Pain of Memory Chapter 15
Here it is....It took a lot of backpedaling to get this written. I think I scrapped a couple of versions. I decided to go with a less mission detailed version. The end of this story is not about the mission itself. That was only a means to an end. I was bogging myself down with useless details and the rambling on was getting ridiculous. I hope this version turned out ok. I am writing the next chapter too.
Title: The Beginning of the End
Fandom: Weiss B
Pairing: Aya/Ken/Chloe
Rating: PG
Summary: It can only end in Tragedy
Beta: Myself so please forgive any mistakes
Pain of Memory Chapter 15
I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?
I'm wandering around confused
Wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain
The more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?
I stare in this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant like this
I never meant like this
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you? (Shame: Stabbing Westward)
The Beginning of the end
It’s touching really when you learn just how much you mean to the people you once thought were friends. When I finally came out of my room the silence that greeted me was more than uncomfortable. It was deafening. Aya could not even stand being in the same room with me and Chloe just shot pitying glances my way. Michel tried to make an overture that night but one hand placed on his shoulder from Free was enough to keep the chibi away. Yuki simply kept his nose buried in a book or his lap top. Clearly uneasy with the situation he decided to pretend I didn’t exist at all.
It was no less than I deserved and since there was nothing else to occupy my time I spent it training to the point of exhaustion. I wasn’t called on to take any shifts in the shop either. I bet they thought I’d snap and go after a customer with a pair of pruning shears. A long jog in the morning rain or shine usually kept me from wallowing in guilt and self pity too much. Then a shower and lunch that I fixed myself and ate in my room. An intense training session in the workout room on the third floor followed. By that time I was usually stumbling with exhaustion so I retreated to my room once more for another session in the shower to soothe my aching muscles.
After that was the time I dreaded the most. There was nothing to fill my evening but a huge aching loneliness. I only had myself to blame but the barrier between my lovers and I was too great a distance to travel. I’d try to fill the hours between dusk and dawn by reading or watching TV. I could not concentrate at all and only ended up staring at a page or screen with no comprehension of what was displayed. Going out meant me ending up in some bar. Joining the rest of Weiss in the living room like we once used to do held little appeal. Besides I needed to prove I could go on the upcoming mission despite being a total fucked up wreck. After all it was the only thing I had left. Originally the mission was supposed to have gone down already but an unexpected journey out of town by the target pushed it back until we could corner him in his warehouse inspecting the fruits of his labors.
The silence in my room got so bad the third night after Chloe and Aya walked out on me that I actually went downstairs looking for Aya. I had no idea what I was going to do if I found him but the longing was a sharp ache in my gut. It seemed like everyone else had gone to bed but a lamp shone from under the door to the living room. Peering through the partially opened door Aya sat in his favorite chair with his feet propped up on a hassock. A thick paper back lay open on his chest and his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. His head tilted slightly backward and his eyes were closed. Aya slept oblivious to my hungry gaze as I took in every inch of his perfect features.
The pain in my gut sharpened and I bit my lip. I wanted to rush in so badly and fling myself at his feet begging forgiveness. On the verge of swallowing the last vestiges of my pride and going in I was stopped by a platinum haired figure as he crossed the room. Chloe walked into my limited field of vision and knelt at Aya’s side. He carefully lifted the precariously perched glasses and slid them off. He folded and placed them in the pocket of Aya’s shirt as he blinked sleepily.
“Come on lover. It’s late and you need to get some sleep. Let’s go to bed.” My heart broke into tiny pieces as I watched Chloe extend his hand as he rose to his feet.
Aya smiled a tiny smile and took the outstretched hand and let Chloe pull him upward. His arm went around the blond’s waist and Aya’s head rested on Chloe’s shoulder. They spoke a few hushed words I couldn’t hear and Chloe kissed Aya softly. I couldn’t bear to watch any more. I crept down the hall before I got caught spying. My hand snagged my new motorcycle jacket and I went into the garage. Once on my bike I opened the door and roared off into the night. Racing through the streets as if trying to leave my pain far behind. It’s the one thing I did that gave me any kind of joy at all. The Ducati between my legs thrummed with power as I tested my skills on the twisty narrow lanes of the English countryside.
It was the only real joy I had left. The night air seeped in through every gap in my clothing and I shivered. I easily ignored the discomfort and revved the bike even harder. Whipped on by my imagination of Aya and Chloe. Entwined together in bed as they made love without me. I’d pushed so hard and they finally went away. It was what I wanted after all. I was free to carry out what ever mission KR deemed fit our special talents. Who needed the emotional hell of a relationship? I was done getting put through the ringer.
Focusing on the dark road ahead I slowed a bit from my near suicidal speed. The chill wind stung my cheeks and plastered my hair to my head. Belatedly I realized that I’d not even grabbed my helmet. There was no way in hell I could go back yet. If I heard Aya’s or Chloe’s voices through the bedroom door the devastation I felt would hit me full force. I had to move on. I had to move past this pathetic mess my life had become.
A full tank of gas and the open road stretched ahead of me. A few more hours and exhaustion would force me back. But for now I chose to outrun my need for the heartbreakingly beautiful men sharing the same bed without me. I irritably swiped at my aching, wind irritated eyes. Not realizing that the burning was not just from the wind but from the tears coursing down my cheeks.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Blah, Blah Blah…secure the area. Find the target. Kill the bad guys or dark beasts as they’re called. I’ve heard it all dozens of times. The locations change but the outcome is always the same. I’m still alive and they’re dead. I’m ready to kill again at some one else’s beck and call.
“Ken did you hear what I just said? Were you even paying attention?” Aya’s voice cuts through my inner monologue.
I rolled my eyes at his condescending tone. Somehow it had gotten easier over the past few days to function. After seeing Aya and Chloe so lovingly together that night my heart froze completely solid in my chest. All the hurt and pain was jammed behind this wall and all I felt was numb. Oh I pretended to give a damn when Michel tried to reestablish our easy friendship. I just didn’t have it in me. I would not leave myself open for such unbearable hurt. I’d become the assassin Kritiker always wanted me to be. Cold, hard and uncaring. Just point me at the target and let me go. Like some demented wind up toy.
“Yes Aya I heard you. I even read the folder with the specs for the mission.” I could tell my monotone reply grated on his nerves and a small part of me was glad to see he was hurting. It was nothing compared to the bottomless pit just waiting to swallow me up. I leaned casually against the book case and feigned boredom.
Free glared at me and I refused to rise to the bait. He’d been infuriatingly nosy and not content to stay the hell away from me. I’d been cornered a few times and been on the receiving end of his cryptic lectures. He’d gone on about how my behavior was jeopardizing the team and hurting all of us. Well like that was such a fucking big surprise.
Chloe turned his pale blue eyes on me sorrowfully and my façade cracked a little. I had to get out of this room.
“Look we need to go over the blueprints for the lab again.” Aya spread the folded sheets out on the table.
I sighed loudly and shook my head.
“I’m not going to fuck this up!” I ground out between clenched teeth. “You have me so far from any possible action the only danger I’ll be in is from being bored to death.”
“Look Ken everyone is going to be placed where they can be the most effective.” Aya’s condescending tone was starting to piss me off.
“Well Gee Aya how can that possibly be true? You have me on look out duty when we know Michel and Yuki are best suited for that. I’m a close up, in your face killer. You need me to take out the target and his bodyguards.” Sarcasm painted my voice as I stepped closer to my former lover.
Aya clenched his jaw and crossed his arms over his chest. “I am still mission leader and if you want to participate you’ll stay where I’ve put you.”
That was fucking it! So much for my calm, cold façade. Without even truly realizing it my fist was clenched and I was raising it. A hand on my shoulder momentarily stopped the punch I so wanted to land in that pretty face.
“Ken that is enough.” Free’s hand tightened painfully and I lowered my arm.
“Ken please just stop.” Chloe’s soft voice and pleading eyes made me back off a step.
“Fine I’m outta here! I’ll be back in plenty of time to suit up for this fiasco.” I snarled and tore away from Free’s grip.
As I stalked to the door I heard Aya’s pained voice. “Chloe why? What have I done? I never meant to…”
The rest of his words were drowned out by the slamming of the door as I stomped through the house and out into the courtyard. No Aya it was nothing you’ve done. I fucked everything up. With a sinking heart I realized that even if I completed the mission how could I live in a house where every word felt like a betrayal? But I really had no where else to go…unless. Ok stupid thought. Like that would ever work. Despite not really being dressed for it I took off at a brisk jog. The day for once was somewhat warm and not a cloud marred the blue expanse of sky overhead.
It clashed horribly with my current mood and the dark deed we’d all be committing tonight. I ran straight to a nearby park and given the weather the jogging trails were crowded. I paid little attention to the others around me. Although I did stick out a little dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Usually when I ran my brain just sorta coasted along on neutral but today my mind was a whirling chaos.
The events over the last few weeks only emphasized what a pathetic idiot I was. I tried my best to stuff all my fear, anxiety and regrets back behind their wall. But the cracks were getting harder and harder to patch up. Fuck! I was not going to start sniveling again like some adolescent little girl. It was hard to admit but as much as I loathed Aya at the moment I really still loved him. It was a gut wrenching, guilty kind of love that I did not feel like I deserved. I could lie to myself all I wanted but I still needed him. Chloe’s rejection of me burned raw and harsh. Out of the two of them I knew that the odds of earning his affection again were virtually impossible. Besides they had each other now just like before I came into the picture and screwed it all up.
Maybe KR could find some solo jobs for me. Maybe….Fuck!
I almost didn’t see the woman with the stroller until I was about to plow right into her. With another curse I flung myself sideways off the path. I rolled with the momentum and ended up flat on my back in a pile of leaves. The woman stopped to ask if I was ok and I waved her on with an apology and fake smile. I’d run quite a distance and lay there gasping. If my concentration was this shot I deserved to get a bullet for my troubles tonight. I had to get it together. I groaned and sat up. I leaned back against a convenient tree and ignored the cold dampness seeping through the fabric of my jeans. I drew my knees up and rested my forehead there for a while. I needed to think.
Well that was a spectacularly stupid idea. The more I brooded the worse I felt. It’s amazing how fast a person’s life could spiral out of control. Morosely I glanced over at a field on the other side of the running trail. A soccer game was going on and I stared. Thoughts of David, Michael and even Kase flooded my mind. I tried to find any vestiges of joy I once held for the game. I thought about the kids I’d taught between being Kritiker’s lap dog. I’d almost gotten them killed too when Schrient decided to play fuck with the trucker and he tried to made road kill out of us. My involvement with those crazy bitches almost ended the lives of some innocent children in my care. After that being a soccer coach lost all its appeal. Whenever I chanced to pass by that field where I used to coach I always walked a little faster. I ignored any shouts for me to wait a minute. Yes I missed those kids but I also realized that making friends and trying to have a life outside of being an assassin was futile. So yeah any joy I once had for the game had been ruthlessly torn away from me. The final straw was when I viciously slashed Jonathan and ended his life. Covering him with the team flag was the final nail in the coffin.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This was getting me nothing but a head ache and a damp ass from sitting on the ground. The prospect of a work out appealed to me more. Then I could make sure my bugnuks were in proper working order. After all it just would not do to have them malfunction. The slightly manic giggle that escaped my lips should have alarmed me but somehow didn’t. Laughing was better than crying wasn’t it?
Title: The Beginning of the End
Fandom: Weiss B
Pairing: Aya/Ken/Chloe
Rating: PG
Summary: It can only end in Tragedy
Beta: Myself so please forgive any mistakes
Pain of Memory Chapter 15
I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?
I'm wandering around confused
Wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain
The more it intensifies...
I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?
I stare in this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant like this
I never meant like this
I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you? (Shame: Stabbing Westward)
The Beginning of the end
It’s touching really when you learn just how much you mean to the people you once thought were friends. When I finally came out of my room the silence that greeted me was more than uncomfortable. It was deafening. Aya could not even stand being in the same room with me and Chloe just shot pitying glances my way. Michel tried to make an overture that night but one hand placed on his shoulder from Free was enough to keep the chibi away. Yuki simply kept his nose buried in a book or his lap top. Clearly uneasy with the situation he decided to pretend I didn’t exist at all.
It was no less than I deserved and since there was nothing else to occupy my time I spent it training to the point of exhaustion. I wasn’t called on to take any shifts in the shop either. I bet they thought I’d snap and go after a customer with a pair of pruning shears. A long jog in the morning rain or shine usually kept me from wallowing in guilt and self pity too much. Then a shower and lunch that I fixed myself and ate in my room. An intense training session in the workout room on the third floor followed. By that time I was usually stumbling with exhaustion so I retreated to my room once more for another session in the shower to soothe my aching muscles.
After that was the time I dreaded the most. There was nothing to fill my evening but a huge aching loneliness. I only had myself to blame but the barrier between my lovers and I was too great a distance to travel. I’d try to fill the hours between dusk and dawn by reading or watching TV. I could not concentrate at all and only ended up staring at a page or screen with no comprehension of what was displayed. Going out meant me ending up in some bar. Joining the rest of Weiss in the living room like we once used to do held little appeal. Besides I needed to prove I could go on the upcoming mission despite being a total fucked up wreck. After all it was the only thing I had left. Originally the mission was supposed to have gone down already but an unexpected journey out of town by the target pushed it back until we could corner him in his warehouse inspecting the fruits of his labors.
The silence in my room got so bad the third night after Chloe and Aya walked out on me that I actually went downstairs looking for Aya. I had no idea what I was going to do if I found him but the longing was a sharp ache in my gut. It seemed like everyone else had gone to bed but a lamp shone from under the door to the living room. Peering through the partially opened door Aya sat in his favorite chair with his feet propped up on a hassock. A thick paper back lay open on his chest and his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. His head tilted slightly backward and his eyes were closed. Aya slept oblivious to my hungry gaze as I took in every inch of his perfect features.
The pain in my gut sharpened and I bit my lip. I wanted to rush in so badly and fling myself at his feet begging forgiveness. On the verge of swallowing the last vestiges of my pride and going in I was stopped by a platinum haired figure as he crossed the room. Chloe walked into my limited field of vision and knelt at Aya’s side. He carefully lifted the precariously perched glasses and slid them off. He folded and placed them in the pocket of Aya’s shirt as he blinked sleepily.
“Come on lover. It’s late and you need to get some sleep. Let’s go to bed.” My heart broke into tiny pieces as I watched Chloe extend his hand as he rose to his feet.
Aya smiled a tiny smile and took the outstretched hand and let Chloe pull him upward. His arm went around the blond’s waist and Aya’s head rested on Chloe’s shoulder. They spoke a few hushed words I couldn’t hear and Chloe kissed Aya softly. I couldn’t bear to watch any more. I crept down the hall before I got caught spying. My hand snagged my new motorcycle jacket and I went into the garage. Once on my bike I opened the door and roared off into the night. Racing through the streets as if trying to leave my pain far behind. It’s the one thing I did that gave me any kind of joy at all. The Ducati between my legs thrummed with power as I tested my skills on the twisty narrow lanes of the English countryside.
It was the only real joy I had left. The night air seeped in through every gap in my clothing and I shivered. I easily ignored the discomfort and revved the bike even harder. Whipped on by my imagination of Aya and Chloe. Entwined together in bed as they made love without me. I’d pushed so hard and they finally went away. It was what I wanted after all. I was free to carry out what ever mission KR deemed fit our special talents. Who needed the emotional hell of a relationship? I was done getting put through the ringer.
Focusing on the dark road ahead I slowed a bit from my near suicidal speed. The chill wind stung my cheeks and plastered my hair to my head. Belatedly I realized that I’d not even grabbed my helmet. There was no way in hell I could go back yet. If I heard Aya’s or Chloe’s voices through the bedroom door the devastation I felt would hit me full force. I had to move on. I had to move past this pathetic mess my life had become.
A full tank of gas and the open road stretched ahead of me. A few more hours and exhaustion would force me back. But for now I chose to outrun my need for the heartbreakingly beautiful men sharing the same bed without me. I irritably swiped at my aching, wind irritated eyes. Not realizing that the burning was not just from the wind but from the tears coursing down my cheeks.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Blah, Blah Blah…secure the area. Find the target. Kill the bad guys or dark beasts as they’re called. I’ve heard it all dozens of times. The locations change but the outcome is always the same. I’m still alive and they’re dead. I’m ready to kill again at some one else’s beck and call.
“Ken did you hear what I just said? Were you even paying attention?” Aya’s voice cuts through my inner monologue.
I rolled my eyes at his condescending tone. Somehow it had gotten easier over the past few days to function. After seeing Aya and Chloe so lovingly together that night my heart froze completely solid in my chest. All the hurt and pain was jammed behind this wall and all I felt was numb. Oh I pretended to give a damn when Michel tried to reestablish our easy friendship. I just didn’t have it in me. I would not leave myself open for such unbearable hurt. I’d become the assassin Kritiker always wanted me to be. Cold, hard and uncaring. Just point me at the target and let me go. Like some demented wind up toy.
“Yes Aya I heard you. I even read the folder with the specs for the mission.” I could tell my monotone reply grated on his nerves and a small part of me was glad to see he was hurting. It was nothing compared to the bottomless pit just waiting to swallow me up. I leaned casually against the book case and feigned boredom.
Free glared at me and I refused to rise to the bait. He’d been infuriatingly nosy and not content to stay the hell away from me. I’d been cornered a few times and been on the receiving end of his cryptic lectures. He’d gone on about how my behavior was jeopardizing the team and hurting all of us. Well like that was such a fucking big surprise.
Chloe turned his pale blue eyes on me sorrowfully and my façade cracked a little. I had to get out of this room.
“Look we need to go over the blueprints for the lab again.” Aya spread the folded sheets out on the table.
I sighed loudly and shook my head.
“I’m not going to fuck this up!” I ground out between clenched teeth. “You have me so far from any possible action the only danger I’ll be in is from being bored to death.”
“Look Ken everyone is going to be placed where they can be the most effective.” Aya’s condescending tone was starting to piss me off.
“Well Gee Aya how can that possibly be true? You have me on look out duty when we know Michel and Yuki are best suited for that. I’m a close up, in your face killer. You need me to take out the target and his bodyguards.” Sarcasm painted my voice as I stepped closer to my former lover.
Aya clenched his jaw and crossed his arms over his chest. “I am still mission leader and if you want to participate you’ll stay where I’ve put you.”
That was fucking it! So much for my calm, cold façade. Without even truly realizing it my fist was clenched and I was raising it. A hand on my shoulder momentarily stopped the punch I so wanted to land in that pretty face.
“Ken that is enough.” Free’s hand tightened painfully and I lowered my arm.
“Ken please just stop.” Chloe’s soft voice and pleading eyes made me back off a step.
“Fine I’m outta here! I’ll be back in plenty of time to suit up for this fiasco.” I snarled and tore away from Free’s grip.
As I stalked to the door I heard Aya’s pained voice. “Chloe why? What have I done? I never meant to…”
The rest of his words were drowned out by the slamming of the door as I stomped through the house and out into the courtyard. No Aya it was nothing you’ve done. I fucked everything up. With a sinking heart I realized that even if I completed the mission how could I live in a house where every word felt like a betrayal? But I really had no where else to go…unless. Ok stupid thought. Like that would ever work. Despite not really being dressed for it I took off at a brisk jog. The day for once was somewhat warm and not a cloud marred the blue expanse of sky overhead.
It clashed horribly with my current mood and the dark deed we’d all be committing tonight. I ran straight to a nearby park and given the weather the jogging trails were crowded. I paid little attention to the others around me. Although I did stick out a little dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Usually when I ran my brain just sorta coasted along on neutral but today my mind was a whirling chaos.
The events over the last few weeks only emphasized what a pathetic idiot I was. I tried my best to stuff all my fear, anxiety and regrets back behind their wall. But the cracks were getting harder and harder to patch up. Fuck! I was not going to start sniveling again like some adolescent little girl. It was hard to admit but as much as I loathed Aya at the moment I really still loved him. It was a gut wrenching, guilty kind of love that I did not feel like I deserved. I could lie to myself all I wanted but I still needed him. Chloe’s rejection of me burned raw and harsh. Out of the two of them I knew that the odds of earning his affection again were virtually impossible. Besides they had each other now just like before I came into the picture and screwed it all up.
Maybe KR could find some solo jobs for me. Maybe….Fuck!
I almost didn’t see the woman with the stroller until I was about to plow right into her. With another curse I flung myself sideways off the path. I rolled with the momentum and ended up flat on my back in a pile of leaves. The woman stopped to ask if I was ok and I waved her on with an apology and fake smile. I’d run quite a distance and lay there gasping. If my concentration was this shot I deserved to get a bullet for my troubles tonight. I had to get it together. I groaned and sat up. I leaned back against a convenient tree and ignored the cold dampness seeping through the fabric of my jeans. I drew my knees up and rested my forehead there for a while. I needed to think.
Well that was a spectacularly stupid idea. The more I brooded the worse I felt. It’s amazing how fast a person’s life could spiral out of control. Morosely I glanced over at a field on the other side of the running trail. A soccer game was going on and I stared. Thoughts of David, Michael and even Kase flooded my mind. I tried to find any vestiges of joy I once held for the game. I thought about the kids I’d taught between being Kritiker’s lap dog. I’d almost gotten them killed too when Schrient decided to play fuck with the trucker and he tried to made road kill out of us. My involvement with those crazy bitches almost ended the lives of some innocent children in my care. After that being a soccer coach lost all its appeal. Whenever I chanced to pass by that field where I used to coach I always walked a little faster. I ignored any shouts for me to wait a minute. Yes I missed those kids but I also realized that making friends and trying to have a life outside of being an assassin was futile. So yeah any joy I once had for the game had been ruthlessly torn away from me. The final straw was when I viciously slashed Jonathan and ended his life. Covering him with the team flag was the final nail in the coffin.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This was getting me nothing but a head ache and a damp ass from sitting on the ground. The prospect of a work out appealed to me more. Then I could make sure my bugnuks were in proper working order. After all it just would not do to have them malfunction. The slightly manic giggle that escaped my lips should have alarmed me but somehow didn’t. Laughing was better than crying wasn’t it?