[fic] Fear of Scars - Yugioh, YYxY, angst, PG, theme 27
Title: Fear of Scars
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Theme: 27 - “It’s not that I want to have you. I want to deserve you.” for 50_lovequotes
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Parings: YamixYugi implied
Archive: You're lookin' at it
Warnings: Overabundance of Yami angst, whee~ 8D
Spoilers: None majour
Summary: Memories can be the greatest torture a person faces.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh...yes, I was surprised to find that out too.
---
The pain came out of nowhere, pulling Yugi from his dream.
Yami?
Yugi opened the door of his soul room and glanced across at Yami’s door. The pain had lessened, but still seemed to pulse slightly from his side of the hallway. He studied the closed door curiously. What could it have been? It was the middle of the night, and Yami had seemed fine when they said good night a few hours before. Yet, to cause an ache so heavy that it had even penetrated Yugi’s dreams, something must have happened to him.
“Hey, Yami? You here?” Yugi opened the door to Yami’s soul room and peered inside. He saw no signs of trouble, and stepped in further. “Hello? Are you okay?”
No response.
“Mou hitori no boku?” He tried the other name he had used before the spirit had offered up the idea of “Yami.” It almost guaranteed a reaction since he didn’t use it much anymore. But still nothing happened.
Yugi frowned, even more concerned. Normally Yami never ignored Yugi calling for him. In fact, usually Yami would sense Yugi was in his room and appear before Yugi could even think of calling. So where was Yami now?
He’s never ignored me before. And right after that weird feeling…what’s going on? Has something happened to him? But if that’s so…then why does his room look undisturbed?
Yugi considered just going back to his own soul room and returning to his normal sleep. If Yami wasn’t answering him it might be that the Pharaoh simply wasn’t in the mood to talk. It didn’t mean he was in any danger. And the feeling might not have been a sign of something bad. Yami had been a little stressed out lately with the prospect of finding his lost memories so close at hand. It might have simply been him dwelling on that for a moment…
Then he quickly changed his mind and started walking deeper into the maze. Those excuses…he didn’t honestly believe them. It wasn’t stress he’d felt, it was a serious sharp pain. He couldn’t just go back to sleep and ignore that, even if it had only been a quick flash. Maybe by wandering around he would find Yami, or find what was hurting him.
This plan quickly fell apart as Yugi only found himself lost in the maze.
Lost inside my own head, this is pathetic. Come on stupid maze, why won’t you open up for me like you usually do when I come in here…?
Huffing with frustration, Yugi yanked open another door and growled at the sight of another empty room. He tried again to concentrate on wanting to get out and back to the main room. When he’d been in Yami’s soul room before, Yami had always either shown him the way back or Yugi had manipulated the maze himself. When he wanted out, if he concentrated enough he’d sense which door to go through. So why couldn’t he now?
Is something going wrong with the Puzzle, does this have anything to do with that feeling I had? Or is Yami trying to make me lost in here on purpose?
Neither option was good, nor ones did he want to entertain. Battling nervousness, he walked across the room and reached for the next door, almost desperately, praying it was the way out, when suddenly a bolt of pain shot through him.
Grunting, he stumbled backwards. “What on Earth…?”
Reaching for the door again, the same pain hit him, only a little less hard because he was more prepared. Yugi frowned.
Why does my heart hurt when I come near this door?
I came in here because I felt a weird pain before, he rationalized. Could the reason I can’t find the way out be because my mind was more concerned about finding the source of that feeling? So is whatever’s behind here what caused it?
Yugi was aware that not all of the rooms in Yami’s mind were empty. Some held traps, others held memories he wasn’t aware of, and still more held new memories or emotions or thoughts that he’d gained while with Yugi. Something painful was behind this door, Yugi could sense it, and for a moment he hesitated. Did he really want to try opening it?
Maybe Yami wouldn’t want me in there…maybe it’s something private.
But I was led here, so maybe I’m supposed to open it. I do want to know what that feeling was about.
But it just…seems like invading his privacy…
Torn, Yugi finally took a breath, reached out, and yanked open the door.
To find himself staring back at him.
Except it wasn’t him. It was a younger-looking version of him. Confused beyond belief, Yugi stepped into the room, looking at his younger clone carefully.
“Um…hello?”
The other Yugi didn’t pay any attention.
“HELLO?”
Still nothing.
If this is just a memory then he probably can’t hear or see me, Yugi rationalized, and took a step closer to study himself in more detail.
The younger Yugi was just standing there, and slowly as Yugi lost interest and starting scanning the room, more things came into view. Yugi gasped involuntarily. There was the Millennium Puzzle, in pieces and still in its box, appearing unsolvable as it had for years. Standing around the edges of the room were bullies or people that had hurt him before in the past, some with shadowy faces obscuring their features. Jounouchi and Honda were there, also younger, back when they had picked on him, sneering at him. The Orichalcos seal glowed nearby, lighting up a square on the wall with Yugi’s likeness carved into it. Kaiba was there, drawing his hand across his throat, challenging Yugi to take his life. The air was heavy with dark fog, cold and deadly and reminding Yugi greatly of the Shadow world where he had almost lost his life and soul more than once. And a lonely feeling in general, a lonely feeling Yugi knew well. The pain of being alone with bruises on his body and a childish smile on his face even with no reason for a smile to be there. Yugi felt a painful lump in his throat and his eyes stung as he stepped backwards, choking. All the bad things in his past were here…
Why did Yami have a room inside his mind with all the bad memories Yugi had?
I don’t understand…why is this…?
“Aibou?”
Jumping, Yugi spun around to see Yami standing behind him, staring at him. “What are you doing in here?” He demanded.
“I- um-”
“Come on.” Yami had turned around and was walking away. Yugi hurried to follow, and as he left he heard the door slam shut by itself.
Now both pained and confused, Yugi was also scared. Yami was acting uncharacteristically short with him. “Yami…um…I’m sorry…”
Yami didn’t acknowledge him, and Yugi fell silent, looking down at the floor and feeling terrible. He wished he’d never opened that door, he wished he had never even come in here and that he’d stayed in his own room. The images he’d seen only brought back sick feelings in his stomach and a stinging in his heart, and now Yami was angry with him. And while part of him still wondered why that room existed, most of him just wished he’d never seen it.
Reaching the main area, Yami stopped walking and spoke gruffly, “I’m sorry about what you saw.”
Yugi turned. Yami had his head down, it was hard to see his eyes. “Oh…don’t be sorry Yami, you didn’t…do anything wrong.”
Yami said nothing.
“I’m the one that should be sorry, anyway. I…I didn’t mean to…” Yugi felt awkward, not knowing what to say. “I wasn’t trying to snoop or anything, I was just lost and…I’m really sorry about opening that door, if…if it was supposed to be private…”
“Don’t be. If I really wanted it to be private it wouldn’t have opened for you. I was careless…I take responsibility for that.” Yami’s voice was flat.
“Yami…are you okay? I…earlier I felt this pain coming from in here, if…there’s anything wrong-”
“I’m fine, Yugi.”
He registered the cold change from his nickname to his common one, but asked anyway, “Are you sure? I…it just worried me-"
“I told you, I’m fine. Now leave.”
Yugi grit his teeth. Something wasn’t right… “Yami, I know something is wrong, this isn’t you…you aren’t cold like this…”
“Yugi, this is my room, I will act however I wish in it.”
“I’ve been in here before and you never spoke to me like this!” Yugi snapped, hurt at his tone.
“That was before you came in here without my permission, sneaking around and finding things that you shouldn’t have seen!” Yami snapped back. “If you can’t respect my privacy, then I have no obligation to be polite!”
Yugi glared through tears, but couldn’t find the strength to argue back. He didn’t even want to argue, how had things gone so wrong?
“Fine…I’ll go back to my room then…if all I am is an obligation to you…” He turned. Behind him he heard Yami sigh heavily, an unusually sad sound
“…I couldn’t protect you.” Yami’s voice followed.
“What?” Yugi frowned, turning back again.
“I…the reason that room is there…there are times I couldn’t protect you.” Yami was staring at the floor now, sounding as if he was forcing the words out. “And times I…it’s where…there are things I regret, Yugi. Bad things…and bad memories of when I couldn’t help you…that’s where they go. I can’t deal with them…I need to put them someplace. Tonight…I was thinking about them and I suppose that’s what you felt. I’m sorry…you weren’t supposed to notice anything and you were never supposed to see that room. But I’m fine…so you can stop worrying.”
“Yami…most of those were memories of before I met you!” Yugi stared at him in shock at this sudden confession. “Has this been bothering you all this time? You weren’t even here when most of those things were happening!”
“It doesn’t matter!” Yami’s voice rose suddenly. “You were a good person…you deserved better…and life dealt you that…why didn’t someone at least help you while you were feeling alone and sad? Why didn’t I help you?”
Tears were suddenly rolling down the visible part of his face.
“Yami…” Yugi took a few steps and gently touched his other self’s arm. “Yami, come on, you can’t blame yourself for something that happened before we even met!”
“You don’t understand.”
“Of course I-"
“And what about other times?! What about when I hurt you?” he demanded aggressively, grabbing Yugi by the arm to yank his hand away, his grip strong enough to make Yugi yelp. “I DID have control of that! What about all the danger I put you in every time the Shadows got involved? What about when my enemies put you in danger just to get to me? What about when I hurt you by attacking against your wishes? What about when I almost lost you because I gave into hate and darkness…and you took the fall for me…I had a chance to do the right thing and prevent more pain on you and instead I betrayed you that way.”
Saddened by his words, Yugi stared up at him, trying to help. “Yami, listen to me, please calm down, I understand-”
“NO, YOU DON’T!” Suddenly Yami was snarling through his tears, “You don’t understand, Yugi! You don’t know how it feels to look at the person you love and to know there’s all these painful things in their past and to be helpless and know that you can never do anything to take that pain away! You have no idea how--!” Panting from the force of his shouting, he suddenly went silent, his eyes widening slightly as he realized what he’d let slip. He suddenly released Yugi’s arm, white marks outlining the places where his grip had cut off circulation, and stepped back.
“Yami…” Yugi gazed up at his darker half, heart pounding, hating the sound of the anguish in Yami’s voice, but afraid to act and cause him to lash out again. He wished Yami would just meet his eyes, but Yami was keeping his face turned away. Finally Yugi stepped forward, reached out, and simply placed his hand on Yami’s cheek.
It was the touch that stopped Yami from retaliating or jerking away. Yugi was often affectionate or kind, but not overly touchy-feely. He blushed easily when hugged by anybody, and he had never openly touched Yami’s face before. His argument died away instantly, as Yugi used the opening to speak. “Yami, yes I do. I do know how that feels. I’m feeling it right now, seeing you in pain like this.” He murmured, running his thumb over Yami’s cheek, brushing away the tears.
“Y…Yugi…” He was still looking away, but his voice had become shaky.
“You don’t need to feel like my past is your responsibility. And you don’t need to ‘make up’ for it either. Look at those memories…I know they hurt. They hurt me to see them too. But think about them Yami. Are they real?”
Yami blinked. “Well…yes. They are.”
Yugi shook his head. “They’re not.”
“Yugi, stop!” Yami was suddenly shouting again, his eyes squeezed shut. “I don’t want your pity, I don’t want your kindness…don’t you see that is what I need the least?! I’ve benefited from your light for too long, and given you nothing in return. I do not deserve you. I know you’re angry, give me that! Your anger I can handle!”
“No, Yami!” He stared at him desperately. “You’re the one that’s angry, you’re angry at yourself! But I am not angry at you at all and I need you to realize that! And all those bad things, all those bad memories…you’ve been avoiding facing them and failed to realize that they’re not REAL.”
“I…”
“Is the Puzzle broken? Are Jounouchi and Honda cruel to me? Am I locked up in the shadows or the Orichalcos, and is that particular evil controlling you right now? NO! Because those things happened, but they’re not happening now and that means that they aren’t real anymore! They’re just memories. Yami, that room could be empty if you let it. But if you hang onto regrets and guilt like this…it won’t.” His voice softened. “Yami…please. Stop being angry at yourself. At least try.”
Yami turned his head away.
“Yami?”
“…”
“Yami, look at me.”
“…”
“Yami, look at me!” He shouted, grabbing him by the shoulders. “Stop being stubbourn and look at me! I’m real, I’m here in front of you and I’m real, those memories aren’t! Me standing here in front of you and talking to you and holding onto you, I’m the only real thing. Stop looking back on those bad memories and look at me!”
Finally, after a long pause, Yami’s eyes flicked towards Yugi’s, tears still glistening in them, and a sorrowful guilt darkening them. But it was the weariness that struck Yugi. Yami had looked tired, weak, sad before…but never like this. Immeasurable anguish filled his dark irises, the condensed result of pain harboured for too long. Of course he knew his other self was a ghost from the past, but somehow Yugi always overlooked his true age. In his eyes, Yami was and had always been a young man. But now…for the first time since they’d met, Yami looked every bit of his 3000 years; weary and tired and broken. Yugi felt a stab of remorse for shouting at him.
“I’m sorry…I know that you’re right. But…nobody was there for you…I hate it. I can’t stop myself from questioning it. And it’s easier…so much easier to live with guilt than with helplessness, but even that…the guilt gets to be too much sometimes. I just keep beating myself up over it, I should have been there, I shouldn’t have let you down, someone should have done something…” He fell back against the wall, seemingly out of fight. His voice was hollow as he said, “I never…told you what…made me play the Seal of Orichalcos, did I.”
It was a statement, not a question. But Yugi felt he was supposed to answer anyway.
“No, you didn’t. But it doesn’t matt-”
“Because I was afraid…that’s what it was. Fear. Pure, childish fear, combined with my own darkness, and I lost control…all because I was so afraid of letting you down.”
“Letting me…?”
“Look…look at everything you’ve gone through. You’re right, I wasn’t here when you were younger, I couldn’t do anything. But even after I arrived, all the times I had to watch you suffer…all the times I should have helped, but never did…or times when the control was taken from me and I was powerless to keep you safe from my enemies, and now here we were again, and this time…so far…you were safe. Unlike Pegasus and Marik and everyone else…Rafael couldn’t hurt you as long as I stayed in control. And I valued that control so much…that I was willing to give into darkness if it just meant I had enough power to never lose control again…”
Yugi remained silent. He and Yami had mostly avoided discussing what happened at that time. It was something that, once solved, didn’t really need to be brought back up. But now…
A sudden crack shook him from his reverie. Yami had just slammed his fist into the wall and was almost doubled over against it, shivering. “I was an idiot…power means nothing…all those times I assured myself and others that power was no match for wits or a pure good cause…but at that moment it seemed so clear, so easy. If I had power, he would not…and if I was in control, you would always be safe…and that whole wonderful scenario encased in one little card…” This time he willingly met Yugi’s eyes, his expression begging him to understand. “I saw myself stopping anything from ever hurting you again, I saw myself being able to make up for all the times I was helpless and all the mistakes I made…that’s why I played that card. That’s why…I just wanted…for you to not have to suffer anymore…I wanted, for once, to deserve your kindness…”
Yugi’s eyes softened.
Yami…all this time…?
“But look what happened…I almost lost you. I did lose you.”
“Yami, no…” He reached out and took Yami’s hand, partially to comfort and partially to stop him from hitting the wall again. “I’m here. You still have me.”
“I don’t want to ‘have’ you. You’re…too kind…you would be here for me no matter what I do wrong. I don’t want that…I want to deserve you. And I never will-”
“Yami, no!”
“I failed you.”
“You didn’t fail me.” Yugi put his arms around him, holding him firmly as Yami’s words broke down into tears. Slowly Yugi lowered them both to the floor, locking him in his embrace, rubbing his back. “Shh…”
“Ai…Aibou…”
“Shhh.” He closed his eyes, cradling him in his arms. “You haven’t failed me.”
x-x-x
Notes: There was too much fluff and happiness in my fics lately, so it was time for some good Yami!angst. xD Although I suspect Yami begs to differ. ^^;;
The time frame is somewhere between Doma/KCGP and the memory arc. Hooray for obscure anime timelines that allow for little interjections like this. xD;;
I like the mental image of Yugi comforting him. It's a cute mental image. x3 I wish I was good enough to draw it.
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Theme: 27 - “It’s not that I want to have you. I want to deserve you.” for 50_lovequotes
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Parings: YamixYugi implied
Archive: You're lookin' at it
Warnings: Overabundance of Yami angst, whee~ 8D
Spoilers: None majour
Summary: Memories can be the greatest torture a person faces.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh...yes, I was surprised to find that out too.
---
The pain came out of nowhere, pulling Yugi from his dream.
Yami?
Yugi opened the door of his soul room and glanced across at Yami’s door. The pain had lessened, but still seemed to pulse slightly from his side of the hallway. He studied the closed door curiously. What could it have been? It was the middle of the night, and Yami had seemed fine when they said good night a few hours before. Yet, to cause an ache so heavy that it had even penetrated Yugi’s dreams, something must have happened to him.
“Hey, Yami? You here?” Yugi opened the door to Yami’s soul room and peered inside. He saw no signs of trouble, and stepped in further. “Hello? Are you okay?”
No response.
“Mou hitori no boku?” He tried the other name he had used before the spirit had offered up the idea of “Yami.” It almost guaranteed a reaction since he didn’t use it much anymore. But still nothing happened.
Yugi frowned, even more concerned. Normally Yami never ignored Yugi calling for him. In fact, usually Yami would sense Yugi was in his room and appear before Yugi could even think of calling. So where was Yami now?
He’s never ignored me before. And right after that weird feeling…what’s going on? Has something happened to him? But if that’s so…then why does his room look undisturbed?
Yugi considered just going back to his own soul room and returning to his normal sleep. If Yami wasn’t answering him it might be that the Pharaoh simply wasn’t in the mood to talk. It didn’t mean he was in any danger. And the feeling might not have been a sign of something bad. Yami had been a little stressed out lately with the prospect of finding his lost memories so close at hand. It might have simply been him dwelling on that for a moment…
Then he quickly changed his mind and started walking deeper into the maze. Those excuses…he didn’t honestly believe them. It wasn’t stress he’d felt, it was a serious sharp pain. He couldn’t just go back to sleep and ignore that, even if it had only been a quick flash. Maybe by wandering around he would find Yami, or find what was hurting him.
This plan quickly fell apart as Yugi only found himself lost in the maze.
Lost inside my own head, this is pathetic. Come on stupid maze, why won’t you open up for me like you usually do when I come in here…?
Huffing with frustration, Yugi yanked open another door and growled at the sight of another empty room. He tried again to concentrate on wanting to get out and back to the main room. When he’d been in Yami’s soul room before, Yami had always either shown him the way back or Yugi had manipulated the maze himself. When he wanted out, if he concentrated enough he’d sense which door to go through. So why couldn’t he now?
Is something going wrong with the Puzzle, does this have anything to do with that feeling I had? Or is Yami trying to make me lost in here on purpose?
Neither option was good, nor ones did he want to entertain. Battling nervousness, he walked across the room and reached for the next door, almost desperately, praying it was the way out, when suddenly a bolt of pain shot through him.
Grunting, he stumbled backwards. “What on Earth…?”
Reaching for the door again, the same pain hit him, only a little less hard because he was more prepared. Yugi frowned.
Why does my heart hurt when I come near this door?
I came in here because I felt a weird pain before, he rationalized. Could the reason I can’t find the way out be because my mind was more concerned about finding the source of that feeling? So is whatever’s behind here what caused it?
Yugi was aware that not all of the rooms in Yami’s mind were empty. Some held traps, others held memories he wasn’t aware of, and still more held new memories or emotions or thoughts that he’d gained while with Yugi. Something painful was behind this door, Yugi could sense it, and for a moment he hesitated. Did he really want to try opening it?
Maybe Yami wouldn’t want me in there…maybe it’s something private.
But I was led here, so maybe I’m supposed to open it. I do want to know what that feeling was about.
But it just…seems like invading his privacy…
Torn, Yugi finally took a breath, reached out, and yanked open the door.
To find himself staring back at him.
Except it wasn’t him. It was a younger-looking version of him. Confused beyond belief, Yugi stepped into the room, looking at his younger clone carefully.
“Um…hello?”
The other Yugi didn’t pay any attention.
“HELLO?”
Still nothing.
If this is just a memory then he probably can’t hear or see me, Yugi rationalized, and took a step closer to study himself in more detail.
The younger Yugi was just standing there, and slowly as Yugi lost interest and starting scanning the room, more things came into view. Yugi gasped involuntarily. There was the Millennium Puzzle, in pieces and still in its box, appearing unsolvable as it had for years. Standing around the edges of the room were bullies or people that had hurt him before in the past, some with shadowy faces obscuring their features. Jounouchi and Honda were there, also younger, back when they had picked on him, sneering at him. The Orichalcos seal glowed nearby, lighting up a square on the wall with Yugi’s likeness carved into it. Kaiba was there, drawing his hand across his throat, challenging Yugi to take his life. The air was heavy with dark fog, cold and deadly and reminding Yugi greatly of the Shadow world where he had almost lost his life and soul more than once. And a lonely feeling in general, a lonely feeling Yugi knew well. The pain of being alone with bruises on his body and a childish smile on his face even with no reason for a smile to be there. Yugi felt a painful lump in his throat and his eyes stung as he stepped backwards, choking. All the bad things in his past were here…
Why did Yami have a room inside his mind with all the bad memories Yugi had?
I don’t understand…why is this…?
“Aibou?”
Jumping, Yugi spun around to see Yami standing behind him, staring at him. “What are you doing in here?” He demanded.
“I- um-”
“Come on.” Yami had turned around and was walking away. Yugi hurried to follow, and as he left he heard the door slam shut by itself.
Now both pained and confused, Yugi was also scared. Yami was acting uncharacteristically short with him. “Yami…um…I’m sorry…”
Yami didn’t acknowledge him, and Yugi fell silent, looking down at the floor and feeling terrible. He wished he’d never opened that door, he wished he had never even come in here and that he’d stayed in his own room. The images he’d seen only brought back sick feelings in his stomach and a stinging in his heart, and now Yami was angry with him. And while part of him still wondered why that room existed, most of him just wished he’d never seen it.
Reaching the main area, Yami stopped walking and spoke gruffly, “I’m sorry about what you saw.”
Yugi turned. Yami had his head down, it was hard to see his eyes. “Oh…don’t be sorry Yami, you didn’t…do anything wrong.”
Yami said nothing.
“I’m the one that should be sorry, anyway. I…I didn’t mean to…” Yugi felt awkward, not knowing what to say. “I wasn’t trying to snoop or anything, I was just lost and…I’m really sorry about opening that door, if…if it was supposed to be private…”
“Don’t be. If I really wanted it to be private it wouldn’t have opened for you. I was careless…I take responsibility for that.” Yami’s voice was flat.
“Yami…are you okay? I…earlier I felt this pain coming from in here, if…there’s anything wrong-”
“I’m fine, Yugi.”
He registered the cold change from his nickname to his common one, but asked anyway, “Are you sure? I…it just worried me-"
“I told you, I’m fine. Now leave.”
Yugi grit his teeth. Something wasn’t right… “Yami, I know something is wrong, this isn’t you…you aren’t cold like this…”
“Yugi, this is my room, I will act however I wish in it.”
“I’ve been in here before and you never spoke to me like this!” Yugi snapped, hurt at his tone.
“That was before you came in here without my permission, sneaking around and finding things that you shouldn’t have seen!” Yami snapped back. “If you can’t respect my privacy, then I have no obligation to be polite!”
Yugi glared through tears, but couldn’t find the strength to argue back. He didn’t even want to argue, how had things gone so wrong?
“Fine…I’ll go back to my room then…if all I am is an obligation to you…” He turned. Behind him he heard Yami sigh heavily, an unusually sad sound
“…I couldn’t protect you.” Yami’s voice followed.
“What?” Yugi frowned, turning back again.
“I…the reason that room is there…there are times I couldn’t protect you.” Yami was staring at the floor now, sounding as if he was forcing the words out. “And times I…it’s where…there are things I regret, Yugi. Bad things…and bad memories of when I couldn’t help you…that’s where they go. I can’t deal with them…I need to put them someplace. Tonight…I was thinking about them and I suppose that’s what you felt. I’m sorry…you weren’t supposed to notice anything and you were never supposed to see that room. But I’m fine…so you can stop worrying.”
“Yami…most of those were memories of before I met you!” Yugi stared at him in shock at this sudden confession. “Has this been bothering you all this time? You weren’t even here when most of those things were happening!”
“It doesn’t matter!” Yami’s voice rose suddenly. “You were a good person…you deserved better…and life dealt you that…why didn’t someone at least help you while you were feeling alone and sad? Why didn’t I help you?”
Tears were suddenly rolling down the visible part of his face.
“Yami…” Yugi took a few steps and gently touched his other self’s arm. “Yami, come on, you can’t blame yourself for something that happened before we even met!”
“You don’t understand.”
“Of course I-"
“And what about other times?! What about when I hurt you?” he demanded aggressively, grabbing Yugi by the arm to yank his hand away, his grip strong enough to make Yugi yelp. “I DID have control of that! What about all the danger I put you in every time the Shadows got involved? What about when my enemies put you in danger just to get to me? What about when I hurt you by attacking against your wishes? What about when I almost lost you because I gave into hate and darkness…and you took the fall for me…I had a chance to do the right thing and prevent more pain on you and instead I betrayed you that way.”
Saddened by his words, Yugi stared up at him, trying to help. “Yami, listen to me, please calm down, I understand-”
“NO, YOU DON’T!” Suddenly Yami was snarling through his tears, “You don’t understand, Yugi! You don’t know how it feels to look at the person you love and to know there’s all these painful things in their past and to be helpless and know that you can never do anything to take that pain away! You have no idea how--!” Panting from the force of his shouting, he suddenly went silent, his eyes widening slightly as he realized what he’d let slip. He suddenly released Yugi’s arm, white marks outlining the places where his grip had cut off circulation, and stepped back.
“Yami…” Yugi gazed up at his darker half, heart pounding, hating the sound of the anguish in Yami’s voice, but afraid to act and cause him to lash out again. He wished Yami would just meet his eyes, but Yami was keeping his face turned away. Finally Yugi stepped forward, reached out, and simply placed his hand on Yami’s cheek.
It was the touch that stopped Yami from retaliating or jerking away. Yugi was often affectionate or kind, but not overly touchy-feely. He blushed easily when hugged by anybody, and he had never openly touched Yami’s face before. His argument died away instantly, as Yugi used the opening to speak. “Yami, yes I do. I do know how that feels. I’m feeling it right now, seeing you in pain like this.” He murmured, running his thumb over Yami’s cheek, brushing away the tears.
“Y…Yugi…” He was still looking away, but his voice had become shaky.
“You don’t need to feel like my past is your responsibility. And you don’t need to ‘make up’ for it either. Look at those memories…I know they hurt. They hurt me to see them too. But think about them Yami. Are they real?”
Yami blinked. “Well…yes. They are.”
Yugi shook his head. “They’re not.”
“Yugi, stop!” Yami was suddenly shouting again, his eyes squeezed shut. “I don’t want your pity, I don’t want your kindness…don’t you see that is what I need the least?! I’ve benefited from your light for too long, and given you nothing in return. I do not deserve you. I know you’re angry, give me that! Your anger I can handle!”
“No, Yami!” He stared at him desperately. “You’re the one that’s angry, you’re angry at yourself! But I am not angry at you at all and I need you to realize that! And all those bad things, all those bad memories…you’ve been avoiding facing them and failed to realize that they’re not REAL.”
“I…”
“Is the Puzzle broken? Are Jounouchi and Honda cruel to me? Am I locked up in the shadows or the Orichalcos, and is that particular evil controlling you right now? NO! Because those things happened, but they’re not happening now and that means that they aren’t real anymore! They’re just memories. Yami, that room could be empty if you let it. But if you hang onto regrets and guilt like this…it won’t.” His voice softened. “Yami…please. Stop being angry at yourself. At least try.”
Yami turned his head away.
“Yami?”
“…”
“Yami, look at me.”
“…”
“Yami, look at me!” He shouted, grabbing him by the shoulders. “Stop being stubbourn and look at me! I’m real, I’m here in front of you and I’m real, those memories aren’t! Me standing here in front of you and talking to you and holding onto you, I’m the only real thing. Stop looking back on those bad memories and look at me!”
Finally, after a long pause, Yami’s eyes flicked towards Yugi’s, tears still glistening in them, and a sorrowful guilt darkening them. But it was the weariness that struck Yugi. Yami had looked tired, weak, sad before…but never like this. Immeasurable anguish filled his dark irises, the condensed result of pain harboured for too long. Of course he knew his other self was a ghost from the past, but somehow Yugi always overlooked his true age. In his eyes, Yami was and had always been a young man. But now…for the first time since they’d met, Yami looked every bit of his 3000 years; weary and tired and broken. Yugi felt a stab of remorse for shouting at him.
“I’m sorry…I know that you’re right. But…nobody was there for you…I hate it. I can’t stop myself from questioning it. And it’s easier…so much easier to live with guilt than with helplessness, but even that…the guilt gets to be too much sometimes. I just keep beating myself up over it, I should have been there, I shouldn’t have let you down, someone should have done something…” He fell back against the wall, seemingly out of fight. His voice was hollow as he said, “I never…told you what…made me play the Seal of Orichalcos, did I.”
It was a statement, not a question. But Yugi felt he was supposed to answer anyway.
“No, you didn’t. But it doesn’t matt-”
“Because I was afraid…that’s what it was. Fear. Pure, childish fear, combined with my own darkness, and I lost control…all because I was so afraid of letting you down.”
“Letting me…?”
“Look…look at everything you’ve gone through. You’re right, I wasn’t here when you were younger, I couldn’t do anything. But even after I arrived, all the times I had to watch you suffer…all the times I should have helped, but never did…or times when the control was taken from me and I was powerless to keep you safe from my enemies, and now here we were again, and this time…so far…you were safe. Unlike Pegasus and Marik and everyone else…Rafael couldn’t hurt you as long as I stayed in control. And I valued that control so much…that I was willing to give into darkness if it just meant I had enough power to never lose control again…”
Yugi remained silent. He and Yami had mostly avoided discussing what happened at that time. It was something that, once solved, didn’t really need to be brought back up. But now…
A sudden crack shook him from his reverie. Yami had just slammed his fist into the wall and was almost doubled over against it, shivering. “I was an idiot…power means nothing…all those times I assured myself and others that power was no match for wits or a pure good cause…but at that moment it seemed so clear, so easy. If I had power, he would not…and if I was in control, you would always be safe…and that whole wonderful scenario encased in one little card…” This time he willingly met Yugi’s eyes, his expression begging him to understand. “I saw myself stopping anything from ever hurting you again, I saw myself being able to make up for all the times I was helpless and all the mistakes I made…that’s why I played that card. That’s why…I just wanted…for you to not have to suffer anymore…I wanted, for once, to deserve your kindness…”
Yugi’s eyes softened.
Yami…all this time…?
“But look what happened…I almost lost you. I did lose you.”
“Yami, no…” He reached out and took Yami’s hand, partially to comfort and partially to stop him from hitting the wall again. “I’m here. You still have me.”
“I don’t want to ‘have’ you. You’re…too kind…you would be here for me no matter what I do wrong. I don’t want that…I want to deserve you. And I never will-”
“Yami, no!”
“I failed you.”
“You didn’t fail me.” Yugi put his arms around him, holding him firmly as Yami’s words broke down into tears. Slowly Yugi lowered them both to the floor, locking him in his embrace, rubbing his back. “Shh…”
“Ai…Aibou…”
“Shhh.” He closed his eyes, cradling him in his arms. “You haven’t failed me.”
x-x-x
Notes: There was too much fluff and happiness in my fics lately, so it was time for some good Yami!angst. xD Although I suspect Yami begs to differ. ^^;;
The time frame is somewhere between Doma/KCGP and the memory arc. Hooray for obscure anime timelines that allow for little interjections like this. xD;;
I like the mental image of Yugi comforting him. It's a cute mental image. x3 I wish I was good enough to draw it.