Fic: Fall in love whenever you can - interlude I
The day Yunho left had been beautiful.
The sun had finally begun to shine after weeks of grey clouds and gloomy weather, faint patches of green appeared on trees as leaves formed, and Jaejoong had never felt more like killing someone.
His boyfriend of four years, six months, and who knows how many days had disappeared, leaving behind nothing more than a note that said something about how he was sorry but something important had come up and it would be best to break up because he didn’t think they were right for each other.
At first Jaejoong had been pissed off. Four years together, and now he was saying they weren’t compatible? He was sure Yunho would come back, pleading temporary insanity or something like that, and he waited. He had it all planned, too. Yunho would show up on his doorstep one day, disheveled and full of remorse and apologies. Jaejoong would pretend at first that he was still annoyed and refuse to talk to him, but eventually he’d forgive Yunho and they’d be back together again and that was the important part.
*
Five years. Five long, agonizing years, and Yunho never bothered to call, write, or contact him in any way. Jaejoong tried to get over it, he really did, but every now and then he’d feel the sting of betrayal all over again. And the hurt. It hurt a lot.
Jaejoong began to move around a lot when he realized Yunho was probably never going to come back, always looking for some sort of distraction. He grew up, got a job (singing at a club), and even dated other people.
He didn’t make a secret of his sexuality. So he was gay, so what. People still admired him.
It was while he was working at said club that two guys came up to him. They’d talked to him, complimented his performance, and then casually suggested a blind date. Well, one did. The other stood around looking embarrassed.
Jaejoong was a bit wary at first; blind dates were never really his thing and he didn’t even know these people, but they seemed nice and even showed him a picture. It wasn’t a very good picture, slightly blurred and too small, but there was nevertheless something attractive about the guy. Shim Changmin.
He debated with himself for a few minutes and finally agreed. “Why not?” he thought spitefully. For all he knew Yunho was out there somewhere, having the time of his life and not thinking about him.
*
To his surprise he liked Changmin, liked him a lot.
Changmin was good looking, but there was more to him than his appearance; he was also smart. Thoughtful. Quiet, at first. As they got to know each other better, his true personality began to show, little by little.
He knew how to make Jaejoong laugh, took care of him whenever he was upset, and he always had some story to tell that would distract Jaejoong from his own personal issues, for the time.
They had fun together, liked each other, and then Yunho called.
*
There it was, the familiar voice coming from another lifetime, from Jaejoong’s past.
Yunho had sounded too polite, too formal, and it broke Jaejoong’s heart. It’s me, he wanted to shout. I’ve been waiting for you all this time, I’m here.
And then he remembered Yunho had left him, and that he was supposed to act cold. Indifferent.
“What do you want, Yunho? Why are you calling me?”
But any anger he had felt, feigned or real, disappeared at Yunho’s next words.
“I’m sorry that I left you, Jaejoong. But I had a reason.”
*
It took an age to forget Yunho, but it doesn’t take so long to forget Changmin.
That’s the only excuse Jaejoong has (and it’s not much of an excuse) for what he does next, for running out of his apartment, leaving behind comfort and Changmin, and going to find Yunho. It’s the only excuse Jaejoong has for kissing him.
He’s not really surprised when he comes back to the apartment and Changmin is nowhere to be seen. It’s what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it? A joyous reunion just can’t have another person hanging around. Changmin doesn’t fit in the picture.
What is he supposed to do, anyways? Yunho is dying. How can he even let himself be happy and stay with Changmin with that knowledge?
He can’t, and calls Changmin to tell him it’s over.
You’re a good person, and I like you, but I’m in love with him.
Changmin is calm, eerily calm, and Jaejoong feels so fucking guilty he almost can’t bear it. He thinks about telling him that Yunho’s dying, he can’t leave him, they have a history, but he doesn’t. Changmin doesn’t need to know that. It’d just hurt him more.
I’m sorry.
*
Jaejoong’s life becomes sleep, work, and Yunho. He tries to spend as much time as he can with Yunho, and they make the best of the time remaining. They usually go to Yunho’s apartment, and Jaejoong’s not sure why he never suggests they go to his, or even why he never suggests Yunho move in with him.
It just seems wrong, Jaejoong decides. Changmin’s belongings are still scattered everywhere, and even though Jaejoong’s vowed to pick everything up and give it back, he can’t bring himself to deal with it yet. Plus, they’re Changmin’s. He should be the one to stop by and pick them up.
Eventually he does put everything in boxes and stuffs them in his closet, but that’s only because looking at them reminded him of what he had done.
He packs the pictures last. They’re scattered all over the apartment, some framed and others just taped to walls.
There’s only one more left, one of Jaejoong’s favorites, that’s placed next to his bed. It’s a picture of Changmin in front of their apartment, and he’s laughing, head tilted towards the sky. Jaejoong had always liked Changmin’s smile.
“It’s not my fault,” Jaejoong says stubbornly, addressing the picture. “I didn’t have a choice.”
He’s angry because no matter what he says, he can’t shake the feeling that if Changmin never smiles like that again, it’ll be his fault.
*
For the next couple of days he practically lives at Yunho’s apartment.
To anyone else, they would seem like a normal couple in every respect. That’s how Yunho wants their relationship to be, without the cloud of doom and gloom hovering over.
“Pretend I’m not going to die,” he tells Jaejoong.
In public they hold hands, hug, kiss each other, and it’s all very natural. They both get used to it, but at night they talk and what lays in the future is all too obvious.
Yunho’s got a lot of stories to tell, secret fears he kept to himself. He talks about the cancer and how he felt when the doctor told him, about why he left, about the pure euphoric feeling of remission, and then the grief that followed.
Sometimes, he wonders aloud what death is like, and Jaejoong has to excuse himself so Yunho can’t see him cry.
Yunho never cries, but occasionally Jaejoong catches a faint flicker of sadness on his face when they go out together. It’s like all of a sudden he remembered he was going to die and that any happiness he felt was only temporary.
But he covers it up quickly, and Jaejoong pretends he doesn’t see, and they act like everything is okay.
*
Yunho kisses with a sense of urgency, and when Jaejoong tries to recall how he used to kiss, he can’t. Nevertheless, his touch is familiar; Jaejoong closes his eyes and lets his mind wander.
A hand on his hip, lips by his ear, a faint whisper, I love you.
But it’s not Yunho’s voice he hears.
Jaejoong is asleep already, but he wakes up slightly when Changmin lies down next to him. There’s a rustle of blankets, the slight squeak of the bedsprings, and then silence. Jaejoong’s about to doze off again when he hears a soft sigh.
“Jaejoong,” Changmin whispers, barely audible. “I-” A pause. It sounds almost like Changmin’s rehearsing his words, still thinking what to say.
By now Jaejoong’s wide awake, and he tries not to move. Changmin doesn’t know he’s awake, listening to every word.
“Jaejoong, I like you.” This he says more confidently. “I like you a lot.” Another, longer pause, and Jaejoong waits, heart racing.
“I- I think- I love you.”
His eyes fly open and he lets out a strangled gasp, pushes Yunho away, and ends up falling off the sofa. He lies there for a moment, stunned, before jumping up and sputtering apologies.
“I’m sorry,” he cries, frantically. “I don’t know why I did that, maybe I don’t feel good or something, dinner tasted a little funny and maybe I should go take a nap or something but it’s not like I didn’t want to-” he breaks off, slightly giddy, and tries to laugh it off.
“It’s okay,” Yunho says, but there’s a curious edge in his voice, and he’s looking at Jaejoong oddly.
A cold sense of panic spreads over Jaejoong; he has the strangest feeling that Yunho can read minds. He knows who Jaejoong was thinking about.
Jaejoong flushes- Changmin’s face leaps unbidden in his mind- “I didn’t mean to.”
Yunho doesn’t respond, but gets up and slings an arm around Jaejoong. He feels comfortable and safe; Jaejoong slumps against him tiredly.
“Come on, you can sleep on the couch,” Yunho says. “It’s late, and I’m not letting you drive back to your apartment.”
Jaejoong is too exhausted to try and argue, and meekly fetches blankets and pillows for his makeshift bed. He’s curled up in the sheets when Yunho comes to say good night. He looks worried and Jaejoong feels awful for making him feel worse.
“Yunho,” he says softly, guilt and something else- regret?- tugging his heart. “I’d never leave you.”
But Yunho’s eyes stay grave and eventually Jaejoong falls asleep with the image of his face still imprinted in his mind.
*
He’s thankful that Yunho doesn’t bring up the subject and doesn’t do anything beyond the occasional hug or peck on the cheek. Jaejoong needs time to be alone and to think.
“I love Yunho,” Jaejoong says emphatically, and it’s the truth, he does love him. “I still feel bad about leaving Changmin,” Jaejoong decides. “About going with Yunho. That’s why I remembered that!”
But why had the memory upset him so much? Why did the thought of never seeing Changmin hurt? Why did he keep thinking about him when he should have been worrying about Yunho? Why was he constantly obsessing over what he’d done and trying to rationalize it? It had to be more than just guilt.
Yunho had left him, and Jaejoong had found Changmin. Changmin had helped him cope, made him smile, made him forget. Changmin had loved him, and Jaejoong abandoned him.
Jaejoong had done to Changmin what Yunho had done to him.
This realization is bad enough (no explanation for leaving, years of anger and tears and bitterness) but the next shatters him.
Every question he had, all the agonizing he's done, the answer's so obvious but he's been in denial all this time because he didn't want to admit it. How could he?
Without knowing, without wanting to, he’d fallen in love with Changmin.