an uncle i don't really have
i couldn't fall asleep last night. i couldn't stop thinking and thinking and thinking, sometimes taking myself down steep slopes to places i don't want to go. i ended up putting on some music...sort of an eclectic mix of things like antony and the johnsons, the rolling stones, the grates, rilo kiley, bruce springsteen, and mecca normal. some of my favorites. (earlier in the evening jack johnson performed at the outdoor amphitheater near my house. i could hear girls scream and someone on stage laugh when i stood in the front yard. i think i will miss having a yard when i leave.) so finally i drifted out of that thinking-tossing-and-turning mess and forgot about being awake. i dreamed that an uncle that i don't really have died and left me $207. i don't remember the details of the dream very well but do remember that he wasn't a very nice guy.
i haven't yet gone through the loss of a family member. at least not because of death. sometimes i get nervous about it. everyone is just getting older and older. as a result of various divorces, new marriages and new partners, i technically have ten grandparents. i'm afraid they're all going to die at once and that i won't be able to handle it. the only funeral i've attended was of someone my own age...a classmate that i played softball with as a kid. i feel like that's not how that's supposed to go. that's not how someone's memory is supposed to be of death and funerals. i don't know how to receive death. what will i do when it gets here?
i haven't yet gone through the loss of a family member. at least not because of death. sometimes i get nervous about it. everyone is just getting older and older. as a result of various divorces, new marriages and new partners, i technically have ten grandparents. i'm afraid they're all going to die at once and that i won't be able to handle it. the only funeral i've attended was of someone my own age...a classmate that i played softball with as a kid. i feel like that's not how that's supposed to go. that's not how someone's memory is supposed to be of death and funerals. i don't know how to receive death. what will i do when it gets here?