Entry #29: Happy days...
Well... a week ago Matt had applied to Wal-mart and they had called him on Tuesday wanting to know if they could interview with him the next day. So we went to Wal-mart about 1 pm and waited patiently for 3 to roll around. When it did he of course went off to do what he had to do and I wandered around the store. Mostly in the Fabric & Crafts and the Infants departments. I couldn't help myself on the latter... I miss being a mother. It burns in my heart. I cry often as if he passed away. But...I finally get a chance to start anew with Matt. I realized over the course of that thing that you are suppose to call a marriage to my ex-husband...that I was merely trying to replace Matt with other people. So I could fill the hole that was left in my heart without him around. Anyway... I need to move on in this.
I stared at things there while passing the Photo center (the old layway) several times wondering what was taking so long. I started to get elated because I thought that he got the job, but soon put it out of my mind so I didn't get my hopes up too high. A while later he pounced me from behind. O_O Boy...was I shocked. He told me the good news of him getting the job. He explained to me that he had the second interview right afterwords. I was so happy. Proud of him too...the confidence I saw in him was refreshing.
But I had decided one thing. If he was the only one supporting us, because I can't find a job... I'm some what bothered by it. I feel useless is a small way, which is why I decided to support him at home. Once we get this place a little more organized and cleaner... I'm going to be a "housewife". I'm not exactly his wife yet...but I will gladly play that role for him.
Although...I've always hated the idea of being a housewife. Or maybe I only felt that way, because my mother was trying to groom me to be that. *shrugs* It doesn't matter now. All feelings aside I will support him in this manner. Even after the CNA classes...I will still support him.
I will say this...he has become an impressive man. I mean...long ago he was impatient with me and my tears. Now... I cried during Clannad After Story when Ushio was born and he held me while rocking me slightly. To calm me down... He hadn't asked why I was... I only can assume that he already knew why. That gaping hole in my heart from a loss of my child that he is trying his damnedest to fill. I appreciate his effort more than anything in this world. I love him with all my heart too. If there is one thing I look forward to Matt... is the next year... I know it is going to be tough, but... you will be there and I know I can handle it all. That would be thanks to you.
I stared at things there while passing the Photo center (the old layway) several times wondering what was taking so long. I started to get elated because I thought that he got the job, but soon put it out of my mind so I didn't get my hopes up too high. A while later he pounced me from behind. O_O Boy...was I shocked. He told me the good news of him getting the job. He explained to me that he had the second interview right afterwords. I was so happy. Proud of him too...the confidence I saw in him was refreshing.
But I had decided one thing. If he was the only one supporting us, because I can't find a job... I'm some what bothered by it. I feel useless is a small way, which is why I decided to support him at home. Once we get this place a little more organized and cleaner... I'm going to be a "housewife". I'm not exactly his wife yet...but I will gladly play that role for him.
Although...I've always hated the idea of being a housewife. Or maybe I only felt that way, because my mother was trying to groom me to be that. *shrugs* It doesn't matter now. All feelings aside I will support him in this manner. Even after the CNA classes...I will still support him.
I will say this...he has become an impressive man. I mean...long ago he was impatient with me and my tears. Now... I cried during Clannad After Story when Ushio was born and he held me while rocking me slightly. To calm me down... He hadn't asked why I was... I only can assume that he already knew why. That gaping hole in my heart from a loss of my child that he is trying his damnedest to fill. I appreciate his effort more than anything in this world. I love him with all my heart too. If there is one thing I look forward to Matt... is the next year... I know it is going to be tough, but... you will be there and I know I can handle it all. That would be thanks to you.