Update / Plea for advice, help, or whatever.......
It seems unusual to come to a group of people I barely know for advice on a situation, but I trust Aeo's opinions and judgments of (most) people.
I am sure all of you are aware of the history and details of mine and Aeo's relationship. For that reason, I will not go into background. You all know one of the major issues we have is sexuality, or the openness of our relationship. Since I have been trying unsuccessfully to deal with this for the last 6 months, along with all of the other issues I have, I figured it was time to ask an intelligent and caring group of people their opinions. I just finished reading the responses you provided to Aeo back in Nov (funny how it took me 3 months to get to it) and was very impressed by the responses you gave him and the amount of care/love you showed to him. If I say nothing else to the list, know that I am deeply appreciative to all of you for accepting Aeo and loving him when other people cannot see beyond the physical appearance and surface attitude to the wonderful person inside.
Getting to the point:
Aeo has told you of my problem with monogamy (correct term?). He has been absolutely amazing in his acceptance, so to speak, of my behavior. He does not tell me what I can and cannot do and allows me to make my own decisions. What I cannot understand is why I make the decisions I do. I always regret what I have done after the fact. Whether or not that regret comes from the act or the consequences of the act (hurting Aeo) I am not sure. I tell him that with other people sexual acts (whether it be sex or otherwise) are not the same as it is with him. One of the responses compared it to different conversations with different people. I agree it is completely impossible to separate all emotions from sex. Enjoyment, in a sense, the happiness it creates, and contentment are all forms of emotions. But when I say I do not experience the emotional side with other people I am referring to the love, affection and comfort I have with him. No one else, ever, has provided that for me like he has. So why am I not content with the fact he provides this for me? Why do I continue to "play" with other people? Since his last post and the actions he listed there, I have only become involved with one person. All interactions with the other people has ceased, on my part. I have no desire to continue that relationship with the afore mentioned people. I was happy for awhile, Aeo and I had broken up again, but we have been working it out in the last few months. I was actually putting forth the effort into making this relationship work that it deserves. So why did I screw up again? I know, without a doubt, that I love Aeo completely. But if I can say that, how can I continue to do things I KNOW hurts him? At the time these things happen, usually it is the physical enjoyment that is on my mind. But I know that is not the only reason I do these things. Self control is not something I like to use, but I am fully capable of doing so. Maybe this all stems from a lack of self esteem, as someone else suggested. I definitely have always had a problem with that. High school was close to a nightmare, and I fell into the trap of using sex for attention. Am I just not able to break that old pattern? Or is it because I still am having doubts about the permanency of mine and Aeo's relationship and I am subconsciously running from it by seeking something so intimate from someone else? Maybe it is just because I am a selfish bitch who cannot look beyond her own desires to someone else's feelings (or so I have been told). I know these are questions that I will have to answer for myself, but perhaps some insight may steer me in the right direction.
Aingael
I am sure all of you are aware of the history and details of mine and Aeo's relationship. For that reason, I will not go into background. You all know one of the major issues we have is sexuality, or the openness of our relationship. Since I have been trying unsuccessfully to deal with this for the last 6 months, along with all of the other issues I have, I figured it was time to ask an intelligent and caring group of people their opinions. I just finished reading the responses you provided to Aeo back in Nov (funny how it took me 3 months to get to it) and was very impressed by the responses you gave him and the amount of care/love you showed to him. If I say nothing else to the list, know that I am deeply appreciative to all of you for accepting Aeo and loving him when other people cannot see beyond the physical appearance and surface attitude to the wonderful person inside.
Getting to the point:
Aeo has told you of my problem with monogamy (correct term?). He has been absolutely amazing in his acceptance, so to speak, of my behavior. He does not tell me what I can and cannot do and allows me to make my own decisions. What I cannot understand is why I make the decisions I do. I always regret what I have done after the fact. Whether or not that regret comes from the act or the consequences of the act (hurting Aeo) I am not sure. I tell him that with other people sexual acts (whether it be sex or otherwise) are not the same as it is with him. One of the responses compared it to different conversations with different people. I agree it is completely impossible to separate all emotions from sex. Enjoyment, in a sense, the happiness it creates, and contentment are all forms of emotions. But when I say I do not experience the emotional side with other people I am referring to the love, affection and comfort I have with him. No one else, ever, has provided that for me like he has. So why am I not content with the fact he provides this for me? Why do I continue to "play" with other people? Since his last post and the actions he listed there, I have only become involved with one person. All interactions with the other people has ceased, on my part. I have no desire to continue that relationship with the afore mentioned people. I was happy for awhile, Aeo and I had broken up again, but we have been working it out in the last few months. I was actually putting forth the effort into making this relationship work that it deserves. So why did I screw up again? I know, without a doubt, that I love Aeo completely. But if I can say that, how can I continue to do things I KNOW hurts him? At the time these things happen, usually it is the physical enjoyment that is on my mind. But I know that is not the only reason I do these things. Self control is not something I like to use, but I am fully capable of doing so. Maybe this all stems from a lack of self esteem, as someone else suggested. I definitely have always had a problem with that. High school was close to a nightmare, and I fell into the trap of using sex for attention. Am I just not able to break that old pattern? Or is it because I still am having doubts about the permanency of mine and Aeo's relationship and I am subconsciously running from it by seeking something so intimate from someone else? Maybe it is just because I am a selfish bitch who cannot look beyond her own desires to someone else's feelings (or so I have been told). I know these are questions that I will have to answer for myself, but perhaps some insight may steer me in the right direction.
Aingael