(no subject)
It's been so,
Long,
And tin cans and string,
For years,
Is all that we've known.
Could it be you're really here?
'Cause my eyes are open,
And everything still moves in slow,
Motion,
Breathless and blue and be-,
Hind your eyes,
The sea,
Oceans of,
Light envelop me.
But things can't be as,
They seem.
I'm so far from home.
This must be another dream,
But my eyes are,
Open.
And everything still moves in slow,
Motion,
Breathless and blue and be-,
Hind your eyes,
The sea,
Oceans of,
Light envelop me.
My eyes are open,
And everything still moves in slow,
Motion,
Breathless and blue and be-,
Hind your eyes,
The sea,
Oceans of,
Light envelop me.....~Atlantic, Thrice
I don't feel what I used to feel. I don't know how to describe my emotions. I feel heavy inside, I don't know why but I just want to stab myself in the heart. It's an incomprehensable feeling. Why? I don't know. My mind is cluttered with questions, thoughts, dreams, sorrows, worries, happiness, but that happiness is slowly being subjected to what I fear, the loneliness.
I try to talk to people but I believe that no one wants to hear me anymore.It's like elementry school all over again. I was always shunned away from the rest of my peers because I looked diffrent. They'd always call me names and not let me play with them, so at recess I'd always hand around under the slides or in the jungle gym all by myself making little sandcastles that people trampeled while they were playing tag or hang and fall once I reached the top of the jungle gym. And when I did make friends, they'd usually just use me to their benefit then later betray me and lie about me.
Now that I'm older, I look back and try to laugh but there's always something that hurts me. I've had a few friends in life and I usually lose them because of something they do that I don't like or just plain me. I don't want to hurt people but I can't help being who I am. You yourselves molded me into what I act like. The pressures you assult me with, the lies you tell me just so I'll act for you for your benefits, pleading to me for help then later on discard me. I have feelings too. I'm only human.
I ask for a little something in return but no one wants to give. Just an ear, a little suggestion, a little input. A small gift to recompensate for my accomplishments. But no. That I only get from my parents. But not even they seem to care much. Just a "Good job" or a "Keep it up". I know they mean well, I know they have their own things to think about but I just want a little more praise. I work myself off for their benefit. I'll be supporting them one day. Whatever I do in the house, my dad doesn't think it's good enough. I always have to clean something for him cause he doesn't think I do shit. He gets home and the house is dirty because Jessel and Alex messed it up! I clean up the entire house by myself sometimes but it's not even visible because it gets messed up 1-2 hours later! It's not fair, I may be lazy but not to that extent! All I want is some recognition. Just a little. I'm going to be something for you dad, but you hardly even notice us. You just get home and do your own things. When we do get close to you, you say something totally stupid and get us pissed off at you. You're the one to fault, not us.
Everyone says I'll be something in this world one day. Do I believe it? Maybe. But it's hard to settle that thought, that dream that my family has for me. I want to show the world, I want to show everyone how I can make a diffrence but where to start? There's so much I need to do and so much I haven't done yet. My mind is spinning. I'm so confused. I need direction. I'm only given vauge checkpoints by those who have the knowledge. I need to push at them to give me the information I want. You say you're the to help, you say you'll tell me what I need to know. Why don't you do it?
I'm an older sister. I know I have responsibilities to take care of and I'm in charge of my little brother and sister but why can't they understand? I try my best to do what my parents ask of me but I can't do it all the time. Jessel is an idiot sometimes and my mom goes off on me if I yell at her. Who wouldn't yell at her stupid questions?! The answers are obvious and she has to ask why!! Then she's a pig. I know she tries to clean up her things but she only pushes them under the bed or under the vanity table where it is still visible! DX I can't help yelling at her! I clean and clean and there's nothing but mess 10 minutes later! Then my little brother, he's a solitary character most of the time. There's not much of a problem with him but he gets on my nerves sometimes. He acts too pompous and exerts himself more than he needs to because he's a soccer player and is getting good grades and well, he's a boy. My mom and dad don't do anything to him when he's annoying me no matter how much I beg. They'll just tell him to stop. I know he does it for attention. I hardly pay attention to them since I'm always on the computer but what do I do with them? Whenever I do play with them my little sister gets pissed off if she's losing or something isn't done her way and my little brother gets angry with her for being a prat and then I get annoyed cause I'm in the middle of this! I rather stay away from them and not hurt them instead of being near them and causing them to get in trouble because of me. My parents tend to blame me too readily sometimes and it gets on my nerves.
I pour my heart into this. I know there are others who have their own problems much worse than mine and would call me a prat for wanting unneeded attention. I just want to feel a little attention like them. They're always enfocusing everything around their crappy lives. But how are they crappy? You yourself can make something out of your situation. It all depends on how you want to take on the problems. Me, selfish. Maybe. Them, heck yes. I'm just human, let me hurt too.
There's so much more I could say but who wants to hear me? No one really. I can only confide in myself. No matter who I tell, somehow the word gets out and everyone knows. I want to soar away, fly on wings that are not there and reach a utopia solely for me. I have what I want but the natural insticnt still stands. I want more. Some one help me please. Direct me to where I need to be...
I'm sorry Onee-sama for not being a good person to you. I want to help but I only feel that I annoy you. I wish I could be there to help you but I'm nothing but a nuisance and make things worse. I'm always here for you if you need someone to speak to, I'll try my best to console you but I just wish that I could do more for you.
This goes for you as well Onee-Len. I want to be a good soeur to you and Rissa cause I'm the one that completes your family that you've worked hard for. I don't want to ruin it.
Please don't pity me. I'm just naive.
Long,
And tin cans and string,
For years,
Is all that we've known.
Could it be you're really here?
'Cause my eyes are open,
And everything still moves in slow,
Motion,
Breathless and blue and be-,
Hind your eyes,
The sea,
Oceans of,
Light envelop me.
But things can't be as,
They seem.
I'm so far from home.
This must be another dream,
But my eyes are,
Open.
And everything still moves in slow,
Motion,
Breathless and blue and be-,
Hind your eyes,
The sea,
Oceans of,
Light envelop me.
My eyes are open,
And everything still moves in slow,
Motion,
Breathless and blue and be-,
Hind your eyes,
The sea,
Oceans of,
Light envelop me.....~Atlantic, Thrice
I don't feel what I used to feel. I don't know how to describe my emotions. I feel heavy inside, I don't know why but I just want to stab myself in the heart. It's an incomprehensable feeling. Why? I don't know. My mind is cluttered with questions, thoughts, dreams, sorrows, worries, happiness, but that happiness is slowly being subjected to what I fear, the loneliness.
I try to talk to people but I believe that no one wants to hear me anymore.It's like elementry school all over again. I was always shunned away from the rest of my peers because I looked diffrent. They'd always call me names and not let me play with them, so at recess I'd always hand around under the slides or in the jungle gym all by myself making little sandcastles that people trampeled while they were playing tag or hang and fall once I reached the top of the jungle gym. And when I did make friends, they'd usually just use me to their benefit then later betray me and lie about me.
Now that I'm older, I look back and try to laugh but there's always something that hurts me. I've had a few friends in life and I usually lose them because of something they do that I don't like or just plain me. I don't want to hurt people but I can't help being who I am. You yourselves molded me into what I act like. The pressures you assult me with, the lies you tell me just so I'll act for you for your benefits, pleading to me for help then later on discard me. I have feelings too. I'm only human.
I ask for a little something in return but no one wants to give. Just an ear, a little suggestion, a little input. A small gift to recompensate for my accomplishments. But no. That I only get from my parents. But not even they seem to care much. Just a "Good job" or a "Keep it up". I know they mean well, I know they have their own things to think about but I just want a little more praise. I work myself off for their benefit. I'll be supporting them one day. Whatever I do in the house, my dad doesn't think it's good enough. I always have to clean something for him cause he doesn't think I do shit. He gets home and the house is dirty because Jessel and Alex messed it up! I clean up the entire house by myself sometimes but it's not even visible because it gets messed up 1-2 hours later! It's not fair, I may be lazy but not to that extent! All I want is some recognition. Just a little. I'm going to be something for you dad, but you hardly even notice us. You just get home and do your own things. When we do get close to you, you say something totally stupid and get us pissed off at you. You're the one to fault, not us.
Everyone says I'll be something in this world one day. Do I believe it? Maybe. But it's hard to settle that thought, that dream that my family has for me. I want to show the world, I want to show everyone how I can make a diffrence but where to start? There's so much I need to do and so much I haven't done yet. My mind is spinning. I'm so confused. I need direction. I'm only given vauge checkpoints by those who have the knowledge. I need to push at them to give me the information I want. You say you're the to help, you say you'll tell me what I need to know. Why don't you do it?
I'm an older sister. I know I have responsibilities to take care of and I'm in charge of my little brother and sister but why can't they understand? I try my best to do what my parents ask of me but I can't do it all the time. Jessel is an idiot sometimes and my mom goes off on me if I yell at her. Who wouldn't yell at her stupid questions?! The answers are obvious and she has to ask why!! Then she's a pig. I know she tries to clean up her things but she only pushes them under the bed or under the vanity table where it is still visible! DX I can't help yelling at her! I clean and clean and there's nothing but mess 10 minutes later! Then my little brother, he's a solitary character most of the time. There's not much of a problem with him but he gets on my nerves sometimes. He acts too pompous and exerts himself more than he needs to because he's a soccer player and is getting good grades and well, he's a boy. My mom and dad don't do anything to him when he's annoying me no matter how much I beg. They'll just tell him to stop. I know he does it for attention. I hardly pay attention to them since I'm always on the computer but what do I do with them? Whenever I do play with them my little sister gets pissed off if she's losing or something isn't done her way and my little brother gets angry with her for being a prat and then I get annoyed cause I'm in the middle of this! I rather stay away from them and not hurt them instead of being near them and causing them to get in trouble because of me. My parents tend to blame me too readily sometimes and it gets on my nerves.
I pour my heart into this. I know there are others who have their own problems much worse than mine and would call me a prat for wanting unneeded attention. I just want to feel a little attention like them. They're always enfocusing everything around their crappy lives. But how are they crappy? You yourself can make something out of your situation. It all depends on how you want to take on the problems. Me, selfish. Maybe. Them, heck yes. I'm just human, let me hurt too.
There's so much more I could say but who wants to hear me? No one really. I can only confide in myself. No matter who I tell, somehow the word gets out and everyone knows. I want to soar away, fly on wings that are not there and reach a utopia solely for me. I have what I want but the natural insticnt still stands. I want more. Some one help me please. Direct me to where I need to be...
I'm sorry Onee-sama for not being a good person to you. I want to help but I only feel that I annoy you. I wish I could be there to help you but I'm nothing but a nuisance and make things worse. I'm always here for you if you need someone to speak to, I'll try my best to console you but I just wish that I could do more for you.
This goes for you as well Onee-Len. I want to be a good soeur to you and Rissa cause I'm the one that completes your family that you've worked hard for. I don't want to ruin it.
Please don't pity me. I'm just naive.