[fic] Road Trip - Yugioh, crack, PG-13
Title: Road Trip: The Everything You Know is Wrong Yugioh Parody - Version 2.0
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack/humor
Pairings: YamixYugi mentioned in passing, vague Bakura/Ryou
Archive: Here
Warnings: Randomness, insanity, no logic, nonsense, Sennen-item-spirits-with-bodies, and crack.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: What happens when Anzu gives her report on what happened over her summer break? A lot of things.
Disclaimer: Yugioh, its variations, the song Everything You Know is Wrong, Rave Master, and the Uzi trademark do not belong to me.
Notes: This fic does not make any sense. You should not expect it to make any sense. Attempting to interject logic into this will only result in your brain cells imploding. This was originally written several years ago, and my mom liked it so much that I said I would fix it up and re-post it for her birthday this year. Despite the dorkiness of some of them I kept most of the original jokes intact for old times sake, (though I added more Puzzleshipping 8D), and the only big changes are to grammar and names (from dubbed to original). Therefore, the writing will probably seem sort of 'off.' That said, please enjoy this foray into my deep dark fic-writing past. xD And Happy Birthday Mom!
---
“Anzu, why don’t you give your report next-” The teacher cut herself off abruptly as a crowd of people who weren’t her students, (but whom had invaded the classroom anyway), all started clapping. Anzu stood up and walked up to the front of the classroom, holding her report entitled “How I Spent Summer Break.” She cleared her throat and began:
“On Summer Break I-”
“I have a question!” Bakura called abruptly. Ryou, sitting beside him, bopped him on the head wearily.
“You’re supposed to wait till she’s done with her report before you ask questions.”
“I want to ask it now,” Bakura grumbled, rubbing his head.
“I know you’re a guest but if you want to ask questions you should raise your hand,” the teacher admonished. Bakura looked sulky, but fell silent. “Alright Anzu, continue.”
“Right. On Summer Break-”
“Question!” Bakura said again, thrusting his arm in the air and pointing at the appendage with his other hand for good measure. “I raised my hand this time.”
“Bakura…” Ryou muttered.
“It’s all right, let him ask,” Anzu said, familiar with Bakura’s personality. “I’ll never get finished if we don’t.”
“I want to know why the hell I’m here when I’m not even in this class, nor do I go to this school.”
“Because you were on the road trip with us,” Anzu replied sensibly. Bakura blinked.
“Oh. Okay. That makes sense.”
“Is that your only question?” the teacher asked warily. Bakura shrugged.
“If I think of any more, I’ll ask them.”
Anzu - and the rest of her friends, even Ryou, who was desperately trying to teach Bakura to behave like a civilized human - all had to hide laughter.
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid Scapegoat Jounouchi put in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
“Right, so, on summer vacation all my friends and I went on a road trip,” Anzu began finally. “It started off fun. We read horror stories by Christopher Pike aloud and we all really liked Chain Letter II-”
“My hand is stuck to my face!” Otogi suddenly called. “’Cause all the guys were so handsome!”
The teacher and other students all raised eyebrows at the last sentence and a single thought crossed each of their minds: We knew it.
“Wait, wait, let me guess,” Jounouchi called back, getting into the spirit. “And you just got a purple envelope-”
“He’s going to die a painful death!” Bakura interrupted gleefully.
“You forgot the part where he wears a towel,” Yugi added.
Anzu, not to be outdone - especially considering it was her report they were interrupting - joined in with: “And you wore a black towel to the funeral!”
By now the eyebrows of the other students and the teacher were hovering near the ceiling. “I wonder what they were smoking on that road trip,” one of the other students whispered to his friend.
I guessed, "Is it Yami or Yugi?"
"Is it Jounouchi or Honda or Otogi?"
"Could it be Bakura or Ryou or Mokuba or Seto or Marik?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck…
“Anyway,” Anzu continued, “we were driving down the road, and I was driving, and I think it was Marik’s turn to read aloud, and that was when Honda decided to sing The Song That Never Ends.”
“Oh, now that was priceless,” Jounouchi assured the people sitting nearby him. Honda made a face.
“You can’t talk, you were singing too.”
“This is the song that never ends~ It goes on and on my friends~ Some people started singing it not knowing what it was and then they kept on singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on-” Mokuba recited from the back of the room, and probably would have kept on reciting forever just because, if his brother hadn’t interrupted right then:
“Mokuba! Stop singing that dumb song, you’re going to get it stuck in my head - dammit, there it goes, it’s stuck.”
“Ah, you can’t talk Seto,” Anzu said, shrugging. “It was right after that that you realized your destiny with the Great Green Jell-o God.”
“Only because Jounouchi hit me with a 2x4,” he muttered, “and I was dazed.”
“You wouldn’t shut up about how much better you could be driving than Anzu!” Mai said in Jounouchi’s defense.
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my enemy, the Penguin-obsessed Big Five member
Who takes off his fake bird beak and screams facts and figures at me
Mai continued to taunt Kaiba: “I remember the Great Green Jell-o God. He lives in the land of polka-dotted bunnies and the sea of chocolate pudding, remember Seto? You have to go there and drown yourself in that sea to fulfill your destiny.”
Seto scowled. "Okay, we all know it was weird, YOU CAN STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT NOW. I'd just been hit by a 2x4! I had an excuse!"
“And it was right after that, that Mike and Shizuka decided to have hot cocoa,” Yami, who had been rather quiet so far, reminded them. “And Mike was actually her invisible friend-”
“Who I told her she couldn’t bring on the trip but she didn’t listen…” Jounouchi added, with a glance toward his sister.
“-and Mike used the Uzi-”
“Which was mine!” Bakura interjected.
“-to blast Kaiba into oblivion after he drove us all crazy with that bit about the snails coming from outer space to take over nuclear plants after he got finished talking about his destiny with the Green Jell-o God.”
“Hey, now wait. That’s actually true,” Otogi countered, frowning. “Those snails are on their way right now, you just wait.”
“I foresee a great war between the snails and the worms!” Marik said matter-of-factly, as he had been the leading authority on the said war during the trip. Isis, who was sitting beside him, muttered under her breath:
“I’m the only Ishtar around here that could ever foresee anything. You can’t even foresee your own breakfast.”
“Er…if Kaiba got blasted into oblivion then how come he’s still here and he’s alive and sane and looks totally uninjured?” Yugi wondered aloud.
The classroom fell silent. Even Kaiba looked curious about that one.
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Anzu broke the silence to continue her report. By now, the teacher had given up trying to settle the chaos in the room and the other students were slowly moving their desks away from the rowdy gang of their classmates and newcomers, who had succeeded in causing total anarchy in a period of less than ten minutes, and whom the sanity of was now in definite question.
“So then we stopped to get gas,” Anzu said. “And we all got out to get sodas and stuff, but then the gas pump wouldn’t work so we went inside but the main computer was down, and of course by now we’re all annoyed cause our road trip just started and we can’t get gas, so Mokuba borrowed Mike’s Uzi-”
“MY Uzi,” Bakura argued. “I’m telling you, it was my Uzi.”
“How can some guy that doesn’t exist borrow something?” Ryou asked of him. Bakura shrugged.
“I dunno. But it’s still mine, dammit.”
“And he proceeded to shoot the computer,” Anzu continued, ignoring them.
“You used an Uzi?” Seto asked, looking over at Mokuba in surprise. “Where was I for all this?”
“You were wandering around the store lecturing people about your date with the Green Jell-o God.”
“…Oh.”
Once again it fell to Anzu to pull them all back on topic as she spoke over them. “So, as it happened, the computer suddenly spit out our receipt and we were able to get our gas after all, and we all got back in the car to continue the trip. And we’d gone about ten miles when we all realized we didn’t know where we were going or where we were, and we also didn’t have a map.”
I was walkin' to the Game Store for some cards,
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some guys from a Virtual Reality world,
Who kinda looked like Mai’s old boyfriend, Jean-Claude
“So we had a choice. We could either turn around and go home, or we could just keep on going to some random place. And since we’d already gone a long way and gotten gas, we decided to just keep on going and to make it an adventure of sort. So we kept on driving for a long time and it got late and we all wanted something to eat so we stopped for pizza.”
“But that was a bad idea,” Mai finished for her. “Because Bakura decided to get creative with the tomato sauce.”
“Okay, I thought it was funny.” Bakura defended, blinking. “Didn’t the rest of you think it was funny?”
“No.”
“Good humor is so underrated these days,” he mumbled.
“Well, Bakura brought this huge dagger with him and thought it would be funny to cover it in tomato sauce and pretend it was blood,” Anzu explained. “But the owner of the restaurant saw him and ended up calling the police. So by the time we’d convinced the police that Bakura was only playing-”
“Playing my ass, they tried to confiscate my dagger!” Bakura banged his fist on the desk, causing it to wobble dangerously. “It wasn’t even that big, see?” He produced said dagger from his pocket and waved it in the air. “See, see?”
Everyone stared and some of the students jumped up and made a run for the door. Bakura tilted his head, looking almost upset about their reaction.
“Was it something I said?”
They wanted to test a virtual organ-extractor
And they took some videos to save on back-up disk,
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
Their leader Noa offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go
“Bakura, could you put that away?” Ryou hissed, eyeing the teacher who was inching toward the phone. Bakura sighed and slipped it back inside its case.
“Fine. Keep talking, Anzu.”
“By this time it was late and so we checked into a nearby trailer park for the night. But it ended up raining so all of us had to squeeze into the van and sleep in there for the night.”
“My back still hurts from that,” Seto complained.
“Yeah, because you were laying on the armrest, I’m really not sure how you slept at all.” Mokuba replied, still looking curious as to how Seto had gone about it.
“He was too busy thinking about the Jell-o,” Yami said offhandedly. “Jell-o can be quite distracting. Especially if it’s green.”
“No I wasn’t!” Seto retorted coldly. “I’ll have you know that by that time I’d gotten my sanity back, thank you.”
“Then why were you talking about it in your sleep?” Jounouchi wanted to know. Seto glared at Yami, whom had started the whole thing, and fired back: “Well, you were talking about Yugi in your sleep. Don't think we didn't see you holding hands and snuggling every chance you got.”
Yami slid down in his seat, blushing. Yugi blushed as well, causing Honda to say, (in the tone of voice that suggested he’d actually thought he was helping), “Don’t worry Yugi. You were talking about him in your sleep, too. Talking pretty loudly too, you guys kept us all up for awhile with your juicy dialogue.”
“And I got it on tape!” Marik said, quite proudly. “Who wants to listen?”
Yugi and Yami (whom had, in fact, been holding hands under the desk as well) both hid their faces and pretended they weren’t there.
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay off Jounouchi’s tab to Yugi’s Grandpa at the Game Shop,
Just then the floating disembodied head of
My old boss at Burger World started yelling at me
“But the point is that we all did eventually get to sleep,” Anzu said over the voices of the others, making a valiant attempt to take their attention off Yami and Yugi and the tape that Marik was now charging people money to listen to. “And the next morning we all started driving again, hoping to find something to do. But as it happened, Jounouchi had brought the Complete List of Fun Things to Do, and instead of doing any sightseeing for the next few days, we went around tried to do as many of things as we could on the list!”
“That was priceless!” Otogi said. “You ought to have seen Mai, she wrecked complete havoc in this restaurant…she even sang the “worms crawl in” song.”
“T’was veeeery fun. And we had a great time at the mall with that list too,” Mai said wickedly.
“Yeah, Mike and I actually did every single thing in the elevator section,” Shizuka spoke up. “From the sock-puppet to the motion sickness to the bomb…and then Bakura scared them all off with the Uzi, so we had to stop.”
“You should have seen them run. You’d think they never saw a sub-machine gun before,” Bakura put in, looking mildly amused. “Such sheltered lives you people lead, in a world with all these fantastic weapons and you completely under-utilize them. Back in Egypt we only had knives and arrows-”
“Oh yes, that list of Fun Things to Do is hilarious!” Mike assured everyone, interrupting Bakura’s recital.
All the other students in the class stared at the empty spot of air that had just spoken.
“Shizuka! You brought Mike to class too?” Jounouchi demanded, aghast.
“I’m starting to think no one likes me,” Mike said.
All the other students screamed because some guy named Mike was actually there and was actually invisible and was actually talking. Of the kids that hadn’t taken off when Bakura was waving his knife around, half of them ran now, so only a few of the other students remained in the classroom. And they just looked too terrified to stand up.
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
“I’m sorry Jounouchi, he wanted to come,” Serenity said plaintively. “And he was on the trip with us, it was only fair.”
“Maybe we could return to Anzu’s report-” The teacher, (whose expression showed that she had given up hope that any semblance of sanity would join them), was saying when the door to the classroom opened and Miho and Hanasaki appeared in it.
“Miho! Hanasaki! What are you doing here?” Honda asked.
Miho produced a large machine gun out of thin air. “Why weren’t we invited on the road trip?” she demanded.
Bakura looked impressed. Hanasaki looked as though he wished he hadn’t let Miho talk him into coming.
“Because you two are only in the manga,” Anzu replied. Miho put the gun down.
“Oh, okay.” She and Hanasaki left. Everyone else stared in confusion.
Anzu opened her mouth to continue her report for the fiftieth time, when the door opened again and Haga stomped in.
“Why wasn’t I invited on this vacation?” he sneered.
“Because you’re an idiot who gives true villains like me a bad name, and that’s putting it very politely,” Bakura said, hefting the machine gun Miho had left behind and blasting Haga back through the door.
Almost as soon as that was done, the door opened again and Shyogo stood, framed in it.
“Um…yeah, why wasn’t I on the trip again?” he asked.
“Because you’re only in the Japanese movie!” Everyone answered in chorus.
“Ah. Right!” He turned and shut the door.
Not five seconds later, Haru, Elie, and Musica all walked in, looking a bit lost. “Uh…about this vacation…we don’t remember it.”
“Geez, what is this, are these people lined up outside the room or something?” Mai demanded.
“That’s because you’re not even in the Yugioh series! You guys are in the completely wrong dimension!” Anzu informed them.
“We’re not?” Haru blinked. “Well, that explains an awful lot.”
“I told you we got off at the wrong dimension. Next time, listen to me!” They could hear Elie saying as the threesome left. Everyone stared at the door now as if daring someone else to walk through it. When nobody did, Anzu was about to continue and the door opened once more.
“You weren’t on the trip just because!” She shouted in annoyance and Jounouchi chucked a textbook at the entering person.
“I’m sorry I’m late! Traffic was awful,” Rishid defended and ducked as the textbook went flying out into the hall.
“Oh, it’s just you, okay. We were afraid it was yet another person-”
“What about us?” Espa Roba and his brothers all peered in. “Why weren’t we-”
“GET OUT! I’M TRYING TO GIVE A REPORT!”
The Roba family left quickly, and Bakura and Marik welded the door shut with some welding tools that just happened to be sitting in the corner of the room.
I was just about to mail a letter to Shyogo to remind him that even though he was only in the Japanese movie, we’re all still his friends-
When I got a nasty cut from a spike on the Millennium Ring as punishment from Bakura who had to work late because I took so long to mail the letter.
And, well, to make a long story short
I blamed him when it got infected and he was so annoyed he condemned me to the Shadow Realm
“So we’re doing all the stuff from the list.” Anzu began once again with a last glance at the now-welded door. “When the police from the pizza place come and find us and kidnap us all!”
“I forgot this part,” Honda said, looking puzzled.
“That’s because Jounouchi tried to fight them off with the 2x4 and you got hit,” Anzu replied apologetically.
“Oh. Well that explains the headache I had…”
“Wait wait wait.” The teacher held up her hands. “What do you mean, the police tried to kidnap you?”
“I’m getting to that!” Anzu grumbled, irritated at the teacher’s interruption. “They weren’t police. They were hired killers pretending to be police.”
“Who hired them?” One of the few students left asked.
Bakura brandished his dagger. “Let Anzu finish and maybe she’ll tell you!” The student made a sort of meeping noise and sunk down in her seat, out of sight.
“They were hired by the pizza place because Bakura didn’t pay for the sauce he’d dumped all over his knife. So although we all fought valiantly, they overpowered all of us and stuck us in the back of this big truck and they decided our van might be handy too so that ended up towing it along. So then-”
“They hired hit men because Bakura didn’t pay for some pizza sauce?” A different student asked in disbelief.
“They really needed to get their priorities in order,” Bakura agreed absentmindedly, admiring how shiny his knife was.
“Was I still unconscious?” Honda asked, raising his hand.
“Yeah.”
“Alright, keep going.”
“So we and our van were taken to an abandoned warehouse where we were all locked inside a large cage where they told us were going to be left in there till we starved to death.”
The few students left were starting to actually look interested now.
“So we tried to convince them to let us go, obviously since none of us wanted to starve to death,” Anzu said. “But-”
At that moment, the door to the room burst open with a huge bang despite it having been welded shut, and two men in dark suits with extremely large guns and black sunglasses stepped into the room, guns drawn.
The other students no longer looked interested, instead they all screamed and made a run for the window, trying to force it open.
So now I'm in the Shadow Realm with Ushio and Yami no Marik and Grandpa Mutou and Kosaku and the Player Killer and everyone else in here
Surrounded by all the Shadow Fog
And it's obvious none of them like
The yellow jacket that I'm wearing
So they tell me that they've got a dress code and I can only wear dark colors
“Are we late?” The men asked, shoving their guns back into their holsters and looking around.
“The hit men!” Yugi - who had finally looked up from where he’d been hiding his face - exclaimed. “We just got finished with the scene when you showed up.”
“Fuck, we are late,” one of them said to his partner, disappointed. “I told you we should have taken the turnpike.” They went and took two of the now-empty seats.
“Well, let’s hear the end anyway,” the other one said.
“Right, but then, just as we all figured we were doomed, we came up with an idea!” Anzu said dramatically.
“Oooooooooohhhhh…” Everyone in their gang said in unison, looking interested.
“Since the men left us in the cage and the van was sitting right there in the parking lot very close by, Marik used the little wing parts on the Rod to get the ring of keys that they hung close by because the bad guys always hang the rings of keys close by. And Bakura got out and got in the van and drove away, and we all just hoped he’d get back with reinforcements before we starved…”
“Wait a second, if Bakura could leave, how come the rest of you didn’t leave too?” One of the hit men asked suddenly.
“RAISE YOUR HAND!” Everyone in the Yugioh group shouted. The man timidly raised his hand and asked again.
The room went silent as they all pondered that one.
“Uh, I don’t know. Why didn’t we do that?” Anzu asked the group, bewildered. They all shrugged and looked baffled.
“Because the rest of us were too weak from hunger?” Yami (who had also resurfaced) finally offered as a possible answer. There was some general murmuring of agreement for that one.
“Okay, that’s why,” Anzu answered the man.
“Thanks, I was just wondering.” He put his hand down.
“So a half-hour later we were starting to worry that Bakura was caught in traffic or something awful like that, when the van pulls up and Bakura gets out and goes up to the kidnappers and…”
There was a suspenseful pause.
“…and presents them with a jar of pizza sauce to make up for the sauce he used on his knife,” she finished.
The room went silent again.
“These people are crazy!” One of the three students still in the room cried, and abandoned the window to dart for the hole in the wall that used to be the door, followed by all the other two.
Well, eventually Bakura lets us all out anyway
But I was there so long I lost my apartment and had to get a new one and I got the room next to the noisy ice machine-in the same apartment complex as all the other guys from the Shadow Realm that lost their places too,
So until we can find enough money to get a decent place,
Every day we go to an anger management course taught by the yamis and we sit around and scream
Anzu looked around the room, which was now empty of all souls except her friends, the hit men, and the teacher, who looked like she really wanted to bolt for an exit too, but as a teacher her duty was to see the report to the end.
“Er, do I have to finish the report since there’s no one else except my friends to hear it?” Anzu asked.
“You just do…whatever you want to do with the report.” The teacher replied, dazed.
“Well, since my friends all know how it ended-”
“Wait, I forgot the end,” Rishid said.
“Me too,” Jounouchi said.
“I forgot also!” Mai called from the back.
“Tell us the end! Tell us the end!” the hit men chanted.
“Well, after that, we all got back in the van and drove home.” Anzu said, reading the last lines of the report. “The end.”
There was silence.
“…That was anti-climactic,” Bakura said dryly.
“So did she pass?” Yami asked.
“Yeah, did Anzu get a good grade on her paper?” Yugi wanted to know, and soon the whole group set off a clamor and refused to stop till the teacher answered:
“Yes, Anzu…you passed. Very…good report. Very…detailed.” The teacher said in relief that it was all over. “You get a perfect score.”
There was pandemonium in the classroom as all her road-trip-mates cheered for her.
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Everything you know is wrong.
The End.
X - X - X
Notes: Original lyrics to “Everything You Know is Wrong” are by Weird Al. The lyrics of “Everything You Know Is Wrong-the Yugioh Parody Version” are by me. I hope you enjoyed it.
Haru Glory, Elie, and Musica are three characters from the manga and anime series Rave Master, originally written by Hiro Mashima. The other various characters that busted in on them are from their respective corners of the Yugioh world, whether it be the movie, Series 0, or otherwise.
Mike is a personal OC of mine, he is Serenity’s invisible friend and appears in every humor fic.
Chain Letter II is a real book, written by Christopher Pike. The various jokes they were making about the book were actually made up on a road trip that me and my mom took with some friends a few years ago, and when we were reading the book out loud in the car. The main character often talked about how she was so shocked she had her hand “stuck to her face”, and every guy she met she described as “handsome”, hence Duke’s lines. In the book, receiving a Purple Envelope was a pretty sure sign you would die in some terrible way, hence Bakura’s outburst. In one scene, the main character got out of the shower and was wearing a towel. There was never any reference to her actually getting dressed after that, so we joked that she must have worn the towel for the rest of the book. She had to attend a funeral shortly after, so we said she must have worn a black towel, hence the comments about the towel issue. Yeah…read the book sometime, you’ll see.
The original version of this fic was written for the Anzu-fic (Humor/songfic genre choice) contest hosted by Hallie of Anzu’s Angels.
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack/humor
Pairings: YamixYugi mentioned in passing, vague Bakura/Ryou
Archive: Here
Warnings: Randomness, insanity, no logic, nonsense, Sennen-item-spirits-with-bodies, and crack.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: What happens when Anzu gives her report on what happened over her summer break? A lot of things.
Disclaimer: Yugioh, its variations, the song Everything You Know is Wrong, Rave Master, and the Uzi trademark do not belong to me.
Notes: This fic does not make any sense. You should not expect it to make any sense. Attempting to interject logic into this will only result in your brain cells imploding. This was originally written several years ago, and my mom liked it so much that I said I would fix it up and re-post it for her birthday this year. Despite the dorkiness of some of them I kept most of the original jokes intact for old times sake, (though I added more Puzzleshipping 8D), and the only big changes are to grammar and names (from dubbed to original). Therefore, the writing will probably seem sort of 'off.' That said, please enjoy this foray into my deep dark fic-writing past. xD And Happy Birthday Mom!
---
“Anzu, why don’t you give your report next-” The teacher cut herself off abruptly as a crowd of people who weren’t her students, (but whom had invaded the classroom anyway), all started clapping. Anzu stood up and walked up to the front of the classroom, holding her report entitled “How I Spent Summer Break.” She cleared her throat and began:
“On Summer Break I-”
“I have a question!” Bakura called abruptly. Ryou, sitting beside him, bopped him on the head wearily.
“You’re supposed to wait till she’s done with her report before you ask questions.”
“I want to ask it now,” Bakura grumbled, rubbing his head.
“I know you’re a guest but if you want to ask questions you should raise your hand,” the teacher admonished. Bakura looked sulky, but fell silent. “Alright Anzu, continue.”
“Right. On Summer Break-”
“Question!” Bakura said again, thrusting his arm in the air and pointing at the appendage with his other hand for good measure. “I raised my hand this time.”
“Bakura…” Ryou muttered.
“It’s all right, let him ask,” Anzu said, familiar with Bakura’s personality. “I’ll never get finished if we don’t.”
“I want to know why the hell I’m here when I’m not even in this class, nor do I go to this school.”
“Because you were on the road trip with us,” Anzu replied sensibly. Bakura blinked.
“Oh. Okay. That makes sense.”
“Is that your only question?” the teacher asked warily. Bakura shrugged.
“If I think of any more, I’ll ask them.”
Anzu - and the rest of her friends, even Ryou, who was desperately trying to teach Bakura to behave like a civilized human - all had to hide laughter.
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid Scapegoat Jounouchi put in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
“Right, so, on summer vacation all my friends and I went on a road trip,” Anzu began finally. “It started off fun. We read horror stories by Christopher Pike aloud and we all really liked Chain Letter II-”
“My hand is stuck to my face!” Otogi suddenly called. “’Cause all the guys were so handsome!”
The teacher and other students all raised eyebrows at the last sentence and a single thought crossed each of their minds: We knew it.
“Wait, wait, let me guess,” Jounouchi called back, getting into the spirit. “And you just got a purple envelope-”
“He’s going to die a painful death!” Bakura interrupted gleefully.
“You forgot the part where he wears a towel,” Yugi added.
Anzu, not to be outdone - especially considering it was her report they were interrupting - joined in with: “And you wore a black towel to the funeral!”
By now the eyebrows of the other students and the teacher were hovering near the ceiling. “I wonder what they were smoking on that road trip,” one of the other students whispered to his friend.
I guessed, "Is it Yami or Yugi?"
"Is it Jounouchi or Honda or Otogi?"
"Could it be Bakura or Ryou or Mokuba or Seto or Marik?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck…
“Anyway,” Anzu continued, “we were driving down the road, and I was driving, and I think it was Marik’s turn to read aloud, and that was when Honda decided to sing The Song That Never Ends.”
“Oh, now that was priceless,” Jounouchi assured the people sitting nearby him. Honda made a face.
“You can’t talk, you were singing too.”
“This is the song that never ends~ It goes on and on my friends~ Some people started singing it not knowing what it was and then they kept on singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it goes on and on-” Mokuba recited from the back of the room, and probably would have kept on reciting forever just because, if his brother hadn’t interrupted right then:
“Mokuba! Stop singing that dumb song, you’re going to get it stuck in my head - dammit, there it goes, it’s stuck.”
“Ah, you can’t talk Seto,” Anzu said, shrugging. “It was right after that that you realized your destiny with the Great Green Jell-o God.”
“Only because Jounouchi hit me with a 2x4,” he muttered, “and I was dazed.”
“You wouldn’t shut up about how much better you could be driving than Anzu!” Mai said in Jounouchi’s defense.
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my enemy, the Penguin-obsessed Big Five member
Who takes off his fake bird beak and screams facts and figures at me
Mai continued to taunt Kaiba: “I remember the Great Green Jell-o God. He lives in the land of polka-dotted bunnies and the sea of chocolate pudding, remember Seto? You have to go there and drown yourself in that sea to fulfill your destiny.”
Seto scowled. "Okay, we all know it was weird, YOU CAN STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT NOW. I'd just been hit by a 2x4! I had an excuse!"
“And it was right after that, that Mike and Shizuka decided to have hot cocoa,” Yami, who had been rather quiet so far, reminded them. “And Mike was actually her invisible friend-”
“Who I told her she couldn’t bring on the trip but she didn’t listen…” Jounouchi added, with a glance toward his sister.
“-and Mike used the Uzi-”
“Which was mine!” Bakura interjected.
“-to blast Kaiba into oblivion after he drove us all crazy with that bit about the snails coming from outer space to take over nuclear plants after he got finished talking about his destiny with the Green Jell-o God.”
“Hey, now wait. That’s actually true,” Otogi countered, frowning. “Those snails are on their way right now, you just wait.”
“I foresee a great war between the snails and the worms!” Marik said matter-of-factly, as he had been the leading authority on the said war during the trip. Isis, who was sitting beside him, muttered under her breath:
“I’m the only Ishtar around here that could ever foresee anything. You can’t even foresee your own breakfast.”
“Er…if Kaiba got blasted into oblivion then how come he’s still here and he’s alive and sane and looks totally uninjured?” Yugi wondered aloud.
The classroom fell silent. Even Kaiba looked curious about that one.
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Anzu broke the silence to continue her report. By now, the teacher had given up trying to settle the chaos in the room and the other students were slowly moving their desks away from the rowdy gang of their classmates and newcomers, who had succeeded in causing total anarchy in a period of less than ten minutes, and whom the sanity of was now in definite question.
“So then we stopped to get gas,” Anzu said. “And we all got out to get sodas and stuff, but then the gas pump wouldn’t work so we went inside but the main computer was down, and of course by now we’re all annoyed cause our road trip just started and we can’t get gas, so Mokuba borrowed Mike’s Uzi-”
“MY Uzi,” Bakura argued. “I’m telling you, it was my Uzi.”
“How can some guy that doesn’t exist borrow something?” Ryou asked of him. Bakura shrugged.
“I dunno. But it’s still mine, dammit.”
“And he proceeded to shoot the computer,” Anzu continued, ignoring them.
“You used an Uzi?” Seto asked, looking over at Mokuba in surprise. “Where was I for all this?”
“You were wandering around the store lecturing people about your date with the Green Jell-o God.”
“…Oh.”
Once again it fell to Anzu to pull them all back on topic as she spoke over them. “So, as it happened, the computer suddenly spit out our receipt and we were able to get our gas after all, and we all got back in the car to continue the trip. And we’d gone about ten miles when we all realized we didn’t know where we were going or where we were, and we also didn’t have a map.”
I was walkin' to the Game Store for some cards,
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some guys from a Virtual Reality world,
Who kinda looked like Mai’s old boyfriend, Jean-Claude
“So we had a choice. We could either turn around and go home, or we could just keep on going to some random place. And since we’d already gone a long way and gotten gas, we decided to just keep on going and to make it an adventure of sort. So we kept on driving for a long time and it got late and we all wanted something to eat so we stopped for pizza.”
“But that was a bad idea,” Mai finished for her. “Because Bakura decided to get creative with the tomato sauce.”
“Okay, I thought it was funny.” Bakura defended, blinking. “Didn’t the rest of you think it was funny?”
“No.”
“Good humor is so underrated these days,” he mumbled.
“Well, Bakura brought this huge dagger with him and thought it would be funny to cover it in tomato sauce and pretend it was blood,” Anzu explained. “But the owner of the restaurant saw him and ended up calling the police. So by the time we’d convinced the police that Bakura was only playing-”
“Playing my ass, they tried to confiscate my dagger!” Bakura banged his fist on the desk, causing it to wobble dangerously. “It wasn’t even that big, see?” He produced said dagger from his pocket and waved it in the air. “See, see?”
Everyone stared and some of the students jumped up and made a run for the door. Bakura tilted his head, looking almost upset about their reaction.
“Was it something I said?”
They wanted to test a virtual organ-extractor
And they took some videos to save on back-up disk,
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
Their leader Noa offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go
“Bakura, could you put that away?” Ryou hissed, eyeing the teacher who was inching toward the phone. Bakura sighed and slipped it back inside its case.
“Fine. Keep talking, Anzu.”
“By this time it was late and so we checked into a nearby trailer park for the night. But it ended up raining so all of us had to squeeze into the van and sleep in there for the night.”
“My back still hurts from that,” Seto complained.
“Yeah, because you were laying on the armrest, I’m really not sure how you slept at all.” Mokuba replied, still looking curious as to how Seto had gone about it.
“He was too busy thinking about the Jell-o,” Yami said offhandedly. “Jell-o can be quite distracting. Especially if it’s green.”
“No I wasn’t!” Seto retorted coldly. “I’ll have you know that by that time I’d gotten my sanity back, thank you.”
“Then why were you talking about it in your sleep?” Jounouchi wanted to know. Seto glared at Yami, whom had started the whole thing, and fired back: “Well, you were talking about Yugi in your sleep. Don't think we didn't see you holding hands and snuggling every chance you got.”
Yami slid down in his seat, blushing. Yugi blushed as well, causing Honda to say, (in the tone of voice that suggested he’d actually thought he was helping), “Don’t worry Yugi. You were talking about him in your sleep, too. Talking pretty loudly too, you guys kept us all up for awhile with your juicy dialogue.”
“And I got it on tape!” Marik said, quite proudly. “Who wants to listen?”
Yugi and Yami (whom had, in fact, been holding hands under the desk as well) both hid their faces and pretended they weren’t there.
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay off Jounouchi’s tab to Yugi’s Grandpa at the Game Shop,
Just then the floating disembodied head of
My old boss at Burger World started yelling at me
“But the point is that we all did eventually get to sleep,” Anzu said over the voices of the others, making a valiant attempt to take their attention off Yami and Yugi and the tape that Marik was now charging people money to listen to. “And the next morning we all started driving again, hoping to find something to do. But as it happened, Jounouchi had brought the Complete List of Fun Things to Do, and instead of doing any sightseeing for the next few days, we went around tried to do as many of things as we could on the list!”
“That was priceless!” Otogi said. “You ought to have seen Mai, she wrecked complete havoc in this restaurant…she even sang the “worms crawl in” song.”
“T’was veeeery fun. And we had a great time at the mall with that list too,” Mai said wickedly.
“Yeah, Mike and I actually did every single thing in the elevator section,” Shizuka spoke up. “From the sock-puppet to the motion sickness to the bomb…and then Bakura scared them all off with the Uzi, so we had to stop.”
“You should have seen them run. You’d think they never saw a sub-machine gun before,” Bakura put in, looking mildly amused. “Such sheltered lives you people lead, in a world with all these fantastic weapons and you completely under-utilize them. Back in Egypt we only had knives and arrows-”
“Oh yes, that list of Fun Things to Do is hilarious!” Mike assured everyone, interrupting Bakura’s recital.
All the other students in the class stared at the empty spot of air that had just spoken.
“Shizuka! You brought Mike to class too?” Jounouchi demanded, aghast.
“I’m starting to think no one likes me,” Mike said.
All the other students screamed because some guy named Mike was actually there and was actually invisible and was actually talking. Of the kids that hadn’t taken off when Bakura was waving his knife around, half of them ran now, so only a few of the other students remained in the classroom. And they just looked too terrified to stand up.
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
“I’m sorry Jounouchi, he wanted to come,” Serenity said plaintively. “And he was on the trip with us, it was only fair.”
“Maybe we could return to Anzu’s report-” The teacher, (whose expression showed that she had given up hope that any semblance of sanity would join them), was saying when the door to the classroom opened and Miho and Hanasaki appeared in it.
“Miho! Hanasaki! What are you doing here?” Honda asked.
Miho produced a large machine gun out of thin air. “Why weren’t we invited on the road trip?” she demanded.
Bakura looked impressed. Hanasaki looked as though he wished he hadn’t let Miho talk him into coming.
“Because you two are only in the manga,” Anzu replied. Miho put the gun down.
“Oh, okay.” She and Hanasaki left. Everyone else stared in confusion.
Anzu opened her mouth to continue her report for the fiftieth time, when the door opened again and Haga stomped in.
“Why wasn’t I invited on this vacation?” he sneered.
“Because you’re an idiot who gives true villains like me a bad name, and that’s putting it very politely,” Bakura said, hefting the machine gun Miho had left behind and blasting Haga back through the door.
Almost as soon as that was done, the door opened again and Shyogo stood, framed in it.
“Um…yeah, why wasn’t I on the trip again?” he asked.
“Because you’re only in the Japanese movie!” Everyone answered in chorus.
“Ah. Right!” He turned and shut the door.
Not five seconds later, Haru, Elie, and Musica all walked in, looking a bit lost. “Uh…about this vacation…we don’t remember it.”
“Geez, what is this, are these people lined up outside the room or something?” Mai demanded.
“That’s because you’re not even in the Yugioh series! You guys are in the completely wrong dimension!” Anzu informed them.
“We’re not?” Haru blinked. “Well, that explains an awful lot.”
“I told you we got off at the wrong dimension. Next time, listen to me!” They could hear Elie saying as the threesome left. Everyone stared at the door now as if daring someone else to walk through it. When nobody did, Anzu was about to continue and the door opened once more.
“You weren’t on the trip just because!” She shouted in annoyance and Jounouchi chucked a textbook at the entering person.
“I’m sorry I’m late! Traffic was awful,” Rishid defended and ducked as the textbook went flying out into the hall.
“Oh, it’s just you, okay. We were afraid it was yet another person-”
“What about us?” Espa Roba and his brothers all peered in. “Why weren’t we-”
“GET OUT! I’M TRYING TO GIVE A REPORT!”
The Roba family left quickly, and Bakura and Marik welded the door shut with some welding tools that just happened to be sitting in the corner of the room.
I was just about to mail a letter to Shyogo to remind him that even though he was only in the Japanese movie, we’re all still his friends-
When I got a nasty cut from a spike on the Millennium Ring as punishment from Bakura who had to work late because I took so long to mail the letter.
And, well, to make a long story short
I blamed him when it got infected and he was so annoyed he condemned me to the Shadow Realm
“So we’re doing all the stuff from the list.” Anzu began once again with a last glance at the now-welded door. “When the police from the pizza place come and find us and kidnap us all!”
“I forgot this part,” Honda said, looking puzzled.
“That’s because Jounouchi tried to fight them off with the 2x4 and you got hit,” Anzu replied apologetically.
“Oh. Well that explains the headache I had…”
“Wait wait wait.” The teacher held up her hands. “What do you mean, the police tried to kidnap you?”
“I’m getting to that!” Anzu grumbled, irritated at the teacher’s interruption. “They weren’t police. They were hired killers pretending to be police.”
“Who hired them?” One of the few students left asked.
Bakura brandished his dagger. “Let Anzu finish and maybe she’ll tell you!” The student made a sort of meeping noise and sunk down in her seat, out of sight.
“They were hired by the pizza place because Bakura didn’t pay for the sauce he’d dumped all over his knife. So although we all fought valiantly, they overpowered all of us and stuck us in the back of this big truck and they decided our van might be handy too so that ended up towing it along. So then-”
“They hired hit men because Bakura didn’t pay for some pizza sauce?” A different student asked in disbelief.
“They really needed to get their priorities in order,” Bakura agreed absentmindedly, admiring how shiny his knife was.
“Was I still unconscious?” Honda asked, raising his hand.
“Yeah.”
“Alright, keep going.”
“So we and our van were taken to an abandoned warehouse where we were all locked inside a large cage where they told us were going to be left in there till we starved to death.”
The few students left were starting to actually look interested now.
“So we tried to convince them to let us go, obviously since none of us wanted to starve to death,” Anzu said. “But-”
At that moment, the door to the room burst open with a huge bang despite it having been welded shut, and two men in dark suits with extremely large guns and black sunglasses stepped into the room, guns drawn.
The other students no longer looked interested, instead they all screamed and made a run for the window, trying to force it open.
So now I'm in the Shadow Realm with Ushio and Yami no Marik and Grandpa Mutou and Kosaku and the Player Killer and everyone else in here
Surrounded by all the Shadow Fog
And it's obvious none of them like
The yellow jacket that I'm wearing
So they tell me that they've got a dress code and I can only wear dark colors
“Are we late?” The men asked, shoving their guns back into their holsters and looking around.
“The hit men!” Yugi - who had finally looked up from where he’d been hiding his face - exclaimed. “We just got finished with the scene when you showed up.”
“Fuck, we are late,” one of them said to his partner, disappointed. “I told you we should have taken the turnpike.” They went and took two of the now-empty seats.
“Well, let’s hear the end anyway,” the other one said.
“Right, but then, just as we all figured we were doomed, we came up with an idea!” Anzu said dramatically.
“Oooooooooohhhhh…” Everyone in their gang said in unison, looking interested.
“Since the men left us in the cage and the van was sitting right there in the parking lot very close by, Marik used the little wing parts on the Rod to get the ring of keys that they hung close by because the bad guys always hang the rings of keys close by. And Bakura got out and got in the van and drove away, and we all just hoped he’d get back with reinforcements before we starved…”
“Wait a second, if Bakura could leave, how come the rest of you didn’t leave too?” One of the hit men asked suddenly.
“RAISE YOUR HAND!” Everyone in the Yugioh group shouted. The man timidly raised his hand and asked again.
The room went silent as they all pondered that one.
“Uh, I don’t know. Why didn’t we do that?” Anzu asked the group, bewildered. They all shrugged and looked baffled.
“Because the rest of us were too weak from hunger?” Yami (who had also resurfaced) finally offered as a possible answer. There was some general murmuring of agreement for that one.
“Okay, that’s why,” Anzu answered the man.
“Thanks, I was just wondering.” He put his hand down.
“So a half-hour later we were starting to worry that Bakura was caught in traffic or something awful like that, when the van pulls up and Bakura gets out and goes up to the kidnappers and…”
There was a suspenseful pause.
“…and presents them with a jar of pizza sauce to make up for the sauce he used on his knife,” she finished.
The room went silent again.
“These people are crazy!” One of the three students still in the room cried, and abandoned the window to dart for the hole in the wall that used to be the door, followed by all the other two.
Well, eventually Bakura lets us all out anyway
But I was there so long I lost my apartment and had to get a new one and I got the room next to the noisy ice machine-in the same apartment complex as all the other guys from the Shadow Realm that lost their places too,
So until we can find enough money to get a decent place,
Every day we go to an anger management course taught by the yamis and we sit around and scream
Anzu looked around the room, which was now empty of all souls except her friends, the hit men, and the teacher, who looked like she really wanted to bolt for an exit too, but as a teacher her duty was to see the report to the end.
“Er, do I have to finish the report since there’s no one else except my friends to hear it?” Anzu asked.
“You just do…whatever you want to do with the report.” The teacher replied, dazed.
“Well, since my friends all know how it ended-”
“Wait, I forgot the end,” Rishid said.
“Me too,” Jounouchi said.
“I forgot also!” Mai called from the back.
“Tell us the end! Tell us the end!” the hit men chanted.
“Well, after that, we all got back in the van and drove home.” Anzu said, reading the last lines of the report. “The end.”
There was silence.
“…That was anti-climactic,” Bakura said dryly.
“So did she pass?” Yami asked.
“Yeah, did Anzu get a good grade on her paper?” Yugi wanted to know, and soon the whole group set off a clamor and refused to stop till the teacher answered:
“Yes, Anzu…you passed. Very…good report. Very…detailed.” The teacher said in relief that it was all over. “You get a perfect score.”
There was pandemonium in the classroom as all her road-trip-mates cheered for her.
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Everything you know is wrong.
The End.
X - X - X
Notes: Original lyrics to “Everything You Know is Wrong” are by Weird Al. The lyrics of “Everything You Know Is Wrong-the Yugioh Parody Version” are by me. I hope you enjoyed it.
Haru Glory, Elie, and Musica are three characters from the manga and anime series Rave Master, originally written by Hiro Mashima. The other various characters that busted in on them are from their respective corners of the Yugioh world, whether it be the movie, Series 0, or otherwise.
Mike is a personal OC of mine, he is Serenity’s invisible friend and appears in every humor fic.
Chain Letter II is a real book, written by Christopher Pike. The various jokes they were making about the book were actually made up on a road trip that me and my mom took with some friends a few years ago, and when we were reading the book out loud in the car. The main character often talked about how she was so shocked she had her hand “stuck to her face”, and every guy she met she described as “handsome”, hence Duke’s lines. In the book, receiving a Purple Envelope was a pretty sure sign you would die in some terrible way, hence Bakura’s outburst. In one scene, the main character got out of the shower and was wearing a towel. There was never any reference to her actually getting dressed after that, so we joked that she must have worn the towel for the rest of the book. She had to attend a funeral shortly after, so we said she must have worn a black towel, hence the comments about the towel issue. Yeah…read the book sometime, you’ll see.
The original version of this fic was written for the Anzu-fic (Humor/songfic genre choice) contest hosted by Hallie of Anzu’s Angels.