not another step back
It's the last day they can leave and Aunty Katya and Babushka are scared, scared, scared even though they are trying to hide it. It's in their faces, their hands, their voices as they say don't let go, Antosha, Fira, don't let go of us or you'll be lost and we'll never find you so she clings to her brother and the bags because she doesn't want to get lost in the crowd. The crowd is scary, big and frightened and loud because of bombs and screams and she can smell blood in the smoke, blood and other bad things.
She wants to go home but Aunty Katya had shaken her and said that they can't and she was holding so tightly that it hurt and made her cry so she doesn't ask.
The closer they get to the edge of the docks the worse it is and people are shoving and crying and saying "Take me, take us, take me with you please god let me go I have a pass I have a pass I have a pass."
It's the last day and the last ferry and Antosha's holding onto her and she wants to hit him, because it hurts, but then he'll cry and run away and it'll be all her fault and now she has to be Good. They are at the ropes and she can see the river. It's all covered with boats and floating pieces of wood and bits of it are on fire. She didn't know that water could burn, but parts of it are. There are people in the river, too, but they aren't moving, so she doesn't care about them.
The officer is reading out a list, but Aunty Katya interupts him. It's hard to hear, because everyone is yelling and screaming and there are bombs and the German planes are whining overhead, but they are aiming at the boats but they are going to come here, she knows they'll come here, and she wants to go home, she wants to go home, she wants to go home-
"We have passes, four passes, for all of us, you have to let us on the boat."
"Glorious Comrade Stalin has ordered that we will not take another step back."
"...we have passes," Aunty Katya says, staring at him. "We can leave." She tugs on Aunty Katya's hand, because she's always been told not to answer the officers back and she doesn't like him with that smile and he has a gun on him and
The officer looks at Aunty Katya and then he looks at her, and he asks her, "Do you want to go on the boat, little girl?"
"I WANT TO GO HOME!" She screams and her voice echoes around the empty docks. He smiles, but it's a mean smile, not a nice smile, and then he pulls out his gun and he says,
"Not another-" He shoots Aunty Katya and she crumples onto the dock, holding her stomach and crying and there's so much blood, "step," he shoots Babushka, right in the head, then and he is aiming at Antosha but Antosha is running away he's such a good runner but he's not fast enough and she opens her mouth to scream but she can't, it's all stuck in her throat and it's all her fault and she can't scream a warning as the shot rings out
NO!
and she wakes up with the scream still strangled in her throat. Hand shaking, Esfir switches on her bedside lamp and normally, she would just grab the nearest book and start to read. Normally, but not tonight. Tonight, she has guilt and grief and fear still pounding through her body, so she is going to curl up around her pillow and do nothing but sob.
(Later, she will grab the book.
Later)
She wants to go home but Aunty Katya had shaken her and said that they can't and she was holding so tightly that it hurt and made her cry so she doesn't ask.
The closer they get to the edge of the docks the worse it is and people are shoving and crying and saying "Take me, take us, take me with you please god let me go I have a pass I have a pass I have a pass."
It's the last day and the last ferry and Antosha's holding onto her and she wants to hit him, because it hurts, but then he'll cry and run away and it'll be all her fault and now she has to be Good. They are at the ropes and she can see the river. It's all covered with boats and floating pieces of wood and bits of it are on fire. She didn't know that water could burn, but parts of it are. There are people in the river, too, but they aren't moving, so she doesn't care about them.
The officer is reading out a list, but Aunty Katya interupts him. It's hard to hear, because everyone is yelling and screaming and there are bombs and the German planes are whining overhead, but they are aiming at the boats but they are going to come here, she knows they'll come here, and she wants to go home, she wants to go home, she wants to go home-
"We have passes, four passes, for all of us, you have to let us on the boat."
"Glorious Comrade Stalin has ordered that we will not take another step back."
"...we have passes," Aunty Katya says, staring at him. "We can leave." She tugs on Aunty Katya's hand, because she's always been told not to answer the officers back and she doesn't like him with that smile and he has a gun on him and
The officer looks at Aunty Katya and then he looks at her, and he asks her, "Do you want to go on the boat, little girl?"
"I WANT TO GO HOME!" She screams and her voice echoes around the empty docks. He smiles, but it's a mean smile, not a nice smile, and then he pulls out his gun and he says,
"Not another-" He shoots Aunty Katya and she crumples onto the dock, holding her stomach and crying and there's so much blood, "step," he shoots Babushka, right in the head, then and he is aiming at Antosha but Antosha is running away he's such a good runner but he's not fast enough and she opens her mouth to scream but she can't, it's all stuck in her throat and it's all her fault and she can't scream a warning as the shot rings out
NO!
and she wakes up with the scream still strangled in her throat. Hand shaking, Esfir switches on her bedside lamp and normally, she would just grab the nearest book and start to read. Normally, but not tonight. Tonight, she has guilt and grief and fear still pounding through her body, so she is going to curl up around her pillow and do nothing but sob.
(Later, she will grab the book.
Later)