[fic] Just Don't Look Back, Chapter 23 - Yugioh, YamixYugi, angst/romance, R, AU
Title: Just Don't Look Back
Chapter: 23
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 -
---
The earthquake’s first jolt threw Yami against the side of his desk and knocked his breath from him. From the front of the classroom came the order: “Everyone under your desks!” Within a well-rehearsed second, he and his classmates had slipped under cover, just as another stronger jolt shook the building. Bookshelves along the walls crashed amidst the shaking and ceiling tiles tumbled down, breaking and sending up billows of dust. Yami wound one arm around the leg of his desk, trying to stay upright, but found himself thrown flat on the floor. Fear trickled through his body. There had been earthquakes before, but not like this…
Why isn’t it over yet? He thought as he squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the desk leg as if it would hold him steady. It was all he could do to stay under it as the quake shook the floor violently. He could hear more things falling around him.
The lights went out, sending up a chorus of cries from shock. Through the dark came the rending of metal and concrete and he felt the whole building shudder. The floor seemed to slope abruptly downward to the right, as if picked up and tilted by a giant.
His panicked mind flashed an image to him of the tons of concrete and steel above his head, imagining it crashing down upon him, and he clung even more tightly to the table leg.
Somewhere to his right, he heard another crash. Pieces of something hit the top of his desk. The room erupted in louder screams, more raw and primal than the earlier ones. Some died away too quickly while some continued on and Yami kept his eyes closed because voluntary darkness was better than what was around him now.
Make it stop, he begged. Just make it stop…
And it did. The sounds in the room faded to whimpers and sobs. Yami dared to open his eyes to see a world of black staring back at him and he closed his eyes again before he could confront it.
“Nobody move,” their teacher called. His voice was shaking, but still authoritative. “There may be aftershocks. I will try to come around with first aid.”
Yami felt sore and shaken, but didn’t think he was really injured, so he stayed quiet, coughing occasionally from the dust in the air. Noises came from nearby, gasps or murmurs or sobs from the others. A girl’s voice from near the back of the class drifted by; the small, helpless word “ow…” repeated over and over in a confused, tearful tone.
He could hear distant sounds too, screams from other parts of the school perhaps. Some of his classmates called out weakly to friends, receiving mumbled reassurances in response. A few of the calls went unanswered.
Shoua.
His eyes flew open as he stared into the dark. For a moment, he was numb with new terror, until he managed to tell himself: He’s okay, he has to be okay.
The dark was getting to be too much. He could only make out vague shapes through the gloom of dust and blackness. Where were the windows?
Did the building collapse?
Again he was reminded of the weight that may be waiting above them, preparing to crush them at any second and a low, fearful sound escaped his throat. He closed his eyes again and pressed himself to the floor as a small aftershock rolled through, and stayed like that for as long as he could stand, before having to look around again.
His eyes had adjusted now. His heart leapt as he saw a small crack of light along one wall. He struggled to his knees and crawled toward it. Maybe there was a way out there. The sight of other human silhouettes told him that he wasn’t the only person who sought escape, or merely the comfort that light could bring. He recognized a few of his classmates in the slight glow and was startled at how different they looked with wide, blank eyes. They stared back at him, looking equally stunned. The sound of the teacher ordering them to get back under cover barely caused a flinch as they huddled around the light.
More sharp shakes assaulted the building. A horrible cracking sound filled the air and something unseen threw Yami hard to the ground. Screaming filled his ears as pain flowed from his shoulder down his back and arm and it took him a moment to realize the screams were his own.
Stop, stop!
It didn’t stop. The pain only increased, transforming into throbbing that was almost worse than the first strikes. He couldn’t even feel his hand, much less move. Tears were trickling down his face; at least, he hoped they were tears and not something else. Someone touched his other arm; another dark silhouette tried to speak to him, but their voices were lost in the cries that tore their way from his throat with every breath.
Trapped, helpless, in dark, choking torture he hadn’t even known existed.
Finally, after what could have been years, he felt his body giving up. He had no more breath to cry with and his throat was too raw to make another sound. It should have been a mercy when his mind began to fade, but still he tried to fight the blackness. He couldn’t take any more darkness, be it around him or in his own mind.
His body didn’t agree and it won the fight for the moment. The next time he opened his eyes, it was to the brightness of the sun and the blurry sight of relief workers.
Sixteen point four seconds, they said later. Sixteen point four seconds to destroy his world, though it took years
before he really understood how much damage it had done.
- - -
A hiss of air breaks preceded the mechanical clunking of the bus’s well-worn doors opening. With a nod to the bus driver, Yami stepped off it and onto the sidewalk and stumbled toward an overhang. From under it he stared gloomily out at the rain.
The rainy season. Rain was no longer the cleansing, peaceful atmosphere he’d once regarded it. Now, rain meant sitting in one place, on the same steps all day and seeing very few people. It wasn’t conducive to panhandling and, worse, meant being left alone with his thoughts for hours at a time. And it happened to coincide with the month of June, and with a birthday which was either approaching or had shortly passed…he wasn’t quite sure.
He was fine with not knowing.
Huddling in a ball on the steps, he pretended to sleep. It was easier than having to see people hurry away from him when they caught sight of his dull-eyed gaze, as if they thought whatever was wrong with him was something contagious.
Just as bad were the pity stares. No…those were worse. Those presumed that he was somehow a pitiable creature who deserved sympathy. And that hurt much, much worse than any other assumption.
Keeping his eyes closed was the best choice. The voices of people on the street drifted in and out of hearing range, interspersing with memories.
“-told him no way in hell was I working overtime-”
“You’re my best friend, Yami.”
“I’m saving for a car, it’ll be great for the next rainy season.”
“Really? What kind? I love the new hybrids-”
“I love you. I love you, Shoua. I- I will always love you-”
“Momma, why is that man there? He looks funny.”
“He’s probably homeless. Don’t go near him, Anna.”
“You killed me.”
“The number of bums around here has skyrocketed lately; the city should do something about them.”
“I know, it’s not safe- Anna, stay beside your father, don’t get so close to the road.”
“You’re killing Yugi.”
“-heard on the news about the subway crash in Tokyo, one of the worst they said-”
“It’s killing me, Yami.”
Killing me killing me killing me...
The rain let up by late afternoon. After a short consideration of his options, helped along by a police officer who stopped and ordered him to move from the property, he decided to return to the bus depot. This town was no good, he could already tell.
People veered aside as he trudged along the sidewalk. The sole of his right shoe had come unglued a few days before and curled under his shuffling, pitching him forward.
“Ugh,” he mumbled, falling against a post and deciding to remain there until the world stopped spinning unnaturally fast. His stomach pinched. He wasn't sure when he'd last eaten. Food had become a secondary need these days.
Just keep moving, he tried to urge himself. You have to keep moving. Moving was his proof that he was still alive.
Dizzy from the summer heat and hunger, he shook his head to try to clear it, but it only seemed to jumble up his thoughts further, breaking the sentences into fragments that chased each other around his mind.
“We’ll always-”
“-broken-”
“I love…”
“This wasn’t what I-”
“No…no…!”
He stumbled again, this time with some bewilderment. The ground had suddenly become uneven. Odd, for a paved sidewalk. Especially when the post had been doing such a swell job holding him up.
His stumble had confused the voices as well. For a moment, they were all muddled together in an incomprehensible murmur.
And then one voice, clear and strong, cut through the rest. “Look out!”
Yami’s heart leapt and his head jolted up.
“Yugi?”
Yugi wasn’t there. He saw the car though, only meters away.
The futile screech of tires on wet pavement, the pain that suddenly splintered through him- shattering him, locking up his mind-
The miserable, cold road under his head, the noxious car fumes, the clammy rain water soaking into his clothing. No…it wasn’t only water. There was another liquid, with a sickening, metallic smell. He could taste it in his mouth. His body was gripped in agony.
Yugi, Yugi would help him, Yugi could stop the pain. Except he couldn’t move, not at all, nothing would move, why couldn’t he move, he had to move, he had to find Yugi-
Yugi isn’t here.
His fight drained away and the blackness came for him again. This time he reached out gratefully into the blessing of nothingness and let it take him in.
- - -
Yugi slowed to a pause as he reached the corner of the sidewalk. Silently, he gazed off down one of the streets, straining his eyes, even knowing it was pointless.
“Yug! Hey, Yugi!”
Jumping, Yugi spun around to see Jounouchi jogging over, out-of-breath.
“Oh, hi Jounouchi.”
Still catching his breath, he peered over Yugi’s shoulder. “What’re you looking at? Your house isn’t this way.”
“I know.” Yugi turned resolutely away from the street he’d been staring down. “Your house isn’t this way either, what are you doing here?”
Jounouchi frowned. “I was coming over to your place today, remember? You said I could play your Sims game earlier and then you just took off without me.”
His face flushed and Yugi grimaced. “Oh no…I’m sorry Jounouchi, I forgot.”
He was still frowning. “It’s still okay if I come over, isn’t it?”
“What? Of course it is. I just spaced out, it’s alright. Let’s go.”
As they began walking, Yugi resisted the urge to glance back over his shoulder. There wasn’t going to be anyone there; at least, not the person he was half-hoping, half-dreading he would see. Now that he thought about it, there were other routes home. He really ought to go back to using one of those. Subjecting himself to a cycle of anxiety, disappointment, relief, and guilt every single day probably bordered on masochistic.
These thoughts carried him home, where he was distracted a bit by Jounouchi plopping down in front of his television and announcing he was going to make a Sim character resembling Seto Kaiba and would have said character die in multiple fiery ways. He and their wealthy, privileged classmate had been butting heads ever since they met. Yugi was amused briefly, thinking that killing Kaiba in a Sims game, (regardless of what the press said about the effects of violent video games), was a step up from challenging him to fistfights. He lay down on the couch to watch.
“Don’t you want to play?” Jounouchi asked.
“Nah. I can play it anytime I want, you go ahead.”
“Cool. I wish I got games for my birthday. Instead Mom sends me clothes. Clothes! Do I look like someone who cares about clothes?”
“That might be why she continues to send you clothes,” Yugi pointed out half-heartedly. “To replace the ones you rip.”
“That’s stupid. Sending me stuff that she knows I’m just going to wear out anyway…makes no sense.”
Normally, this would be Yugi’s cue to jump in with a joke about Jounouchi’s rough-and-tumble lifestyle, but he just lay there quietly on the couch and watched Sim-Kaiba get crushed by a falling satellite.
Suspicious, Jounouchi put down the controller and spun around. “Alright, what’s going on? You’ve been moping like this for days. Is this still about Yami? Because it seemed like you were doing better.”
“I was.”
“So what’s up with the gloom now?”
Yugi sighed. He knew the words would sound whiny even before he said them, but he mumbled anyway, “I guess…I was hoping that he might contact me on my birthday. Even just a card or a phone message. But he didn’t.”
“I’m sure he thought of you and um…sent good thoughts,” Jounouchi offered feebly.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now.”
“Maybe he was just someplace without a phone.”
“I doubt that’s why.”
“Look, you did what you had to do. If he’s still upset about it, that’s his fault,” Jounouchi said, somewhat exasperated.
Everyone keeps saying that, but what if I didn’t do the right thing, Yugi thought. He was hurt…maybe I should have let go, but I shouldn’t have blamed him. He really loved me and I made him believe I could support him…then I got scared and bolted, after I told him he could rely on me. I had no right to be angry at him for being upset. I’d just hurt him, of course he was upset. I never should have yelled…
He knew he couldn’t actually say all the words he was thinking. Jounouchi got skittish when it came to overly-emotional discussions. “I let my worry over Grandpa interfere with what I wanted to say when we broke up,” he finally said. “I’d planned to have a speech made up, planned to talk it out rationally, but I was caught off-guard and just said a bunch of things… I pretty much blamed all my unhappiness on him.”
“Well,” Jounouchi said slowly, “you were unhappy because of him, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have to be so mean about it.” Yugi paused, plucking at the couch cover. “He was already all ripped up inside. I was afraid of that and I felt helpless and that made me say some pretty bad things. He deserved better than that.”
“Maybe you could ask his mom if she’s heard from him-”
“No. It’s done, it’s over. If he doesn’t want to contact me, he doesn’t have to.”
Unspoken went another thought, one he’d only considered a few times in the darkest moments.
If he’s even alive.
The moment he thought it now, he pushed it aside. He couldn’t think about that. Even knowing how far Yami had fallen. Even if it was something he’d worried about even before the break-up. He couldn’t let his fears ever stray that way.
Jounouchi was watching him, an odd look in his eyes.
“This week’s just been tough is all. I’ll be fine,” Yugi finally said. “I did what was right for me. I should have done it differently, but it’s too late to change that. I can’t start that cycle up again.” He lowered his chin to the cushions, eyes downcast. “I shouldn’t be hurt. After how I treated him, I’ve got no right to be hurt by this. But it really…” He trailed off, not bothering to finish.
Jounouchi watched him fidget with the cover, concerned. Yugi had been quiet and visibly devastated for awhile after the break-up, but he’d been getting better, back to his normal cheerful self. Seeing him slide back down into this funk again worried him.
“Why don’t you try going on a date with someone? I know you weren’t one for it before, but we’ve got some new students around this year. A couple guys even, you know, if you’re still into that.” Jounouchi was really doing his best to sound as if he was enthusiastic about dating. Yugi didn’t have the heart to interrupt him. “I’ve seen at least one checking you out.”
Yugi shook his head. “I know who you’re talking about, his name is Touji. He asked me out the other day.”
Jounouchi brightened. “And what did you say?”
“I said no, thanks.”
His expression fell. “Why?”
“It would just be a rebound. It wouldn’t be fair to accept a date and then admit that I’ve got no interest in a relationship.”
“Oh.”
Turning and stretching out on his back, Yugi said to the ceiling: “I guess it’s true that you never get over a first love.”
Uneasy, Jounouchi said, “Yugi…”
“Yami loved Shoua more than he could ever love me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know he told Shoua he loved him. He never told me that. He could never open his heart to me, even though I gave him everything I had.” He paused, continuing to stare upwards and murmuring, “everything,” under his breath a second time.
“So…what if Yami came back? Would you take him back?” Jounouchi asked.
“Yami’s not coming back.” Yugi spotted Jounouchi’s puzzled frown and shrugged. “He’s got no reason to come back.”
“Yugi, come on. He loved you.”
“Not enough to make a difference in the end. I thought that, I thought maybe if he loved me enough I could save him, but that…it didn’t happen.”
“But let’s say he did,” Jounouchi insisted.
Yugi rolled over so that he wouldn’t see his eyes. “Then the answer is no. I wouldn’t. I…can’t.”
And that was harder for Jounouchi to sit there and listen to his friend say than anything else. This wasn’t Yugi, this blank person with a mask and some sort of emotionless ‘I don’t care anymore’ philosophy. That wasn’t the kind of person his best friend was and it hurt to see him forcing it.
But what was worse was the knowledge that under the mask was pain. Pain that Yugi’s pride wouldn’t let Jounouchi touch or help with.
Jounouchi understood pride, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch Yugi struggle to conceal his hurt behind it. Never in his life had he heard a “no” sound more like a “yes.”
X - X - X
Notes: Touji is a reference to Silver Diamond. He and Yugi would be kinda cute, him with his feather poof hair and Yugi with his star poof hair.
My computer curled up and died with a virus or something today. It won't even boot up. I'm working off my back-up computer. Needless to say, I'm not in a particularly stable frame of mind. But I swore I'd update today and so an update it is.
I actually went back and re-read this whole fic the other day...there are scenes I'm still pleased with, but now I'm spotting all sorts of scenes that make me cringe and itch to re-write them. ^^; I guess, with every chapter fic, I find something to improve on. So in theory, about twenty fics from now, I might finally write one that I'm satisfied with the whole way though.
Chapter: 23
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/romance
Pairing: YamixYugi
Archive: Here
Overall warnings: AU, implied sex, insanity, violence
Spoilers: None.
Summary: Before he met Yugi, Yami spent his days panhandling alone. Yugi put his heart into changing Yami’s life, giving him companionship, a home and his love. But even he can’t save Yami from the control of his past, nor the dark path he is set upon.
Disclaimer: Yugioh continues to not belong to me.
- 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 -
---
The earthquake’s first jolt threw Yami against the side of his desk and knocked his breath from him. From the front of the classroom came the order: “Everyone under your desks!” Within a well-rehearsed second, he and his classmates had slipped under cover, just as another stronger jolt shook the building. Bookshelves along the walls crashed amidst the shaking and ceiling tiles tumbled down, breaking and sending up billows of dust. Yami wound one arm around the leg of his desk, trying to stay upright, but found himself thrown flat on the floor. Fear trickled through his body. There had been earthquakes before, but not like this…
Why isn’t it over yet? He thought as he squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the desk leg as if it would hold him steady. It was all he could do to stay under it as the quake shook the floor violently. He could hear more things falling around him.
The lights went out, sending up a chorus of cries from shock. Through the dark came the rending of metal and concrete and he felt the whole building shudder. The floor seemed to slope abruptly downward to the right, as if picked up and tilted by a giant.
His panicked mind flashed an image to him of the tons of concrete and steel above his head, imagining it crashing down upon him, and he clung even more tightly to the table leg.
Somewhere to his right, he heard another crash. Pieces of something hit the top of his desk. The room erupted in louder screams, more raw and primal than the earlier ones. Some died away too quickly while some continued on and Yami kept his eyes closed because voluntary darkness was better than what was around him now.
Make it stop, he begged. Just make it stop…
And it did. The sounds in the room faded to whimpers and sobs. Yami dared to open his eyes to see a world of black staring back at him and he closed his eyes again before he could confront it.
“Nobody move,” their teacher called. His voice was shaking, but still authoritative. “There may be aftershocks. I will try to come around with first aid.”
Yami felt sore and shaken, but didn’t think he was really injured, so he stayed quiet, coughing occasionally from the dust in the air. Noises came from nearby, gasps or murmurs or sobs from the others. A girl’s voice from near the back of the class drifted by; the small, helpless word “ow…” repeated over and over in a confused, tearful tone.
He could hear distant sounds too, screams from other parts of the school perhaps. Some of his classmates called out weakly to friends, receiving mumbled reassurances in response. A few of the calls went unanswered.
Shoua.
His eyes flew open as he stared into the dark. For a moment, he was numb with new terror, until he managed to tell himself: He’s okay, he has to be okay.
The dark was getting to be too much. He could only make out vague shapes through the gloom of dust and blackness. Where were the windows?
Did the building collapse?
Again he was reminded of the weight that may be waiting above them, preparing to crush them at any second and a low, fearful sound escaped his throat. He closed his eyes again and pressed himself to the floor as a small aftershock rolled through, and stayed like that for as long as he could stand, before having to look around again.
His eyes had adjusted now. His heart leapt as he saw a small crack of light along one wall. He struggled to his knees and crawled toward it. Maybe there was a way out there. The sight of other human silhouettes told him that he wasn’t the only person who sought escape, or merely the comfort that light could bring. He recognized a few of his classmates in the slight glow and was startled at how different they looked with wide, blank eyes. They stared back at him, looking equally stunned. The sound of the teacher ordering them to get back under cover barely caused a flinch as they huddled around the light.
More sharp shakes assaulted the building. A horrible cracking sound filled the air and something unseen threw Yami hard to the ground. Screaming filled his ears as pain flowed from his shoulder down his back and arm and it took him a moment to realize the screams were his own.
Stop, stop!
It didn’t stop. The pain only increased, transforming into throbbing that was almost worse than the first strikes. He couldn’t even feel his hand, much less move. Tears were trickling down his face; at least, he hoped they were tears and not something else. Someone touched his other arm; another dark silhouette tried to speak to him, but their voices were lost in the cries that tore their way from his throat with every breath.
Trapped, helpless, in dark, choking torture he hadn’t even known existed.
Finally, after what could have been years, he felt his body giving up. He had no more breath to cry with and his throat was too raw to make another sound. It should have been a mercy when his mind began to fade, but still he tried to fight the blackness. He couldn’t take any more darkness, be it around him or in his own mind.
His body didn’t agree and it won the fight for the moment. The next time he opened his eyes, it was to the brightness of the sun and the blurry sight of relief workers.
Sixteen point four seconds, they said later. Sixteen point four seconds to destroy his world, though it took years
before he really understood how much damage it had done.
- - -
A hiss of air breaks preceded the mechanical clunking of the bus’s well-worn doors opening. With a nod to the bus driver, Yami stepped off it and onto the sidewalk and stumbled toward an overhang. From under it he stared gloomily out at the rain.
The rainy season. Rain was no longer the cleansing, peaceful atmosphere he’d once regarded it. Now, rain meant sitting in one place, on the same steps all day and seeing very few people. It wasn’t conducive to panhandling and, worse, meant being left alone with his thoughts for hours at a time. And it happened to coincide with the month of June, and with a birthday which was either approaching or had shortly passed…he wasn’t quite sure.
He was fine with not knowing.
Huddling in a ball on the steps, he pretended to sleep. It was easier than having to see people hurry away from him when they caught sight of his dull-eyed gaze, as if they thought whatever was wrong with him was something contagious.
Just as bad were the pity stares. No…those were worse. Those presumed that he was somehow a pitiable creature who deserved sympathy. And that hurt much, much worse than any other assumption.
Keeping his eyes closed was the best choice. The voices of people on the street drifted in and out of hearing range, interspersing with memories.
“-told him no way in hell was I working overtime-”
“You’re my best friend, Yami.”
“I’m saving for a car, it’ll be great for the next rainy season.”
“Really? What kind? I love the new hybrids-”
“I love you. I love you, Shoua. I- I will always love you-”
“Momma, why is that man there? He looks funny.”
“He’s probably homeless. Don’t go near him, Anna.”
“You killed me.”
“The number of bums around here has skyrocketed lately; the city should do something about them.”
“I know, it’s not safe- Anna, stay beside your father, don’t get so close to the road.”
“You’re killing Yugi.”
“-heard on the news about the subway crash in Tokyo, one of the worst they said-”
“It’s killing me, Yami.”
Killing me killing me killing me...
The rain let up by late afternoon. After a short consideration of his options, helped along by a police officer who stopped and ordered him to move from the property, he decided to return to the bus depot. This town was no good, he could already tell.
People veered aside as he trudged along the sidewalk. The sole of his right shoe had come unglued a few days before and curled under his shuffling, pitching him forward.
“Ugh,” he mumbled, falling against a post and deciding to remain there until the world stopped spinning unnaturally fast. His stomach pinched. He wasn't sure when he'd last eaten. Food had become a secondary need these days.
Just keep moving, he tried to urge himself. You have to keep moving. Moving was his proof that he was still alive.
Dizzy from the summer heat and hunger, he shook his head to try to clear it, but it only seemed to jumble up his thoughts further, breaking the sentences into fragments that chased each other around his mind.
“We’ll always-”
“-broken-”
“I love…”
“This wasn’t what I-”
“No…no…!”
He stumbled again, this time with some bewilderment. The ground had suddenly become uneven. Odd, for a paved sidewalk. Especially when the post had been doing such a swell job holding him up.
His stumble had confused the voices as well. For a moment, they were all muddled together in an incomprehensible murmur.
And then one voice, clear and strong, cut through the rest. “Look out!”
Yami’s heart leapt and his head jolted up.
“Yugi?”
Yugi wasn’t there. He saw the car though, only meters away.
The futile screech of tires on wet pavement, the pain that suddenly splintered through him- shattering him, locking up his mind-
The miserable, cold road under his head, the noxious car fumes, the clammy rain water soaking into his clothing. No…it wasn’t only water. There was another liquid, with a sickening, metallic smell. He could taste it in his mouth. His body was gripped in agony.
Yugi, Yugi would help him, Yugi could stop the pain. Except he couldn’t move, not at all, nothing would move, why couldn’t he move, he had to move, he had to find Yugi-
Yugi isn’t here.
His fight drained away and the blackness came for him again. This time he reached out gratefully into the blessing of nothingness and let it take him in.
- - -
Yugi slowed to a pause as he reached the corner of the sidewalk. Silently, he gazed off down one of the streets, straining his eyes, even knowing it was pointless.
“Yug! Hey, Yugi!”
Jumping, Yugi spun around to see Jounouchi jogging over, out-of-breath.
“Oh, hi Jounouchi.”
Still catching his breath, he peered over Yugi’s shoulder. “What’re you looking at? Your house isn’t this way.”
“I know.” Yugi turned resolutely away from the street he’d been staring down. “Your house isn’t this way either, what are you doing here?”
Jounouchi frowned. “I was coming over to your place today, remember? You said I could play your Sims game earlier and then you just took off without me.”
His face flushed and Yugi grimaced. “Oh no…I’m sorry Jounouchi, I forgot.”
He was still frowning. “It’s still okay if I come over, isn’t it?”
“What? Of course it is. I just spaced out, it’s alright. Let’s go.”
As they began walking, Yugi resisted the urge to glance back over his shoulder. There wasn’t going to be anyone there; at least, not the person he was half-hoping, half-dreading he would see. Now that he thought about it, there were other routes home. He really ought to go back to using one of those. Subjecting himself to a cycle of anxiety, disappointment, relief, and guilt every single day probably bordered on masochistic.
These thoughts carried him home, where he was distracted a bit by Jounouchi plopping down in front of his television and announcing he was going to make a Sim character resembling Seto Kaiba and would have said character die in multiple fiery ways. He and their wealthy, privileged classmate had been butting heads ever since they met. Yugi was amused briefly, thinking that killing Kaiba in a Sims game, (regardless of what the press said about the effects of violent video games), was a step up from challenging him to fistfights. He lay down on the couch to watch.
“Don’t you want to play?” Jounouchi asked.
“Nah. I can play it anytime I want, you go ahead.”
“Cool. I wish I got games for my birthday. Instead Mom sends me clothes. Clothes! Do I look like someone who cares about clothes?”
“That might be why she continues to send you clothes,” Yugi pointed out half-heartedly. “To replace the ones you rip.”
“That’s stupid. Sending me stuff that she knows I’m just going to wear out anyway…makes no sense.”
Normally, this would be Yugi’s cue to jump in with a joke about Jounouchi’s rough-and-tumble lifestyle, but he just lay there quietly on the couch and watched Sim-Kaiba get crushed by a falling satellite.
Suspicious, Jounouchi put down the controller and spun around. “Alright, what’s going on? You’ve been moping like this for days. Is this still about Yami? Because it seemed like you were doing better.”
“I was.”
“So what’s up with the gloom now?”
Yugi sighed. He knew the words would sound whiny even before he said them, but he mumbled anyway, “I guess…I was hoping that he might contact me on my birthday. Even just a card or a phone message. But he didn’t.”
“I’m sure he thought of you and um…sent good thoughts,” Jounouchi offered feebly.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter now.”
“Maybe he was just someplace without a phone.”
“I doubt that’s why.”
“Look, you did what you had to do. If he’s still upset about it, that’s his fault,” Jounouchi said, somewhat exasperated.
Everyone keeps saying that, but what if I didn’t do the right thing, Yugi thought. He was hurt…maybe I should have let go, but I shouldn’t have blamed him. He really loved me and I made him believe I could support him…then I got scared and bolted, after I told him he could rely on me. I had no right to be angry at him for being upset. I’d just hurt him, of course he was upset. I never should have yelled…
He knew he couldn’t actually say all the words he was thinking. Jounouchi got skittish when it came to overly-emotional discussions. “I let my worry over Grandpa interfere with what I wanted to say when we broke up,” he finally said. “I’d planned to have a speech made up, planned to talk it out rationally, but I was caught off-guard and just said a bunch of things… I pretty much blamed all my unhappiness on him.”
“Well,” Jounouchi said slowly, “you were unhappy because of him, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have to be so mean about it.” Yugi paused, plucking at the couch cover. “He was already all ripped up inside. I was afraid of that and I felt helpless and that made me say some pretty bad things. He deserved better than that.”
“Maybe you could ask his mom if she’s heard from him-”
“No. It’s done, it’s over. If he doesn’t want to contact me, he doesn’t have to.”
Unspoken went another thought, one he’d only considered a few times in the darkest moments.
If he’s even alive.
The moment he thought it now, he pushed it aside. He couldn’t think about that. Even knowing how far Yami had fallen. Even if it was something he’d worried about even before the break-up. He couldn’t let his fears ever stray that way.
Jounouchi was watching him, an odd look in his eyes.
“This week’s just been tough is all. I’ll be fine,” Yugi finally said. “I did what was right for me. I should have done it differently, but it’s too late to change that. I can’t start that cycle up again.” He lowered his chin to the cushions, eyes downcast. “I shouldn’t be hurt. After how I treated him, I’ve got no right to be hurt by this. But it really…” He trailed off, not bothering to finish.
Jounouchi watched him fidget with the cover, concerned. Yugi had been quiet and visibly devastated for awhile after the break-up, but he’d been getting better, back to his normal cheerful self. Seeing him slide back down into this funk again worried him.
“Why don’t you try going on a date with someone? I know you weren’t one for it before, but we’ve got some new students around this year. A couple guys even, you know, if you’re still into that.” Jounouchi was really doing his best to sound as if he was enthusiastic about dating. Yugi didn’t have the heart to interrupt him. “I’ve seen at least one checking you out.”
Yugi shook his head. “I know who you’re talking about, his name is Touji. He asked me out the other day.”
Jounouchi brightened. “And what did you say?”
“I said no, thanks.”
His expression fell. “Why?”
“It would just be a rebound. It wouldn’t be fair to accept a date and then admit that I’ve got no interest in a relationship.”
“Oh.”
Turning and stretching out on his back, Yugi said to the ceiling: “I guess it’s true that you never get over a first love.”
Uneasy, Jounouchi said, “Yugi…”
“Yami loved Shoua more than he could ever love me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know he told Shoua he loved him. He never told me that. He could never open his heart to me, even though I gave him everything I had.” He paused, continuing to stare upwards and murmuring, “everything,” under his breath a second time.
“So…what if Yami came back? Would you take him back?” Jounouchi asked.
“Yami’s not coming back.” Yugi spotted Jounouchi’s puzzled frown and shrugged. “He’s got no reason to come back.”
“Yugi, come on. He loved you.”
“Not enough to make a difference in the end. I thought that, I thought maybe if he loved me enough I could save him, but that…it didn’t happen.”
“But let’s say he did,” Jounouchi insisted.
Yugi rolled over so that he wouldn’t see his eyes. “Then the answer is no. I wouldn’t. I…can’t.”
And that was harder for Jounouchi to sit there and listen to his friend say than anything else. This wasn’t Yugi, this blank person with a mask and some sort of emotionless ‘I don’t care anymore’ philosophy. That wasn’t the kind of person his best friend was and it hurt to see him forcing it.
But what was worse was the knowledge that under the mask was pain. Pain that Yugi’s pride wouldn’t let Jounouchi touch or help with.
Jounouchi understood pride, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch Yugi struggle to conceal his hurt behind it. Never in his life had he heard a “no” sound more like a “yes.”
X - X - X
Notes: Touji is a reference to Silver Diamond. He and Yugi would be kinda cute, him with his feather poof hair and Yugi with his star poof hair.
My computer curled up and died with a virus or something today. It won't even boot up. I'm working off my back-up computer. Needless to say, I'm not in a particularly stable frame of mind. But I swore I'd update today and so an update it is.
I actually went back and re-read this whole fic the other day...there are scenes I'm still pleased with, but now I'm spotting all sorts of scenes that make me cringe and itch to re-write them. ^^; I guess, with every chapter fic, I find something to improve on. So in theory, about twenty fics from now, I might finally write one that I'm satisfied with the whole way though.