(no subject)

[aimlessthought]

My loathing is endlessly endless. Number one on that list is myself, I’m not sure why. I haven’t had a real meal in a couple of weeks, when I try, I throw it up. I can’t self medicate. I was never too good that that. So a cycle of self destruction comes next. I’m sure it comes down to a control issue. I don’t have that many… I see them when they’re there. I wish I could control it, but it’s in fact the only thing I CAN control. I’m tired of my hair falling out. I don’t want to be THAT girl. But I already am. I’m so completely stuck. I want to take care of myself, but I want to kill myself. Not literally. I don’t have those issues yet. This pushing and pulling is confusing. I wish I had a home to go to, so I can sort things out. I wish I had someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok. That I’m not TOTALLY alone to deal with… all of this. I’m stronger then this. I don’t ask for help. I ASKED FOR THIS. I know. It’s my fault, I don’t want to hear it. I told you so’s… yes, yes, YES! Never had a choice. I don’t need your help. I don’t need a friend. I don’t have one. Friend. It’s okay, I’m god’s lonely women.. someones gotta to do it. I don’t have an out. Or outlet. Maybe I do “it” because I think I’ll just wither away and disappear. (I’m not on drugs.) I don’t like attention. Fuck off. I hate actors, they talk about finding their character. All acting is, is being a goddamn child. IT’S NOT COMPLICATED. THAT’S why I like it. But fuck it, I’m not gonna get that whole Brando attitude and self deprecate. He thought he was so. Fucking. Cool. If people could stop and see life for what it was- so… simple. It would be so much more… simple.
The only time I was ever successful in anything in my life is when I hated myself, doubted myself. Maybe I need to go…