Apathy
Ooo look there's a little mood icon that exactly matches my subject...
I'm more than just apathetic right now though, I'm also depressed. I know I shouldn't be. I had a fairly decent day, and line dance was tonight. I got home with all these funny line dance stories and other various news I was going to tell Carl.
I sent him a message but it seemed he was making dinner. So I went and jumped in the shower since dance got me pretty nasty tonight since it was so warm out. I got back and still no Carl. No matter, I thought, so I went and made myself a bagel, ate it, and then started reading a few chapters of Harry Potter.
Having finished that, it had been almost an hour and a half since I got home. Still no Carl. By this time I'd definitely lost the urge to talk about anything. I guess things just stopped being so exciting...
And then Jeremy messages me. Pretty much the last person I'd want to do so when I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come online. Not only that, he tells me he came across this link today and it reminded him of me so he shows me and starts asking me how my day was etc etc.
Now I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but when I'm already a little down about not being able to talk to Carl, having my ex tell me he was thinking of me is not what I want to hear. Not from him at least. And I swear this keeps happening to me. Jeremy seems to always im me when I'm unable to talk to Carl and it just doesn't put me in a good mindset.
The problem is, there's no fault with either of them, this is my problem. And so here I sit, starting to cry because I'm a stupid little girl ::sigh:: I know Carl cares about me, but I just wish I felt like I was more than an obligation to him. Someone he has to keep happy by spending a certain amount with every week. He's just so busy and I seem to always want to take up too much of his time, which is making me feel fairly guilty at the moment.
I just don't know. Usually writing things out makes me feel better, but I almost feel worse now. I'm supposed to see Carl tomorrow. If I knew of an easy way to say "you don't have to spend time with me if there's other things you'd rather do" I would. Maybe I will just say that. I don't want to upset him, but I don't want him to feel like he has to drag me around places to keep me happy. That's rather funny in itself because there's nothing I know of that can keep me happy, for any good length of time at least.
I really wonder about myself sometimes...
I'm more than just apathetic right now though, I'm also depressed. I know I shouldn't be. I had a fairly decent day, and line dance was tonight. I got home with all these funny line dance stories and other various news I was going to tell Carl.
I sent him a message but it seemed he was making dinner. So I went and jumped in the shower since dance got me pretty nasty tonight since it was so warm out. I got back and still no Carl. No matter, I thought, so I went and made myself a bagel, ate it, and then started reading a few chapters of Harry Potter.
Having finished that, it had been almost an hour and a half since I got home. Still no Carl. By this time I'd definitely lost the urge to talk about anything. I guess things just stopped being so exciting...
And then Jeremy messages me. Pretty much the last person I'd want to do so when I'm waiting for my boyfriend to come online. Not only that, he tells me he came across this link today and it reminded him of me so he shows me and starts asking me how my day was etc etc.
Now I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but when I'm already a little down about not being able to talk to Carl, having my ex tell me he was thinking of me is not what I want to hear. Not from him at least. And I swear this keeps happening to me. Jeremy seems to always im me when I'm unable to talk to Carl and it just doesn't put me in a good mindset.
The problem is, there's no fault with either of them, this is my problem. And so here I sit, starting to cry because I'm a stupid little girl ::sigh:: I know Carl cares about me, but I just wish I felt like I was more than an obligation to him. Someone he has to keep happy by spending a certain amount with every week. He's just so busy and I seem to always want to take up too much of his time, which is making me feel fairly guilty at the moment.
I just don't know. Usually writing things out makes me feel better, but I almost feel worse now. I'm supposed to see Carl tomorrow. If I knew of an easy way to say "you don't have to spend time with me if there's other things you'd rather do" I would. Maybe I will just say that. I don't want to upset him, but I don't want him to feel like he has to drag me around places to keep me happy. That's rather funny in itself because there's nothing I know of that can keep me happy, for any good length of time at least.
I really wonder about myself sometimes...