September, Week 2, "Gear" 1180 words

[aine_marihugh]

Hi Flamers! While I fully intended to write a self-contained little short-story, that isn't at all what happened. I started to get into the characters and it got away from me and before I knew it, I was fully aware that I was writing a mere snippet of something much larger. Me? Something larger? I know, right? I'm shocked! It cuts to a different

Comments

EDITOR Part Three

[toxic_apiaceae]

["You're so full of shit, Stecker." Beringer laughed and shook his head. We inched forward in the line and dropped our voices as we moved closer to the uniform station.]

--> Again, nothing wrong here. I just really like the interaction for this entire scene. Slightly off topic, but this kinda has a "Starship Troopers" feel to it. The movie more so than the books, but in a MUCH, MUCH better way. *grins*

[Stecker shrugged his bulky shoulders, "I don't know. Tomas said he thinks they just kept promoting Bizness around because she's just so damn good out there. A Peter Principle thing, you know?"]

--> Period after 'shoulders'

[She grinned wider, "I hope I get her."]

--> Period after 'wider'

Overall impressions: This is a really amazing start to something bigger. You’ve established not only the environment but the characters very well. I really enjoyed the interactions, but I wish there’d been a bit more of the narrator’s POV throughout. There was some of it at the start, and then it was just Stecker and Beringer.

Spelling: Nothing to critique.

Style: Again, I like the easy flow of this. Your style is easy to read without being boring. Very engaging. I love your description of the sergeant quite a bit, and I’m definitely interested to see where this story is going.

Grammar: One note here concerning dialogue segments. I don’t know if this is something that’s changed since I was in school, and maybe it has since I see this a LOT nowadays, but when there’s no indicator (i.e. said, spoke, mused) you don’t need a comma. Example: “Yeah, tell your mom I want my money back.” Tim grinned as Andy flicked him off. Example WITH indicator: “Yeah, tell your mom I want my money back,” Tim laughed. Andy flicked him off as he headed home.

Structure: There were one or two spots where the phrasing was a bit off, but otherwise this was fantastic. All the ideas flowed very nicely together, your transitions were spot on. Sentence variation was superb.