(no subject)
florida next week.
can't wait to finally be warm again and wear flip flops.
it'll be nice to get away from here.
because apparently i think that leaving here will make everything else go away.
when really florida is part of why i'm confused in the first place.
next weel is my last week working at the paper, thankfully. that place is slowly driving me crazy.
wednesday night my brother called me and told me that maicah & the baby are flying down to florida so that she can stay and look for jobs.
then he suggested that i should do that same.
maicah and i have thrown around the idea of me moving to florida with them.
but it was never really something we took too seriously.
for the past 3 years they've been saying they were getting ready to move to florida.
it's really happening now.
i don't know how well i would be able to handle being 14 hours away.
i would no longer be able to runaway to my brothers house when life & growing up became too much to handle.
maicah wont be here to help when i breakdown.
or when i hit a wall and all i want is to give up on spanish.
i'll miss most of my niece's life.
i'll lose the bond that she and i are building.
and then there's my brother.
my brother and i have never really had a relationship.
we never meant anything to each other.
sure we love each other, but to us the other was just...there.
for as long as i remember i've desperately wanted to know him and mean something to him.
to have a relationship with him like he does with his other sister and tristan.
and now we finally have that.
it's rare for there to be a day that we don't call/text each other.
all that points to i should just up and move to florida.
i have nothing here that's really stopping me.
there are jobs in florida.
there are schools in florida.
florida has great spanish departments.
i'd have more opportunities to practice my spanish.
but florida isn't spain.
it's not where/what i dream of.
everything i'd need to do in order to move to florida will do nothing but set me farther back from my dream.
in my heart i know that all i need in order to be happy is spain.
i've been drawn to that country ever since i was 9 years old.
everything makes sense there.
i make sense there.
not to mention, it'd break my moms heart for me to move down to florida.
i don't know that i could do that to her.
speaking of broken hearts.
mine is still.
after all this time i still love him.
it never occured to me that it was even possible that i still loved him.
we never talk.
we haven't had a real conversation or seen each other in years.
yet i'm still broken.
and to think, i did this to us this time.
hopefully after 2 weeks in florida everything will make sense and be back to normal.
oh how great it is to be scorpio during this time of the year, eh?
thank you chris for making that connection.
i don't know anymore.
i'm tired of seeming like i'm slowly getting my life together and figuring things out.
or maybe i'm just tired and grumpy and have had too much time to think today.
can't wait to finally be warm again and wear flip flops.
it'll be nice to get away from here.
because apparently i think that leaving here will make everything else go away.
when really florida is part of why i'm confused in the first place.
next weel is my last week working at the paper, thankfully. that place is slowly driving me crazy.
wednesday night my brother called me and told me that maicah & the baby are flying down to florida so that she can stay and look for jobs.
then he suggested that i should do that same.
maicah and i have thrown around the idea of me moving to florida with them.
but it was never really something we took too seriously.
for the past 3 years they've been saying they were getting ready to move to florida.
it's really happening now.
i don't know how well i would be able to handle being 14 hours away.
i would no longer be able to runaway to my brothers house when life & growing up became too much to handle.
maicah wont be here to help when i breakdown.
or when i hit a wall and all i want is to give up on spanish.
i'll miss most of my niece's life.
i'll lose the bond that she and i are building.
and then there's my brother.
my brother and i have never really had a relationship.
we never meant anything to each other.
sure we love each other, but to us the other was just...there.
for as long as i remember i've desperately wanted to know him and mean something to him.
to have a relationship with him like he does with his other sister and tristan.
and now we finally have that.
it's rare for there to be a day that we don't call/text each other.
all that points to i should just up and move to florida.
i have nothing here that's really stopping me.
there are jobs in florida.
there are schools in florida.
florida has great spanish departments.
i'd have more opportunities to practice my spanish.
but florida isn't spain.
it's not where/what i dream of.
everything i'd need to do in order to move to florida will do nothing but set me farther back from my dream.
in my heart i know that all i need in order to be happy is spain.
i've been drawn to that country ever since i was 9 years old.
everything makes sense there.
i make sense there.
not to mention, it'd break my moms heart for me to move down to florida.
i don't know that i could do that to her.
speaking of broken hearts.
mine is still.
after all this time i still love him.
it never occured to me that it was even possible that i still loved him.
we never talk.
we haven't had a real conversation or seen each other in years.
yet i'm still broken.
and to think, i did this to us this time.
hopefully after 2 weeks in florida everything will make sense and be back to normal.
oh how great it is to be scorpio during this time of the year, eh?
thank you chris for making that connection.
i don't know anymore.
i'm tired of seeming like i'm slowly getting my life together and figuring things out.
or maybe i'm just tired and grumpy and have had too much time to think today.