Why I don't want to work.
Life is pointless.
He's right, all we do is eat and sleep and work.
But there is a smaller part of me that maybe thinks it can be better than that.
But it will take me SO LONG to get there!!!!!!!!!!!
It will take me so long to get there, and I hate the daily grind of moving half of a quarter of a millimeter forward then five million millimeters back.
That's what it feels like anyway.
But I'm better than what I was, but I'm also really sad still.
But I'm really happy?
I'm really happy I found Behzad.
And it's actually really terrifying to have found a good guy.
It's so terrifying that I want to explode.
What happens from here?
If I botch school, what will happen?
Will he stay with me, or will he leave?
Will he stay here?
Will he be here?
I won't finish school before he graduates.
Is that a deal breaker?
Not if he stays here.
But if he has to leave, it may be a deal breaker.
Ouch.
This is what is fueling my listlessness at school,
because if I try and fail, what is the point?
The point is the process, and the trying, and the reaching.
I can handle heartbreak, but all I want to do is prevent it.
But if I'm actively preventing, I can't enjoy the moment and stufffff and things, so forget it.
Why do I not want to enjoy the moments, because life is made up of moments,
and I've had some heartbreakingly beautiful moments with Behzad.
Seriously, heartbreakingly beautiful moments.
If he leaves, what will happen?
I can't control that.
All I can control is if I go forward or not.
Will I go forward, or will I drown?
Will I drown?
I don't think so, because I can find joy and awe in the world.
As long as I don't lose my sense of awe, I will stay alive.
And the sense of awe will be there whether he is or not.
I can still experience beautiful words even if I went deaf or ... I just stopped typing this in the middle
He's right, all we do is eat and sleep and work.
But there is a smaller part of me that maybe thinks it can be better than that.
But it will take me SO LONG to get there!!!!!!!!!!!
It will take me so long to get there, and I hate the daily grind of moving half of a quarter of a millimeter forward then five million millimeters back.
That's what it feels like anyway.
But I'm better than what I was, but I'm also really sad still.
But I'm really happy?
I'm really happy I found Behzad.
And it's actually really terrifying to have found a good guy.
It's so terrifying that I want to explode.
What happens from here?
If I botch school, what will happen?
Will he stay with me, or will he leave?
Will he stay here?
Will he be here?
I won't finish school before he graduates.
Is that a deal breaker?
Not if he stays here.
But if he has to leave, it may be a deal breaker.
Ouch.
This is what is fueling my listlessness at school,
because if I try and fail, what is the point?
The point is the process, and the trying, and the reaching.
I can handle heartbreak, but all I want to do is prevent it.
But if I'm actively preventing, I can't enjoy the moment and stufffff and things, so forget it.
Why do I not want to enjoy the moments, because life is made up of moments,
and I've had some heartbreakingly beautiful moments with Behzad.
Seriously, heartbreakingly beautiful moments.
If he leaves, what will happen?
I can't control that.
All I can control is if I go forward or not.
Will I go forward, or will I drown?
Will I drown?
I don't think so, because I can find joy and awe in the world.
As long as I don't lose my sense of awe, I will stay alive.
And the sense of awe will be there whether he is or not.
I can still experience beautiful words even if I went deaf or ... I just stopped typing this in the middle