[fic] Be All My Sins Remembered - Yugioh, YYxY, angst/romance, PG-13
Title: Be All My Sins Remembered
Author: Chey (duelist_gurl163)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst/Romance
Parings: YamixYugi
Archive: You're lookin' at it
Warnings: None really...except extreme Yami!angst...but come on, there's no such thing as too much Yami!angst. Um, and there's a mix of dub and sub concepts in here, so...don't get nitpicky.
Spoilers: the end of the DOMA arc. However, great liberty was taken with dialogue/time frames/scenes. ^^;; Creative license, people!
Summary: How would Yugi ever be able to forgive him when he could never forgive himself?
He had been dead silent for the last hour. Striding along the tracks, his eyes fixed on something only he could see, he hadn’t said a word to her since leaving that clearing and discussing which direction they should go. The moment a path was chosen, he went silent and no comment from Anzu could get a verbal reaction.
Finally she just asked, “what’s wrong?”
He shrugged, a sign that he was listening at least.
“You saw Yugi…I thought you’d be happier now.”
Again one of those damned shrugs.
“Yami-“
“Don’t call me that.” His lips barely moved.
“Sorry, Mou Hitor-”
“Don’t call me that either.”
“Then what, should I just say ‘you’ when I want to get your attention?” She finally demanded, getting a little exasperated.
“Just…call me Pharaoh. It works fine.”
She was confused, since he never really seemed to care for his title before, but decided not to fight it. “Fine, Pharaoh.” She waited, but Yami - or Pharaoh as he was now mysteriously insisting on - seemed to be finished with the conversation and was walking quietly again.
“Come on, what’s wrong? You got to talk to Yugi! He’s okay, we know that now, and now we know more about Dartz that we might be able to use…”
“True.”
“So why don’t you cheer up? I thought talking to Yugi would make you happier.”
“How can it?”
“What?”
“I said, how can it?” Yami’s strides were slowing down. “How can talking to Yugi…make me happier?”
“Well…you miss him…and he forgave you, doesn’t that-“
“He didn’t forgive me.”
“What are you talking about? Of course he forgave you! He said so!”
“He didn’t say so. He just talked about how I’m not evil anymore, and that he’d always be with me though this…”
“Sounds like forgiving to me,” she reasoned. “He’s clearly not angry.”
“He’ll never forgive me.” Yami’s head was lowered, feeling his way along the train tracks with his feet. “Not after what I did.”
“Yami-“
“I told you not to call me that!” He snapped. “Yugi is the only one allowed to call me that!”
“Since when?” They had all used it for him, after all.
“Since now! Yugi’s gone and he was the one that chose to use that name for me and I don’t want to hear that name anymore, and don’t you dare call me Other Yugi either because I’m not Yugi…Yugi’s a million times better than me…I am nothing but a parasite in his body, I’m not him, I don’t want him brought to my level by using his name…”
His anger made her stop walking and speak more gently.
“Pharaoh…Yugi’s not gone, not forever. We’re going to get him back, I promise. I know you’ll save him. I know you’ll do anything for him.”
“And for what…I’ll save him only to drag him into danger again…” He kicked the train track furiously, then regretted it because now it felt like he’d broken his toes on his right foot. “He’s too forgiving…he shouldn’t have let me hold him after that duel. He should have pushed me away.”
“But he didn’t,” she pressed.
“All the times I’ve messed up…never once has he held a grudge. Killing people before we actually met, nearly killing Kaiba, letting him deal with the Shadow Realm when he wasn’t able, Marik endangering him countless times just to get to me, he almost died in a fire just to rescue me! And then using him as the scapegoat in that last duel in Battle City…and now this…who forgives after all of that?”
“Yugi does. He knows you didn’t intend for him to be hurt…and he knows you’ve suffered whenever he has, you haven’t gone unpunished. It’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault. Yugi isn’t angry.”
“Losing him to the Orichalcos was my fault.”
“But you’ve made amends. And you’re going to save him. It isn’t like he got taken and you were like, ‘well sucks to be you!’ and forgot about him! You’ve been suffering ever since you lost him.”
“So?”
“So, you’ve taken responsibility for your actions, you’ve had a chance to talk to him, and he’s forgiven you. I really don’t see what you’re so upset about. Of course you miss him still, it’s okay to miss him, but there’s nothing left to be angry about…” She folded her arms. “If you’re still blaming yourself you’ve just got to stop and let that go.”
“Let it go? LET IT GO?” Yami’s eyes blazed. Anzu took a step back as he stormed, “I’m supposed to let it go! I’m supposed to pretend it never happened? Just go find Yugi and save him and completely forget that I good as killed him? His soul is gone! His soul is God-knows-where, I good as put a gun to his head and fired it. And even if he’s okay, even if we defeat Dartz and save everyone and Yugi is okay…then what? What next? He’ll never trust me again, don’t you understand that? How could he ever trust me after what I did? I don’t even want him to trust me again, because I don’t deserve it! It scares me, Anzu…that darkness is still inside of me. It’s part of me. He knows it. If he forgives me and lets it be okay…that means he’s open to being hurt again, open to me losing control and hurting him! Do you know how much that terrifies me? And he will never be able to look at me without thinking that someday I could give into it. Even if I promise to never make that mistake again…why should he believe me? When I’ve given into darkness before…or violence at least…why should he expect this next time to be any different? Yugi isn’t stupid, Anzu.
“In Duelist Kingdom he saw who I really was…I don’t know why he didn’t take the hint then. And then…I let him duel in that fight with Pegasus, if I hadn’t won, he would have died…and then Marik…using him at almost every turn, trapping him into sick games just to get to me. It wouldn’t have been me that took the fall! I survive as long as the Puzzle survives, but Yugi…he would have died. Because my enemies wanted me, and Yugi was in the way…
“But this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, this time it was me that started it all. I played the Seal. I gave into hate. And Yugi took the fall. My sins, Anzu, mine…and Yugi’s the one suffering punishment. What if this time he doesn’t forgive me? What if when we find him again, he’s angry and he blames me for everything…I will deserve it, but…I can’t survive it…I can’t survive him hating me.”
He hadn’t said this much at one time to her for days, not since Yugi was taken, and his voice was becoming hoarse near the end. If it hurt, he never let it on.
Pacing back and forth beside the tracks now, he was snarling, “And you want me to let it go…you want me to pretend it didn’t happen. Well, it did happen! Yugi won’t forgive me…and if he does he shouldn’t…he shouldn’t have forgiven me from the start. He should have gotten rid of the Puzzle the moment he saw my true colours in Duelist Kingdom.”
Apparently out of steam for the moment, or perhaps just preparing his next argument, he fell silent and stopped pacing. Anzu took the opening.
“I understand all that, Pharaoh, but…he didn’t. Yugi didn’t get rid of the Puzzle, and he has forgiven you. He knows what he’s doing, you’re right when you say he isn’t stupid. He understands completely what he’s doing. He’ll trust you again, I know he will. He’s trusting you right now to rescue him. He let you hold him because he wanted you to.”
Yami shook his head, not even pausing to consider her words. He didn’t want to.
“No…he won’t be able to trust me the same away again. No matter how hard I try. And if I try too hard…he’ll just think I’m trying to get him to let me back in just so I can hurt him again.”
“Yugi would never think that, and you know it.” She frowned.
“Maybe not…but it doesn’t matter anyway. He doesn’t deserve this…he doesn’t deserve everything I’ve done to him. I’m not letting this happen again, it has gone way too far. Once Yugi is safe…I’m going to disappear.”
“Disappear?”
“Vanish. Leave. I'm tied to the Puzzle, but I can lock myself away inside my soul room, in a place so well-hidden you could search for it for years and never find it…it would be like I wasn't there. And he could live a normal life again.”
“No…you can’t do that-“
“Of course I can. Look at the trouble I’ve brought to his life already…tell me he won’t be better off without me interfering.”
“Yugi wouldn’t want you to do that.” She murmured.
He turned away, suddenly feeling like he’d said too much, and wishing for silence again. “Look, let’s just keep going. We’ve got a long walk.”
“Yami-“
“No.”
“Pharaoh-“
“I said, no.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“Because it doesn’t matter, this conversation is over. Yugi is all that matters, we need to keep going. We’ve wasted enough time discussing this.” He was already walking away.
Unable to think of a compelling counter-argument, she sighed and hurried to catch up. Yami was looking straight ahead again. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the sun shining on the fresh tears on his cheeks, and also the movement he tried to hide as he wiped them away.
She said nothing.
---
Holding the sphere of light, Yami looked down at it. It pulsed, warm against his fingers.
Yugi…
Another sphere sped by him, probably Kaiba’s soul, eager to return to its body and fight some more. Yami, however, cared only about the one he was holding.
Can it really be?
The three Legendary Knights in front of him smiled and nodded.
I’ve missed you…
That was his final thought as he allowed the orb to enter his chest, and instantly felt the connection; the missing piece whose absence had pained him all along had returned at last. Closing his eyes he let it take over, gladly giving up control, happy to slip away and out-of-sight.
You’re okay.
Moments later the others were awake, and Anzu was hugging Yugi tightly. Then Jounouchi arrived, shoving people out of the way, glomping Yugi with a shout of joy. Honda wasted no time joining in with the festivities, and Yami just stayed quietly off to the side, an invisible witness, smiling at the scene, forgetting for a moment the fight that remained.
Then Yugi suddenly turned his attention to him. As his friends hugged him, his spirit looked to Yami.
He was smiling.
Yami gazed at him for a moment. “Yugi…you’re free.”
“Does this mean you’ve won?” His voice was breathless with happiness, smiling at Yami so cheerfully…
Yami felt his heart throbbing.
Yugi was smiling at him…he didn’t hate him, he was smiling…
Smiling at a man that had betrayed him…
He felt shame rush over him, but knew there was no time to talk right now. He would face Yugi later, if there would be a “later.” Right now…the fight wasn’t over.
“He…he disappeared after the duel, I have a feeling he’s still planning something, maybe something even worse.”
Yugi’s eyes darkened with seriousness, and he nodded.
“At least we’ll face it…together…” Yami murmured.
Yugi nodded again and smiled one more, and his spirit returned to his body to discuss the next plans with the others. Yami quietly returned to his soul room.
He was almost glad the danger wasn’t over. It meant, (however much he knew he didn’t deserve them), that he would have these last few moments by Yugi’s side.
---
The ocean…
Yami hadn’t spent a lot of time watching the ocean in his life. With the calm water and the setting sun turning the sky molten gold and red and pink, it really was beautiful.
However Yugi couldn’t see it. He was still lying unconscious at the waterline, the waves lapping at his feet. Yami was sitting beside him, waiting for him to wake up. He didn’t know how they had arrived on this beach either, they must have both been rendered unconscious. His eyes were trained on the sky, but he wasn’t taking in the beauty.
The thoughts circled. Yugi is safe. Dartz is defeated. The Leviathan is gone. The other souls have been released. The world has been put right again. It's all over.
And now…
At that moment Yugi stirred. Yami instantly retreated several feet away.
With a groan for his aching muscles, Yugi pulled himself to his feet. He stretched, then looked around. He was on a beach…?
Turning, he spotted Yami standing behind him. “Yami…where are we?”
“An island, I believe.”
“Well, considering we were on Atlantis, anyplace is better than the bottom of the ocean.” He smiled.
“Hmn, true.”
“Yami?”
“…Don’t call me that.” This was the second time he had to give that order…and this time it hurt infinitely worse. So long he’d desperately wished to hear Yugi’s voice, just to talk to him again…and now he couldn’t. Not if he wanted to make sure what needed to be done was done.
Yugi frowned, pausing from his brushing of sand from his arms. “Why?”
“Just…don’t, okay?”
“Fine, Mou-“
“No, not that either. I don’t want those names you gave me anymore.”
“Can I ask why?”
“Because…because I just don’t want them. Just call me Pharaoh.”
“Oh, finally getting cocky about our title, are we?” Yugi was teasing.
“Ai…Aib…Yugi…please stop.” Yami couldn’t even bring himself to use his special name for Yugi. The longer he looked at Yugi smiling and being playful, the more it hurt. He just wished Yugi would stop.
He’d almost lost him…almost lost that smile…those eyes…
“Yami, what’s wrong?” He finally asked, his teasing smile fading into concern.
“I told you…don’t call me that.”
“I don’t understand…what’s going on?”
“I just...” He was biting his lower lip.
He knew what he had to say. But he’d never dreamed it would be this hard.
“Yugi…you have to…destroy the Puzzle.”
“What?!” Yugi stared, jaw dropping. “Are you completely insane?!”
“No, I’m just…doing what’s right.” Yami couldn’t meet his eyes, no matter how hard Yugi was trying to make eye contact.
“And destroying the Puzzle is right?” Yugi replied, confused. “You’re not making any sense whatsoever.”
“Yugi, I betrayed you!” Yami finally burst out. “I betrayed you…I hurt you…for the millionth goddamn time another mistake I made almost took you…forever…”
“But I’m here.” Yugi said, puzzled. “I’m alive, I’m fine…why does that other stuff matter now?”
“You shouldn’t have let me hold you after that duel.” Yami was speaking to his feet. “You should have told me to fuck off.”
Yugi seemed amused. “Since when do you curse so much?”
“STOP IT!” Yami shouted. “Stop making all of this into a joke! It’s not funny! What I did to you is not funny!”
Yugi blinked, the force in Yami’s voice startling him. He’d never heard a tone like this come from him before.
“Yami…”
“And I told you to stop calling me that! I don’t want to hear that name anymore!”
“Well I’m going to call you it anyway!” Yugi returned. “It’s my name for you and if I want to call you Yami or Other Me or any other name, I will. What do you say to that?”
Yami didn’t seem to have an answer, he was just gazing at Yugi with a strange expression. Yugi tilted his head and took a step forward. “Now will you please tell me what’s wrong?”
He was still staring at him, his expression pained and his indigo eyes strangely clouded. “…You forgave me.”
“Yes, I did.”
“I don’t want to be forgiven.”
“But Yami-“
“I don’t want to be forgiven, I don’t want you to give me another chance. Look at what I did to you…and now…that darkness is still there.”
“But you can control it now.”
“What if I can’t?”
“Then you’ll learn. I’ll help you.”
The pain inside him was growing by the second. Yugi’s understanding and sympathy were the last things he wanted. Well…he wanted them…but he knew he shouldn’t have them. It would just make the good-bye harder.
“Yugi, I don’t understand…how you can let everything that happened be okay. It’s not okay, it’ll never be okay. Why do you forgive me? Why do you still trust me? You shouldn’t, you can’t trust me after this…. You can’t…after everything, after every mistake, you always forgive me, over and over…”
“Well, you always make amends, you always make sure things are put right…”
“But what if one day I can’t?” He looked up desperately. “Every time you’ve been hurt…every time you’ve been in danger…we barely got out! And it was me that got you into that danger. It was me that’s…put your life on the line. It’s not my own life I’m gambling with, it’s yours. That isn’t fair. One day…one day I’ll make the wrong gamble, one day I’ll put you in too much danger that I won’t be able to save you from. This time…was so close. I considered…at first I thought you were gone forever…I thought about just…ending it. Who cared if Dartz won…what is this world honestly worth…if you’re gone…?”
“Yami…”
“But I couldn’t then, there was still a chance and I had to fight for you, that’s the only reason I kept moving. I had to save you before I…”
“Before what?” Yugi asked sharply. “Before you what?”
He let out a quiet breath. “I don’t know if…you’ve had a chance to talk to Anzu. She probably hasn’t told you how I planned to vanish. To lock myself away…someplace inside my soul room where nobody can reach and then you could live a regular life again…it would be so simple.”
Yugi reached towards him. “Yami, no, please don’t do that-“ His hand merely slipped right through Yami’s spirit. Much the way Yami’s had when he tried to touch Yugi at first in the Spirit Place.
“Yami…? Please, don't...”
“Don’t worry, I won’t. I came up with a better idea.”
“Better…?”
“Destroy the Puzzle,” he said simply. “Get rid of it…like you should have months and months ago.”
“No! I can’t do that, I won’t…what about you?”
“Destroying it will get rid of me.”
“But…no! We’ve come all this way, we’ve tried so hard…you’re so close to finding your memories at last, and remember what Ishizu said? About evil? It didn’t stop with Marik, there’s more out there, and your memories and your journey will solve it…”
“No, don’t you understand…this isn’t about me anymore. I don’t care about my memories, I don’t care about my past anymore…don’t you understand, that none of that matters in the end? All I care about now is you being safe. What does finding some old memories really mean compared to your safety? What does some ridiculous ancient evil really matter? If the Puzzle is destroyed, that evil can’t come back anyway. I don’t care about Ishizu or the Millennium Items or my memories anymore…if the price is your life…nothing is worth that. And you’ll be safe…that’s all that matters. No more psychotic madmen coming after you to get to me, no more evil other self to worry about, no more problems, no more pain…”
“I am not going to destroy the Puzzle.” Yugi planted his feet firmly in the sand. “Never.”
“Yugi…I can force you to. I’ll take over your body, I’ll force you to destroy it.”
Yugi folded his arms. “Won’t do you any good, the moment you take out one piece or try to break it you’ll lose our connection and any control you had. And even if you got it unsolved, I’ll just find the pieces and solve it again.”
“Then I’ll think of a different way to destroy it. Fire, or something…”
“Doesn’t my opinion count in this? Have you considered that I don’t want the Puzzle destroyed at all?”
“You’re forgiving me for something nobody should ever be forgiven for!”
“And you’re acting like a lunatic, so we’re even. You want to know why I let you hold me after that duel?”
Yami fell silent, at a loss. Yugi wasn’t letting him go. Why wasn’t Yugi letting him go? Wouldn’t he be happier about not having to fear for his safety every day?
“Do you?”
Still silent, still thinking: Why isn’t he glad for a chance to be rid of me…?
“Because I love you. And because when you picked me up, I felt whole. And because even though you do have darkness inside you, that’s okay, because I love that part of you too. And because I missed you more than anything, and because trying to be angry in order to make you face your demons hurt. And because at the end, finally, there you were, holding me, asking if I was okay, and I’ll be damned if I was going to make you let me go when I’d waited forever for that moment.”
Anything Yami had been debating vanished from his mind. He just stared at Yugi. Yugi stared evenly back. “You wanted the truth, there it is.”
“Yugi…”
“Still want to destroy the Puzzle?”
“I…”
Yugi waited.
“I never wanted to,” Yami finally whispered.
“You were so gung-ho about it a little while ago.”
“But that never meant I wanted to.” He was chewing his lower lip again, blinking more than he should have needed to. “It just seemed like the only option left. I just…can’t ever…put you in danger again…because next time...Yugi, you…you mean everything to me…I could never survive it…if it was my fight that took you…and it made you die hating me…as long as you’re safe that’s all I want…and destroying the Puzzle…it would keep you safe.”
He was trying so hard not to cry that he didn’t notice Yugi moving, not until he felt Yugi’s index finger resting on his lips, touching flesh; he hadn’t attempted to make his form non-corporeal this time. “You keep biting your lip like that and people that see you will think someone punched you in the mouth,” Yugi smiled. “I’m safe right now, aren’t I? Well, besides the being-stuck-on-an-island thing. But otherwise, I’m alive and well. And I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and that wouldn’t be your fault at all, so without the Puzzle I still wouldn’t be safe forever. You keep saying ‘next time’ and how I can’t trust you ‘next time.’ Who ever said there’d be a next time? Why are you deciding now that you’re going to mess up again? None of us can predict the future…so it just seems stupid to get worked up about ‘next time.’ I’d rather wait and see what happens. And I’d like to wait with you.”
“Yes…but…be as that may…how can you forgive me for everything that’s already happened?”
Yugi pulled his hand away and tapped his own chin thoughtfully. “Let’s see. Well, for one thing you apologized and are truly sorry. Plus, you rescued me, you saved the others, you defeated Dartz, you saved him from his own evil, you reunited him with his family, you saved our world and the Dominion of the Beasts…gee, you know what, you’re right. You’re a terrible person. Bad Yami. Look at all the people you saved and helped. You oughta be ashamed.”
Yami frowned. “You’re making jokes again. After all this…you’re making jokes.”
“What better time?”
“Yugi-“
“I’ll stop with the jokes if you’ll just please call me Aibou again.”
Yami was quiet.
“Are you still feeling guilty?”
He laughed, very softly. “You don’t miss a thing.”
Yugi smiled, and wrapped his arms around him tightly. “If I tell you it’s okay, will that help?”
“Just tell me you’re not destroying the Puzzle,” he murmured into Yugi’s hair, immersed in his silky scent.
“Yami, I’m not destroying the Puzzle. I totally refuse to.” He stood up on his toes, his nose now tip-to-tip with Yami’s, grinning. “And you’re stuck with me, and I trust you, and I forgive you too, whether you want me to or not. Oh, and never try to tell me what name I’m allowed to use for you again. Got it?”
Yami beamed. “As you wish, Aibou.”
X - X - X
Notes: Anyone that can recognize the "as you wish" reference gets a cyber cookie. xD
Not much to say about this...I actually had a way different plot bunny couple a months ago focusing on Yami's angst and all that, but this one was the one that wanted to be written instead. And I have no control over plot bunnies...as any fanfic writer knows all too well. X_x
I love the DOMA arc so friggin much...I know it's so out-of-context with the series and some of the animation is crap but dang it is CUTE. I swear the writers created it merely to make Puzzleshipping official. Yes. And I want to steal Dartz' hair.
Yeah I manipulated some scenes to do this and took far too much liberty with dialogue and time frames. xD Originally it was only two scenes, but jumping from Yami and Anzu on the train tracks all the way to Yami and Yugi on the beach seemed like a big jump. So there was the little reunion scene in the middle.