Day 2 of New Neighbors
The spaghettis are telling me that this is perfect. This is the way things should be. I made perfect al dente spaghetti. I added cheap sauce and yet the pure perfection of my spaghetti is universally telling me that this is how things should be.
I saw Robin and Jenny today. They came into work. Apparently, they both work for a school. I realized my job is great if one is on a diet. One cannot afford to buy food. This means I spent my whole paycheck already. I did have one observation of a feeling I had come over me at some point. I wondered if Robin feels sorry for me. It is the first time I ever spoke to someone and felt like they wanted to talk to me because they figure I have a complex and wouldn't want to make my life worse. After all, it's no big deal to be nice to someone who is slightly off. It's like the mentally retarded person I"m nice to. I answer her questions except when they're too extreme. Par exemple, today out of nowhere(s) she asked me what I think they should have done about September 11th? 'I'm the wrong person to ask.' I mean, I don't have a formal opinion on that and even if I did, I don't have time to explain it when I'm on the book floor. I figure, I have a cousin who is mentally retarded and it won't hurt me to be nice to the lady. It's that kind of thing. Then there's the flash of the disturbing thought 'What if i'm just being paranoid?' It feels cheap to think that. Like an old nickel.
I live in an efficiency attached to a house. It has wood floors. Crikes. Ignore my typos. I am feeling utterly dyslexic and out of socket.
I like to say things that don't make any sense. Make up my own cliches. I suppose I think I'm terribly interesting. I know no one reads this crap.
I wrote two songs and now they sound commercial as hell. Is this because the radio in my mind overplayed them? Guaranteed once every hour.
I dropped K off the other day and Burke was sleeping. What kind of mother am I that I have to subject her to this? I'd like to think that if he had some room to be by himself more that he would be more centered and actually clean up. My nervous thought is that it was make barely any difference. That it's an excuse. That I excuse him all the time. I really hope he allows for time for physical contact with her and play time with her. I have read some things on ADD children that I'm anxious to tell him about. He can be a good listener. He has positive attributes. I'm trying to work hard on myself. Is it because I have more room to do so? I think it's important to recognize my own disabilities. Uh oh, I went on an analyze Misty vacation.
I did realize something really ,really important today. I have been realizing it more so, but today was the peak. I have read this ambivalent man book. towards the end, I didn't need it anymore. My punctuation jumps up and down. I don't know why. Capitalize this; omit that. I got to the chapter about why I am possibily attracted to ambivalent men. I had some vague idea to the effect already, but the reason for me was "mourn your teenage years.' I had idealized a male prototype. I had not officially dated someone in which I had feelings for in high school. It haunted me for a long time. He decided that he did have feelings for me, and I was over it on a surface level. I was someone how reainacting it. I really have realized after reading how to find out whether an ambivalent man can be held onto, that JESUS! Why should ANYONE go through such silly vulcan restraints to walk on eggshells and possibly 'hold onto' their ambivalent man OR woman. I mean, what person is honestly worth the effort for when one has to be careful not to talk about relationship issues, and emotional things that might cause them to start distancing themselves? I have found that there are people out there obviously who don't have these emotional issues and that I'm happy with. Meaning Brett. Ugh I spelled 'their/there' wrong and had to go back and change it.
Also, being impulsive and acting on one's every instinct causes others to think one is insane. Meaning me. Ah yes, I see.
I have had many destructive behaviors. I don't need to call anymore. I don't need closure. I don't need to ask why. Except of myself. I didn't know this day would come. I haven't called. I am ambivalent. I really think that just because someone is intellectually stimulating and maybe is interesting somewhat sexually, that such is not enough to contain a relationship. This means the prototype I had may have had those qualities, but the other important aspects such as liability, honesty, ability to date someone (haha) were nill. I lowered the wrong standards myself. So, I'm older and wiser. I'm not smug.
I would be interested to go to some New World thing tomorrow but naturally, I have to work.
I miss my little one.
I saw Robin and Jenny today. They came into work. Apparently, they both work for a school. I realized my job is great if one is on a diet. One cannot afford to buy food. This means I spent my whole paycheck already. I did have one observation of a feeling I had come over me at some point. I wondered if Robin feels sorry for me. It is the first time I ever spoke to someone and felt like they wanted to talk to me because they figure I have a complex and wouldn't want to make my life worse. After all, it's no big deal to be nice to someone who is slightly off. It's like the mentally retarded person I"m nice to. I answer her questions except when they're too extreme. Par exemple, today out of nowhere(s) she asked me what I think they should have done about September 11th? 'I'm the wrong person to ask.' I mean, I don't have a formal opinion on that and even if I did, I don't have time to explain it when I'm on the book floor. I figure, I have a cousin who is mentally retarded and it won't hurt me to be nice to the lady. It's that kind of thing. Then there's the flash of the disturbing thought 'What if i'm just being paranoid?' It feels cheap to think that. Like an old nickel.
I live in an efficiency attached to a house. It has wood floors. Crikes. Ignore my typos. I am feeling utterly dyslexic and out of socket.
I like to say things that don't make any sense. Make up my own cliches. I suppose I think I'm terribly interesting. I know no one reads this crap.
I wrote two songs and now they sound commercial as hell. Is this because the radio in my mind overplayed them? Guaranteed once every hour.
I dropped K off the other day and Burke was sleeping. What kind of mother am I that I have to subject her to this? I'd like to think that if he had some room to be by himself more that he would be more centered and actually clean up. My nervous thought is that it was make barely any difference. That it's an excuse. That I excuse him all the time. I really hope he allows for time for physical contact with her and play time with her. I have read some things on ADD children that I'm anxious to tell him about. He can be a good listener. He has positive attributes. I'm trying to work hard on myself. Is it because I have more room to do so? I think it's important to recognize my own disabilities. Uh oh, I went on an analyze Misty vacation.
I did realize something really ,really important today. I have been realizing it more so, but today was the peak. I have read this ambivalent man book. towards the end, I didn't need it anymore. My punctuation jumps up and down. I don't know why. Capitalize this; omit that. I got to the chapter about why I am possibily attracted to ambivalent men. I had some vague idea to the effect already, but the reason for me was "mourn your teenage years.' I had idealized a male prototype. I had not officially dated someone in which I had feelings for in high school. It haunted me for a long time. He decided that he did have feelings for me, and I was over it on a surface level. I was someone how reainacting it. I really have realized after reading how to find out whether an ambivalent man can be held onto, that JESUS! Why should ANYONE go through such silly vulcan restraints to walk on eggshells and possibly 'hold onto' their ambivalent man OR woman. I mean, what person is honestly worth the effort for when one has to be careful not to talk about relationship issues, and emotional things that might cause them to start distancing themselves? I have found that there are people out there obviously who don't have these emotional issues and that I'm happy with. Meaning Brett. Ugh I spelled 'their/there' wrong and had to go back and change it.
Also, being impulsive and acting on one's every instinct causes others to think one is insane. Meaning me. Ah yes, I see.
I have had many destructive behaviors. I don't need to call anymore. I don't need closure. I don't need to ask why. Except of myself. I didn't know this day would come. I haven't called. I am ambivalent. I really think that just because someone is intellectually stimulating and maybe is interesting somewhat sexually, that such is not enough to contain a relationship. This means the prototype I had may have had those qualities, but the other important aspects such as liability, honesty, ability to date someone (haha) were nill. I lowered the wrong standards myself. So, I'm older and wiser. I'm not smug.
I would be interested to go to some New World thing tomorrow but naturally, I have to work.
I miss my little one.