The *worst* day ever
When I went to school this morning, I said: "Sometimes we should just stay in bed. Like today." But at this time I hadn't had the slightest idea how right I was gonna be.
So, today was what I would very much like to call the worst day ever.
In fact, I have to start much earlier than today to explain what really happened.
As you know, I have been on Twitter for quite some time now, and I have made a lot of WONDERFUL & AMAZING friends, whom I love so much and care so much about. To some, I have a slightly different relationship than others, but all in all, we're a big family on there.
Now, there have been certain things going around, letting me meet this wonderful Australian girl named Stacey about 6 weeks ago. We've become really close and we realized that we are literally the same person. We like the same things, dislike the same things, feel & even look kinda the same (so much, at least, that my Mom thought it was me when I showed her a picture of Stacey). I mean, we've only known each other for a couple of weeks but we are soooo close.
And ... well. I kinda fell in love with her, and she with me. So... erm... we're practically in a long-distance relationship with 8 hours time difference which, of course, SUCKS bigtime, especially because I really really need someone to hug me sometimes.
Anyway.
One of our dearest friends on Twitter, Jay (who's also Australian), has been suffering from health problems for a little while now. He had problems with nearly all his major organs, and he kept telling us he loved us etc, and we were really worried about him. But he kept coming online every day, talked to us etc, and we felt like our positive energy could reach out to him and made him a little better.
I always get up at 4am my time because this is the only way we can talk properly because of our stupid time difference. Every Tuesday, Jay has a radio show online, and I always listen to him via live streaming. He always plays songs for me, says "Hi Tanja!" when I tune in and things like that, and I really love listening to his music & talking to him while I'm a little snoozing before I gotta go to school / work.
So this morning, I got up at 4, like every day, listened to Jay who played a song for Stacey & me :) and everything was fine. I had to go at 6am my time, so I said goodbye to everyone and left the house. I went to Twitter on my iPhone on my way to school and was talking to Jay just like every day.
Then, first class: English. English classes have always been so boring for me, since it's Cambridge First Level, and I actually had an A in the Advanced exam. So I usually hide my iPhone under my scarf on the table and just tweet with my friends.
And then, it was around 8:30 my time, I got a tweet saying, it was Jay's sister writing, Jay's heart had stopped and had to be restarded, he was alive but in hospital, and that we should pray for him.
When I read that, my iPhone nearly fell on the floor because my hands were shaking so much. I suddenly felt sick, I looked at the teacher but didn't hear what she was saying, I felt like crying and shouting, I was so angry, sad and desperate, and I couldn't just leave the room. I had to sit quietly on my chair, pretending I was okay and paying attention to adjectives and adverbs, when in fact, all I could think about was Jay just having nearly died.
I kept staring at my iPhone, waiting for anyone to say anything. I immediately took out my other phone to text Stacey that Jay'd had an asystole and had to be revived. I just wanted to RUN to Australia, hug her and cry. I really did.
My classmates didn't really notice that I wasn't feeling well at all because I have been staring at my iPhone every 2minutes since the second I got it, so I had no one to talk about it.
During break, I was just sitting on the floor, talking to another Australian girl called Rachael, and we kept reassuring each other that Jay was gonna be fine and we should just pray and keep strong for him.
I kept talking to her on MSN during classes, first English, then Accountancy and eventually German class. It was so difficult to concentrate on what my teachers were trying to tell me. I tried to understand but my head felt so hot and dizzy and it was like, I look at them and listen to what they are saying, I read the exercises but it just won't get into my head.
When I was in German class, I was still talking to Rachael, we had to do some exercises about a book we had to read. The book is about the genocide in Rwanda 1994, and we were reading a text about race & discrimination and thinks like that.
Of course, discrimination isn't just races. It's sex, it's religion, it's ethnicity, it's sexuality. So she told us that, if someone says a guy who looks slightly feminine, is "so gay" he was discriminating based on sexuality. Literally my whole class started laughing about that, and my teacher did, too. She started joking around about lonely people, gays and death. She was joking about "nobody wants to be alone - I mean, of course, there are some loners, but honestly, what idiot wants to be alone all the time?" and "you can't just say every fat person has to die, that would be discrimination, too" and then she just said something about gays, like "So if you're gay - I mean, it could be..." etc and the whole class was laughing about the imagination of anyone of us being gay, and that it would be so funny and disgusting and things like that.
I was sitting on the right corner in the back, listening to them laughing about lonely people, gays and death - me, a lonely gay girl who had just nearly lost a dear friend. And this made me realize that I could never ever tell ANYONE here about how I feel.
I mean... I don't mind people on Twitter or anywhere else knowing I'm gay. But... in Switzerland, nobody is officially gay. And the ones who obviously are get strange looks and people laugh and point at them when they're holding hands or kissing or something. I am the definition of everything that is just not accepted in Switzerland: I'm lonely, I'm gay and I care about people who are different.
After our first (out of three) German classes, we had lunch break. We went to buy something in the grocery store and went back to school to eat. When I had finished my sandwich (I was still so sick but I had to eat...), I took my iPhone and sent Stacey an email, telling her what I had just heard in German class, that I felt like crying and even worse things, that I would really really need her right now and that I would soooo love to hug her.
When we went back to German class, they continued talking about this whole shit and I just stopped listening and just talked to Stacey, who'd come to MSN, and things got slightly better (because she ALWAYS makes me smile <3).
I hate this world, and I have a fucking right to do so because the world hates me, too.
Today showed me that, even though I had thought that I was accepted, I will never be a part of this community. At least not in Switzerland. It fucking hurts to know that, if anyone knew how I feel, they wouldn't even LOOK at me because here, gays are something funny and worthless. Something to stare and laugh at, something disguting and abnormal.
And what makes this whole thing even worse is that my girlfriend, the only person on this fucking planet who understands me and loves me, is so freaking far away... And meeting seems like somewhere near impossible because it's between two and three grand to fly from Zurich to Melbourne and back.
I am so scared. I can't concentrate on school, I can't think properly at work, I feel like crying and shouting all the time, I miss Stacey and one of the best friend I've ever had is lying in hospital fighting against death.
THE WORLD CAN SUCK SOOOO MUCH SOMETIMES. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG AND PULL THROUGH. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP EACH OTHER, SUPPORT EACH OTHER AND GET EACH OTHER UP IN DIFFICULT TIMES. INSTEAD I AM IN A CLASS THAT IS HOMOPHOBIC AS CAN BE, ALONG WITH MY TEACHERS AND NEARLY EVERY OTHER SWISS CITIZEN IN THIS FUCKING SO-CALLED NEUTRAL AND FREE COUNTRY.
And the only friends I have live too freaking far away.
I'm asking you, God. Do you honestly find this fair?
The only person who really loves me lives 30hrs & $3000 away, we're struggling with an 8 hour time difference (so I get up at 4am and she stays up until 5am just so we can talk)....
I know you like to challenge me.... but honestly.....................
:(
So, today was what I would very much like to call the worst day ever.
In fact, I have to start much earlier than today to explain what really happened.
As you know, I have been on Twitter for quite some time now, and I have made a lot of WONDERFUL & AMAZING friends, whom I love so much and care so much about. To some, I have a slightly different relationship than others, but all in all, we're a big family on there.
Now, there have been certain things going around, letting me meet this wonderful Australian girl named Stacey about 6 weeks ago. We've become really close and we realized that we are literally the same person. We like the same things, dislike the same things, feel & even look kinda the same (so much, at least, that my Mom thought it was me when I showed her a picture of Stacey). I mean, we've only known each other for a couple of weeks but we are soooo close.
And ... well. I kinda fell in love with her, and she with me. So... erm... we're practically in a long-distance relationship with 8 hours time difference which, of course, SUCKS bigtime, especially because I really really need someone to hug me sometimes.
Anyway.
One of our dearest friends on Twitter, Jay (who's also Australian), has been suffering from health problems for a little while now. He had problems with nearly all his major organs, and he kept telling us he loved us etc, and we were really worried about him. But he kept coming online every day, talked to us etc, and we felt like our positive energy could reach out to him and made him a little better.
I always get up at 4am my time because this is the only way we can talk properly because of our stupid time difference. Every Tuesday, Jay has a radio show online, and I always listen to him via live streaming. He always plays songs for me, says "Hi Tanja!" when I tune in and things like that, and I really love listening to his music & talking to him while I'm a little snoozing before I gotta go to school / work.
So this morning, I got up at 4, like every day, listened to Jay who played a song for Stacey & me :) and everything was fine. I had to go at 6am my time, so I said goodbye to everyone and left the house. I went to Twitter on my iPhone on my way to school and was talking to Jay just like every day.
Then, first class: English. English classes have always been so boring for me, since it's Cambridge First Level, and I actually had an A in the Advanced exam. So I usually hide my iPhone under my scarf on the table and just tweet with my friends.
And then, it was around 8:30 my time, I got a tweet saying, it was Jay's sister writing, Jay's heart had stopped and had to be restarded, he was alive but in hospital, and that we should pray for him.
When I read that, my iPhone nearly fell on the floor because my hands were shaking so much. I suddenly felt sick, I looked at the teacher but didn't hear what she was saying, I felt like crying and shouting, I was so angry, sad and desperate, and I couldn't just leave the room. I had to sit quietly on my chair, pretending I was okay and paying attention to adjectives and adverbs, when in fact, all I could think about was Jay just having nearly died.
I kept staring at my iPhone, waiting for anyone to say anything. I immediately took out my other phone to text Stacey that Jay'd had an asystole and had to be revived. I just wanted to RUN to Australia, hug her and cry. I really did.
My classmates didn't really notice that I wasn't feeling well at all because I have been staring at my iPhone every 2minutes since the second I got it, so I had no one to talk about it.
During break, I was just sitting on the floor, talking to another Australian girl called Rachael, and we kept reassuring each other that Jay was gonna be fine and we should just pray and keep strong for him.
I kept talking to her on MSN during classes, first English, then Accountancy and eventually German class. It was so difficult to concentrate on what my teachers were trying to tell me. I tried to understand but my head felt so hot and dizzy and it was like, I look at them and listen to what they are saying, I read the exercises but it just won't get into my head.
When I was in German class, I was still talking to Rachael, we had to do some exercises about a book we had to read. The book is about the genocide in Rwanda 1994, and we were reading a text about race & discrimination and thinks like that.
Of course, discrimination isn't just races. It's sex, it's religion, it's ethnicity, it's sexuality. So she told us that, if someone says a guy who looks slightly feminine, is "so gay" he was discriminating based on sexuality. Literally my whole class started laughing about that, and my teacher did, too. She started joking around about lonely people, gays and death. She was joking about "nobody wants to be alone - I mean, of course, there are some loners, but honestly, what idiot wants to be alone all the time?" and "you can't just say every fat person has to die, that would be discrimination, too" and then she just said something about gays, like "So if you're gay - I mean, it could be..." etc and the whole class was laughing about the imagination of anyone of us being gay, and that it would be so funny and disgusting and things like that.
I was sitting on the right corner in the back, listening to them laughing about lonely people, gays and death - me, a lonely gay girl who had just nearly lost a dear friend. And this made me realize that I could never ever tell ANYONE here about how I feel.
I mean... I don't mind people on Twitter or anywhere else knowing I'm gay. But... in Switzerland, nobody is officially gay. And the ones who obviously are get strange looks and people laugh and point at them when they're holding hands or kissing or something. I am the definition of everything that is just not accepted in Switzerland: I'm lonely, I'm gay and I care about people who are different.
After our first (out of three) German classes, we had lunch break. We went to buy something in the grocery store and went back to school to eat. When I had finished my sandwich (I was still so sick but I had to eat...), I took my iPhone and sent Stacey an email, telling her what I had just heard in German class, that I felt like crying and even worse things, that I would really really need her right now and that I would soooo love to hug her.
When we went back to German class, they continued talking about this whole shit and I just stopped listening and just talked to Stacey, who'd come to MSN, and things got slightly better (because she ALWAYS makes me smile <3).
I hate this world, and I have a fucking right to do so because the world hates me, too.
Today showed me that, even though I had thought that I was accepted, I will never be a part of this community. At least not in Switzerland. It fucking hurts to know that, if anyone knew how I feel, they wouldn't even LOOK at me because here, gays are something funny and worthless. Something to stare and laugh at, something disguting and abnormal.
And what makes this whole thing even worse is that my girlfriend, the only person on this fucking planet who understands me and loves me, is so freaking far away... And meeting seems like somewhere near impossible because it's between two and three grand to fly from Zurich to Melbourne and back.
I am so scared. I can't concentrate on school, I can't think properly at work, I feel like crying and shouting all the time, I miss Stacey and one of the best friend I've ever had is lying in hospital fighting against death.
THE WORLD CAN SUCK SOOOO MUCH SOMETIMES. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG AND PULL THROUGH. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP EACH OTHER, SUPPORT EACH OTHER AND GET EACH OTHER UP IN DIFFICULT TIMES. INSTEAD I AM IN A CLASS THAT IS HOMOPHOBIC AS CAN BE, ALONG WITH MY TEACHERS AND NEARLY EVERY OTHER SWISS CITIZEN IN THIS FUCKING SO-CALLED NEUTRAL AND FREE COUNTRY.
And the only friends I have live too freaking far away.
I'm asking you, God. Do you honestly find this fair?
The only person who really loves me lives 30hrs & $3000 away, we're struggling with an 8 hour time difference (so I get up at 4am and she stays up until 5am just so we can talk)....
I know you like to challenge me.... but honestly.....................
:(