I've come to find I'm more hypocritical than I thought...
Yeah... I really don't know. Four or five people have brought it to my attention that I'm not the same. That I've given up on friendship. I'd like to say they're wrong, but the truth is, they aren't. I can't even justify it myself. The best I can say is I'm sorry. When I was at Outcrowd I was arround people ALL the time. It got so stressful, I'm the kind that likes to be alone sometimes. When it split and I didn't go to events for awhile, sadly enough, it was a relief. I got to recharge, get my alone time. Here I am 4 months later and I am STILL recharging. I don't know how else to explain it.
Yes, I do miss all of my friends, but... I just can't put it into words. It feels as though they have turned on me too. Even when I was at Outcrowd I still didn't feel like anything more than "that girl that sings every week." Sure, Renee and I were close, but I mean everyone else. I tried to set a basis of friendship, but it never worked. I couldn't help but feel alone even though I was surrounded by people. I felt so freaking uncomfortable. Don't assume I am getting my revenge and doing the same to you guys by shutting you out. It's not that way. I just felt as though no one even noticed I was gone. Like I didn't matter. I had my other closer friendships, take for instance Whitney. But somehow I always got pushed away and hated. I didn't know what to do, I felt so empty and lost. I was crying all the time for it. I felt like I had done something wrong, but I had no idea what... but I still had Renee to have discipleship with.
Then something happened... Zeke came into the picture and I was pushed down the priority list. I'm not going to say I haven't done the same, because I did with Omar, but I worked on it. I tried to get my priorities straight. At first I would try to find openings in her new schedule to be with what felt like the only friend I had left. I tried and tried, and as usual gave up. Then when she realized that she had misplaced her priorities, she tried to come back, but stupid me I pushed away. I felt hurt, I felt disgusted. I don't know how to explain it. I felt even if I did get back to meeting with her I would be just disgusted inside. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. I purposely filled my schedule with work and school... I tried so hard to push away that eventually I was alone. They hadn't given up on me because they felt like it, they gave up on me because I pushed them away and they didn't have the strength to fight anymore.
Now I just don't know. At this very moment I feel as though I am alone in this world, or invisible. Everyone passing by without glancing... I don't know. All these thoughts in my head can't even come together in an understandable sentence. I put myself in a hole so deep it'll take more than just myself to get out. All I know is I made the bed and now I'm lying in it. Lying, ah yes, bringing me to my next pitiful point... Lies. Ugh this is hard. In my self pity stage, I made so many lies. White lies, black lies, whatever the crap you want to call it. It's good I'm getting this in the open. Take for instance the working schedule, purposely filling it up so I could have an excuse. Then I would make up stupid excuses like my parents didn't want me to do it. Ugh. Then I would purposely not answer the door when people came to visit. I would stand there and watch them through the peep hole, crying. I just wanted to be alone, my pride was so big. I would purposely not answer the phone, I'd just watch it ring. They'd say call back, I wouldn't. The only time I really did was tyler because he threatened me, hahaha.
Now I'm to this same point. I don't call people back for many reasons. 1) I have a really big pride and I don't want to admit that I just have given up 2) I hate talking on the phone 3) I now value my free time (all my time is occupied with work, school, and homework.) Any free time I can get is a BIG deal and I cherish it. Talking on the phone makes that time go by fast. There are many more reasons, and probably alot more I could and would just make up, so you get the point.
This doesn't mean I want to talk on the phone now that I am letting go of my pride, I still freaking value my free time and hate talking on the phone. I don't know. Because I am admitting this doesn't mean I am going to get back to my old self right away. Now that school has started I am seriously really busy and I don't have the time. Sure, you see me online, but that is because I am either not at the computer or I am doing homework on the computer. A large amount of the time I am talking to Omar online is while I am doing homework. You're free to talk to me on there too, I just won't respond as fast.
Now is the time that I say I am sorry and that I am trying. I really will try. Just give me some time ok? I am a jerk and I know it, but I'm sure you all must have felt this some time in your life. When you wish you could just be alone, the only one on the earth. The truth is, that would get really lonely after a while. I am really very sorry and please don't try to reach out to me (especially call me, I hate phones!!! haha) to rekindle what we had. When I am ready, I promise I will try. I am slowly recuperating. Stay tuned for another entry where I speak "the whole truth, nothin but the truth"
Yes, I do miss all of my friends, but... I just can't put it into words. It feels as though they have turned on me too. Even when I was at Outcrowd I still didn't feel like anything more than "that girl that sings every week." Sure, Renee and I were close, but I mean everyone else. I tried to set a basis of friendship, but it never worked. I couldn't help but feel alone even though I was surrounded by people. I felt so freaking uncomfortable. Don't assume I am getting my revenge and doing the same to you guys by shutting you out. It's not that way. I just felt as though no one even noticed I was gone. Like I didn't matter. I had my other closer friendships, take for instance Whitney. But somehow I always got pushed away and hated. I didn't know what to do, I felt so empty and lost. I was crying all the time for it. I felt like I had done something wrong, but I had no idea what... but I still had Renee to have discipleship with.
Then something happened... Zeke came into the picture and I was pushed down the priority list. I'm not going to say I haven't done the same, because I did with Omar, but I worked on it. I tried to get my priorities straight. At first I would try to find openings in her new schedule to be with what felt like the only friend I had left. I tried and tried, and as usual gave up. Then when she realized that she had misplaced her priorities, she tried to come back, but stupid me I pushed away. I felt hurt, I felt disgusted. I don't know how to explain it. I felt even if I did get back to meeting with her I would be just disgusted inside. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. I purposely filled my schedule with work and school... I tried so hard to push away that eventually I was alone. They hadn't given up on me because they felt like it, they gave up on me because I pushed them away and they didn't have the strength to fight anymore.
Now I just don't know. At this very moment I feel as though I am alone in this world, or invisible. Everyone passing by without glancing... I don't know. All these thoughts in my head can't even come together in an understandable sentence. I put myself in a hole so deep it'll take more than just myself to get out. All I know is I made the bed and now I'm lying in it. Lying, ah yes, bringing me to my next pitiful point... Lies. Ugh this is hard. In my self pity stage, I made so many lies. White lies, black lies, whatever the crap you want to call it. It's good I'm getting this in the open. Take for instance the working schedule, purposely filling it up so I could have an excuse. Then I would make up stupid excuses like my parents didn't want me to do it. Ugh. Then I would purposely not answer the door when people came to visit. I would stand there and watch them through the peep hole, crying. I just wanted to be alone, my pride was so big. I would purposely not answer the phone, I'd just watch it ring. They'd say call back, I wouldn't. The only time I really did was tyler because he threatened me, hahaha.
Now I'm to this same point. I don't call people back for many reasons. 1) I have a really big pride and I don't want to admit that I just have given up 2) I hate talking on the phone 3) I now value my free time (all my time is occupied with work, school, and homework.) Any free time I can get is a BIG deal and I cherish it. Talking on the phone makes that time go by fast. There are many more reasons, and probably alot more I could and would just make up, so you get the point.
This doesn't mean I want to talk on the phone now that I am letting go of my pride, I still freaking value my free time and hate talking on the phone. I don't know. Because I am admitting this doesn't mean I am going to get back to my old self right away. Now that school has started I am seriously really busy and I don't have the time. Sure, you see me online, but that is because I am either not at the computer or I am doing homework on the computer. A large amount of the time I am talking to Omar online is while I am doing homework. You're free to talk to me on there too, I just won't respond as fast.
Now is the time that I say I am sorry and that I am trying. I really will try. Just give me some time ok? I am a jerk and I know it, but I'm sure you all must have felt this some time in your life. When you wish you could just be alone, the only one on the earth. The truth is, that would get really lonely after a while. I am really very sorry and please don't try to reach out to me (especially call me, I hate phones!!! haha) to rekindle what we had. When I am ready, I promise I will try. I am slowly recuperating. Stay tuned for another entry where I speak "the whole truth, nothin but the truth"