life & death
One thing I don't like to admit to people is how much I hate being alive. I think I don't like to admit it because I don't want to admit it to myself. I mean, sure, I don't want to bother other people, either, but as much as I hate being alive, I also hate admitting that I don't appreciate life. I once did. I mean, I've never really minded the idea of death; I've been suicidal since I was eight; but there was a time when I appreciated being alive. There was a time when I'd just sort of surrendered myself to the world and its whimsies, and I was OK with however things turned out. There was a time when I enjoyed simply sitting and soaking up sunlight, or moonlight, or a simple breeze, or being surrounded by friends.
Any more, I'm in constant pain and filled with insurmountable anxiety. I haven't had a job since may, as the company laid me off for having a higher salary than they could pay, and my unemployment benefits will end before the month is out. I did have a part-time job for a while, but a change in management saw me replaced with someone new instead of promoted to a full-time position. There's a chance I could get an extension, but I won't know that until next month. There's a chance I could get enough financial aid for school, but I won't know that right away, and I wouldn't get any money from that until February. If I could get both, that would help smooth things over, though this will mean taking classes again, doing homework and writing papers, and feeling the pressure of constant judgment. It's still seeming like it might be a better option than getting a full-time job, since I don't feel like I can handle the level of work that would support me, and at least school would mean having a somewhat flexible schedule.
I think I might be able to handle a couple hours a day of classes and homework on my own time better than having to force myself to be in a specific place and do a list of tasks over eight hours every day. My health just isn't in a place where I can handle a normal workload any more. I need breaks to clear my head and to nap between work. I can work, but I can't work consistently. Never mind the fact that most places aren't really hiring right now, anyway. I doubt if I'll ever see the salary I briefly had again, at least not outside some distant future where I've gotten proper healthcare and developed a career.
I just wish I wanted to be alive. I don't like being so listless, so full of pain, and so tired. I wish I could get things done, but my body fails me every time I want to do something. It's so rare I accomplish anything worthwhile, and the times I do, it's usually something basic like cleaning a room or two in the apartment. I have great things I want to do, but it seems like everything's beyond my grasp.
Any more, I'm in constant pain and filled with insurmountable anxiety. I haven't had a job since may, as the company laid me off for having a higher salary than they could pay, and my unemployment benefits will end before the month is out. I did have a part-time job for a while, but a change in management saw me replaced with someone new instead of promoted to a full-time position. There's a chance I could get an extension, but I won't know that until next month. There's a chance I could get enough financial aid for school, but I won't know that right away, and I wouldn't get any money from that until February. If I could get both, that would help smooth things over, though this will mean taking classes again, doing homework and writing papers, and feeling the pressure of constant judgment. It's still seeming like it might be a better option than getting a full-time job, since I don't feel like I can handle the level of work that would support me, and at least school would mean having a somewhat flexible schedule.
I think I might be able to handle a couple hours a day of classes and homework on my own time better than having to force myself to be in a specific place and do a list of tasks over eight hours every day. My health just isn't in a place where I can handle a normal workload any more. I need breaks to clear my head and to nap between work. I can work, but I can't work consistently. Never mind the fact that most places aren't really hiring right now, anyway. I doubt if I'll ever see the salary I briefly had again, at least not outside some distant future where I've gotten proper healthcare and developed a career.
I just wish I wanted to be alive. I don't like being so listless, so full of pain, and so tired. I wish I could get things done, but my body fails me every time I want to do something. It's so rare I accomplish anything worthwhile, and the times I do, it's usually something basic like cleaning a room or two in the apartment. I have great things I want to do, but it seems like everything's beyond my grasp.