(no subject)
I don't know how to deal with my emotions/feelings..let me just bring that out to ya'll now. The past 2 weeks I've been walking perpetual foggy state.. Almost like it's as though I'm a ghost.. Yes I have feelings, and imput.. and all. But i wish not to share with my class and teachers- just waste away and ponder my existance.. I'm sure as excellent friends you've noticed that stare of nothing in my eyes. I just don't know what to do.. Emily says to let it out.. and Ergo I ended up bawling and getting mad at myself in chorus yesterday..If I dont have chorus.. I don't force myself --or let- myself cry, as I should.. and as emily said. I'm used to locking everything up.. I've never had a meltdown.. people tell me it's not pretty.. but at times i feel i need it- just to feel one ounce of his pain. I'm tearring myself apart- almost litterally. I try to pretend that noth affects me.. I just want ya'll to know what its like.. I dont know if im comming of going. At times I dont know--honestly if i should get out of bed in the morning.. I think about him everyday.. Emily says i should cry everytime i think of it.. but i dont want to be crying every second of every waking day- not to mention moment.. I just want ya'll not to feel bad if i just end up crying.. cuz i need to know you wont judge me-- if i just end up crying with ya'll or by ya'll.. of whatever/whereever the case may be. I probably wont cry.. b/c thats just me.. but i need to-- the conscious part of me knows and understands that fully...to the utmost reverance. Back to the crying in chorus part.. I wont be able to tomorrow cuz rich is in there.. Let me recap: Ya'll .. I'm a mess.. I cant do anything it seems out of my foggy state..Im currently in one and have been entranced this whole letter. I wanna force myself to cry/to laugh.. to do and say normal stuff.. but i cant.. and its only gonna get worse.. so please try to forgive me.. for lack of better word bank in my head.. Auf wiedersein..