Ruminations in tech week
So... I'm sitting in the burrows theater dressing room... and we open in a week... WHAT IS THIS?!
Aside from that, as im listening to my castmates amazing stonestreet monologue about "knowing who i am", I'll be writing something that i need to remind myself about how i should be as a person.
I auditions for the N'harmz again this semester in a state i clearly should not have been auditioning since I had 30 things going on that day. I wasnt prepared and went singing "Beautiful disaster" because it was the only belty song i really knew. Needless to say it didnt go well because of all the strain. Miraculously, i still got a callback again like i used to. after some talking Gerianne came out to tell me what to prepare. what she actually said meant 10 times more. she told me to try and be less of what Nharmz wanted me to be and be myself. Despite the fact that i knew that, I think it took someone like Gerianne to tell me that out loud for it to make sense. And for some reason my whole world blew up.
Its like what Derek says about living and playing than "acting". Especially in classroom settings, I've spent so much time trying to figure out what the teacher wants to see and using it to my advantage. What i sacrifice instead is a sense of self. for that specific reason, im really sad i didnt do the "who i am dance" juwt because i realized i actually dont know WHO I AM. I feel like what I say I am is a combination of what everyone expects of me, what people have told me they think I am and it seems to work. But in the end its just a bunch of layers, and it comes to a point where even i dont know what the core ofmyself was.
But then maybe I am all those things. Maybe I give myself less credit about what I think is me and what I think is not me. Another Derek reference (because everything he says is golden). This is not a direct quote, but I'll be speaking about it from his perspective. He talks about this is an acting perspective but theres something about it that applies to life,
In high school, I decided I was going to be the guy that wore suits, grey socks and loafers. I was THAT guy and I was that guy who knew that every day someone was going to say "WHATS THE OCCASION? HA!" In college, I became the guy who grew out his hair, wore rip jeans, and no shoes. Now, I'm here. I'm me, but I'm also me for all of those moments. And i havr access to all of that. Thats what this class is about. everyone here can do it. Its just a matter of being able to access it at will.
This is in application to acting training, which is weird because I feel like this is what im doing in real life. But the again i need to remember Im not even 20 yet. Its just a matter of patience
*part two: after Derek Lucci's talk about advanced year
Today was eye opening. After Derek's amazing pep talk about how he plans to form Playwrights. Essentially, he sounds like he's single handed finally going to get playwrights advanced training on track. The acting afterwards was completely different. Im continuously getting frustrated at how i can see, articulate and identify the specifics of what is keeping me from being alive, from playing with the other person in the room. Im super empathetic outside of the box, but for some reason a soon as I step in the box, I NEED comfort, i need to find safety. And I do that by the easy way out: i either run off in fear, or be aggressive and lash out. It wasn't till I went up to Derek and told him about my problem that I knew I had and he told me what I needed to do that I understood what I need to try. I'm just realizing that Derek is training us to be people to be actors that direct yourself, but the problem is that i always seem to cling to the director for feedback. Granted, i basically can make choices but I realize they are choices made and then like a loyal puppy i turn around to see if I satisfied them. Multitasking practice, remembering to live and PLAY with your partner. there is a difference between standing and being stagnant and standing and being generous. Learning to reject through restraint. The word of the day is living. Playing. Being aware, but being alive. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
Thoughts written down. A lot of these are jumbled. Just need to get it out.
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