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Have you ever heard of crying clowns? Have you seen their tears fall? Have you seen them commit suicide? Have you heard them say "God, I give up"? Have you noticed them hiding their resentment?
Let me compare myself to a clown. We think that all clowns are happy. We think that clowns are enjoying their life and no problems to think. No, it’s propaganda. Clown’s hide what they feel. They don't want to see kids disappointed. They entertain to have money.
Laughter has been always central to clowning. Clowns entertain people. They put on that thick make-up, the white foundation-like on their faces. The red lipstick liked, which covers almost half of their face. Clowns put on wigs. A colorful wig that makes us see children happy whenever they see a clown. A clown faces the crowd with full confidence. They do tricks, magic tricks, anything that would amaze us. Their hands that are extraordinary to kids, sway and do tricks. Clowns don’t cry in front of people. Even though they were teased and bullied by some.
People see me as a clown. Whenever they see me they would laugh because of the jokes that I'm tossing. My face seem to be flexible to them. My eccentric moves that make them think that Mr. Bean & I are one. My actions makes them insane. My face faces the crowd with full of competency. My voice that's like a boy’s could be any voice that you want to hear. My heart that was full of bruises yet I still make people laugh. My innocent ways back when I was a child are filled with punches. Words made my anger grow.
I'm the kind of clown who is emotionally abused but knows how to hide. I cry and yes, I'm the clown who cries; the clown who let her tears fall; the clown who tried to commit suicide, the clown who almost gave up. The clown that hides all the resentment.
People always loved me for being unique. Queer, I mean. They love to be with me because of the idiocy that I'm doing even though it's very risky just to make the laugh. In times of depressing nights, I hide. I hide my face from the crowd, and I show my joyful face, instead the bubbly face that they wanted. I maybe a clown to their eyes but this clown cries. I'm like a clown but I'm a clown whose life's a bit disaster. I'm a clown verbally. Physically. But inside? I don't know who I'm portraying.