Loved and lost than Never loved at all
I am familiar with the old adage It is far better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.
I am not convinced that this is true.
I opened her old emails tonight - the most recent one dating to two years ago almost exactly. How was it that we lost touch so quickly? Our correspondance was sporadic at best, she being at university in Kiev, me being here in the States.
Love you! Write me back, honey, please. That was how one of them ended. Miss you!! How are things? was another. They usually began I'm sooo sorry I haven't written! Sorry, babe. I AM SO HAPPY! was that of the last.
It wasn't like I didn't reply. I wrote back, always. I never failed.
Katie told me that she was here this fall, and she'd been over to Katie's house, even. I called Josh (she was staying with him again. Always with him.) but I only got his voicemail. I left a bright, cheerful message asking her to call me back. She never did, and I didn't get to see her. I thought maybe she had forgotten me. Shelved me with the rest of the American Memories. Maybe she wanted to forget.
Sometimes I wish that I could forget too. Two years after her another student came along, a Russian. I had prayed for one ever since she had left, and here was one dropped in my lap. A darling friend, she invited me to go to everything and do all sorts of activities and social events with her.
I often declined. I was afraid of getting too close, getting hurt again. I eventually realized that with this new girl there was no threat of that. It was out of the question. But I still stayed at a distance, causing her to wonder if maybe something was wrong with her.
I spoke to her a few months ago, on her birthday.
I wrote her tonight. Both of them - I wrote them both. The first was a letter sent to Ukraine with a longing for an explanation. It was a question unasked but begging to be answered. The second was brief but sweet.
I miss you! How is your New Year? I hope this letter finds you well. Please write soon. Love, Steph.
I can't lose them both.
I am not convinced that this is true.
I opened her old emails tonight - the most recent one dating to two years ago almost exactly. How was it that we lost touch so quickly? Our correspondance was sporadic at best, she being at university in Kiev, me being here in the States.
Love you! Write me back, honey, please. That was how one of them ended. Miss you!! How are things? was another. They usually began I'm sooo sorry I haven't written! Sorry, babe. I AM SO HAPPY! was that of the last.
It wasn't like I didn't reply. I wrote back, always. I never failed.
Katie told me that she was here this fall, and she'd been over to Katie's house, even. I called Josh (she was staying with him again. Always with him.) but I only got his voicemail. I left a bright, cheerful message asking her to call me back. She never did, and I didn't get to see her. I thought maybe she had forgotten me. Shelved me with the rest of the American Memories. Maybe she wanted to forget.
Sometimes I wish that I could forget too. Two years after her another student came along, a Russian. I had prayed for one ever since she had left, and here was one dropped in my lap. A darling friend, she invited me to go to everything and do all sorts of activities and social events with her.
I often declined. I was afraid of getting too close, getting hurt again. I eventually realized that with this new girl there was no threat of that. It was out of the question. But I still stayed at a distance, causing her to wonder if maybe something was wrong with her.
I spoke to her a few months ago, on her birthday.
I wrote her tonight. Both of them - I wrote them both. The first was a letter sent to Ukraine with a longing for an explanation. It was a question unasked but begging to be answered. The second was brief but sweet.
I miss you! How is your New Year? I hope this letter finds you well. Please write soon. Love, Steph.
I can't lose them both.