The truth behind the wall
Now my next truth session, the truth behind my wall. I don't even know the answer to this so please bear with me as I try to find out for myself...
As most of you know, when you try to get information from deep inside my personal self you immediately get smacked by a wall to the face. I'm pretty open, but when you get to certain details... SMACK! Over the years I've been trying to work on it, to chip away at it. It's very large. The first I can think of is spirituality. I'll be pretty open when we are discussing you, but when you turn the subject around on me I slap up that wall like nobody's business. I go in lockdown. I really don't know why, I guess I fear vulnerability, that people will be able to see the real me. Don't say to just let it go and let them see the real you, it's not that easy, so don't EVEN suggest it or I will slap you. You don't know until you are in my shoes. Sorry bout that. Anyway, I put up the wall (remember I don't know this for certain, I am trying to find out) I think because my faith is meager. I think I do it because I don't want people to see that I have nothing to share. I don't get into the word much anymore, but I do pray. The next part I have only talked to ONE person about, I don't know why I did that day. As Logan knows, I feel lost. I believe in God, Jesus, the works... but I just don't have the faith. I don't have the mindset all of you guys have. It's not that "I don't believe it because I can't see it" crap. I have prayed for hours asking God to help me overcome it. I don't know how to put it in words, I just feel like I want to believe it but I can't. That came out weird. I DO believe in Him, I just can't grasp it in reality form. It's almost like my head views it as a fairy tale. Kinda like when you feel like you and your city is the only population in this world, then you take a second and realize how small you are compared to all the other people. Know what I mean? I believe in Him, pray, ect... then I take a second and think, whoa, it's real. I don't know how to word it, ugh. Anyway, I guess I put up that wall because I don't want people to see my weakness. Also, I feel they will judge me or try to help me. Truthfully I have sought help from Logan, but (sorry to say Logan, no offense) he didn't help at all. I don't know if there is a resolution, if you have an answer please tell me, but don't come up with some random junk that I already know. I think I somewhat talked to Renee about it once. When she led me to God, we didn't really follow the standards. I was never introduced with those mind shocking questions like "how are we here, what is to come, how does this happen?" I think those are what will help me make it reality. I just need some soul searching questions that will make me realize it. Isn't this weird? I really don't know how to word it. Anyway, I'd like to apologize if I have hurt you with my walls, especially you Omar. I just want to let you all know I am working on it, and appreciate help if you can offer good help. If you can't help me, please don't try, it'll just annoy me. I could write alot more, but I need to go to work. So until next time... nuff said.
As most of you know, when you try to get information from deep inside my personal self you immediately get smacked by a wall to the face. I'm pretty open, but when you get to certain details... SMACK! Over the years I've been trying to work on it, to chip away at it. It's very large. The first I can think of is spirituality. I'll be pretty open when we are discussing you, but when you turn the subject around on me I slap up that wall like nobody's business. I go in lockdown. I really don't know why, I guess I fear vulnerability, that people will be able to see the real me. Don't say to just let it go and let them see the real you, it's not that easy, so don't EVEN suggest it or I will slap you. You don't know until you are in my shoes. Sorry bout that. Anyway, I put up the wall (remember I don't know this for certain, I am trying to find out) I think because my faith is meager. I think I do it because I don't want people to see that I have nothing to share. I don't get into the word much anymore, but I do pray. The next part I have only talked to ONE person about, I don't know why I did that day. As Logan knows, I feel lost. I believe in God, Jesus, the works... but I just don't have the faith. I don't have the mindset all of you guys have. It's not that "I don't believe it because I can't see it" crap. I have prayed for hours asking God to help me overcome it. I don't know how to put it in words, I just feel like I want to believe it but I can't. That came out weird. I DO believe in Him, I just can't grasp it in reality form. It's almost like my head views it as a fairy tale. Kinda like when you feel like you and your city is the only population in this world, then you take a second and realize how small you are compared to all the other people. Know what I mean? I believe in Him, pray, ect... then I take a second and think, whoa, it's real. I don't know how to word it, ugh. Anyway, I guess I put up that wall because I don't want people to see my weakness. Also, I feel they will judge me or try to help me. Truthfully I have sought help from Logan, but (sorry to say Logan, no offense) he didn't help at all. I don't know if there is a resolution, if you have an answer please tell me, but don't come up with some random junk that I already know. I think I somewhat talked to Renee about it once. When she led me to God, we didn't really follow the standards. I was never introduced with those mind shocking questions like "how are we here, what is to come, how does this happen?" I think those are what will help me make it reality. I just need some soul searching questions that will make me realize it. Isn't this weird? I really don't know how to word it. Anyway, I'd like to apologize if I have hurt you with my walls, especially you Omar. I just want to let you all know I am working on it, and appreciate help if you can offer good help. If you can't help me, please don't try, it'll just annoy me. I could write alot more, but I need to go to work. So until next time... nuff said.