(no subject)
Stupid joint pain, stupid body. Stupid health care.
Last year I stopped eating naproxen(anti-inflammatory drugs) regularly because I felt that I might becoming too dependent on them and I had this hope that I would be able to stop eating them completely. That was the goal my doctor and I had in the first place after all.
It's been working fine, every now and then I've had to go back to eating them for a short time to keep things under control but I recently ran out of my prescription so.. I thought, no more pills! It seems like my body is ok again! Yay!
But now, all those symptoms I had before I got the treatment are returning. I feel the stiffness in my joints, my feet which I can barely walk on, my hands which I cannot trust..
The pain, that stupid pain that I, last time, ignored for so long that I ended up being sick for almost 9 months before my mother forced me to see a doctor. I was so weak, I was like a turtle that got stuck lying on it's back, unable to get up from the bed without help.
And after that it took quite some time before I felt like I was back to normal.
It is so frustrating because I know these signs, I know it all too well.
But I had forgotten how bad it was.
Because while you're in pain, the only thing you can do is to keep going. You struggle, you bite your lips and maybe you cry a little, and you carry on.
And then you forget what it feels like to not be in pain every.single.second. It just sort of, becomes normal. And maybe you accept that, because you can't remember the last time you weren't in pain... You learn how to deal with it, how to work around it. Until you can't anymore.
And when you get this treatment, this really uncomplicated, simple treatment, that removes all the problems, it helps you recover to the point where you ask yourself;
"was it really that bad?"
Because you forget. You forget about how bad it was during those moments when the fever spiked and you were so LOST in that foggy world of shivering fits that your mother seriously considered calling an ambulance because "this is the 5th time this month already!"
You forget how it felt waking up every morning and wondering how on earth you were supposed to get up and walk that really short distance to the toilet.
How your family had to help you around the house during some days because you were so weak you couldn't even turn around while in bed, let alone take a shower.
How every little touch hurt so badly.. And how self-centered you became because of it, saying hurtful things because of it...
You forget the despair you felt. You forget the tiny hope you had when you finally started to see the improvement after taking those pills.. And you forget.. you stop being able to recall how bad it really was. Because you're fine now.
And now, I've had those early signs coming at me again, but at a greater speed than before, and I simply cannot ignore them.
So I have scheduled an appointment with a doctor again, but the waiting time is over a month, so I hope that thing's wont get so bad that I won't be able to work or affect my family.
I tried calling different places, but they are all fully booked. I even lost my cool during one call and started crying because I was in so much pain.
And this is only the beginning. How could I stand this before?
Over a month. Oh god.