(no subject)
This has been one bizarre evening.
I had a dream last night that my family went on vacation. While we were there we ran across every single person I know. From distant family members to my first best friend from the second grade. While we were there, a huge flood started. Not just a regular storm either, but more along the lines of end of the world type stuff. My family was trying to get to this mountain so we wouldn't drown, and there were limited amounts of transportation to get us away from danger. We realized we had to split up, and my grandparents to stay behind. That they've been married for 63 years, and they're not afraid of their future, but more for ours. Out of nowhere, these officers came to us, and told us to write our names down on clipboards if we wanted a way out of danger, but then we realized the lists were separated by our last names, and we hoped we could go together, but all of our last names are different. As we wait to find out when we can leave, my mom, step dad, one of my sisters, and her husband started to praise God - they started singing songs from their church, and trying to calm everyone down saying how everything happens for a reason. Somehow my grandparents caught up with us, and we all managed to get into a bus and tried to steer through the rising water. The image I can't get out of my mind is looking out one of the windows and seeing a car float by, with a little boy in the backseat sitting there. He wasn't crying, just so alone, floating nowhere with a look I've never seen on a child before, and it scared me. I cannot get the image out of my head. Right before I woke up, the bus had started to fill up with water, and as I looked around to see my family, my grandma was in a wheelchair already covered in water and not moving, my aunt was standing up and looking down at me, with a look that said "we almost made it..." I looked around for my mom, but when I couldn't see her, I started to go into hysterics, and then I saw out of the window that our bus was going to slam into a car.
When I woke up, I thought about what had happened, and I cried. I cried for about twenty minutes rethinking of everything. How I am absolutely terrified for the day when my grandparents and mother aren't here anymore. That in my dream when I said goodbye to them I told them all the things I never say - that my childhood was fucked up, and while fighting to be anything like my dad, I pushed my grandparents away. And how they are probably the best and most honest people I know, and combined more than one person could ever live up to be, so I never really missed my dad because of them. I thought of how strong religion plays a role into half my family, and how it doesn't into the other half, that it makes our lifestyles so "us" and "them" with what we share amongst each other. I thought about if I died today how the only positive things to say about me would be about my personality, and not my accomplishments, besides being a very capable girl but never committing to anything because I am so terribly afraid to fail. I cried and cried like a baby, and it kind of scared me. I haven't stopped and evaluated my life in a very long time. And when I did, I was not happy at all.
Ben woke up and didn't even ask what was wrong, he just put his arms around me. It didn't seem to phase him that I had this weird emotional breakdown in the middle of the night, as long as I was okay. That I could talk about it whenever I want to. It was the first time I felt so strongly in love with him in a really long time. That everything I've been feeling I have been projecting onto him, and his actions towards me, or lack of, are because of me. I am very lucky to be married to such a caring person. Who has stood by me through my selfish ways. We may have gotten married extremely early, and we've had our problems, but I truly believe we can survive through anything after these past few years.
I haven't really ever wanted kids. I thought I did at one point, and I most likely will one day, but the guilt of bringing a child into this messed up world seems extremely unfair. But there is nothing I can do about kids that are already in this world and have nothing besides give them a chance to experience life the way I know it: surrounded by people who love them through thick and thin. I want to get the image of that abandoned child out of my head.
Tonight has been kind of fucked up, but I feel like I'm a few steps closer towards getting on with my life. So maybe fucked up can end up to be a positive thing..
I had a dream last night that my family went on vacation. While we were there we ran across every single person I know. From distant family members to my first best friend from the second grade. While we were there, a huge flood started. Not just a regular storm either, but more along the lines of end of the world type stuff. My family was trying to get to this mountain so we wouldn't drown, and there were limited amounts of transportation to get us away from danger. We realized we had to split up, and my grandparents to stay behind. That they've been married for 63 years, and they're not afraid of their future, but more for ours. Out of nowhere, these officers came to us, and told us to write our names down on clipboards if we wanted a way out of danger, but then we realized the lists were separated by our last names, and we hoped we could go together, but all of our last names are different. As we wait to find out when we can leave, my mom, step dad, one of my sisters, and her husband started to praise God - they started singing songs from their church, and trying to calm everyone down saying how everything happens for a reason. Somehow my grandparents caught up with us, and we all managed to get into a bus and tried to steer through the rising water. The image I can't get out of my mind is looking out one of the windows and seeing a car float by, with a little boy in the backseat sitting there. He wasn't crying, just so alone, floating nowhere with a look I've never seen on a child before, and it scared me. I cannot get the image out of my head. Right before I woke up, the bus had started to fill up with water, and as I looked around to see my family, my grandma was in a wheelchair already covered in water and not moving, my aunt was standing up and looking down at me, with a look that said "we almost made it..." I looked around for my mom, but when I couldn't see her, I started to go into hysterics, and then I saw out of the window that our bus was going to slam into a car.
When I woke up, I thought about what had happened, and I cried. I cried for about twenty minutes rethinking of everything. How I am absolutely terrified for the day when my grandparents and mother aren't here anymore. That in my dream when I said goodbye to them I told them all the things I never say - that my childhood was fucked up, and while fighting to be anything like my dad, I pushed my grandparents away. And how they are probably the best and most honest people I know, and combined more than one person could ever live up to be, so I never really missed my dad because of them. I thought of how strong religion plays a role into half my family, and how it doesn't into the other half, that it makes our lifestyles so "us" and "them" with what we share amongst each other. I thought about if I died today how the only positive things to say about me would be about my personality, and not my accomplishments, besides being a very capable girl but never committing to anything because I am so terribly afraid to fail. I cried and cried like a baby, and it kind of scared me. I haven't stopped and evaluated my life in a very long time. And when I did, I was not happy at all.
Ben woke up and didn't even ask what was wrong, he just put his arms around me. It didn't seem to phase him that I had this weird emotional breakdown in the middle of the night, as long as I was okay. That I could talk about it whenever I want to. It was the first time I felt so strongly in love with him in a really long time. That everything I've been feeling I have been projecting onto him, and his actions towards me, or lack of, are because of me. I am very lucky to be married to such a caring person. Who has stood by me through my selfish ways. We may have gotten married extremely early, and we've had our problems, but I truly believe we can survive through anything after these past few years.
I haven't really ever wanted kids. I thought I did at one point, and I most likely will one day, but the guilt of bringing a child into this messed up world seems extremely unfair. But there is nothing I can do about kids that are already in this world and have nothing besides give them a chance to experience life the way I know it: surrounded by people who love them through thick and thin. I want to get the image of that abandoned child out of my head.
Tonight has been kind of fucked up, but I feel like I'm a few steps closer towards getting on with my life. So maybe fucked up can end up to be a positive thing..