(no subject)
Easter weekend wasn't as good as it could have been, but I'm not complaining (Ha! I just re-read this and I totally am complaining below). I've come to the conclusion that things are only as good as I make them be; and, try as I might to hide it, I'm not really the world's best person for initiative. I tend to go around thinking that if people want me to do something, they'll ask -- not go around thinking that if I want something done, I had best do it myself. It's not quite so severe as all that, but I do have a very annoying tendency to go quiet and give in when I feel that I can't contribute, rather than find a novel way to do so.
This inability of mine is particularly disabling and annoying and horrible when I have a friend in need and instead of doing something, anything, expressing my care.... I tend to do nothing in hopes that I at least won't do something offensive. I suppose it's the easier or safe road.
There is a friend of mine right now who is in a horrible inner state. I was with this friend all day on Saturday and said barely a word of comfort or acknowledgment of this, even though I knew it was happening. I tended to think that this person would have wanted it not to be brought up and instead to have had some sort of "normal day" (as normal as possible). Don't know if I was right, but I don't feel that it was right. All through dinner, we were across from each other, while the boys were ranting and raving about something. It was the perfect opportunity for a quiet conversation -- and instead, I chose to say nothing. I chose to be irritated with my boyfriend for taking over the table and preventing all other types of conversation ---- when the topic was not something to be discussed over dinner! (I don't think, anyway...).
So, to my dear friend, I am very sorry. I was wrong not to ask you about your life, even if you appreciated my silence. I should have at least asked. Then, if you told me to shut up about it, I could have at least known it was really what you wanted. It was obvious to me that you were not OK for all your brave faces and I was wrong to ignore it.
In other news, my cousin turned 21 (21! Dear Jesus...) and we bought him a bottle. Got me really wishing I hadn't spent my 21st in another country, though that's the way the dice rolled. I mean, what is there after 21? 25? 30? 40? What other milestones that you actually ENJOY celebrating? I might actually enjoy my 25th with the whole "quarter century mark" thing, but that's not really a milestone so much as a reflection. (By the way, happy belated thelineofeld!). I mean, of course there are the people that enjoy every birthday for what it is and where they've come from, but most people don't really enjoy those years the end with 0 after they hit 21. Bah, who knows?
Visiting my family is always a bit surreal. I know everyone loves me, but I often wonder how much they like me (Gawd, I sound so emo). I know I'm not the favorite cousin (that belongs to Cindy) and probably not the favorite niece/nephew, and to ask my grandparents to choose a favorite grandchild would just be silly and wrong. Why should I want to be the favorite anything, anyway? I dunno. I'm sure most people feel like me when they go see their families.... I always feel like it's just an inquisition, asking me about if my life is progressing responsibly as it should, and if I'm living up to all expectations, and nothing beyond that. No "how do you feels" or "what are you interested in these days" without the need to give an obligatory response (i.e., not telling them the truth, and just what they want to hear). I always just feel like I'm the one that carries a lot of the reputation or something, and that's all my job. The other ones are the interesting ones. I'm the boring, reliable, predictible one. And that's my job. Am I okay with that?
Maybe I'm doing it all intentionally, bit by bit, pulling myself away. Who knows?
I'm tired. Vacations haven't been vacation-y in a long time.
This inability of mine is particularly disabling and annoying and horrible when I have a friend in need and instead of doing something, anything, expressing my care.... I tend to do nothing in hopes that I at least won't do something offensive. I suppose it's the easier or safe road.
There is a friend of mine right now who is in a horrible inner state. I was with this friend all day on Saturday and said barely a word of comfort or acknowledgment of this, even though I knew it was happening. I tended to think that this person would have wanted it not to be brought up and instead to have had some sort of "normal day" (as normal as possible). Don't know if I was right, but I don't feel that it was right. All through dinner, we were across from each other, while the boys were ranting and raving about something. It was the perfect opportunity for a quiet conversation -- and instead, I chose to say nothing. I chose to be irritated with my boyfriend for taking over the table and preventing all other types of conversation ---- when the topic was not something to be discussed over dinner! (I don't think, anyway...).
So, to my dear friend, I am very sorry. I was wrong not to ask you about your life, even if you appreciated my silence. I should have at least asked. Then, if you told me to shut up about it, I could have at least known it was really what you wanted. It was obvious to me that you were not OK for all your brave faces and I was wrong to ignore it.
In other news, my cousin turned 21 (21! Dear Jesus...) and we bought him a bottle. Got me really wishing I hadn't spent my 21st in another country, though that's the way the dice rolled. I mean, what is there after 21? 25? 30? 40? What other milestones that you actually ENJOY celebrating? I might actually enjoy my 25th with the whole "quarter century mark" thing, but that's not really a milestone so much as a reflection. (By the way, happy belated thelineofeld!). I mean, of course there are the people that enjoy every birthday for what it is and where they've come from, but most people don't really enjoy those years the end with 0 after they hit 21. Bah, who knows?
Visiting my family is always a bit surreal. I know everyone loves me, but I often wonder how much they like me (Gawd, I sound so emo). I know I'm not the favorite cousin (that belongs to Cindy) and probably not the favorite niece/nephew, and to ask my grandparents to choose a favorite grandchild would just be silly and wrong. Why should I want to be the favorite anything, anyway? I dunno. I'm sure most people feel like me when they go see their families.... I always feel like it's just an inquisition, asking me about if my life is progressing responsibly as it should, and if I'm living up to all expectations, and nothing beyond that. No "how do you feels" or "what are you interested in these days" without the need to give an obligatory response (i.e., not telling them the truth, and just what they want to hear). I always just feel like I'm the one that carries a lot of the reputation or something, and that's all my job. The other ones are the interesting ones. I'm the boring, reliable, predictible one. And that's my job. Am I okay with that?
Maybe I'm doing it all intentionally, bit by bit, pulling myself away. Who knows?
I'm tired. Vacations haven't been vacation-y in a long time.