed from the computer so that i can physically hand it to you and tell you to do it.' If every week the paper's were set out, it would get done, eliminating the need for their position. Many jobs do just fine without having only certain people allowed to do 'no sales' and everyone having to get checked out even if they don't visit the back room. And the new cafe procedures are utterly daft. If our cafe was numero uno, does changing it make it more efficient? Not when the new procedures make it difficult for us to do our jobs. And I get to open there tomorrow.
So leave. Abandon. Go or go ahead and suprise me. Most importantly, how would one feel if something happened to me tonight and I was gone? That is how one should treat people. Not with 'i don't really cares.' I am sorry other people's lives are hard. But it takes more than one person to make an effort and HELLO? Other people have hardships as well. Just abandon people though. Well I am gotten back. I do say there is something super special about 'the power of intention.' Intentionally hurt me when I wouldn't do the same. I'm not surprised. Most people would rather do that than try to understand. Do things the easiest, safest, and the most efficient way possible. That is the key to a fulfilling life, I guess. I am dizzy as if I am in a smoky roller rink or a dance hall. And to know I will never be able to share my thoughts. They'll just go unseen. To not be able to say, 'you're wrong!' I'm sitting in this room, but I am really in a car and I am next to plenty of people in their own fishbowls and they are completely oblivious to me. Tears can just go down my face and I just keep realizing I am simply in a fucking trance but I'm unable to move. No one looks over because then they might acknowledge their own helplessness. I don't know if people going in different directions have more control and I don't know if I'm drowning in this. I am really depressed. Today, I am barely making it. Not to rhyme, but I am having trouble faking it. Maybe faking it has helped me a lot. But I'm not feeling very authentic right now. I can't even hold myself. It literally feels as if any moment I'm going to drop. I don't know how I am going to handle driving and picking up Brett. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's pretty bad right now.