(no subject)
I want to call him, just to hear his voice mail. To pretend for a minute that he'll call back when he sees the missed call.
I want him to come over and show me another round of pictures on his phone, to go shopping with me, even if he is embarassing, to give me a dollar for driving him to work, to laugh at my jokes and to tell me i'm funny and smart. I want him to be here for five more minutes so I can tell him I have always loved him, always thought he was an awesome person. To tell him I loved him even when he took down the barriers and let me see the real guy with troubles and sadness and heartache over a family life he never got to enjoy. I want to tell him that he didn't have to watch our family from so far, because we all loved him like he was in our family.
I want to tell him that drugs are fucking bad for you and that you don't fuck around with your liver and your brain. I want to tell him that nothing can possibly be so bad that he has to try so hard to drown it all out.
I want to tell him to take me with him. I want to tell him I'll go with him, I'll be there with him. I want to be there when he's taking his last breath, because he was so alone. I want to tell him that I love him, and I want him to know I always meant it, because I can't imagine how to live without ever knowing that. And I guess in the end he couldn't imagine it either. I want to tell him it wasn't so bad. That he wasn't fighting alone. That he wasn't alone. That I was praying for him.
That I thought he was funny and smart and cute and sweet and thoughtful. That I couldn't think low of him, even if I tried.
I want him to know this has been the longest hardest month of my life. I want him to know that everything reminds me of him. I want te lecture Belle about being nice and tell her she needs to like him because Shadow did. I want him to know that things can get better, and it didn't have to end that way.
I had books for him and cds for him and movies for him and he needed to come back fucking over to get them, because I wanted his opinions because I respected his mind, even though he never thought anyone did. I want him to know that he didn't have to pretend to be happy all the time, because I understand that life sucks and I still loved him.
I loved him in his purple jeans, with his long hair, in his ugly car, with his big guns, drinking eggs and orange juice, playing chess, scaring the paperboy, making fun of my music, cracking up at beer commercials, harassing store clerks. I want to tell him that when people thought we were dating, it was because we probably could have been good together. When I grabbed his hand and dragged him away, I wish I had never let go.
I want him to come over and show me another round of pictures on his phone, to go shopping with me, even if he is embarassing, to give me a dollar for driving him to work, to laugh at my jokes and to tell me i'm funny and smart. I want him to be here for five more minutes so I can tell him I have always loved him, always thought he was an awesome person. To tell him I loved him even when he took down the barriers and let me see the real guy with troubles and sadness and heartache over a family life he never got to enjoy. I want to tell him that he didn't have to watch our family from so far, because we all loved him like he was in our family.
I want to tell him that drugs are fucking bad for you and that you don't fuck around with your liver and your brain. I want to tell him that nothing can possibly be so bad that he has to try so hard to drown it all out.
I want to tell him to take me with him. I want to tell him I'll go with him, I'll be there with him. I want to be there when he's taking his last breath, because he was so alone. I want to tell him that I love him, and I want him to know I always meant it, because I can't imagine how to live without ever knowing that. And I guess in the end he couldn't imagine it either. I want to tell him it wasn't so bad. That he wasn't fighting alone. That he wasn't alone. That I was praying for him.
That I thought he was funny and smart and cute and sweet and thoughtful. That I couldn't think low of him, even if I tried.
I want him to know this has been the longest hardest month of my life. I want him to know that everything reminds me of him. I want te lecture Belle about being nice and tell her she needs to like him because Shadow did. I want him to know that things can get better, and it didn't have to end that way.
I had books for him and cds for him and movies for him and he needed to come back fucking over to get them, because I wanted his opinions because I respected his mind, even though he never thought anyone did. I want him to know that he didn't have to pretend to be happy all the time, because I understand that life sucks and I still loved him.
I loved him in his purple jeans, with his long hair, in his ugly car, with his big guns, drinking eggs and orange juice, playing chess, scaring the paperboy, making fun of my music, cracking up at beer commercials, harassing store clerks. I want to tell him that when people thought we were dating, it was because we probably could have been good together. When I grabbed his hand and dragged him away, I wish I had never let go.