Remixes
First and foremost (and horribly late), advertising the fantastic remix that magnetic_pole wrote out of a drabble I posted a year ago. I wouldn't have guessed the author in a million years, because the cast of characters is very different from the one that Maggie usually has, and to be very honest, it had me blink in confusion when I first looked at the summary. :D
It's a circular story, told from Winky's, Barty's, Lucius', Bella's, Narcissa's, Regulus' and Barty's (again) point of view, relating the events during and following a society gathering at Grimmauld Place.
Read about how Barty Crouch jr is initiated to the Death Eater circle:
The Grimmauld Place Irregulars (The Fine, Upstanding Families Remix), PG
*prods you* Now, go off and read.
Plus, archiving my own remix from April.
Title: House Rivalries
Author: aillil
Summary: A meta-take on House rivalries in matters of sex
Rating: R
Word count: 1,271
Thanks: go to lyras as usual for the beta. ♥
Warnings: This mightn't make a whole lot of sense if you haven't read the original.
Title, Author and URL of original story: A Study in the Mating Habits of Beasts and Teenagers or Four Porns (various pairings, NC-17) by starrysummer
Hufflepuff: "House of Straight-Forward Equal Opportunity
Hufflepuffs are easy, terribly easy. That's what they say in Slytherin, at least. Also, you get what you see; Hufflepuffs don't hide. Because they don't want to, say the Hufflepuffs. Because they don't know how to, say the Slytherins. They wouldn't know where to look if you hid before them, although the Hufflepuffs would like to ask why there needs to be hiding in the first place, when that only causes the other person to look for blemishes they wouldn't have bothered with otherwise.
Hufflepuffs have too much equanimity from the Gryffindor point of view. There's fun in them, but no passion; play, but no game. They wouldn't ever give themselves, because they lack the depth of feeling that is required for that, and where there's no emotion, there is no real sex. The Gryffindors are certain that Hufflepuffs eventually marry their best friends in order to escape the bother of having to fall in love. Not that they're terribly lazy or anything, but with best friends you know what you're getting.
Hufflepuffs are shallow, say the Ravenclaws, nice but far too simplistic. They're so infested with the idea of fair play, that they don't realise there's joy in taking on unequal roles, pleasure in submission and domination alike without swapping in the middle of things, and that not every touch has to be repaid in kind, because mutual giving and taking can happen on more than one level.
Naturally, the Hufflepuffs aren't overly fussy where it comes to choosing the right location for sex. Greenhouses are a preferred spot, obviously, but they'll grace the Astronomy tower with quite as much attention as anything else. A modicum of privacy is quite enough, and if someone is a curious enough voyeur, they might even find themselves invited to join in the fun.
Ravenclaw: "House of Silent Mind Games"
Successfully bedding a Ravenclaw is work, claim the Gryffindors. A good fuck is not enough, no: they want to be enticed and put in the mood, or so the Ravenclaws say. Dragged and pushed and shoved towards it, say the Gryffindors, and that's only when the real work begins. That's when they want to be talked and cajoled out of their knickers. Everything else will just earn their would-be partner a raised eyebrow and a door shut in their face. Far too much bother on the whole.
Ravenclaws are always hiding, projecting layer after layer of images, creating a maze of pictures that is fiendishly difficult to navigate, that's how the Hufflepuffs see the matter. You never know what you'll get; Ravenclaws cannot ever be straightforward, and Merlin help anyone who considers them simple. Quickies are impossible, and they require talking to, talking round, hidden feelings and everything that complicates matters. They're not aroused by touches, but by words, and it has been hypothesised that Ravenclaws can be talked to orgasm.
Ravenclaws have to make a science out of everything, think the Slytherins. Even something as plain and straightforward as sex has to be covered at great length in treaties and whole books - as if nothing could be left to the human imagination alone. Yet they will insist on their partner being fully present, just lying there and getting it over with is not for them. For all their projecting, they still want honesty underneath, and they will go out of their way to find it, which is most annoying.
Privacy is high on the list of priorities for the Ravenclaws. They don't want to be interrupted in the middle of things, and prefer quiet spots, especially the lesser known ones. The Astronomy tower would the height of gauche for them, but they might not say no to the library in the dead of night with a single candle burning next to them.
Slytherin: "House of Cool Business"
Lie back and think of- well, what, actually? English wizarddom? That is wont to bring Fudge's face to mind, and a further turnoff in this setting is clearly not what's needed; that at least is the Hufflepuff view. Art is art is cold, say the Hufflepuffs. Art is for art is what life is about, say the Slytherins. What about affection, shouldn't one at least like the person one takes to bed? But that's probably not what duty's all about.
Slytherins are so caught in their family histories that they're liable to forget their own lives over them, is what the Ravenclaws think. They wear their blood like a corset, bound tightly, so that it holds them up when they have to face the world outside, but it doesn't let them move. Going through the motions is certainly enough to produce offspring, but the Ravenclaws wonder why anyone would want to condemn one's own children to such a life.
Why would anyone want to get it on with someone who's so incredibly stuck up? That's what the Gryffindors would like to know - or not, as it is. They're so wedded to the purity of their own blood that their fear of contamination prevents them from delving anywhere where there might be a grain of dust. Never mind that there's no feeling. Gryffindors have long been saying that real emotion has been bred out of Slytherins at some point; the result of centuries of terribly good marriages in which neither partner could have been less interested in the other.
Where do the Slytherins have sex sexual intercourse? In a bed, and it mustn't be too hard. Or too soft. The bed linen must be clean, and the door should be locked with something more secure than a simple Alohomora would cover. Additionally, the light should be switched off as soon as the undressing has progressed to underwear.
Gryffindor: "House of Anything Goes"
Gryffindors are terribly greedy: they want it all, they want it now, and you'd better not stand in their way. Passionate is what the Gryffindors call it, instant gratification for a non-existent attention span is the Ravenclaws' verdict. They wouldn't recognise a game if it was shoved into their faces; it's a competition for them, and whoever comes first has won. They know nothing about taking their time to get to know a person, to pause so that they can look at them and find out about the shadows and the bright spots.
Gryffindors have no sense of propriety, say the Slytherins. They don't know how not to stumble over their own feet towards orgasm, giving themselves so readily without paying any heed to the consequences. They will romp around with anyone and everyone willing to give them the time of day and jump into the abyss commonly known as emotion, before they've had time to consider. Not that they'd want to consider, mind.
Gryffindors are so rash with their emotions. They will go and love you at the drop of a hat and then proceed to hate you in the blink of an eye, which leaves the Hufflepuffs wondering how they can stand to switch between extremes so often. They can't pace themselves and are childishly egoistical without even noticing it - which only goes to show that they indeed do not grow up. Yes, they can be fun, but there's always a rat's tail of problems attached, because they can't leave it be.
The Gryffindors' favourite spot for sex depends on their mood. If it's slow and loving, the prefects' bathroom would be a preferred location for most, but passionate tête-à-têtes at the edge of the Forbidden Forest haven't been unheard of, either. And for kinky sex? Why, the Slytherin house table in the Great Hall, of course.
End.