(no subject)
i guess i shouldn't be stunned that this call happened. but it's too early. it will always be too early. my grandma has stopped eating. she can't really function anymore. she hasn't in awhile. but she hasn't responded in a few days. my mom says she just sits there and stares at the ceiling. and an occasional 'yes' or 'no' is about all you can get. my mom said they can't put an exact time on it, but her voice had the same shakiness when she told me my grandpa was going to die a few days before he did. the same tone she used to tell me when the doctors said my dad wasn't going to make it. and i knew. instantly. but it's too fucking early!
my grandma was such a mean lady. and rude. and she always gave me dirty looks. and made fun of us. she was the best at pointing out every single flaw that we've ever had. she reminded us of when we were alone, and as she lost her mind, she showed us why you shouldn't burn every bridge life has built you. but that's why i loved her. i loved that when i told her i was pregnant she told me "oh thank god, i thought you were just really fat!" and when i lost the baby, i sat in her room and i told her how i felt, because she couldn't understand me anyways, but she held my hand and told me it would be alright.
the last time i saw her was the first time she remembered my name in two years.
i know she hasn't died yet. and i know it's not going to be very long. i'm just trying to get a grip on reality now.